This show absolutely fascinates me. I am drawn to it because it exposes women and their vulnerabilities, their mistakes in the dating realm, and what it takes to keep a guy interested. Given it is a really unnatural way to meet a guy, and the roles are totally reversed, with the women seemingly “courting” the man instead of the other way around, I still believe there are some unalterable basic things that keep all men wanting more.
Below are principles the contestants have followed that have allowed them to continue getting roses as well as principles that contestants have failed to follow, thus promoting their early exodus.
He wants to feel like a hero. Men want to save, rescue, and do noble things. Men can never get enough of two things. One you already know: sex.
The other one is success. The former you need to hold out on. The latter, you should give freely. You do this by letting him feel needed. When a man feels needed by a woman, he feels successful.
Bevin set herself apart. Of course she didn’t purposefully hurt her ankle, but it did set her apart. Andy swoops in and rescues her. Because she is the damsel in distress, this puts him in the role of rescuer.
He’s really an analytical, logical thinker, but ultimately he’s still a guy. And guys are usually clueless about how strongly they feel about a girl at these beginning stages. They gauge their feelings based on how they feel around a girl.
What goes in a guy’s mind: I feel good around her, so I must like her. At this point because he’s met a need of hers. He’s associating her with the feeling of being successful.
I don’t know if Bevin knows what she’s ultimately doing, but she’s playing her cards really well. Not only does he act as hero of her physical ailment, but then he acts as hero of an emotional ailment. On the ski trip she feels left out, like she’s not going to be able to measure up to the other girls because she won’t be out on the slopes having fun like everyone else. He senses something’s wrong, and reassures her that she’s on the same playing field, even if she can’t go on the skiing dates.
Men like adventure because it promises an experience full of novelty and variety. Variety is the spice of life. That’s why men don’t commit when they only see one side of you. It’s not that they don’t like what they see, they just want to know that’s not all there is to you.
Because marriage is a permanent contract, they want to be with someone who’s multi-dimensional. They want to believe the process of getting to know you will be a great adventure full of surprises that will require a lifetime of commitment to you.
So although making him feel needed (successful) draws a man in, it’s not enough. It exposes your vulnerability, but you have to show the opposite side of you as well: the fun, kittenish, playful, seductive side.
When Bevin had a chance to be alone with Andy, she would make it a point to just relax, enjoy his company, and be unapologetically affectionate. She wasn’t afraid to cuddle, and she wasn’t afraid to pounce on him when he arrived in Seattle. Basically, she gave affection without inhibition.
Again, guys determine how they feel about a woman based on how they feel around a woman. When a woman makes it a point to let a guy know she feels comfortable enough around him to be free with affection, she’s telling him that she’s comfortable in her own skin. This kind of confidence is something men look for because although they want to feel needed, they don’t want to feel like a woman expects him to meet her need for worth and value.
They already see a woman’s worth and value. When you show that you don’t see your own worth, it’s like you’re telling him he has made an incorrect estimate of your value. Ultimately, men want to feel they can succeed in making a woman happy, and if he can tell that you esteem and value yourself, he doesn’t feel the pressure to give what he is unable to give: innate personal worth.
So with Bevin at this point, he feels successful that he can meet her needs and he feels secure that he can make her happy.