For Single Girls

The Bachelor: Why Sean Didn’t Choose AshLee

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Are you keeping up with the Bachelor? It is my guilty pleasure, I have to admit. Maybe it’s because I write this dating column and I like to learn things about relationships and watch them unfold. Maybe it’s because I always like to guess who’s going to go home. Before the last episode aired, I already knew for certain AshLee was going home. I made Nate watch it with me. His bet was on Catherine.

Sean blogs about sending AshLee home and says the biggest reason he didn’t keep Ashley was,

“I’ve said from the very beginning that I was looking for my best friend. Being with Lindsay and Catherine seemed like they could be that. I didn’t have the same feeling when I was with AshLee.” (

I think that’s true, but I think that’s only part of the reason.

Ladies, if you watch the Bachelor with a discerning eye, you will see that the Bachelor always ends up choosing women for the same reasons and also letting go of women for the same reasons.

Usually, the girls who talk about other girls get the boot. Who wants to be with a drama queen? Notice how Catherine and Lindsay have stayed mum about the other women. Always a good tactic.

Guys, when it comes to women, are almost always predictable. Ideally they would marry someone who is beautiful to them and who they can be silly, serious, and adventurous with.

So why do I believe Ashley got the boot? Here are my top four reasons:

1. Men want to feel like they are chasing you, that they are doing the pursuing.

Obviously with the Bachelor, it may seem like all the women are chasing one man, but you will notice in the private interactions that some women, like Catherine, still manage to keep him guessing. She lets him know she is interested, she tells him he’s a hunk, but at the end of the day, she isn’t quick to tell him she’s in love with him.

With Ashley, the “L” word came out way too quickly. She was fully taking on the man’s role, showering him with love, adoration and compliments. She gave him trust that wasn’t due him, yet. In one episode, she stood up and screamed to the world, “I love Sean!” Sound familiar? It’s kinda what Tom Cruise did when he jumped on Oprah’s couch and declared his love for Katie Holmes.

These kinds of actions are usually saved for the suitor, which should be the man. Men are flattered of course, but at the end of the day, they want to feel like they are winning a prize. The woman is the prize. When she makes him the prize, she doesn’t realize that she devalues herself in the process.

And if a woman is too accepting, it makes her look foolish, undiscerning. I mean, how long have you known this guy? You don’t even know his faults. Men will view you as naive and think you are wearing rose colored glasses. How can you really LOVE someone you don’t really know? You don’t really know someone unless you know their warts and all.

I do respect AshLee for being confident, open and self assured, but her attachment to Sean was premature. She put everything on the line too soon.

Some things that were said too soon:

“You were made for me.”

“I can’t imagine one day without you. I can’t imagine walking away and not having you as a partner for life.”

“I believe that together, we are whole.”

“I would make you the happiest”

This last one especially irks me. Desiree said it a lot too. Your job as a woman isn’t to make him the happiest, that’s only part of the equation. I like how Catherine always puts it, “We could make each other happy.” It’s not one person doing it, it’s a joint effort. Saying “I would make you the happiest” is again putting you in the role of pursuer. Honestly, a man would be happier knowing HE could make you the happiest, not YOU making him the happiest.

2. Men want someone who isn’t always serious. There HAS to be a cute, silly side.

Half of the time that AshLee was being filmed away from the interactions with the girls and Sean, she was in tears or on the verge of tears. You could hear her say, “This is a metaphor for this… this is a metaphor for that….”

I understand she has abandonment issues from being adopted. But in order for a man to feel like he’s marrying his best friend, their has to be that silly, playful, fun, funny, cute side. We never saw that in Ashlee. She was sweet, nice and beautiful, but you don’t get the sense that she was very playful…

If he let one rip around her, you get that sense that she would be utterly grossed out, mortified and it would be awkward. When you don’t let your goofy, geeky, funny, silly side out, a guy won’t be able to let loose and feel like he can be himself and let his hair down.

As she drives away in the limo, she says, “This wasn’t a game to me.” But what I want to tell her is that it’s okay to be serious about the process, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be silly in your interactions too. AshLee was tooooo intense.

3. Men don’t like the pressure of feeling like they are your whole world.

In her movie to Sean, she said some pretty intense stuff, stuff that makes guys feel the pressure. Stuff like, “I don’t feel complete without you.” Too soon, too much! Your entire relationship has been on camera and with 25 other women? You shouldn’t be that clingy YET.

4. Men don’t like demanding women.

Oh man, when she started rattling off about what kind of ring she wanted, I just wanted to jump in the tv and put duct tape on her mouth. For one, he hasn’t proposed. For two, that makes you look demanding.

Don’t get me wrong ladies, it’s good to know what you want, but if the guy is choosing to marry you, he gets to choose the ring. He might ask for your input, but I believe, THEN and only THEN should you voice your preferences. It shouldn’t be about the ring. The ring is a metaphor for a man telling you he wants to love you and provide for you and shelter you and be your family for the rest of your life. If you are too demanding about your ring, the man is going to feel like you care more about the ring than the actual meaning behind it.

If you don’t believe me, just think of it this way. The ring is a GIFT. How annoying would it be to be the recipient of a gift and be demanding. “I want this. I want this. I want that.” It is SURE to make the gift giver less willing to deliver.

What do you think ladies? And gentlemen? Do you agree? Disagree? I’d LOVE your feedback:)

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Article written by:

I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

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  1. Joanne

    Midori, you got it spot on! Although AshLee was my favorite (I hope she’s the next Bachelorette!), I could see why Sean let her go – he’s looking for a best friend. Throughout the show, he kept mentioning how he wants to marry his best friend, someone he can laugh with. It’s Catherine.

    I also like how you said actions like the “L” word are for the suitor. Keep him guessing and he’ll keep chasing. Drop the “L” bomb, and there’s no more mystery.

    • MidoriLei

      Joanne, my favorite is Catherine:) But AshLee was sooo super sweet, the most sincere, the most sure of what she wanted. I love that about her. I hope that she doesn’t get bitter after this. It was like she was bipolar– sooo intensely hot for him…. and then the ICE queen when she got the boot. That worries me a bit.

      I actually told Nate I loved him first! LOL. I don’t think it’s wrong for a woman to say she loves a guy first, as long as she is MOST DEFINITELY sure he’s on the same page– and there’s no way he can be on the same page if he is dating other women! Nate was like “I’m so glad you said it first! I’m so tired of saying ‘I care so much about you.'” lol. But yeah, there has to be a time where there is guessing and chasing otherwise it really is not fun for either parties, especially the guy.

  2. Emily

    So true, even though The Bachelor is one big production, the “dating” rules can be applied to us normal gals.

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