Sometimes it’s hard to be a traditional woman in the dating game. It’s hard because we have to wait. Men are the choosers, women are the chosen. Men get to chose from everyone. Women, choose from the men who’ve chosen them. The temptation is for women to get impatient and start acting as the choosers, and men to get lazy and start acting as the chosen. When this happens, neither party is really satisfied in their role because we just weren’t meant to fulfill the opposite role! (that’s a whole other topic)
After women’s lib, many women are confused. They think empowerment in the workplace translates to the the dating scene as well. Male and female roles are blurred, and women are now acting as the chooser.
So, that makes it even more difficult to sit put and wait, because men are now expecting to be the chosen instead of the chooser. Ahhhh! No one knows their role anymore.
More on this idea of choosing later.
This is what it means to love a woman:
I believe love is forever. Feelings are fleeting, so love can’t be a feeling. Basically, love is a choice. Here’s where it gets tricky. If a girl asks you, “Why do you love me?” Most guys would respond, “Because you’re _____, _____, _____,…” (attach appropriate adjective—sexy, attractive, smart, charming, etc.)
But that isn’t love. Love isn’t “I love you because…” Love is, “I love you.” Period. Because with the “because”, it’s always going to be conditional.
“I love you.” That’s it. It’s not based on anything involving the beloved but a commitment on the lover’s part. Yes there are variables that you love about this woman, but those can’t be the reason why you love her. If there are no other variables besides a choice and a commitment, it means that no matter how much the beloved changes, the love of the lover won’t change.
I wish there was another word, not the same word tossed around with football and pizza, prada shoes and shopping. But that’s what we have in the English vocabulary. It’s just up to us to revere it when used in the context of a relationship. I don’t want a man to tell me he loves me with the same careless breath he uses when he refers to ESPN.
I don’t want a man to tease me with “I love you’s” unless he means forever. My point? Don’t attach love to a condition, to an adjective that may change. It’s a choice that you’ve chosen her, not because of who she is right now (because that may change) but just because you’ve made your choice. And that choice happens to be her. I don’t think any of the ladies in waiting would mind the wait if this kind of man who understands this kind of love is out there, actively choosing, seeking to find her.
Note: This idea came from my favorite Pastor, Matt Chandler.
Midori, this one was SERIOUSLY good!!!
I love reading your blogs, but i really think this is the best yet.. =)
Yeah. I want to share my favorite quote with you because I think that you will get it. I comes from a very old man who liked to babble but whose awakened soul contained much understanding.
““I love you. It’s none of my business what you think of me. It is none of my business. It’s my business what I think of you and I love you. Now if you happen to love me back, it’s a plus. So you can add to my life, but you can’t take away. Did you hear me? This is one of the greatest things that you ever did hear tell of. You can add to my life but you can’t take away, and everybody that lives can add to my life, but they can’t take away, because I’m not trading with you-I love you, period. because I know who you are, whether you do or not. You’re God’s children, everyone of you, and for that reason I love you, and for no other.”
Thanks for that quote Ken! Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!
This actually a very naiive post. Love is not unconditional. Love is not lust, is not desire, and it is a feeling, but also a choice. If someone suddenly becomes everything that you despise, where once that person was everything you admire, then you are very unlikely to continue loving that person, although you may love who s/he once was. And I grant that the earlier choice and feeling of love is unlikely to go away.
In my own views, love is a verb as you practice it, just do not feel it.
A feeling is alright, as it truly grows when you LEARN to love someone by putting in practice “love” itself.
Love to me means to help the other person with half of the load, to care for that person without expecting anything in return. It is not selling or buying a feeling, or an emotions. Attraction is more like the feeling most people refer when they say they love……. For me, love is hard work on one’s part to make things happen in a partnership. Love means endurance and fight for the well being of a relationship. It means not leaving the ship if it has wrecked. It means to make a commitment with oneself first and then transport that commitment to the partner in our life. Love means to cook a special brownie for him, or for her. it means to make chicken noodle soup if he is sick, or even if he is not. It means to tenderly care for each other, even when we might be mad at each other or not agree. It means to compromise based in our free will……. Not due to fears. To love to make the other person feel they belong, no matter what, no matter the differences they might have, to really, really love means to move aside to let the other person fly free and to aim high. It means to help his or her wings to expand and to rejoice in their achievements, it means to be there; to say I am sorry, to make up and to go forward reaching for common ground to pursue both their goals. to really, really love means to work with who is next to you, it means to have patience, to be there. to love means to embrace in hardship and in good times. To love means to be constant, to be kind, to forgive, to commit to the pursue of happiness……. To love means to learn to be selfless, still keeping our own personality, it means to be honest with oneself and with her or him. It means to put in practice what you know will help you build a strong and solid partnership to live together as couple……. To love is to reciprocate, it is to just practice kindness and understanding with a true heart and an open mind…….
To love for me is not Why I love you, but HOW I love you. That is what loves means to me. I respect anyone else’s opinion, you are also entitle to one. In my personal life, that is how I might explain love…….
well said Veronica!
I don’t buy this at all. I agree that love should be forever, otherwise it’s not love, it’s something else. But there has to be some kind of reason why you love someone. Otherwise, you might just as well pick a random person.
In my case, I find it’s because: 1. I’m related to that person. (you know, selfish gene etc.) 2. That person has shown loyalty in difficult times, when everyone else was a snake. 3. That person has unselfishly done something which has markedly improved my life.
i think the most difficult part about pure love is that it goes against nature. we are born with a natural tendency to be selfish – self preservation, so being completely selfless is not natural. therefore, most people tend to want some reward or promise in return for loving another person because they naturally want the best for themselves. true love means wanting the best for someone else even if that other person does not reciprocate in any way. that is why the greatest symbolic act of love is dying for someone else – it violates the self preservation that is in-built in human beings – it goes against nature. true love is not natural.
once we attach conditions or try to be practical about love then it ceases to be altruistic because we are subconsciously declaring that we will walk away at some point – which means there is some point when we will revert to being selfish ie we will choose ourselves over the other person.
that is why the story of jesus christ is so powerful – it is the ultimate example of self sacrifice
Cece! I couldn’t have said it better!!!! thank you!
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks for a great blog.
Interesting post.. i would like to think that there are reasons for making that choice to love. My take is that some attributes have to be present for a feeling to be developed.
The feeling slowly develops into something deeper and more meaningful because of other reasons (could be commitment, experiences, similar values, etc), and that deeper feeling is the love that stays even though the initial attributes have changed.
Hm.. interesting post. I guess this really split opinions.. can be pretty subjective. A good read nonetheless! =)
this was really refreshing to read. thank you. this made me feel really good:
“Love isn’t “I love you because…” Love is, “I love you.” Period. Because with the “because”, it’s always going to be conditional.”
thank you lc!
“Sometimes it’s hard to be a traditional woman in the dating game. It’s hard because we have to wait. Men are the choosers, women are the chosen. Men get to chose from everyone. Women, choose from the men who’ve chosen them.”
(Well put.) I agree (as a man) that this seems very unfair. But maybe it’s nature’s way, for good genetic reasons? The male chooses any and every female in his path, but he usually has to fight or at least perform for her, and win, in order to gain his prize. So the best genes tend to win. Someone’s got to select (or allow) the winner, and logically only the female is left to fill this role. Anyway I think that we humans should be able to break all these rules if we want to, we are sophisticated enough to be intelligent about applying new ideas. Why should a woman not choose if she wants to – how does this upset anything, apart from our neat model? We should try and observe what happens in real life, and then we will have a better idea. I don’t right now, I admit. How about when two people get to know each other especially, over a long period of time? The choosing can be equal and mutual in that case.
I do not believe that love is a choice. If you have to decide to do it, it’s not yet real love, because you can’t choose to love or not. I agree that we get together and make a commitment in the hope that real love will develop over time.
This is my view, based on not very much experience. Possibly it sounds like it’s all written in capitals.
Love springs up from the subconscious, which means we can’t affect it with a conscious choice. We love someone else when they help us in some healthy, deep way that is fundamentally important to our well-being. For example, when a person has made us happy for several years, we are of course grateful in our core and this existential gratitude causes us to feel intense, true, unselfish, healthy, long-lasting love towards that person. For me the idea can be adapted to all levels and varieties of human affection.
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