So, you’ve managed to get this girl to be in a relationship with you.
At first, of course you’re psyched.
She’s come with some baggage from her past, issues if you will, but HELL she’s hot!
Fast forward a couple months.
You want to be with her…
Unfortunately she has broken up with you at least 4 times.
You’re starting to wonder if she’s bipolar, or if she has too many issues you’ll never be able to keep her for longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage.
Why is she so hot for you one minute, and so cold for you the next?
Why does she want to break up at the first sign of a problem, and then come crawling back claiming she “misses” you?
She is emotionally immature
For whatever reason, she still hasn’t learned the lessons of conflict resolution.
Maybe she’s never seen it with her parents?
Maybe her daddy left her at a young age, and boys leave her, and all she knows to fix a problem is to LEAVE.
Maybe she’s the kind of girl who gets hurt by a friend and instead of talking it out, sharing what’s going on, she deletes said friend from facebook, deletes her number and tries to forget that friendship ever happened.
One thing is for sure. She is emotionally immature.
She wants you when things are grand.
She wants your company so she doesn’t have to feel the lonely void in her heart.
But she doesn’t want any of the hard stuff that comes with being in a relationship.
She doesn’t know how to deal when CONFLICT arises.
Instead of thinking, Something isn’t right here. How can we fix it?
She’s thinking, Something isn’t right here. It must mean we don’t belong together.
Her wrong thinking
Somewhere, somehow, she has turned any problem into a problem with the entire relationship.
And because of that, instead of thinking the way to fix it is to deal with the problem, she thinks the relationship is the problem.
If she ends the relationship, then the problem will end, right?
That’s why I’m saying she is emotionally immature.
Emotionally mature people know how to handle conflict without giving up at the first sign of conflict.
Emotionally mature people deal with the conflict instead of trying to escape the relationship, hoping that will end the conflict.
Emotionally mature people EXPECT conflict.
They don’t think, If I’m just with a different person, then there won’t be this conflict.
They realize, half of the problem is that they bring their IMPERFECT selves into every relationship, so no matter how “wrong” the other person can be or the how “wrong” the situation is, they are not an innocent bystander.
When there is a problem in a relationship, an emotionally mature woman understands she is PART of the problem. Either she helped cause it, or she is creating a bigger problem by the way she REACTS to it.
Without her learning conflict resolution SKILLS she will forever continue on this path of blaming the other person or blaming the relationship instead of HUMBLY owning her own part and realizing walking away isn’t the answer.
What you need to do about it
So gentlemen, WHAT do you do in this predicament?
First, if she DOESNT come crawling back, DO NOT try to get back with her.
The last thing you want to do is send the message that her bad behavior is going to cause you to give her even more undeserved attention than you already did when you were together.
What do you do when she comes crawling back for the umpteenth time?
She says she misses you, that you can work it out.
YOU miss her like crazy and are just RELIEVED she didn’t call it quits for good, so you don’t even HESITATE to welcome her back.
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
So guys, I know what I’m about to suggest is going to be completely AGAINST what your natural will wants you to do, but TRUST ME, this is a better approach.
When you accept her with open arms, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, you are consequently sending the message,
You can do all that messed up bipolar shit and get away with it. As long as you come crawling back every time, I’m here for you. My heart is yours to be trampled on, mutilated and digested like a piece of kid flesh in Hunger Games, at your discretion. As long as you come back, I’ll pretend like nothing ever happened (again and again and again)
Okay, kinda, sorta graphic, but I’m TRYING to make a point.
You don’t want to send that message!
You want to send THIS message:
I’m a good catch. You did wrong by letting me go. You don’t realize my value. You don’t realize how much I care for you and want you to be happy, but because I’m so forgiving, you take me for granted. When will you realize that I’m the guy for you? That I’d lay down my life for you?
But instead you treat me like I’m disposable. As much as I love you, I can’t keep being disrespected like that. You are hot one minute, cold the next and then come crawling back because you don’t want to feel lonely and you “miss” me.
You have to learn something about me. That if you’re my woman, you will be honored, cherished, loved, and you will never have to worry that I would ever take that away from you. But you don’t deserve that from me because of how you take so lightly what we have. I know you take it so lightly because you have tried to throw it away ___________ times. Would a parent disown a child? Maybe give it up for adoption, but not repeatedly. That would just be cruelty.
You’re beautiful in more ways than I can count, but you are clearly CLEARLY emotionally unskilled at conflict resolution. Instead of dealing with ANYTHING NEGATIVE that happens in our relationship, instead of dealing with THE ISSUE, you think that everything will be magically solved if you just end our relationship. You turn the “issue” into a problem with ME or with US, like if we weren’t together your life would be perfect. I’m tired of that. You need to learn how to deal with problems without running away.
You might be mad at me, but I want you to think about this seriously. I know YOU can’t be happy unless this changes because even if we never get back together, you will take this trait into the next relationship. And that relationship too will be doomed. And you know I’ve told you this a million times, that all I WANT is to see you happy. If you want to be with me, BE with ME. Work it out with ME. You’re so beautiful. But this trait is SOOO unattractive.”
You could memorize this verbatim or just read it a dozen times and GET THE MESSAGE OF IT.
There is wisdom here.
Glean the principles.
Put your own twist to it.
The point is to get the message across: I love you, but you’ve disrespected me by making what we have so disposable and thinking you can repeat this over and over. I think you’re beautiful, but this hot and cold treatment is really unattractive.
“I have to go. Seriously think about this.”
Sometimes, YOU HAVE TO GIVE TOUGH LOVE.
Like Noah. Swoon. Ask ANY woman. A man who is NOT a panty waste (def: A sissified boy who is afraid of getting hurt and will run away from confrontation. ) is definitely a keeper.
Young Noah: You’re bored Allie. You’re bored and you know it. You wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t something missing.
Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we’re already fightin’
Young Noah: Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie: It’s not that simple.
Young Noah: What… do… you… want? Whaddaya want?
Young Allie: I have to go now.
Tomorrow I’ll teach you how to NOT fall into the friend zone while you are broken up.
This post and tomorrow’s post is from a specific reader’s request.
Thank you for filling my inbox everyone!