What to Do When She Says, “I JUST Want to Be Friends.”

February 17th, 2011 by MidoriLei

DO NOT AGREE TO THESE TERMS.

I’m not suggesting you demand that she sees you romantically.

I’m also not suggesting you start stalking her.

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY FOR A MAN TO WIN IN THIS SITUATION.

Ok, she wants you to only be friends. I think you should respect her and stop pursuing her romantically. Not to say that there isn’t a possibility of something in the future, but for now, respect her wishes.

BUT, listen closely. With that wish, she also has to deal with something else.

I suggest that you also do NOT remain friends with her.

If there is any chance that she will see you romantically, sooner rather than later or NEVER, the probability of it happening increases DRAMATICALLY if you do not offer emotional support as a friend .

This seems mean, but let me tell you, a man NEVER has to offer friendship to a woman. That’s what girl friends are for.

ESPECIALLY if the man is interested in the woman romantically. This is only meeting her emotional needs without getting anything in return. In other words, if you are interested in a woman romantically and settle for a friendship, you are allowing her to step all over you and use you.

What do I mean by this? I mean that you are offering her what she needs most (emotional support) without her having to satisfy your need (that romantic connection)

A man should not stick around and settle for friendship if he wants more.

It is an act of martyrdom and one that women internally don’t respect.

They may not realize this, but they start feeling like they can walk all over you, demand anything, take you forgranted, basically NOT the position you want to be in. All because you agreed to these terms you didn’t want to agree to. All because they know you think they’re cute and they can get away with things. I don’t want men to be manipulated!

You lose respect for a man who will sit around and just be your friend when he really wants more.

Watch what happens: You agree to this “just friend” role. She starts liking a new guy. You end up being the guy who hears about the new guy. YUCK. Then you become the pushover who gets to hear about the new guy all the while wishing you were him.

And boy, she will surely lose respect for you at this point, and you’re taking a big step in the opposite direction of attracting her.

If you have any chance of her seeing you romantically, she has to have a chance to miss what you provided her emotionally, and you can only do this if you do not offer her friendship.

In my past there was this man who pursued me diligently and I declined, even though I was MADLY attracted to him. I declined because at the time I wanted to be single and I thought he was too young.

Finally I told him, “I’m not interested, but we can be friends.” His response, I will FOREVER respect and admire:

Take note gentlemen, this is how to respond:

“Sorry sweetie, I have enough friends. And God knows, I could never look at you and see you as just a friend.”

It was a compliment and a great way to decline my offer for friendship.

To this day, I still think about him with such high regard. Never played games, pursued me with all diligence and made my heart melt. It is the BEST way to exit a romantic situation when the girl gives you the “let’s just be friends” line.

That was the last time we ever spoke, but he left an impression on me. THAT is how a man needs to react.

If things started off smoothly and there were romantic sparks but then something went awry, what I suggest you do is first ask her what happened…

Was there ever a romantic spark on her part? If so, what changed it? That way, you can leave the situation having learned something to apply to the next woman you pursue. Then I would LEAVE HER ALONE.

Do not send “friendly flowers.”

Show her that if she is not with you romantically, she doesn’t receive the benefits of romance.

She will respond in one of two ways: She will miss you and realize that she does want you and come crawling back… or she will forget about you… and you will forget about her. Either way, you will walk away a winner.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Want free updates delivered to your email? Then, enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

45 Responses to “What to Do When She Says, “I JUST Want to Be Friends.””

  1. hunter Says:

    Midori,

    Ever hear of the terms, “friends with benefits?” An experienced man, might say, “we can be FWB”. (or F*** buddies) Then if she says no, its time to hit the road.

  2. MidoriLei Says:

    FWB… been there done that. omg. so much drama in the end. I don’t think you can separate the physical with the emotional for too long without someone getting too attached.

  3. hunter Says:

    Midori,

    Women can be FWB’s after 50, with no problem, so I am told.

  4. MidoriLei Says:

    haha is i cuz of menapause? Maybe less shifting hormones. R u assuming it’s not the men who start getting attached?

  5. hunter Says:

    Midori,

    I was told, men get sensitive after 50. (we cry during the national anthem…..)

  6. Joel Says:

    It’s not always that easy. Sometimes she’s part of a circle of friends you hang with regularly. You can’t just cut off a bunch of your friends because a girl turned you down.

  7. Allan Says:

    Such a ballsy post! I like it.

  8. MidoriLei Says:

    hunter, whoop whoop! I didn’t know that! Can’t wait to see that happen to my husband! lol I’ve never seen him shed a tear.

  9. MidoriLei Says:

    Allan, thank you so much! that means A LOT coming from you:)

  10. MidoriLei Says:

    Joel, GREAT point. In that case, what I mean is that you should not treat her any differently than all the other friends. THAT means that she should not get special treatment. If you wouldn’t do it with your male friends, DONT do it with her. No long emotionally charged phone conversations, no “innocent” friendly flirting. No prolonged one-on-one psuedo dates. Just hang out with her in the group like everyone else. She has to feel that she is NOT any different from the guys who are just your buddies.

  11. hunter Says:

    Joel,

    Circles of female friends, don’t usually date one on one, they, are highly protective of each other.(Mostly, ’cause, these women still hurt) Unless a man is skilled(in the social/dating setting) or good looking, do your prospecting other places.

  12. Fangs Says:

    Thanks. I’ll try that excomm. thing. just might work.

  13. Tim Cole Says:

    Extremely educative appreciate it, I do believe your subscribers could possibly want more articles along these lines continue the good work.

  14. JC Says:

    I just got that line “the bottom line is, we really do have a great friendship and that’s whats the best for us, I feel” my response was “ok, you wont get any argument out of me because theres nothing I can say or do to change your mind, this is what you want so all I can do is respect your decision.” she then replied’ “well thats nice to hear” and that was it, I am applying the NC rule here and see where it goes. The issue though is that we have a kid together, so there needs to be contact obviously but the only contact should be about our daughter, short and to the point. The FB statuses are positive, funny I am acting upbeat. Its funny though what you said in your post about “…I mean that you are offering her what she needs most (emotional support) without her having to satisfy your need (that romantic connection)” is SO true, she was having a rough time financially and emotionally, I was always the one who offered to help and she took it but I got NOTHING in return. NOTHING. In fact she didnt talk to me after she got what she wanted! It’s time to turn that around, I am sure it’ll take time. Is this the right approach? Is this all I can do other than start dating someone else?

  15. MidoriLei Says:

    JC,

    It’s ok to start dating someone else. It’s important to be cordial and nice when you do have to communicate with her about your daughter, but other than that, I wouldn’t make any moves to initiate communication. She deserves niceness but not friendship. Good luck.

  16. Women and Friendship: Can Men and Women Just be Friends? Says:

    [...] I wrote about it here: What to say when she “just wants to be friends.” [...]

  17. Janet Says:

    I have an issue with this article because this happens with woman all the time and not just guys. Do we totally back out of friendships with guys we’re not interested in? I have learned so many things through having friendships with guys. Many of these guys I’ve never been interested and never will be but do you think that means that I should never talk to those guys? Or is this just for guys who are interested in you? I’d like to know what you think about when the woman has this issue where she isn’t interested in him but the guy is totally interested. Do we stop being friends with that guy?

  18. MidoriLei Says:

    Janet, great question. I don’t think that you should stop being friends with the guy. That’s really his call to make… But as a good friend, I would encourage you to make it VERY clear to your guy friend that you are not interested and that will never change… And introduce him to friends of yours! Encourage him to pursue other women. Build up his confidence by telling him what he brings to the table and if there is a way to lovingly tell him things he could change to increase his chance of securing dates with women, tell him. Encourage him with this sentiment: you love your friendship with him but as there are only so many hours in the day, you really don’t want to be the reason why he doesn’t make time or doesn’t give more energy to pursuing women with whom he has a future with. Tell him one day You will be in a relationship with another guy and You don’t want him to spend all of his time and energy on you because it’s not going anywhere. Tell him you are saying this as a friend who truly wants him to be happy and you’re saying this all because you don’t want to be selfish with his time…

    With all that said, he can make the call as far as how much time he wants to invest in the friendship knowing full well it will not lead anywhere romantic

  19. Women as Friends, Men as Friends Says:

    [...] you guys remember these two posts, one about not maintaining a friendship with a woman who you’re romantically interested in, and the [...]

  20. How to Ditch a Guy (Like an Adult) in 10 Days | ThinkNice.com Says:

    [...] are many methods that women choose in order to break up with an unknowing soul: The “Let’s be friends” conversation or make him jealous tactic. You might become aloof, maybe even a raging lunatic to try [...]

  21. "I think that we would be better as friends" - - Best response? Says:

    […] […]

  22. clay Says:

    “I love you too much to ever start liking you, so lets just let the story kind of end. I love you too much to ever start liking you so don’t expect of me to be your friend” -LOBO

  23. amirali Says:

    hi
    first of all thank you very much ….
    my girlfriend did this to me last night …
    i didnt’ slept since then . i am very sad and cried all day .
    but after i read your article i really feel a little easy and safer because i did exactly as you said .
    i told her idont need friends and cant be friends with you .
    i was with this angel for more dan 2 years . she dont have father and i always was there for her in any situations but i dont now why she did this to me …
    i really love her …
    this article really gave hope to me that may be one day she will feell that i was the man who really give her all my love . i dont now what to say and what to do …
    i just feell pain in my heart . hope i can bear it …
    i will be appreciated if you have any ideas pls for god sake send me in email . may be it can help me for better .

    i hope all the true lovers in this world recieve what they really deserve …

  24. gagan Says:

    So after reading this article i am really confused.we were in a long distance relationship for 2 years.we have never met,dated or any of that stuff but we were in love..we were introduced by her mom who happens to be close to my relatives.we talked everyday for almost 2 hours,skyped, made plans about our future ,then one day she suddenly changed and wants to be friends and said she wants to go out n meet people n date..but at the same time she calls me every week or so to talk and says its nice to talk to talk to someone who cares etc..she is very young(21) and am 28..am deeply in love with her(i know its weird coz i have never met her but i am),i know she cares and loves me but wudnt budge..what should i do?play along as a friend and talk to her when she calls without me making a call or message..i have noticed whenever i dont attend her call she calls the next day to ask me where was i but indirectly..i have talked to her mom about this but she says oh she is immature jus keep talking and dont worry about all these things..what should i do?

  25. will nist Says:

    Some of us men can’t feign affection and can’t play games and have no defense against women we love. It’s not about getting laid but if we don’t we know we aren’t loved. Unless medical problems and so on. Sorry I am a tough guy with guys but not with women. When love I love. I can’t play games of any kind. I don’t understand women. I don’t. If you really love a woman you can’t be rational if it isn’t returned. Otherwise you aren’t in love. Or you are a very small exception or a liar. Or full of shit. Conquering a woman having her love you are two different things.

  26. Larry Says:

    This is stupid. If a girl rejects you, who cares if she “holds you in high regard”? you said yourself you never spoke to him again. A guy has 2 choices. Just say no, or say yes and then sleep with one of her friends. That way she’ll think about what she’s lost.

  27. JoeK Says:

    So I just had precisely this experience with a girl I wanted to date. We get on fantastically well, but she says she is not interested and just wanted to be friends. So I told her that I’d prefer not to be friends, and explained that if I respect her wishes she should also be considerate of mine too. She seemed a little shocked and ended the phone call.

    A few week weeks later, she called me and insists she wants to be friends with me, but nothing more, and she seems to be having a hard time accepting what I’m saying. We don’t work together, but we do have some common work interests and she says that it would be mutually beneficial to be friends, though that sounded like an excuse when she said it. She also says she has many guy friends (she works in a male dominated industry) and that I’m the first one who has ever refused to be friends with her. She says she doesn’t understand why I see it in such a binary way.

    What am I to make of this? I don’t understand what she wants from me.

  28. Rashwanov Says:

    I was searching across the web for an answer till i hit this thread.
    We were very close and nice together, she was my best and closest friend and so do I, couldn’t understand why the heck she would refuse me romantically.
    However i totally broke up as a friend for 2 days now and waiting to see what will happen next

  29. MidoriLei Says:

    Good luck Rashwanov!

  30. MidoriLei Says:

    Hi JoeK,

    I can understand your confusion and frustration! So girls are not used to hearing the guy who is pursuing them does not accept a friendship. Tell her this, “See I know because you are not interested in me romantically, you can get along just fine emotionally just being my friend. Unfortunately only two things will happen if I only pursue a friendship with you. I’m going to wear you out and eventually you WILL date me (smile and wink) because I can never see you as ‘just a friend’ or you will get so irritated by my advances that you will eventually not want to even be my friend. If I agree to your friendship, just know I will NEVER stop trying to pursue you romantically. It is not in my nature to see you as merely platonic. You have so many qualities I want in a partner. It would break my heart to just be your friend if I knew you would never want anything more. I hope you can understand and respect my position. So either accept a friendship with me knowing I will never stop pursuing you romantically, or accept that I must deny you of my friendship.”

  31. MidoriLei Says:

    Larry, you’re a real keeper. lol Sleep with one of her friends? You really know how to win the affections of a girl. You don’t need my advice! HA!

    What’s gonna happen is she’s going to think you’re a jerk for sleeping with one of her friends if you really liked her. She’s not thinking about what she’s lost. She’s thinking ‘Thank GOD I did not get with him!’

  32. MidoriLei Says:

    gagan,

    I don’t think it’s possible,at least IMO to be in love with someone you haven’t even met. Take a step back. Is there any way you can actually meet her? Some things, like chemistry need actually face to face, especially for a woman. The most important thing you need to do is find a way to actually meet. Then update me, and we’ll talk. And when you meet, find an opportunity to steal a kiss! Good luck!

  33. MidoriLei Says:

    Hi amirali,

    Sorry for what you have gone through! Please check out my articles on heartbreak.

  34. Tim Says:

    Haha, wow, I’ve had women do this several times and I’ve always declined. The thing I’ve noticed though is that they always take it pretty poorly, and after having two women in a row begin crying when I said “no” and then later (in long emails) confess that they actually did like me but weren’t ready for so much investment so fast, I’m beginning to think that the thing you should really do is just say that you’ll talk to them later and give them some space for a bit. If they don’t come around, then you can walk for good but I think some of these girls are just nervous and want a little time to get to know you better. This of course doesn’t apply if you’ve been dating for a long time or know each other very well already… Just thinking out loud

  35. MidoriLei Says:

    That’s another option too Tim! Love it!

    Then again, you wouldn’t have found out those girls actually liked you if you hadn’t gone the approach of saying “no I don’t want to be friends” right?

  36. Tim Says:

    MidoriLei,

    Yeah, I suppose you’re right, though in one case the girl had actually said she wanted to be friends “first” and I thought she was just feeding me a line. Haha, I think the trick is just trying to feel out the sentiment and having a good awareness of the situation. If it feels like the vibe is anxious at all, you might just try slowing things down for a bit. If she just flat out rejects you or has been growing distant though, you’re probably safe walking away.

    In any case, I hope I don’t hear it again as none of those situations are ideal lol

  37. MidoriLei Says:

    Tim,

    Those cases are definitely not the ideal. I think when she said she wanted to be friends “first” it shows obvious interest as opposed to when a girl says I “just” want to be friends, which is what my article is talking about. Your situation shows there’s hope. The “just” wanna be friends line is very different. It’s replacing romance with friendship instead of friendship just being the prerequisite for romance. Hope that makes sense.

  38. Wilson Says:

    Hi MidoriLei,

    This is a great post, thanks for sharing. I wouldn’t mind getting your thoughts (or anyone else’s here) on this situation. And it’s a tricky one :) So, recently I started a new job and there met a girl who had a long term boyfriend, but the energy and connection between us was mutually off the charts (at least I would say). After a couple of months of me subtly pursuing her, things happened (we slept together), and very quickly after she broke up with her boyfriend. Now, a wise move I wanted to do was to move away and give space, but she showed a lot of interest and really wanted to spend time with me, so I simply couldn’t resist. After a couple of months of hanging out, she changed her behaviour in a couple of days and said she wants to be friends. I do must say that in those 2 months, she has been saying things like: that’s she can’t stop thinking about me. But she doesn’t want to be in a relationship, and this is starting to feel like dating. And that she is confused. On those comments I would generally react “let’s keep it casual and see what happens”. And things happened probably a bit too quickly.

    So here is this person I have great personal, romantic and sexual connection and who I have to work with in a very social work place, saying she wants to be friends… Ideally I would just get a new job, but that takes a bit of time :)
    So the idea I have at the moment is to say “it’s cool, but we’re not friends and you know it, try to spend some time resolving your past relationship, be single and then after a while let’s catch up and see how we feel.” And I don’t think I want to chase her.
    I do wonder what caused a sudden switch from “I think of you and want to kiss you” to “let’s be friends, you’re great and we have great time together”

    Any thoughts would be appreciated, I feel way too subjective to judge :)

  39. Michael Says:

    The problem is I love this girl to death who I have loved for six years and she’s never been single. Now she is but she still sees me as a brother and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I can’t just be her friend or her brother but at the same time I also wanna be with her so badly.

  40. Michael Says:

    I did what it said but now she’s crying and now I hate myself and I feel really shitty. I’m wondering if I did the right thing or not. I sure hope so. Because otherwise if I did it wrong…then it all would’ve been for nothing.

  41. MidoriLei Says:

    Michael,

    Let her cry. I know it is hard to do. Don’t hate yourself. I know it feels terrible, but women will spend their whole lives “being just friends” with a guy and thinking it’s all innocent– thinking they’re not hurting the guy, when in reality, it is painful for a guy just to be friend zoned when secretly he is pining away loving her. I know you think the loving thing to do is be her friend, but first you have to love yourself. You have to let go of this friendship if you are in love with her. How else will you make room in your life to find someone who will love you back? Or, how else will she ever get the chance to miss you if you don’t first show her life without your friendship? You are not doing ANYTHING wrong by withholding your friendship from someone. In fact, you are doing something RIGHT for you. Why suffer like that? Don’t be a martyr. Make room in your life for women who can see a potential in you romantically. Opposite sex friendships only work if both parties see it platonically. (which is really rare) Without that, someone is always getting hurt.

  42. FM Says:

    Great article. I think it’s unfair for a girl to expect the guy to be friends once she has rejected him romantically. I made my feelings clear to a girl after 2 1/2 months. I met her at a conference, we had dinner and drinks and did a couple of non-romantic, non-sexual activities together and were in touch online for 2 months or so (we live in different countries). We were in touch daily (2 or 3 times a day, sometimes). I was not planning on telling her my feelings until I met her in person, which was to be in the fall. I sent a gift, which she accepted with virtual hugs and kisses. She began to tell me about her frustrations and loneliness etc., which I lent a sympathetic ear to, but the moment she told me she thought she was attracted to another guy, I made my feelings clear to her. She first said she did not realize, then she said she had an idea and thought of throwing the “other guy” out there to see how I would react. She said we have a great connection and is very fond of me, but thinks of me as only a “dear friend” and would like to continue the friendship and would like to get to know me better. When I asked her if there was any hope at all if something romantic happening, she said could not imagine that. (Translation- I think you’re a unrealistic loser, a wimp, a poor excuse for a real man, would never consider you worthy of anything other than a shoulder to cry on, at my convenience of course. What amazes me is that you had the guts to even imagine that I would consider you romantically- you poor slob of a eunuch. There no sugar coating it guys- face it, this is exactly what any girl who pulls the friends card is thinking.)
    I ended my communication, told her it’s too painful to be friends with her knowing nothing could happen, wishing her all the best- she said she was heartbroken to lose me and hopes I would be friends with her again some day.
    I regret ever meeting her, talking to her, “going out” with her- was just humiliating and wasted 3 months of my life- with nothing achieved.
    To reiterate, I’m totally on board with MidoriLei, and think it’s best to get the h*** out of the “relationship” once you realize the relationship is that one-sided.

  43. FM Says:

    Addendum: For the guys out there- my advice is don’t make a move on a girl you have feelings for, unless you are over 95% certain that she has romantic feelings for you. If you even suspect that she doesn’t, then she probably doesn’t (stop kidding yourself), and run away as fast as you can from the “relationship”. In my opinion, it’s better to lose a potential relationship than exposing yourself and risk being humiliated by someone who will probably laugh at you behind your back.

  44. Killer Says:

    Hi Guys,

    Same sort of situation happened me. I had a crush on girl who is my family friend. Who had a breakup and single. Suddenly we started speaking on long calls and late night chats. She proposed me and asked me to marry her. I was very happy and just enjoying my happiness. When I met her first time she felt good. Post tow days she told me that she is still loving her past boy friend . I told her go back to him check if he is single but he was not and he told her she is just a friend of his.. She was broken and chasing him. One fine day she said she does not love me and want to be single .. And said you are my best friend. This all happened in one month . but I m totally broken and unable to come out of this.. Pls suggest me the next step of action.

  45. Ab--- Says:

    Is it just me that just dont care lol, if you truely love the other person you should be able to let them go, we don’t own anybody. Conditional love is a learned behavior , cry until you bleed, she doesn’t owe you anything.

Leave a Reply

Latest Post on Loading...: Please Wait...
admin admin
Who links to me?