What to Do When She Says, “I JUST Want to Be Friends.”

February 17th, 2011 by MidoriLei

DO NOT AGREE TO THESE TERMS.

I’m not suggesting you demand that she sees you romantically.

I’m also not suggesting you start stalking her.

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY FOR A MAN TO WIN IN THIS SITUATION.

Ok, she wants you to only be friends. I think you should respect her and stop pursuing her romantically. Not to say that there isn’t a possibility of something in the future, but for now, respect her wishes.

BUT, listen closely. With that wish, she also has to deal with something else.

I suggest that you also do NOT remain friends with her.

If there is any chance that she will see you romantically, sooner rather than later or NEVER, the probability of it happening increases DRAMATICALLY if you do not offer emotional support as a friend .

This seems mean, but let me tell you, a man NEVER has to offer friendship to a woman. That’s what girl friends are for.

ESPECIALLY if the man is interested in the woman romantically. This is only meeting her emotional needs without getting anything in return. In other words, if you are interested in a woman romantically and settle for a friendship, you are allowing her to step all over you and use you.

What do I mean by this? I mean that you are offering her what she needs most (emotional support) without her having to satisfy your need (that romantic connection)

A man should not stick around and settle for friendship if he wants more.

It is an act of martyrdom and one that women internally don’t respect.

They may not realize this, but they start feeling like they can walk all over you, demand anything, take you forgranted, basically NOT the position you want to be in. All because you agreed to these terms you didn’t want to agree to. All because they know you think they’re cute and they can get away with things. I don’t want men to be manipulated!

You lose respect for a man who will sit around and just be your friend when he really wants more.

Watch what happens: You agree to this “just friend” role. She starts liking a new guy. You end up being the guy who hears about the new guy. YUCK. Then you become the pushover who gets to hear about the new guy all the while wishing you were him.

And boy, she will surely lose respect for you at this point, and you’re taking a big step in the opposite direction of attracting her.

If you have any chance of her seeing you romantically, she has to have a chance to miss what you provided her emotionally, and you can only do this if you do not offer her friendship.

In my past there was this man who pursued me diligently and I declined, even though I was MADLY attracted to him. I declined because at the time I wanted to be single and I thought he was too young.

Finally I told him, “I’m not interested, but we can be friends.” His response, I will FOREVER respect and admire:

Take note gentlemen, this is how to respond:

“Sorry sweetie, I have enough friends. And God knows, I could never look at you and see you as just a friend.”

It was a compliment and a great way to decline my offer for friendship.

To this day, I still think about him with such high regard. Never played games, pursued me with all diligence and made my heart melt. It is the BEST way to exit a romantic situation when the girl gives you the “let’s just be friends” line.

That was the last time we ever spoke, but he left an impression on me. THAT is how a man needs to react.

If things started off smoothly and there were romantic sparks but then something went awry, what I suggest you do is first ask her what happened…

Was there ever a romantic spark on her part? If so, what changed it? That way, you can leave the situation having learned something to apply to the next woman you pursue. Then I would LEAVE HER ALONE.

Do not send “friendly flowers.”

Show her that if she is not with you romantically, she doesn’t receive the benefits of romance.

She will respond in one of two ways: She will miss you and realize that she does want you and come crawling back… or she will forget about you… and you will forget about her. Either way, you will walk away a winner.

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20 Responses to “What to Do When She Says, “I JUST Want to Be Friends.””

  1. hunter Says:

    Midori,

    Ever hear of the terms, “friends with benefits?” An experienced man, might say, “we can be FWB”. (or F*** buddies) Then if she says no, its time to hit the road.

  2. MidoriLei Says:

    FWB… been there done that. omg. so much drama in the end. I don’t think you can separate the physical with the emotional for too long without someone getting too attached.

  3. hunter Says:

    Midori,

    Women can be FWB’s after 50, with no problem, so I am told.

  4. MidoriLei Says:

    haha is i cuz of menapause? Maybe less shifting hormones. R u assuming it’s not the men who start getting attached?

  5. hunter Says:

    Midori,

    I was told, men get sensitive after 50. (we cry during the national anthem…..)

  6. Joel Says:

    It’s not always that easy. Sometimes she’s part of a circle of friends you hang with regularly. You can’t just cut off a bunch of your friends because a girl turned you down.

  7. Allan Says:

    Such a ballsy post! I like it.

  8. MidoriLei Says:

    hunter, whoop whoop! I didn’t know that! Can’t wait to see that happen to my husband! lol I’ve never seen him shed a tear.

  9. MidoriLei Says:

    Allan, thank you so much! that means A LOT coming from you:)

  10. MidoriLei Says:

    Joel, GREAT point. In that case, what I mean is that you should not treat her any differently than all the other friends. THAT means that she should not get special treatment. If you wouldn’t do it with your male friends, DONT do it with her. No long emotionally charged phone conversations, no “innocent” friendly flirting. No prolonged one-on-one psuedo dates. Just hang out with her in the group like everyone else. She has to feel that she is NOT any different from the guys who are just your buddies.

  11. hunter Says:

    Joel,

    Circles of female friends, don’t usually date one on one, they, are highly protective of each other.(Mostly, ’cause, these women still hurt) Unless a man is skilled(in the social/dating setting) or good looking, do your prospecting other places.

  12. Fangs Says:

    Thanks. I’ll try that excomm. thing. just might work.

  13. Tim Cole Says:

    Extremely educative appreciate it, I do believe your subscribers could possibly want more articles along these lines continue the good work.

  14. JC Says:

    I just got that line “the bottom line is, we really do have a great friendship and that’s whats the best for us, I feel” my response was “ok, you wont get any argument out of me because theres nothing I can say or do to change your mind, this is what you want so all I can do is respect your decision.” she then replied’ “well thats nice to hear” and that was it, I am applying the NC rule here and see where it goes. The issue though is that we have a kid together, so there needs to be contact obviously but the only contact should be about our daughter, short and to the point. The FB statuses are positive, funny I am acting upbeat. Its funny though what you said in your post about “…I mean that you are offering her what she needs most (emotional support) without her having to satisfy your need (that romantic connection)” is SO true, she was having a rough time financially and emotionally, I was always the one who offered to help and she took it but I got NOTHING in return. NOTHING. In fact she didnt talk to me after she got what she wanted! It’s time to turn that around, I am sure it’ll take time. Is this the right approach? Is this all I can do other than start dating someone else?

  15. MidoriLei Says:

    JC,

    It’s ok to start dating someone else. It’s important to be cordial and nice when you do have to communicate with her about your daughter, but other than that, I wouldn’t make any moves to initiate communication. She deserves niceness but not friendship. Good luck.

  16. Women and Friendship: Can Men and Women Just be Friends? Says:

    [...] I wrote about it here: What to say when she “just wants to be friends.” [...]

  17. Janet Says:

    I have an issue with this article because this happens with woman all the time and not just guys. Do we totally back out of friendships with guys we’re not interested in? I have learned so many things through having friendships with guys. Many of these guys I’ve never been interested and never will be but do you think that means that I should never talk to those guys? Or is this just for guys who are interested in you? I’d like to know what you think about when the woman has this issue where she isn’t interested in him but the guy is totally interested. Do we stop being friends with that guy?

  18. MidoriLei Says:

    Janet, great question. I don’t think that you should stop being friends with the guy. That’s really his call to make… But as a good friend, I would encourage you to make it VERY clear to your guy friend that you are not interested and that will never change… And introduce him to friends of yours! Encourage him to pursue other women. Build up his confidence by telling him what he brings to the table and if there is a way to lovingly tell him things he could change to increase his chance of securing dates with women, tell him. Encourage him with this sentiment: you love your friendship with him but as there are only so many hours in the day, you really don’t want to be the reason why he doesn’t make time or doesn’t give more energy to pursuing women with whom he has a future with. Tell him one day You will be in a relationship with another guy and You don’t want him to spend all of his time and energy on you because it’s not going anywhere. Tell him you are saying this as a friend who truly wants him to be happy and you’re saying this all because you don’t want to be selfish with his time…

    With all that said, he can make the call as far as how much time he wants to invest in the friendship knowing full well it will not lead anywhere romantic

  19. Women as Friends, Men as Friends Says:

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