Unconditional Love, Conditional Desire

Photo by Peter W via stock.xchng

This is a touchy subject for women. It deals with beauty, appearance, weight. Women want unconditional love. A man can provide that, sure. But what women really want is unconditional desire. Unfortunately, men are visual creatures and part of the key to their desiring women is they have to like what they see.

So while their love can be unconditional, their desire is conditional. They may love you if you don’t look like the person they married, but it will be harder for them to desire you in that same way if you change the way you look. I mean, let’s not ignore this fact:

Part of the reason why they fell for you was for the way you looked.

Now don’t get me wrong. They fell for you for reasons that go beyond external, but we cannot ignore the fact that the external played a role.

I read something somewhere awhile ago (how vague, I know) that said that those that need to be concerned are the partners who change their weight and are either more than twenty pounds over or more than twenty pounds under the weight that they were when the relationship started.

I mean, let’s not kid ourselves. When our weight fluctuates 20lbs over or under we look like a different person!

Here’s what one of the moms on The Real Housewives of New Jersey says:

“Even if you are a busy mom, you don’t want to look like a mom. You want to always look like their girlfriend, otherwise, they’ll wish they had a new girlfriend.”

Ouch. I know. I’m not trying to be mean. It’s a reminder to me too since I’ve gained 10 lbs since I moved to Seattle in May and started dating Nate. Gosh. That darn comfortable stage! I’m now committed to walking 10,000 steps per day(yay pedometer from REI) and getting back to eating only when I’m hungry and stopping before I get stuffed. (and maybe not eating any more purple cake???!! j/k all things in moderation!)

So, women, I’m there too. I understand.

Let’s not fight the reality that men are visual creatures.

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I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

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  1. Pingback: Unconditional Love, Conditional Desire | Why Are You Single? Hate being single? Get help and advice here

  2. Dave

    Hah, the pedometer strikes again! Just about everyone I know is telling me how many steps they’ve taken so far that day right now.

    On the +/- 20lbs thing, that reminds me of the old saying “Women marry men hoping they’ll change and men marry women hoping they won’t”. I actually consider the weight gain thing a matter of respect; respect for your spouse and respect for yourself. As you pointed out, a woman’s husband may still love her but is it fair to put on 50lbs and then complain when he loses interest? This country’s turning into a big ole tub of lard and it’s driving me crazy! 🙂

  3. MidoriLei

    Dave, that quote is so true and so fitting! And you’re right, it is a matter of respect. I agree. I read this quote the other day:

    “there are no ugly women, just lazy ones.”

    ouch! But it is true that positive change takes consistent hard work.

    I’m on the pedometer band wagon because I want to multitask! Did you know 10,000 steps a day is equivalent to about 5 miles?! Why get a 35 dollar monthy gym membership, step on a treadmill for an hour a day and have to set aside that time and be bored, when you can walk and go window shopping at the same time! lol a one time 12 dollar fee for a pedometer sure beats 35 dollar monthly payments.

  4. Dave

    True, but will that $12 pedometer lead me through my yoga classes? And what does it do for my shoulders and abs? 😉

  5. rich

    As a man I think that appreciation for a women should be unconditional. Yes, a woman should keep herself up, but to expect that everyday is not realistic. I love the way my woman looks when she wake up and when she is going to sleep. Whether she has a ball gown on or just sweets and tee shirt, I desire her. Women need to her that they are appreciate.

  6. hunter

    Legs having the longest muscle in your body, burn more calories.

  7. MidoriLei

    Rich, your woman is lucky! And you are realistic.

  8. MidoriLei

    hunter, that is random…. but useful information:) Thanks!

  9. hunter

    ……….but, don’t most women say, they allow themselves the weight gain, only because, they get tired of the “alpha males” hitting on them “all” the time. Some women can’t even go to the convenience store without getting hit on. And others get hit on 15-20 times a day!……

  10. MidoriLei

    I’ve never heard of that before Hunter. Then again, most girls don’t have 15-20 guys hitting on them every day!

  11. james

    Dave, I’ve gotta agree with you on that one!

  12. MidoriLei


    ahhh yoga. Well I get bored with yoga. I’m more a fan of rock climbing for shoulders and street hockey for abs:)

    My point is I don’t like the gym. I’d rather walk and multitask, or engage in outdoorsy activities or sports. My boyfriend and I play pickleball, tennis, go backpacking, do street hockey, rock climb, ballroom dance, play ping pong… we’re going to try geo caching and ice skating next!

  13. Dave

    I get bored with yoga too, but once a week is good, and then I do the outdoorsy stuff like surfing and hiking too. You’re right about the gym tho, it can get pretty boring in there.

    Geocaching’s fun, not sure if you know but you can do it with any GPS-enabled phone these days, check out the links on this page (shameless plug for my site)

  14. MidoriLei

    Thanks Dave! I’ll check that out!

  15. Jason Rivera

    What are the best brands of pedometer on the market?’~’

  16. MidoriLei

    Jason… man I’m not sure… but I prefer the ones that aren’t clip on– the ones you can just stick in your pocket. totally discreet. I would check out the ones at REI.

  17. Jennifer Powell

    i always use my pedometer whenever i go out for jogging.~`~

  18. Jack

    I actually don’t use one. I just clock the miles on my car for a specific path and then do the same thing every day. Makes me not have a choice to do less because I go all the way to the middle of nowhere. Ha. By the way, I’ve been using a new date ideas site for dates with my wife… slightly better ideas than the above mentioned site…

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  21. Dan from Two Have Fun

    well said Dave. much more to a relationship than physical attraction

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