What makes us stay when we are not happy? Why do we keep dating someone even if we have that feeling they are not the one. Why do we settle?
I was getting a massage in Chinatown last week; it’s not an often occurrence but a rare treat that I save for stressful weeks or aching feet. I love it there. $20 for an hour foot massage, plus tip…yes please! I love the feeling of getting every penny worth of spending.
There was about 15 minutes left in the massage and an alarm started going off. Not a phone alarm, or a polite reminder that the massage was about to end, but instead a loud and annoying BEEEEEEP.
I waited for one of the masseuses to turn it off, but they just kept massaging. After a couple of minutes, I kind of sat or rolled up and asked, “what’s that noise?” with a polite smile and soft voice. She replied in the same tone, “smoke alarm” then motioned with her fingers like someone had been smoking. So, I laid back down and tried to enjoy the remaining precious minutes of my massage.
Even though I tried, I REALLY tried, I could not. I went to my happy place. I tried to use it as an opportunity to practice meditation. When that didn’t work I decided it was my chance to not let external factors influence my moment of enjoyment.
But it was all for nothing. I could not get my mind past the incessant beeping. As I lay there, I thought about getting up and leaving. Or asking them if they could try and turn off the alarm, but I didn’t. I politely waited for my masseuse to finish, even though every part of me wanted to dash off the massage table and blow a raspberry at the alarm on the way out.
And as I was laying there trying to enjoy my final moments of pleasure my mind wondered back to this blog. I started thinking about dating and how most of us have continued dating (or a relationship) even though we don’t want to be in it.
Why did I settle for sub-par massage time? Why do we settle in dating and relationships?
Why do we settle?
Here are my 7 reasons why we stay, even when the alarm is going off in the background:
1. It’s comfortable
2. Fear of the unknown
3. Fear of being alone
4. Afraid there isn’t anyone else
5. Too tired to make the effort
6. Scared of hurting our partner
7. Hope that things will change
Here are my 5 reasons why you should get out now:
1. Life is short
2. You’re hurting them more in the long run
3. You’re hurting yourself more in the long run.
4. There is always someone else
5. Facing your fears is how you overcome them
Why do we settle? My take away…
Dating is fun. I love the part when you just settle in, but aren’t so comfortable that you can fart in front of each other yet. It’s when we get past that part, and the toots rip, that we sometimes get stuck in something that might not be the right fit.
Looking at my 5 reasons to run, I really think it’s best to listen to that small niggling voice and accept what you know to be true. It’s better to accept what you feel deep down, rather than waste precious time and energy. You don’t want to walk down the aisle with someone who you are not 110% sure about. That commitment is for life!
Once you are sure, rip it off like a bandage. See how you benefited from the time in the relationship, remember the positive, and walk away. Don’t stay just because it’s hard to leave, stay because you want to.