Christian Advice

The POINT of Dating

I realized that I may have not ever mentioned this. I give dating advice as you all know, but what is this all for? Let me share with you how I found out the point of all this.

I had my first boyfriend at the tender age of 13, when my parents (bless their heart) shipped me off to the Philippines for a year so I could learn my culture, language and appreciate the luxuries and blessings of living in America. Well, little did they know that their innocent little 13 year old would meet a 16 year old boy who would be the first boy she ever kissed, the first boy who would ever break her heart, the first boy who would make her cry in a huddle with her two bestfriends because he had chosen to break up with her in public with all his friends watching.

    It was quite traumatic being that young and being introduced to a world where boys could in one moment create an exhilarating heart-pumping, I-can’t-believe-he-notices me high and the next moment bring you crashing down to the extreme polar opposite low where you are scampering on the ground helplessly picking up broken pieces of your heart.

And this is the world that I was introduced to, by the boy we nicknamed “The tantalizer-” his gaze was just that- tantalizing. piercing your heart with just a glance.

I came back to the states a different person, afraid of the power that boys could have over me.

And then I met Nathan.

His eyes were a deep blue, so different from the piercing eyes of the boy who broke my heart. His eyes were kind, soothing like the sea. His presence was calming, steady, and predictable like the ocean’s waves crashing on the shore. He never knew my heart had just been traumatized. I didn’t want to get hurt ever again. All I wanted to do was have fun.

So one day, we sat down and he asked me, “Do you know what the point of dating is?”

Without hesitation I answered, “Yeah, to have fun!”

He smiled and added, “Yes, that’s part of it, but it’s to find the person you were meant to marry.”

And he was right. And he is right. And 13 years later, after 12 years of separation, 4 months of phone conversations into the wee morning hours, and 13 months of dating but living in different cities…

we will finally. finally. finally get to the point of all this…

July 31, 2010- 14 years after we started dating… we will get married.

And THAT is the point of dating. To find the one you want to become one with.

Just in case we start thinking that having fun with the opposite sex is the point…

There’s something much greater in store. Something that God uses specifically to mold men and women into better versions of themselves.

Marriage has such a bad rap in our media.

Yet it is so beautiful.

For men who have to constantly be strong and hard, resilient and capable in the world, a wife is an oasis of constant affection; she is a place of rest where you can finally take off your armor and just be comforted by her tenderness and love.

For women
who never feel like they are desirable enough or good enough, or beautiful enough, or smart enough, a husband is an endless source of encouragement, he is a place of refuge, a reminder that you can stop striving. That you already are everything he desires.

And for both husband and wife
, marriage is a safe haven where you have the freedom to be naked and known, fearless and shameless. A place to verbalize and try all your sexual fantasies because you have a lifetime to explore your sexuality.

Marriage is a sacred place where you can truly discover and appreciate pleasure because sex will always be readily available and accessible.

So to end with….and to prepare us for this great gift of marriage…

Here are two of the BEST sermons on what our roles are in marriage:

For the women:

For the men:

(note to my future husband: baby I can’t wait to let the whole world know that I belong to you! Thank you for choosing me.)

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Article written by:

I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

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  1. Lydia

    Aw, this was so sweet! 🙂 You guys have a pretty amazing love story and I’m so happy that you’ve finally be reunited and will get to spend the rest of your lives together 🙂 Love is so amazing to begin with, but even more precious when you’ve waited so long for it!

  2. MidoriLei

    thank you so much lydia! It is pretty crazy how it all happened.

  3. Heather May

    Hey Midori,
    I think you make a great point, that dating is to discover who we are meant to be with. On that note, I want to add in that when a relationship ends people don’t need to feel like they have failed. They have merely found the answer that they began seeking (“Will we get married and live happily forever after?”). If two people aren’t going to work out, then finding this out IS a success.

    I also can’t help but respectfully disagree with your declaration that marriage is where “….. sex will always be readily available and accessible.” From candid personal revelations that I have read or heard, that is never the case. It really couldn’t be further from the truth, just from an understanding of the complexity and individuality of humans in general.

    It is more accurate to say that sex will not be readily available nor readily accessible because it involves two humans with varying moods, desires, and physical/emotional capabilities and both should enter marriage with their eyes and hearts wide open to this reality check. This calls for both to devote the rest of their lives discovering how to lovingly and respectfully elicit, understand, and enwrap each other’s sexuality fully into harmony together.

    I am fascinated by the advice I read once that said in order to show respect for the other person we can not place demands on the other, but rather we can make requests of them.

  4. MidoriLei

    Great point, Heather, that finding out that the other person is not meant to be your partner for life can be a positive thing. It definitely has the benefit of freeing both individuals to find who they were truly meant to spend the rest of their lives with as well as keeping two people from making a huge mistake in continuing to date exclusively.

    I must say that this idea that sex is “readily available and accessible” is definitely an ideal, but one that is achievable if both partners want to live biblically:

    1 Cor 7:

    3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.

    4The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

    5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    6I say this as a concession, not as a command.

    With two individuals who are seeking to glorify God above all in their marriage, hopefully it would be their priority to not allow varying moods, desires and physical/emotional capabilities to keep them from satisfying the sexual needs of their partner. As long as one is ready to go, the other ideally should meet his or her partner’s sexual need in that moment. For it they only did it when both parties desired it, it would only be selfish act. As we know, love involves sacrifice and selflessness.

    But I agree, being demanding is not the answer. Hopefully the other party understands this principle that their body is not their own, that it belongs to their partner and willingly gives their body to their spouse.

  5. Robyn

    I enjoyed your article! And the happy ending between you and Nathan! I love hearing about others happy endings!!!

    I would like to comment on the statement you made, “For women who never feel like they are desirable enough or good enough, or beautiful enough, or smart enough, a husband is an endless source of encouragement, he is a place of refuge, a reminder that you can stop striving. That you already are everything he desires.”

    I think that women should have their identity solidified before they enter into a marriage, or in my case even a relationship. For a woman to depend on a man to feel beautiful, smart, desirable, or good enough will leave her in a cycle of dissatisfaction. Every person needs to have their dependence solely on Christ and their identity based in Him, even though it is a hard road! Your husband will be the person that you might strive to satisfy when you are together, but every woman should know, before that marriage, that she is enough without a man. No person can complete you or make you feel enough. If you are looking to another person to do that you should take time to examine why you feel another can complete your identity, and maybe take time to get to know yourself and love yourself without the dependence on someone else’s opinion to make you feel happy or complete.

  6. MidoriLei

    Omgoodness! Robyn, you are so right. I guess it’s just hard when a woman is single because she is constantly bombarded with what exactly makes a woman desirable according to fashion, the media, other women…. I’ve just noticed from personal observation that men typically are not as critical of women as women are of themselves and each other… and being married to a man who is that way can help a woman be more accepting of herself. because really, if a woman is daily faced with her worst critic (herself), a critical media with unrealistic expectations, and the criticism of her own female peers, then how could she overcome this?

    Having her identity and worth planted in Christ is the answer definitely, but I think God uses encouraging male opinions, especially that of a loving husband to aid in a woman’s constant battle for self acceptance, especially in a culture that screams otherwise.

    The husband is supposed to reflect Christ, so although Christ is the answer, marriage to a loving husband is yet another icing on the cake, another way for Christ to demonstrate his provision to a fallen female who constantly will battle the temptation to believe that she is missing something in her life ( It started with Eve!) It’s no wonder we are still deceived today to believe lies. Adam wasn’t deceived. He chose that path. Had he spoken up and spoken truth to Eve, things may have played out differently.

    So it is with men and women today, being a product of our first fallen parents: But men can bring about a sort of redemption by helping women to see the lies they tell themselves.

  7. Carmen Parton

    Hi I am Carmen. I enjoy your blog. I can read more dating related blog in site. this site provide very good info about dating related topic.

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