Why Do You Like Him?

“The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.”

– Unknown

Do you ever notice a guy just because he notices you first? When I was in college, I realized this truth: Sometimes, women start liking men, simply because they like the feeling of being desired by a man. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with liking a man who liked you first, but the problem occurs when a woman cannot look past that, and see whether or not that man is actually worthy of her affection. Sometimes women blame men for being jerks later on, saying they were “smooth talkers.” These women’s ears ring at the beginning of their relationship from all the flattery that a man bestows.

“Has anyone ever told you that your eyes have golden specks in the sun?” “Man, you’re so beautiful, I can’t take my eyes off of you.” “You’re so amazing, I don’t know how I got so lucky.” “Sometimes you just leave me breathless.”

These are all wonderful sentiments, but they are all so one-sided. While appreciating his gushing praise and adoration, don’t forget to listen for cues that tell you what this man is all about, who he is, and what he’s like. Instant chemistry and attraction plus flattery does not equate a genuine gentleman.

Let me repeat:

“Chemistry/Attraction + Flattery/Adoration = Gentleman” can be a false equation.

I’m just saying it’s good to know that the man’s desire for you plays such a big role in you desiring him, and that it is simply not wise to evaluate a man in the height of these emotions. These feelings need to be taken with a grain of salt. Who is Mr. Flattery behind the flattery?

Case Study

Ellen, nurse in Sacramento

My friend Ellen met a guy at a get together with church friends. We’ll call him Harry. The first week they got together, Ellen was bouncing off the walls, telling all her friends about Harry, and even boldly saying, ” I think he’s the one!” Within a week, they had both met each other’s parents.

Fast forward to week two. In this short amount of time the sentiments changed drastically from “I think he’s the one,” to ”I can’t stand hearing his name! I’m not even attracted to him, what was I thinking?”

It’s a good thing she realized quickly that behind Harry’s flattery, he was a clingy, suffocating, and insecure guy. In hindsight, from the beginning she wasn’t even attracted to him, but his appeal came from his desire to be with her. If he never noticed her, she would’ve never noticed him.

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Join the discussion

  1. max

    “Chemistry/Attraction + Flattery/Adoration = Gentleman”

    I will presume you intended for the inclusion of the “/”‘s to mean “or”. However within the context of a mathematical equation, the forward slash represents a division or fraction.

  2. courtney

    I agree completely. I’ve done it before. This time, though, I am very interested in a guy and he doesn’t like me back and never has. I’m trying to not let him know I like him because I don’t want what you’re talking about to happen – becoming interested in somebody because they are interested in you first. Should I let him know my feelings or wait and see if he comes around to liking me on his own?
    thank you.

  3. Anna

    This basically happened to me too. I dated a guy that could even have been called abusive and later, I couldn’t even tell what I had initially been attracted to. Now, whenever I like a guy, part of me wants them to like me back, but then I never know if I really like them, or if I like that they like me.

  4. Unknown

    Thanks, now i know the difference between a charmer and a real man. =]]

  5. unknown

    Yes, Im currently liking someone whos;
    totally unmissable
    a badman
    And, i think i like him beacuse hes hard to get !

  6. MidoriLei

    whoops, thanks for that mathematical correction, Max!

  7. MidoriLei

    I tend to fall for guys who don’t show their interest initially as well. I think I should write an article that is the opposite of this one: girls who fall for guys because they are hard to get:)

  8. alejandra

    if you think about it.. everything he just said is true…
    but how do i change this?? i dont think its in my hands , so how can i

  9. MidoriLei

    I would suggest you read this article and make a list of your own so you know why you do like a guy:

  10. Monica

    That almost happened to me once– I guess after being single for a while you jump on any opportunity, even if you’re not attracted to the guy, simply because you want someone… I agreed to one date, and afterwards I realized I didn’t really like him at all but just the idea of liking him.

  11. Kero

    This is such a frustrating problem of mine. It’s such a huge problem, that I’m unwilling to go into relationships from the fear that I’m accidently leading on the other person by accident. I don’t like the idea of dating someone because they showed initial interest.

    It becomes tricky because I don’t naturally go after people romantically, so until somebody opens the suggestion, I usually assume things are platonic between us. That combined with the fact that I’m usually quite perceptive of other peoples intention (or at least assuming that others are interested)

    Leads me down this horrible path. DO I REALLY LIKE THEM OR NOT?

    It’s so confusing, especially when I can easily see myself becoming good friends with individuals. I need some solutions. At the moment, all I’ve thought about doing is:

    “Since I’ll never know, it’s probably just a better idea to remove myself from the romantic scene completely and stay alone even if there is a strong desire to be close to someone”

  12. MidoriLei

    Kero, what would you be losing out if you pursued those men who see you romantically? You’re only leading them on if you say things you don’t mean or make promises you won’t keep, but hanging out with them is for the very purpose of seeing if you could see them romantically and to see what kind of men they are.

    Read these articles:

    two other articles that might help:

  13. Phoebe

    this is exactly what happened to this guy and me, just i bragged about wat he said and it pissed him off becuz he was mr. player before… his intentions were sex so i guess its karma anyways.

  14. kiki

    this happened to me once. there was this really cute, funny guy and he was what u could call a pervert. after he broke up i started noticing that he was a jerk. and i think i only liked him because he was hard to get. and then there was this other guy who i wouldve never liked, but since he started talking to me and flirting with me i ended up getting caught in his web. although he isnt that bad.


    Good advice here.. so the charm is the start. If you’re deciding to progress in the relationship, you need to assess if there’s substance..

  16. Anonymous

    My brother suggested I would possibly like this web site. He was totally right. This put up actually made my day. You cann’t imagine just how much time I had spent for this info! Thank you!

  17. Ella

    The quote at the beginning of the article makes my feelings very clear to me. The first guy I ever had a crush on approached me first. If he had not I would have never thought of him in that way. But after a couple of days I realized I was only interested in him because he was interested in me, so I sorted through my feelings and realized I didn’t actually hold any attraction for him. But on and off for about 2 years from then, I went through phases of liking him and having platonic feelings for him. At the end of the period I realized I had grown to know him and honestly held an attraction for him. My attraction was made clear to him, and with that a relationship formed and lasted for a little more than 6 months. College and distance being the cause for its end.

    And now being in college I’ve had 2 similar situations but since my first encounter with them I have yet to interact with them again. The first being in line at Subway, a short conversation and a some light banter and the second being on a single girls night out on Valentine’s Day and it was a dance and a Facebook friending. And with these encounters I’m wondering what I should or shouldn’t do to get a follow up? I’m not saying I believe any of them to be the one, but I would like a chance to see if they could be.

  18. my mind

    I’m having this problem i like my friend when i knew of him before i met him and from being around the same people i liked his personality i looked past his flaws and was very interested in getting to know him better so i made the first move by saying why dont we go to the movies sometimes. the movies where cool we weren’t alone he brought a friend with us but we talked a lot that nite. From then i couldnt get this guy out of my mind and i believe because he showed me attention.And since then we’ve been out on church gatherings like dinner and a occasional phone call but last year through me off he asked me to go out with him on his birthday he said he just wanted to get and do something i was like sure but of course i’m trying really not to read nothing into it being he said he had tried to kick it others but they weren’t available but the time we spent was cool 2days later was my birthday and i called him and he took me out again.Ok now that was last year i cant get this dude out of my mind i text him for no reason. I want to tell him how i feel but i dont want to mess things up. i mean i got it bad!!!!!! help

    • MidoriLei

      my mind,

      I write a traditional advice column my dear… and with that being said, I would never tell a girl to make the first move. Hints are fine, but the guy should take the risk… If he likes you enough, he will let you know.

  19. Ms. T.

    This article was very informative. A guy walked up to me, introduced himself, said he has watched me for a month. He really liked my style and the way I enteracted with people. I would have never looked at this man twice. As a matter of fact I didn’t even notice that he was present until he started talking to me. Because he was so nice, I felt a weird obligation to give him my phone number. The first call, I ignored. The second I answered, because I didn’t think he would give up. Guess what? We talked for 3 hours. We had a lot in common. Now it’s three months later and I’m pursuing him more than he pursues me. I am so confused. He has a habit of contacting me late at night now, which is a no-no. We haven’t gone out on anymore dates, which frustrates me. When we first met he offered to buy me so many expensive things, but I declined. Now he doesn’t offer to do anything, except sit around doing nothing. He’s also a workaholic and I’m a free spirit. Anytime I suggest doing something, he’s not really interested. I look at him now and wonder how I even got into this….and where is it going? After reading this article, I see how it happened. Lesson learned!!! It’s time to move on.

  20. Ms. T.


  21. my mind


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