Attraction

You Too, Dear Gentlemen, Have the “Cookie.”

The Case of the Proverbial “Cookie.”

Source: flickr.com via Jennifer on Pinterest


It seems I cannot get into a conversation with my older brother without our voices escalating.

Yes, we yell and don’t even realize it.

Take one very loud, opinionated person who often times doesn’t like to be told she’s wrong (me) + another loud opinionated person who likes to point out I’m wrong (he) and watch us in public?

It’s just plain embarrassing.

If you didn’t recognize we both have that flat Filipino nose and MUST be related, you’d probably think we were an old arguing Italian couple from the Bronx.

Minus the cool accent.

Minus the endearing wrinkles of old age that let grumpy old people get away with being so obnoxiously loud.

Nothing is FoolProof

We got to talking about why some guys get the girl and some guys don’t.

He mentioned how no matter what you tell a guy to say, you can still give advice that will not lead to a date because 70 percent of our communication is non-verbal.

And yes, NOTHING is foolproof.

I don’t care what all the dating coaches selling their ebooks and online dating courses are saying.

They will help increase your chances, but NOTHING is foolproof.

It’s just the nature of the beast.

You do it all right, but you still don’t get the girl

After following step 1 and 2 and practicing the script in your head a gazillion times, she STILL may tell you to go to hell just because you’re the 4th guy who has asked her out that day and she just happens to be irritated by the spanx she wishes to God she didn’t wear on a day in September that felt like 100.

Stupid global warming.

Stupid boss who didn’t think it was time for a raise.

Stupid latte that burned her on the subway.

It may have nothing to do with a guy’s approach, his appearance, his charm or lack thereof.

You don’t know what a woman is dealing with on any given day, and hell, you have NO IDEA what she has had to deal with in her past that helps govern her decisions consciously or subconsciously.

Sometimes you’re screwed and you can’t do anything about it.

I get it.

It’s hella frustrating.

Putting those variables aside, it’s time to talk about what you CAN control.

tuntuntun tuuuuuuun…

All hail the ALPHA MALE.

You, dear reader, yes YOU, are an alpha male.

Maybe not yet to the world, but that alpha male is in there waiting to be released.

Aren’t you tired of caring too much about what women think?

Aren’t you tired of fearing rejection?

Are you ready to dive right in and feel that sting of rejection only to realize, hmmmm THAT wasn’t so bad.

It’s like a flu shot.

2 seconds of pain right away before flu season hits instead of 3 weeks of agony later when you’re wishing you’d just ask the stranger out right away instead of pining and crushing on her and building her up to be something and taking an embarrassingly long time to get over her.

And feeling all alone in your embarrassing grief because you didn’t even know the girl.

And you didn’t even date the girl.

And now you are still alone and feel lonelier and more gunshy than ever.

Guys, when you crush, you get crushed.

Alpha males don’t crush.

They see the girl, they think she’s hot, they DONT think, I wonder if she finds me attractive?

They know there’s more to game than looks.

And they intrinsically believe they can get the girl because they HAVE SOMETHING THE GIRL WANTS.

What is the Cookie?

Enter the proverbial “cookie.”

When you look at the world of dating, of men and women, you will notice something pretty common.

Women have the upper hand.

The confident women know they have the cookie.

The insecure men believe this too, and want the cookie.

What is the cookie?

For women, it’s sex.

Yes, yes, yes.

You’re not just a sex starved individual.

You care about getting to know a woman etc etc etc.

Preaching to the choir.

But for the sake of this post, let’s just state the obvious.

You primarily want sex.

Are you ashamed of this?

Don’t be.

Women want you to want sex.

Don’t be ashamed of your sexuality. (gosh that’s another post)

Justin Timberlake brought sexy back.

Alpha Males are NOT afraid of sexuality.

Because women hold the keys to sex, and men know this, men turn into desperate, needy, men, the very opposite of an alpha male.

An alpha male is never desperate or needy.

What the alpha male knows internally that “nice guys who finish last” do not know is that they TOO have a cookie.

The cookie isn’t necessarily sex for men. (although sometimes it can be)

The cookie is anything that you possess that you believe the opposite sex wants.

Most guys don’t think they have anything that a woman wants, so even entering into the situation, there’s always an unequal distribution of power.

And that’s why the hot chicks get to walk around with the upper hand, digging deep into your wallets, eating you out of house and home.

They know they have the cookie, and they know their cookie is more desirable because you find them attractive.

For the alpha male, the cookie is more complex. The alpha male knows that he has something to offer that a woman wants.

What is the Man’s Cookie?

      A woman wants male attention.

      A woman wants the security of knowing that male attention won’t go away.

      A woman thrives when she has sacrificial, male leadership in her life– and that is the very essence of the alpha male.

He knows he has that ability to give a woman what she (more often than not- desperately) wants: attention, emotional security, and male leadership.

Maybe some feminist women are reading this wanting to shoot me and scream, “I don’t NEED male leadership!!!”

And to that I say, of course you don’t “NEED it.” Not like you need water and air and chocolate.

I never said you “needed it.”

All I said was that women thrive when they have it.

I’ve seen the devastating effects when they don’t have it, or they have a distorted version of it, a corrupt, selfish, possessive version of it.

And I see how powerful that influence or lack of influence can be.

A man can help a woman blossom or can make her feel and look lifeless, with only a shadow of a woman remaining.

It’s a scary and harrowing thought, but that’s the reality of it.

That is the POWER that a man has.

ooooohhhhhh… you feeling powerful?

You should.

This power can be used for good or evil.

When a woman has a strong respectable, attention giving alpha male in her life, whether it be her brothers, father or partner, she’s going to thrive, blossom and grow into the best version of her self, the most confident version of herself.

And that’s why I say that the man’s “cookie” is more complex.

She may have sex to offer, but that is a short lived power exchange.

She can give it away, and then he can leave and be done with her.

He on the other hand has the cookie that doesn’t crumble once it’s been given.

When a woman gets a taste of that sacrificial, strong male leadership, the last thing she wants to do is leave.

Gentlemen, you have a cookie, and it’s precious.

Don’t go into any dating situation until you’ve internalized this concept:

YOU HAVE SOMETHING VALUABLE TO OFFER THAT IS NOT EASILY OBTAINED, and it has NOTHING TO DO WITH CHARM, MONEY, and APPEARANCE.

Those things are like bits of 2nd day, dried up ground turkey, microwaved too long and sticking together in a dried up heap compared to what you have to offer, which is $75 bone-in filet mignon, my friends.

That’s right.

It exists.

Hubby had it for his birthday dinner.

Those charming folk?

They can kiss the ground that Alpha male walks on.

Those rich guys? Maz-a-ra-WHO?

Those handsome men who look like they just walked out of an Abercrombie photo shoot?

They can just watch you walk away with your beautiful woman.

If they aren’t alpha, and you ARE, they cannot compete.

Nobody can top Alpha.

I don’t want to give advice on just a micro level- what to do, what to say.

TRUE CHANGE comes when you change your beliefs about yourself and about women.

That’s where it begins.

So I’m back! And I’m excited to be on this journey with you.

Shameless plug: If you want private, personal advice on your specific situation, I offer email and phone consultations. Click here to learn more.

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I love writing about relationships! I also write for Associated Content. My content producer page is vegetarianqt's content page

Join the discussion

  1. GI joe

    I have had a really weird couple of months. I’ve been dating lots of girls and after getting to know them a little, every one of them eventually brought up the “where is this going?” talk (hate that one btw, just let it happen…). And not one of them wanted a relationship, but in they also wanted me to stop seeing other women. I’m just curious. Why the desire to lock up a man if you don’t intend to keep him? Makes no sense…

    • MidoriLei

      GI Joe,

      I think there are two possible things going on.

      1. These women just don’t like the idea that you’re seeing other women. It makes them feel insecure. Every girl wants to be the “one and only” even if they aren’t that into the guy. It’s an ego thing. If you have a sexual relationship or she’s considering it, she also doesn’t want to bed you if she knows you are sleeping with multiple women.

      2. They really DO want to be in a relationship but they don’t want to seem too eager unless you lay your heart on the line first. Women are taught that men should take those emotional risks so as to guard their hearts. I’m a fan of this. Sometimes though, this can turn into mind games. I’m not a fan of that.

      It’s also possible that both could be happening at the same time.

      Most importantly, you have to read between the lines. Most likely is option 2: A woman is never going to bring up the “where is this going?” Conversation if she doesn’t want it to go anywhere because its planting the seed in ur head. It’s kinda like a guy who isn’t at all interested in marrying a girl- of course he wouldn’t ever ask her,”where do u see this going?”Because bringing up a subject lets the listening party know its an option.

      What she wants to hear is, “I only want to be with you. I’ve been looking for the perfect opportunity to find a way to ask you to be exclusive, as I want nothing more than to take you off the market ASAP!”

  2. GI joe

    Follow up here, what to do when you take that step and commit, “yes, I want you.” and she responds nervously with a “maybe”. I’ve had this happen twice in a row and it hurts a hell of a lot more then a no, because she’s made no commitment to you, but you’ve verbalized a commitment to her. Does it make you a hypocrit to back out and say, “if you won’t commit then I sure as hell won’t”?

    • MidoriLei

      GI joe,

      It doesn’t make you a hypocrite, it just makes you a guy who isn’t willing to fight for this woman. If you respond that way, she’ll definitely be thinking, “Thank God I didn’t take him up on that offer! He’s too quick to give up on me. He’s too quick to throw in a curse word and retract his declaration of desire. He must not want me that much. His love would be conditional.” Every woman wants a love that is unconditional, beginning with the pursuit. I understand that every man has a breaking point, but don’t let that be at a “maybe.” A dozen “no’s?” I understand. A couple maybes? No way.

      Don’t let a “maybe” break you. Men have it too easy these days. Suitors in the past expected this “not so easy to win” kind of arrangement. Maybe is better than a no. Maybe is, “are you willing to go at my pace?” Maybe is, “We’ll see if you are the man I need, want and deserve.” Maybe is, “I’ll give you a chance if you’ll really pursue me with abandon.” Maybe is, “I want to say yes, but I’m scared I might look cheap and easy.” Maybe is, “I’m scared. Are you playing with my heart or are you for real?” Maybe is, “I need time to weigh this out. Commitment is something important to me, not to be taken lightly.”

      So DONT BLOW IT by retracting your offer just because you got a maybe! Don’t give up! A maybe is quite closer to a yes than a no.

  3. GI joe

    So even though she’s clear to be dating other guys because she hasn’t met you on your level, you should stay the course?

    And what exactly does that mean, “fight for her”? Im pretty sure you dont litterally mean start beating other guys up, but any time I have started to act like a girl is a significant part of my life, it’s pushed her away. I have never had a girl respond positively to that, they always ask for space and time. So if I’m not supposed to keep inviting her into my life (apparently thats being “needy”) and I’m not supposed to involve myself in her life (that’s being pushy), then what?

    • MidoriLei

      GI joe,

      Yes, stay the course. “Fight for her” means you are willing to go through obstacles to win her over. It means you won’t give up at the first sign of deveat. It means she’s worth it to be patient, to be persistent, to “compete” with other guys. You’ll be the last one standing. That’s what it means to “fight for her.”

      What exactly have you done in the past to show a woman she is a significant part of your life? I’d like to know to give you some pointers on why you may be striking out. There is a way to keep inviting her into your life without it being seen as needy. It shouldn’t be done in a way where she is left feeling like if she says “no” it will be the end of your world. She is someone you are interested in, but she is not the only thing or person in your life that you are interested in. There is a fine line between being pushy and being persistent. Pushy doesn’t know how to gauge the response- is full throttle without any consideration for how the other is responding. Persistent is going at it again and again, but not in a way that makes her feel like she’s being stalked.

      any more questions? Or does that help?

  4. GI joe

    Seriously, I need to know what that expression means. Girls say that all the time “fight for me/her” but I’ve never met anyone that can tell me what the rules to that game are. I’m a guy, in guy world fighting means you have an opponent. Who’s the opponent? What’s the opponent? What’s cheating? What’s fair? The rules of engagement if you will. Some examples would be awesome.

    • MidoriLei

      GI joe,

      great questions! The opponent are all the other suitors, the walls she puts up because she was hurt from the past, stuff like that. You “fighting” for her, is really being patient enough to help her break done those barriers to being with you, whether real (other suitors) or imagined (ex: feeling she can’t trust men because she’s been hurt by men etc…)

      What do you mean what’s cheating and what’s fair?

  5. GI Joe

    What I mean by cheating or fairness is just referring to the “rules”, if there are any. Obviously I shouldn’t do things like spread rumors or get into any situation which had the potential of being physical with this other guy. Emotions tend to run high in situations like this and someone could get seriously hurt. But there has to be something other than being patient I can do to improve my chances.

    I don’t know much about women. Not many men can claim they do, but I have experience enough to know that being passive is never enough. Sometimes women I talk to get confused and don’t know what I mean by this, so I’ll try and explain.

    Earlier, you advised that I should be “patient” and wait for her barriers to come down so that I could then try to get closer without making her feel awkward or uncomfortable. But being “patient” implies no action on my part, and sounds and awful lot like waiting, and no man ever got a date who waited for the woman to ask him. Similarly, no woman I have ever met made the first move to advance the relationship in any way, so being patient and waiting for her to voluntarily move closer doesn’t seem right. Also, you advise against this in other posts telling men to be bold, take chances, and make their moves quickly. So it’s confusing to me to be told now that I must suddenly take a passive role.

    As a side note, sometimes I start to think that its possible women advise these things because they are used to taking a more passive role in a relationship and it’s always worked for them.

    So if passivity isn’t the answer, and being aggressive with other men (beating them up, spreading rumors, or the like) is morally reprehensible, then something more subtle must be at work here. I’m hoping for specific examples like, one time a man did x, y, and z and it really put him a step ahead. Or, I was stuck between two guys and it was this one quality he had that finally showed itself and made him the clear choice. I’m looking for this because it’s not always a choice between one bad guy and one good guy, in fact it’s USUALLY a choice between two well-meaning guys who might have been friends if not for the woman between them.

    • MidoriLei

      GI Joe,

      Oh man! I hope I didn’t make you think being patient means to wait passively. That’s the woman’s role. There is an active way to be patient. I AGREE 100 percent that action is necessary. Passivity is one of the most unattractive things a man can possess.

      Patience is taking the maybes and the nos and looking at them as being negotiable.
      It means asking her out in new and inventive ways, ways that are friendly and persistent but not pressure filled or creepy. (that means no intense stares. It means light hearted banter and smiles every time you make the approach. It means keep the compliments coming.) It means digging for clues as to what’s really going on. “You really need to let me take you out. Who’s behind that smile? What are you afraid of? What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

      and again when you see her, “how ’bout that date, huh?”

      and another time, “(semi famous comedian) is in town. You gotta let me take you to see him. He’s amazing live.”

      and another time, “so Italian. You like Italian right? Let’s go eat. Let’s not call it a date, even though we both know I’m obviously interested. Anything to make you more comfortable with the situation.”

      Again, new, inventive, light hearted, ways to ask her out. agian and again and again. Until you wear her out. The patience is in waiting for the yes, but it’s active and not passive because you’re constantly in her face trying to get her to cave.

      And when the time comes when she does open up about her past hangups and heartbreaks and hurts, you don’t give up. You FIGHT for the chance to show her you’re not like those fools. You’re different. And then you are patient some more, waiting for a chance for her heart to open up and let you in.

      Does that make sense?

      Here’s a GREAT example of a story of a man who was persistent and patient, all the traits I’m talking about:

      http://theurbandater.com/dates-details/lord-byron.php/

      LOL and my husband Nate was the same way. I broke up with him in high school. That didn’t keep him from finding me and asking me out again some 12 years later. Every goodbye, every maybe, every no is negotiable. Remember that:)

  6. GI joe

    This really wasn’t that helpful. It was all about making a first impression, getting to the “first date” phase. That part is the easy part, I’m a good looking guy and I have an awesome smile. Women typically enjoy my company, for a little while. I don’t have problems introducing myself or getting a woman to notice me. I have a problem getting to the third date, and sustaining that attraction.

    Men fall quickly. Within the first few minutes of conversation we know whether or not we’re interested. On the first date, we’ve made a decision on whether we’re asking for a second on by the time the appetizer is gone or by the time we’ve even gotten where we’re going. If the second date goes more or less like the first, we’re hooked, third date is coming and we’re more or less done trying to determine OUR level of interest.

    At that point she’s either made the cut or she hasn’t. If she has, the game is figuring out what kind of relationship it’s going to be. I don’t have problems developing friendships, or hanging out, so those relationships are solid. My trouble is when I want commitment.

    I don’t know how it works for girls but if what is said in that article is true, then it should be as simple telling her that’s what I want, and she’ll agree because I was bold enough to ask in a creative way. You sometimes hint at the idea that sometimes a woman will throw down a gauntlet for a man to run to prove himself, but neither of these things has appeared for me.

    My experiance is that the two of us will have a good time, laugh and flirt and what have you until the very second I indicate I might be attracted to her. Then all kinds of excuses come out, I have a boyfriend in Egypt, I’m just focusing on my career/school/god, my dog’s in the hospital, my roommate is sick, my hair is a mess, ect. These thing only come out when I indicate interest beyond a casual relationship, ie something committed.

    How do I move beyond the guy girls only wanna jump once? I’m 26, the time when I can meet girls without a divorce or two and children is probably running out.

    • MidoriLei

      Hi GI joe,

      My apologies. It looks like you’re already in the swing of things with women when it starts to go down hill. That’s awesome you’re able to secure dates one and two! Give yourself a pat on the back for that. The third date… well, it’s a hard date to get to if you’re already talking commitment on the first and second. You are SURE to scare a woman off if you bring that up too early.

      I suggest that you be more cautious about how fast you determine your level of interest. Remember that people always put their best foot forward. After two dates, you don’t really know a person. Only the BEST part of who they are and what they put out there. Boldness will get you places for sure, but if you’re too eager with too little time and too little information, it will come across as desperate or just plain undiscerning and naive. If she can hook you bait and switch just with two dates, it shows you’re naive– you believe first impressions. First impressions are just that– first impressions. They are little to do with who a person is– their character, their flaws, their hangups ect…

      If she’s running at the sign of you showing that you’re attracted to her, then she must have read your moves as platonic to begin with. Maybe they think you’re just extra friendly. I’m confused. Why would she agree to go on date one or two if she then proceeds to make up excuses that she “has a boyfriend in Egypt,” is “focusing on career/school/God,” etc… Something is getting lost in translation here.

      But my hunch is that you are introducing this idea of “commitment” WAY TOO SOON. I gather most girls will not be comfortable with this subject being brought up in date one and two. I’d say around a month of dating consistently, a woman is considering the idea of “commitment” or “exclusivity.” Any time before, she doesn’t feel you know her well enough to make that decision and visa versa. If you mention commitment or exclusivity on date one or two, you are being read as “desperate,” “trying too hard,” or “wanting to move forward too quickly with too little time and information.”

      Hope that helps.

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