What to Do When She Says, “I JUST Want to Be Friends.”


I’m not suggesting you demand that she sees you romantically.

I’m also not suggesting you start stalking her.


Ok, she wants you to only be friends. I think you should respect her and stop pursuing her romantically. Not to say that there isn’t a possibility of something in the future, but for now, respect her wishes.

BUT, listen closely. With that wish, she also has to deal with something else.

I suggest that you also do NOT remain friends with her.

If there is any chance that she will see you romantically, sooner rather than later or NEVER, the probability of it happening increases DRAMATICALLY if you do not offer emotional support as a friend .

This seems mean, but let me tell you, a man NEVER has to offer friendship to a woman. That’s what girl friends are for.

ESPECIALLY if the man is interested in the woman romantically. This is only meeting her emotional needs without getting anything in return. In other words, if you are interested in a woman romantically and settle for a friendship, you are allowing her to step all over you and use you.

What do I mean by this? I mean that you are offering her what she needs most (emotional support) without her having to satisfy your need (that romantic connection)

A man should not stick around and settle for friendship if he wants more.

It is an act of martyrdom and one that women internally don’t respect.

They may not realize this, but they start feeling like they can walk all over you, demand anything, take you forgranted, basically NOT the position you want to be in. All because you agreed to these terms you didn’t want to agree to. All because they know you think they’re cute and they can get away with things. I don’t want men to be manipulated!

You lose respect for a man who will sit around and just be your friend when he really wants more.

Watch what happens: You agree to this “just friend” role. She starts liking a new guy. You end up being the guy who hears about the new guy. YUCK. Then you become the pushover who gets to hear about the new guy all the while wishing you were him.

And boy, she will surely lose respect for you at this point, and you’re taking a big step in the opposite direction of attracting her.

If you have any chance of her seeing you romantically, she has to have a chance to miss what you provided her emotionally, and you can only do this if you do not offer her friendship.

In my past there was this man who pursued me diligently and I declined, even though I was MADLY attracted to him. I declined because at the time I wanted to be single and I thought he was too young.

Finally I told him, “I’m not interested, but we can be friends.” His response, I will FOREVER respect and admire:

Take note gentlemen, this is how to respond:

“Sorry sweetie, I have enough friends. And God knows, I could never look at you and see you as just a friend.”

It was a compliment and a great way to decline my offer for friendship.

To this day, I still think about him with such high regard. Never played games, pursued me with all diligence and made my heart melt. It is the BEST way to exit a romantic situation when the girl gives you the “let’s just be friends” line.

That was the last time we ever spoke, but he left an impression on me. THAT is how a man needs to react.

If things started off smoothly and there were romantic sparks but then something went awry, what I suggest you do is first ask her what happened…

Was there ever a romantic spark on her part? If so, what changed it? That way, you can leave the situation having learned something to apply to the next woman you pursue. Then I would LEAVE HER ALONE.

Do not send “friendly flowers.”

Show her that if she is not with you romantically, she doesn’t receive the benefits of romance.

She will respond in one of two ways: She will miss you and realize that she does want you and come crawling back… or she will forget about you… and you will forget about her. Either way, you will walk away a winner.

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Article written by:

I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

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  1. hunter


    Ever hear of the terms, “friends with benefits?” An experienced man, might say, “we can be FWB”. (or F*** buddies) Then if she says no, its time to hit the road.

  2. MidoriLei

    FWB… been there done that. omg. so much drama in the end. I don’t think you can separate the physical with the emotional for too long without someone getting too attached.

  3. hunter


    Women can be FWB’s after 50, with no problem, so I am told.

  4. MidoriLei

    haha is i cuz of menapause? Maybe less shifting hormones. R u assuming it’s not the men who start getting attached?

  5. hunter


    I was told, men get sensitive after 50. (we cry during the national anthem…..)

  6. Joel

    It’s not always that easy. Sometimes she’s part of a circle of friends you hang with regularly. You can’t just cut off a bunch of your friends because a girl turned you down.

  7. Allan

    Such a ballsy post! I like it.

  8. MidoriLei

    hunter, whoop whoop! I didn’t know that! Can’t wait to see that happen to my husband! lol I’ve never seen him shed a tear.

    • Frankie

      That doesn’t mean men will cry over anything. Not the same as women. Don’t get that confused and don’t think that’s a weakness that you just “..Can’t wait to see that happen..”

  9. MidoriLei

    Allan, thank you so much! that means A LOT coming from you:)

  10. MidoriLei

    Joel, GREAT point. In that case, what I mean is that you should not treat her any differently than all the other friends. THAT means that she should not get special treatment. If you wouldn’t do it with your male friends, DONT do it with her. No long emotionally charged phone conversations, no “innocent” friendly flirting. No prolonged one-on-one psuedo dates. Just hang out with her in the group like everyone else. She has to feel that she is NOT any different from the guys who are just your buddies.

  11. hunter


    Circles of female friends, don’t usually date one on one, they, are highly protective of each other.(Mostly, ’cause, these women still hurt) Unless a man is skilled(in the social/dating setting) or good looking, do your prospecting other places.

  12. Fangs

    Thanks. I’ll try that excomm. thing. just might work.

  13. Tim Cole

    Extremely educative appreciate it, I do believe your subscribers could possibly want more articles along these lines continue the good work.

  14. JC

    I just got that line “the bottom line is, we really do have a great friendship and that’s whats the best for us, I feel” my response was “ok, you wont get any argument out of me because theres nothing I can say or do to change your mind, this is what you want so all I can do is respect your decision.” she then replied’ “well thats nice to hear” and that was it, I am applying the NC rule here and see where it goes. The issue though is that we have a kid together, so there needs to be contact obviously but the only contact should be about our daughter, short and to the point. The FB statuses are positive, funny I am acting upbeat. Its funny though what you said in your post about “…I mean that you are offering her what she needs most (emotional support) without her having to satisfy your need (that romantic connection)” is SO true, she was having a rough time financially and emotionally, I was always the one who offered to help and she took it but I got NOTHING in return. NOTHING. In fact she didnt talk to me after she got what she wanted! It’s time to turn that around, I am sure it’ll take time. Is this the right approach? Is this all I can do other than start dating someone else?

  15. MidoriLei


    It’s ok to start dating someone else. It’s important to be cordial and nice when you do have to communicate with her about your daughter, but other than that, I wouldn’t make any moves to initiate communication. She deserves niceness but not friendship. Good luck.

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  17. Janet

    I have an issue with this article because this happens with woman all the time and not just guys. Do we totally back out of friendships with guys we’re not interested in? I have learned so many things through having friendships with guys. Many of these guys I’ve never been interested and never will be but do you think that means that I should never talk to those guys? Or is this just for guys who are interested in you? I’d like to know what you think about when the woman has this issue where she isn’t interested in him but the guy is totally interested. Do we stop being friends with that guy?

    • MidoriLei

      Janet, great question. I don’t think that you should stop being friends with the guy. That’s really his call to make… But as a good friend, I would encourage you to make it VERY clear to your guy friend that you are not interested and that will never change… And introduce him to friends of yours! Encourage him to pursue other women. Build up his confidence by telling him what he brings to the table and if there is a way to lovingly tell him things he could change to increase his chance of securing dates with women, tell him. Encourage him with this sentiment: you love your friendship with him but as there are only so many hours in the day, you really don’t want to be the reason why he doesn’t make time or doesn’t give more energy to pursuing women with whom he has a future with. Tell him one day You will be in a relationship with another guy and You don’t want him to spend all of his time and energy on you because it’s not going anywhere. Tell him you are saying this as a friend who truly wants him to be happy and you’re saying this all because you don’t want to be selfish with his time…

      With all that said, he can make the call as far as how much time he wants to invest in the friendship knowing full well it will not lead anywhere romantic

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  21. clay

    “I love you too much to ever start liking you, so lets just let the story kind of end. I love you too much to ever start liking you so don’t expect of me to be your friend” -LOBO

  22. amirali

    first of all thank you very much ….
    my girlfriend did this to me last night …
    i didnt’ slept since then . i am very sad and cried all day .
    but after i read your article i really feel a little easy and safer because i did exactly as you said .
    i told her idont need friends and cant be friends with you .
    i was with this angel for more dan 2 years . she dont have father and i always was there for her in any situations but i dont now why she did this to me …
    i really love her …
    this article really gave hope to me that may be one day she will feell that i was the man who really give her all my love . i dont now what to say and what to do …
    i just feell pain in my heart . hope i can bear it …
    i will be appreciated if you have any ideas pls for god sake send me in email . may be it can help me for better .

    i hope all the true lovers in this world recieve what they really deserve …

  23. gagan

    So after reading this article i am really confused.we were in a long distance relationship for 2 years.we have never met,dated or any of that stuff but we were in love..we were introduced by her mom who happens to be close to my relatives.we talked everyday for almost 2 hours,skyped, made plans about our future ,then one day she suddenly changed and wants to be friends and said she wants to go out n meet people n date..but at the same time she calls me every week or so to talk and says its nice to talk to talk to someone who cares etc..she is very young(21) and am 28..am deeply in love with her(i know its weird coz i have never met her but i am),i know she cares and loves me but wudnt budge..what should i do?play along as a friend and talk to her when she calls without me making a call or message..i have noticed whenever i dont attend her call she calls the next day to ask me where was i but indirectly..i have talked to her mom about this but she says oh she is immature jus keep talking and dont worry about all these things..what should i do?

    • MidoriLei


      I don’t think it’s possible,at least IMO to be in love with someone you haven’t even met. Take a step back. Is there any way you can actually meet her? Some things, like chemistry need actually face to face, especially for a woman. The most important thing you need to do is find a way to actually meet. Then update me, and we’ll talk. And when you meet, find an opportunity to steal a kiss! Good luck!

    • Frankie

      You got played! She is keeping you around for emotional support! Ask men who have been around would tell you that. She wants to keep you on a leash! Don’t ask her mom she probably taught her what she knows. Who does 2 hour skype who are not more than friends? Start seeing other people for real. Hey, send her some of those intimate pictures for kicks!

  24. will nist

    Some of us men can’t feign affection and can’t play games and have no defense against women we love. It’s not about getting laid but if we don’t we know we aren’t loved. Unless medical problems and so on. Sorry I am a tough guy with guys but not with women. When love I love. I can’t play games of any kind. I don’t understand women. I don’t. If you really love a woman you can’t be rational if it isn’t returned. Otherwise you aren’t in love. Or you are a very small exception or a liar. Or full of shit. Conquering a woman having her love you are two different things.

  25. Larry

    This is stupid. If a girl rejects you, who cares if she “holds you in high regard”? you said yourself you never spoke to him again. A guy has 2 choices. Just say no, or say yes and then sleep with one of her friends. That way she’ll think about what she’s lost.

    • MidoriLei

      Larry, you’re a real keeper. lol Sleep with one of her friends? You really know how to win the affections of a girl. You don’t need my advice! HA!

      What’s gonna happen is she’s going to think you’re a jerk for sleeping with one of her friends if you really liked her. She’s not thinking about what she’s lost. She’s thinking ‘Thank GOD I did not get with him!’

  26. JoeK

    So I just had precisely this experience with a girl I wanted to date. We get on fantastically well, but she says she is not interested and just wanted to be friends. So I told her that I’d prefer not to be friends, and explained that if I respect her wishes she should also be considerate of mine too. She seemed a little shocked and ended the phone call.

    A few week weeks later, she called me and insists she wants to be friends with me, but nothing more, and she seems to be having a hard time accepting what I’m saying. We don’t work together, but we do have some common work interests and she says that it would be mutually beneficial to be friends, though that sounded like an excuse when she said it. She also says she has many guy friends (she works in a male dominated industry) and that I’m the first one who has ever refused to be friends with her. She says she doesn’t understand why I see it in such a binary way.

    What am I to make of this? I don’t understand what she wants from me.

    • MidoriLei

      Hi JoeK,

      I can understand your confusion and frustration! So girls are not used to hearing the guy who is pursuing them does not accept a friendship. Tell her this, “See I know because you are not interested in me romantically, you can get along just fine emotionally just being my friend. Unfortunately only two things will happen if I only pursue a friendship with you. I’m going to wear you out and eventually you WILL date me (smile and wink) because I can never see you as ‘just a friend’ or you will get so irritated by my advances that you will eventually not want to even be my friend. If I agree to your friendship, just know I will NEVER stop trying to pursue you romantically. It is not in my nature to see you as merely platonic. You have so many qualities I want in a partner. It would break my heart to just be your friend if I knew you would never want anything more. I hope you can understand and respect my position. So either accept a friendship with me knowing I will never stop pursuing you romantically, or accept that I must deny you of my friendship.”

  27. Rashwanov

    I was searching across the web for an answer till i hit this thread.
    We were very close and nice together, she was my best and closest friend and so do I, couldn’t understand why the heck she would refuse me romantically.
    However i totally broke up as a friend for 2 days now and waiting to see what will happen next

  28. Tim

    Haha, wow, I’ve had women do this several times and I’ve always declined. The thing I’ve noticed though is that they always take it pretty poorly, and after having two women in a row begin crying when I said “no” and then later (in long emails) confess that they actually did like me but weren’t ready for so much investment so fast, I’m beginning to think that the thing you should really do is just say that you’ll talk to them later and give them some space for a bit. If they don’t come around, then you can walk for good but I think some of these girls are just nervous and want a little time to get to know you better. This of course doesn’t apply if you’ve been dating for a long time or know each other very well already… Just thinking out loud

    • MidoriLei

      That’s another option too Tim! Love it!

      Then again, you wouldn’t have found out those girls actually liked you if you hadn’t gone the approach of saying “no I don’t want to be friends” right?

  29. Tim


    Yeah, I suppose you’re right, though in one case the girl had actually said she wanted to be friends “first” and I thought she was just feeding me a line. Haha, I think the trick is just trying to feel out the sentiment and having a good awareness of the situation. If it feels like the vibe is anxious at all, you might just try slowing things down for a bit. If she just flat out rejects you or has been growing distant though, you’re probably safe walking away.

    In any case, I hope I don’t hear it again as none of those situations are ideal lol

    • MidoriLei


      Those cases are definitely not the ideal. I think when she said she wanted to be friends “first” it shows obvious interest as opposed to when a girl says I “just” want to be friends, which is what my article is talking about. Your situation shows there’s hope. The “just” wanna be friends line is very different. It’s replacing romance with friendship instead of friendship just being the prerequisite for romance. Hope that makes sense.

  30. Wilson

    Hi MidoriLei,

    This is a great post, thanks for sharing. I wouldn’t mind getting your thoughts (or anyone else’s here) on this situation. And it’s a tricky one 🙂 So, recently I started a new job and there met a girl who had a long term boyfriend, but the energy and connection between us was mutually off the charts (at least I would say). After a couple of months of me subtly pursuing her, things happened (we slept together), and very quickly after she broke up with her boyfriend. Now, a wise move I wanted to do was to move away and give space, but she showed a lot of interest and really wanted to spend time with me, so I simply couldn’t resist. After a couple of months of hanging out, she changed her behaviour in a couple of days and said she wants to be friends. I do must say that in those 2 months, she has been saying things like: that’s she can’t stop thinking about me. But she doesn’t want to be in a relationship, and this is starting to feel like dating. And that she is confused. On those comments I would generally react “let’s keep it casual and see what happens”. And things happened probably a bit too quickly.

    So here is this person I have great personal, romantic and sexual connection and who I have to work with in a very social work place, saying she wants to be friends… Ideally I would just get a new job, but that takes a bit of time 🙂
    So the idea I have at the moment is to say “it’s cool, but we’re not friends and you know it, try to spend some time resolving your past relationship, be single and then after a while let’s catch up and see how we feel.” And I don’t think I want to chase her.
    I do wonder what caused a sudden switch from “I think of you and want to kiss you” to “let’s be friends, you’re great and we have great time together”

    Any thoughts would be appreciated, I feel way too subjective to judge 🙂

  31. Michael

    The problem is I love this girl to death who I have loved for six years and she’s never been single. Now she is but she still sees me as a brother and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I can’t just be her friend or her brother but at the same time I also wanna be with her so badly.

  32. Michael

    I did what it said but now she’s crying and now I hate myself and I feel really shitty. I’m wondering if I did the right thing or not. I sure hope so. Because otherwise if I did it wrong…then it all would’ve been for nothing.

    • MidoriLei


      Let her cry. I know it is hard to do. Don’t hate yourself. I know it feels terrible, but women will spend their whole lives “being just friends” with a guy and thinking it’s all innocent– thinking they’re not hurting the guy, when in reality, it is painful for a guy just to be friend zoned when secretly he is pining away loving her. I know you think the loving thing to do is be her friend, but first you have to love yourself. You have to let go of this friendship if you are in love with her. How else will you make room in your life to find someone who will love you back? Or, how else will she ever get the chance to miss you if you don’t first show her life without your friendship? You are not doing ANYTHING wrong by withholding your friendship from someone. In fact, you are doing something RIGHT for you. Why suffer like that? Don’t be a martyr. Make room in your life for women who can see a potential in you romantically. Opposite sex friendships only work if both parties see it platonically. (which is really rare) Without that, someone is always getting hurt.

  33. FM

    Great article. I think it’s unfair for a girl to expect the guy to be friends once she has rejected him romantically. I made my feelings clear to a girl after 2 1/2 months. I met her at a conference, we had dinner and drinks and did a couple of non-romantic, non-sexual activities together and were in touch online for 2 months or so (we live in different countries). We were in touch daily (2 or 3 times a day, sometimes). I was not planning on telling her my feelings until I met her in person, which was to be in the fall. I sent a gift, which she accepted with virtual hugs and kisses. She began to tell me about her frustrations and loneliness etc., which I lent a sympathetic ear to, but the moment she told me she thought she was attracted to another guy, I made my feelings clear to her. She first said she did not realize, then she said she had an idea and thought of throwing the “other guy” out there to see how I would react. She said we have a great connection and is very fond of me, but thinks of me as only a “dear friend” and would like to continue the friendship and would like to get to know me better. When I asked her if there was any hope at all if something romantic happening, she said could not imagine that. (Translation- I think you’re a unrealistic loser, a wimp, a poor excuse for a real man, would never consider you worthy of anything other than a shoulder to cry on, at my convenience of course. What amazes me is that you had the guts to even imagine that I would consider you romantically- you poor slob of a eunuch. There no sugar coating it guys- face it, this is exactly what any girl who pulls the friends card is thinking.)
    I ended my communication, told her it’s too painful to be friends with her knowing nothing could happen, wishing her all the best- she said she was heartbroken to lose me and hopes I would be friends with her again some day.
    I regret ever meeting her, talking to her, “going out” with her- was just humiliating and wasted 3 months of my life- with nothing achieved.
    To reiterate, I’m totally on board with MidoriLei, and think it’s best to get the h*** out of the “relationship” once you realize the relationship is that one-sided.

  34. FM

    Addendum: For the guys out there- my advice is don’t make a move on a girl you have feelings for, unless you are over 95% certain that she has romantic feelings for you. If you even suspect that she doesn’t, then she probably doesn’t (stop kidding yourself), and run away as fast as you can from the “relationship”. In my opinion, it’s better to lose a potential relationship than exposing yourself and risk being humiliated by someone who will probably laugh at you behind your back.

  35. Killer

    Hi Guys,

    Same sort of situation happened me. I had a crush on girl who is my family friend. Who had a breakup and single. Suddenly we started speaking on long calls and late night chats. She proposed me and asked me to marry her. I was very happy and just enjoying my happiness. When I met her first time she felt good. Post tow days she told me that she is still loving her past boy friend . I told her go back to him check if he is single but he was not and he told her she is just a friend of his.. She was broken and chasing him. One fine day she said she does not love me and want to be single .. And said you are my best friend. This all happened in one month . but I m totally broken and unable to come out of this.. Pls suggest me the next step of action.

  36. Ab---

    Is it just me that just dont care lol, if you truely love the other person you should be able to let them go, we don’t own anybody. Conditional love is a learned behavior , cry until you bleed, she doesn’t owe you anything.

  37. Clay

    Don’t you mean to say that “You don’t owe HER anything”?

    Yeah, I think that’s much better…

  38. hunter

    FM, I remember receiving a letter saying, “we are not compatible, this is not going to work out”…I saw that woman months later, she said, “you never called back” and I said, “you told me to stay away”…she said, “I didn’t mean stay away forever”…

  39. hunter

    AB, women like it when a man begs for her attention…

  40. Same Yassin

    Hello “Killer”,

    To be able to come out of this, first you need to know what you did wrong with this girl:
    1. Talking with her on phone for hours is a big turn off for a girl, because with time she feels that she is talking to her girl friend or to an emotional tampon.
    2. When a girl gets out of a long relationship, her feelings are so raw and she is not emotionally stable.

    Your actions should be the following:
    1. Don’t accept her offer for friendship, it is so hard but she will disrespect you if you do.
    2. Start dating other girls as soon as possible. When you meet a girl who likes you and chasing you, you will totally forget about the girl that friend zoned you.

    I am in your exact same situation, I am trying to forget the girl who friend zoned me. When I told her that I can not be her friend, she blocked me on facebook and stopped talking to me since then! It hurts, but I know she respected what I did although she lost her emotional support from me. Most importantly, it would be awful for me

  41. Bill W.

    At age 63,I can honestly heard the let’s be friends routine,more times than i would care to admit.When a woman says that to me,I firmly reject the offer,and cut all ties.No phone calls,no flowers,no door mat! There are many,many other fish in the see,and life is just too short,to stand on the dock
    and wait for the one that got away,to swim back to me.LOL.It ain’t gonna happen,so move on,and get your pole,back in the water again.

  42. Colin

    Went out with this woman for over a month, and I thought we hit off well from the get-go.  We had a lot of things in common but she wanted to take things slow.  She said she was looking for a long term relationship, but at the same time she said she had a lot on her plate and wasn’t sure if she could balance being in a relationship.

    I walked her home and we were discussing doing more active dates rather than dinner and just talking.  I said if she needed time, I was open to taking things slow.  We kissed (she kissed back), and the next day through phone I told her that the convo the other night about the status of this relationship was good for its honesty.  Then she said it’s better off if we’re friends, that I’m a nice guy and best of luck.

    I am more confused than anything else.  Thoughts?

    • MidoriLei

      Colin, ask her to clarify. Why does she think you are better off as friends? What changed? Is it her wanting to take things slower physically with hopes of something romantic developing in the future or is this situation like a
      “I could never see you as more than a friend now.” If she says its a forever kind of thing then I would move on. If she just wants to take things slower but is still open minded to the possibility of romance than I think it’s something worth pursuing.

  43. Andrew

    So here is my story. I had been dating this woman for close to 10 months (although she wouldn’t say dating for a while even though her own close friend told her in July we were not casually dating). We recently got back from a trip just after Christmas through New Years. She has a bad past history of relationship (not one guys has treated her well or not cheated on her). I was different from her norm and was none of that. Always there for her and treating her like a queen. I don’t think she every thought she was deserving of that. She was constantly in a state of flux (i need space but then coming right back). When we got back from our trip she wanted to talk and the talk was a joke. She said she was annoyed by the flowers (got them once a month) and I was telling people we were in a relationship (never did that but said we were dating). It was all laughable (my friends who heard it said it was self sabotage – she couldn’t find a reason). I think I got to close and she pushed me off. Her daughter really liked me as well. I wound up sending her an e-mail since she didn’t let me talk. This was never casual because you don’t meet my friends or family and I don’t meet yours. You don’t say I miss you and I don’t say it and we don’t take trips together. Casual is we talk here and there. So she sends a text saying I’m just so sorry I can’t give you what you need right now and she needs time to heal and grow (from her previous relationship) and she thinks about me often. I tell her I understand that and I think about you every day and pray for you and your well being every day. I think we won’t talk for a while but a week later she pushes the envelope. Sends me a picture of her at 1:12am. A day later sends another pic saying her daughter made the sign so I keep my answers short and positive. Next day she asks was I coming to work out with her anytime soon. I say unfortunately I won’t be able to at this time (trying to keep my space).

    She says I won’t bother you anymore. I respond with I don’t consider it bothering me from somebody I love that way. I was giving you space that you need to heal and grow. Two days later she sends me some horoscope thing that says they try to stay positive when overwhelmed and when stressed need alone time but don’t know how to explain that to others. I send a response saying you know I care about you and I told you I wanted to see where things go but you are hesitant. I think we need to communicate more effectively. I have been giving you space and honoring your request. I would like to talk a little more to provide support for each other. Two days later she says we can move forward but I am offering friendship…nothing else!!

    To me that was her trying to control things and keep me in her life as she sorted herself out. You don’t say I’m just so sorry I can’t give you what you need right now and then also send me a pic at 1:12am if you are only trying to be friends. I responded with I gave it some thought. I want more than just your friendship so I’ll have to pass. She said take care. It’s been a few weeks since we spoke. Everyone who knows about this situation said it’s only a matter of time before she reaches back out to me.

    What do you think about this Midori?

    • MidoriLei

      Hi Andrew,

      I agree with others that it’s probably only a matter of time before she reaches back out to you. What you can do if you don’t want to wait because there is no guarantee that she will reach back out to you, is to clarify that you want more than friendship and you always will, but it doesn’t mean that you’re going to pass on the offer of friendship because you care about her deeply– tell her you’re willing to offer her just friendship RIGHT NOW with the understanding that you want more in the future and you will always want more. The moment she doesn’t see that as a possibility is the time that you ask her to let you go completely, friendship and all. Tell her you are patient, but that for your own well-being, because you are not a martyr, you’ll only accept her friendship as a temporary situation and ask her to she honor your intentions to let you go completely if she sees no possibility of a romantic interest in the future. If she does see that possibility and can give you that hope, then you’re willing to basically take a step back physically and take things slow and offer friendship, if that’s what she needs right now. What do you think of this conditional friendship Andrew?

      • Andrew

        Here is my only issue with this Midori. I made it clear to her that I wanted more than just her friendship. She knows this. I can’t go from loving this woman to being her friend while she is on dating websites (match and tinder) looking for attention and trying to distract herself from her issues she won’t deal with. She is looking for validation from random strangers because she doesn’t feel good about herself. What she has written on her profile is only going to get her negative attention and honestly these guys are only going to come at her about sex.

        I have been there for her this entire time as well as her daughter, but she is the one who pushed me away. It’s now been about 7 weeks since we have had any contact. I have told her in the past that we could take things slow and that I am a patient person. I don’t believe she had any intention (neither did my life coach/relationship coach) of only being a friend. I think she knows what I bring to the table and wanted to keep me around for her own benefit but I am not doing that. After 10 months I wanted to date exclusively (didn’t necessarily need to be called boyfriend/girlfriend).

        Let me ask you what will offering friendship RIGHT NOW do? Isn’t that giving her an ultimatum? She is an A type personality and typically ultimatum’s don’t go over well. She has a bad history of choosing men so the one man who was there through good and bad even when she lashed out at him is the one she pushed away. Counselor thinks that she doesn’t believe she deserves a man who treats her this way.

        • MidoriLei

          Hi Andrew,

          To answer your question about what will offering friendship to her right now do? I think that if you have said you won’t accept friendship and you’ve not been communicating for several weeks then going back and accepting friendship wouldn’t be the right thing to do. It will show her you’re not a man of your word and you have weak resolve. So I agree that it’s better to stay backed off.

  44. Fed

    Hey Midorilei,

    I find your advices quite helpful because i also suffer from a similar issue. There was a girl who sent me a message on a website and we started to chat everyday, she always initiated the conversation, sent pics about her day etc. We went two dates on the first date we kissed and even went further which made me concerned that she rushed it a bit. Then she said she recently broke up with her bf so she is not ready for a relationship now and i said its okay i can wait for her. After a week we went on another date and i played it cool and distant a bit, then she held my hand and kept holding it till we leave and after that she said its better for me not to wait for her because she has no feelings for me and said its better to remain friends which i answered saying i dont want to be friends with her and we dont talk anymore. Can you please give me and advice? Thanks in advance.

    • MidoriLei

      Fred, you should tell her that you don’t want to be friends because you could never see her as just a friend, but if she ever wants to try to be more than friends, you are always open to that. Tell her, “It’s hard for me to believe you have no feelings for me because of all the time we have spent together and all the physical affection we have shared. What has changed? Are you afraid I will hurt you? I don’t want you to be afraid. Tell me in the time we have been together, what has changed? I want to be with you. I want to fight for what we have.”

      All of this will show her you care for her as more than a friend and will clarify that you don’t want to be just her friend because you care for her as more than a friend. It will also show her you are good at communicating and that you are confident there are feelings on her end otherwise she wouldn’t have done anything with you physically. Be confident, be concerned, show her you care for her and that she has no reason to be afraid. A lot of the time, women get scared and run away when things move too fast physically and they are not quite ready to go into a physical relationship. Tell her you can take a step back if she is uncomfortable with how fast things are moving, but you only see her as a romantic interest, not a platonic interest. Hope that helps! I don’t check my comments here as often as my email so feel free to email me for a text or email consultation if you need more help.


  45. Fed

    Hi, i have posted something on here last week but it looks like it is removed for spme reason could you please give me an advice?

  46. Santos

    I am Santos “Black”from Nairobi, Kenya, I met a very beautiful white on my duty she was kind and off my age you know! so its just started as a jock, started having the emotional feelings towards her and I gave her a quick walk across my city showing her how my city is, we went to a restaurant of my favourite and she really like it. made her taste our local food on which she insist, took her to her booked hotel in the city, and I grab my car drive back home with my heart full of joy. Now on her finale day flying back to dubai I bought her a gift and she was like “damn Santos” this is beautiful Oh my god, that is normal to ladies you know! when had some photos together inside the car while driving to the airport. She gave me a big smile and she blink her left eye to me. Now I was like damn this is sweet, she gave me her whatsapps number that we used to chat daily since October 2016, I one day I just told her that I have emotional feelings towards her and I love her so much…, She responded damn Santos you can’t says that what I can only offer you in my life is friendship but nothing more, My heart started shaking, And I rushed online to read some articles how to go about this and I found this article “Sorry sweetie, I have enough friends. And God knows, I could never look at you and see you as just a friend” I decided to send her that and she responded “then you have to move on” and she repeat only thing i can offer you is “friendship” we are friends Santos.

    Upto now I feel so sorry to myself , Kindly help guys I really need her in my life. anyone with better solution please inbox me

    • Maxwell

      Ain’t gonna happen man. Women love using guys as emotional tampons and use them for money and attention. They love it. You waited too long to act as a sexual interest to her. It’s your fault. Just take the knowledge that oyu need to act as a sexual interest ASAP!!

  47. Jamie

    She had given me the oppurtunity 2 caress her but she insist on being friends, she says she doesn’t want me to start somfin i cant finish, her reasons are best known to her is always her reply. She calls me often, she always respond my mssgs with a call, yet she just wants us to be friends… Pls what am i Suppose to do

    • MidoriLei

      Hi Josh,
      I am no longer answering comments needing advice at this time due to time constraints and a new person taking over my role. If you are interested in getting your comment answered, you can look into my paid services (email and text consultations“>email and text consultations) here. Thanks. Sorry for the late response.

  48. Josh

    Hi Midorilei,

    I have kept the wall up for the several years not wanting to date over my last relationship and the hurt she caused. Well, the last several months I have been able to get to know this girl really well. I would take my lunch breaks there where she works to eat lunch. We had instant chemistry and flirted every time we would see each other with our eyes, verbally and with our smilies. I have been friends on Facebook before this but never really recognized her before. She has been successfully to continue to tear the wall down with me. She has her own wall up from a bad previous relationship where she has a daughter from. She is a single mom. We would send each other messages on Facebook with some flirty in nature. She asked several people in the community about me and my character and the type of person I was as I continue to come to work more often to eat. She told me that she asked people about me. Well, I was at church about a month ago. I looked over and there she was. She was already looking at me smiling and waving. That night I communicated to her that we are in a gray area and told her I would like to see you more and see where this goes. She told me that she wants to be friends and doesn’t see that changing but we can go to dinner and do things together in the future as friends. I told her that I am respecting her wishes but now I want take your advice and tell her otherwise. I had order some flowers for her for Mother’s Day as a friend to be thoughtful towards her since she is a single mom having them delivered to her work. I cancelled the order because of the possible conflict it may cause with her getting flowers in front of her coworkers and them asking her about them and who sent them. What should I do next? I am head over heels for her and have treated her like a Princess.

    • MidoriLei

      Hi Josh,

      I am no longer answering comments needing advice at this time due to time constraints and a new person taking over my role. If you are interested in getting your comment answered, you can look into my paid services (email and text consultations) here. Thanks. Sorry for the late response.

  49. John

    Your article about remaining friends with a girl that you have feelings for is spot on ! I had to use your advice although it’s been very hard for me to deal with I know it is the best move . Thanks wish me luck 😀

  50. Chris

    I followed your advice tonight. I told the love of my life that I wouldn’t accept “let’s be friends”. I feel pretty empty and down right now. In my case, we were going through a Romeo and Juliet situation with her parents.

  51. Lisa Johnson

    This is an ignorant article! Any man who proclaims “I already have the friends I need” doesn’t have any friends! This is all about ego and it’s why men end up with the short end of the stick! You need to wholeheartedly eccept that friendship! It’s the first real step to a real relationship. No, you aren’t being used as an emotional crutch for the woman! If you are, that’s your doings, not hers! It also doesn’t work the way this article insinuates. You don’t “give emotional support and expect sex in return” The article hints at this and if this is how you view relationships, THAT’S the main reason you don’t have one! Stop thinking with your dick and enjoy the ladies company as a FRIEND. Two things will happen. You will either end up with a great friend for life or the love of your life. But not until you put sex completely off the table until your foundation is laid firm.

    • Robyn-Anna

      I agree that men should not look at all women as a possibility, but should invest in friendships. Women do make great friends, and if it is just about sex, then you are right…think of women as friends. However, if a man is interested romantically (or a woman is interested romantically for that matter) they should not stay around and subject themselves to being hurt by seeing their love interest pursue other people. Take care of your emotional well-being first. Therefore, don’t settle for a friendship if you want more.

  52. Pingback: Dating is Hard; Rejection is harder: What to do When She Says No?

  53. Timothy Allen

    So I’ve been talking to this woman for going a year now. We’ve gone on day trips together, and have done the normal couples stuff. I made my intentions clear from the beginning that I wasn’t interested in “just friendship”. So flash forward to a few days ago to her saying “I truly value your friendship. I thought we were just friends”. So I tell her that was never my intention nor did I want to be friends, but I feel terrible because I know it hurt her. I just don’t want to be friends or devote time into something I just don’t want. We have blocked each other on social media. I feel bad that it hurt her, but it feels like a weight of my shoulders that I don’t have to maintain a friendship I don’t want. We haven’t spoken in a few days now.

  54. Mark

    Thanks for the article. Even though it doesn’t exactly fit my situation, it is helpful to me.:

    I’ve been friends for years with a wonderful woman. She made it clear from the start she was not looking for love, marriage, sex, children and/or a house in the suburbs. Although I am attracted to her, I assumed that was okay with me. Then she moved to a new job in a different city.

    I had no idea how much that would hurt. I’ve lost friends, male and female, under similar circumstances before. I lost a wonderful friend to cancer, but that didn’t hurt as much as this. Still doesn’t mean we ought to get married. There is a big age difference, although we are both older and never married, and at my age I don’t think I can live with another person anyway. We keep in touch by email, but I think if I really love her, I have to accept neither of us is likely to marry anyone, which is confusing and disappointing too.

  55. Clark

    You need to walk away if you are not interested in a friendship. If you don’t want a friendship and she does (or vice versa if a woman likes a guy), then you are giving that person the power. If you truly have feelings are you going to be comfortable just being buddies. You are going to silently suffer while they date other people and even worse they will probably complain to you about their partner if things aren’t going well. They use you for social, emotional, spiritual support. In other words, they apparently are attracted enough to you to want you to fufill the role of basically a significant other. And I read one person say if you tell them you already have enough friends, that means you don’t have any. That is untrue. Most people already have their group of friends and are looking only to add a significant other not another buddy. Walk away.

  56. Dana

    I think alot of times women date the guy who will impress there friends the most. If their friends dont like you then sorry hit the road. Im 54 almost 55 and dealt the crap women like to pull since I was 13. Alot of men and maybe me also just need to give up. Im tired of being single but their loss

  57. Xiao Yuu

    She said she just wanted us to be friends yesterday.
    I met her last month and things went extremely well. Slept at her place on the third date, and since we live very close, we saw one another on a daily basis. It went fast and at the end of the first week, she said that we were dating exclusively. We had our first argument when I told her about her about my sex life with my exes, after she told me about hers but I managed to resolve it peacefully, after accepting her request blocking the ones I no longer date on Facebook.
    We fought again once over this and this time because I kept a picture of my ex on my phone. We didn’t see each other for several days and she said that she was unsure whether we should be friends or not. And that my love words for her made her feel pressured.
    I tried to persuade her that we could work out and things went well for a while. We did talk about our family and had the intention of going official’. We went not that well but we had sex regularly until three days ago, after sex she didn’t want me to sleep at her place after I confessed to her that I love her.
    And yesterday, after ghosting me for an entire day, she told me, this time very determined, that she wanted us to be friends and that see saw no future for us.
    Yesterday I panicked and agreed with her terms in hope of getting her back later. She replied almost immediately and told me that she saw me as a friend and we could continue that way.
    But this morning, after I read this article, I decided to tell her that I can’t stomach seeing her as a friend and. Currently waiting for her reponse

    • Robyn-Anna

      It’s so hard, but you did the right thing. It is better not to be strung along, just rip off the bandaid and let the healing start. Prayers for your heart; I know how hard it is.

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