Dating Advice

Stop Looking (Instead, Wait For Serendipitous Happenstance)

stop looking

On the way home I realized that whenever a guy has come into my life it has been when I wasn’t expecting it, wasn’t looking, wasn’t feeling desperate, wasn’t trying hard to attract attention, wasn’t striving… but I wasn’t hiding either. I was just occupied with my day to day life! Here are the most memorable male “love-connections” in my history. (Get ready for some romantic comedy-esque encounters.)


I was walking home from school with my girl friends and I remember I was holding an umbrella because it was so hot. We passed these guys and they started making noise, like teasing one of the guys. Next thing I new, he ran up behind us girls and asked me, “Can I walk you home?”

I didn’t know who he was talking to, but I turned around and was met with the most tantalizing eyes gazing at me intently as if to say, “please don’t say no.” My friends and I called him Tantalizer the rest of the year. That day he carried all my books, my backpack and my umbrella and walked me home. So 1950’s courtship style. Love it!


I walked into Sabbath school (like Sunday school) and immediately noticed him. My roommate and I both thought he was hot… but then he sat down next to this really beautiful girl named Esther, one of our friends, and we were both like, “Dang, he’s taken.” (But they did make a cute couple.)

We played this game called “Telephone” where you say a phrase at the beginning and then each person whispers it to the next person. Then when the last person hears it, she says it out loud and you see if it was the original phrase. It was supposed to be a Bible verse.

Nathan was after Esther and when it got to the end of the line, the person looked confused and said, “Esther’s feet smell like trash?” When Esther heard this, she hit Nathan. I was like, “Wow, they act weird for a couple.”

Then when I got to the dorm, Esther came up to me and said, “Nathan was asking about you and was wondering if he could call you sometime.” I was like, “I thought you guys were dating!” “No, couldn’t you tell? He’s my twin brother!” Serendipity. He called me and came by to the dorm and made me laugh so hard with all his jokes. I was really smitten. Hot. Funny. And interested 🙂


It was during the first days of school and I walked into the boy’s dorm lobby. He was there and he said, “Do you go to school here?” I thought he was being rude, so I got defensive and was like, “Uhh, yeah?!” (What’s it to you?) Sometimes I can be a little naive.

We became friends. We constantly wrote notes in class. He basically had to spell it out that he was interested. He stayed with me even when I had to go overseas for a year. We wrote each other constantly. He always knew what to say, what to do.

Man, every guy needs lessons from him on how to treat a woman. He always did things just because he loved me – tape mixes, over 200 letters, journals, even a video recording telling me how he felt.

When we had a long distance relationship, he’d have pictures of me all over his wall and in his wallet so girls would know he was taken. He’d never put sports above me. I’d tell him to play ball but he’d stay by my side by choice. He’d tell his boys he was in check. This guy was un-be-lievable. Even now I think, what’d I do to deserve him?


I was at the gym. It was late, around 11pm and I had just finished babysitting. I didn’t look or feel my best and I figured no one would be at the gym that late anyways, so I went and hit the elliptical.

He was with a bunch of friends and I noticed they kept on looking my direction. I tried to ignore them… but then his friends started walking towards me. In my head I was like, “Are you kidding me? Please don’t talk to me. Please don’t talk to me. I look awful. I feel awful. I’m tired. I don’t feel like socializing!”

I wish headphones were a deterrent, but they weren’t. The boys said, “Excuse me,” and made gestures to try to get my attention. I pulled my headphones off and one of them said, “Sorry to bother you, but our friend over there (they pointed to him and he waved) was wondering if he could get your number.”

I couldn’t tell if I was attracted to him from that far away and I thought it was a real cop-out that he sent his friends over, so I just told them frankly, “If he wants it, he has to come ask for it himself.”

So they left, relayed the message and he came, kinda embarrassed, kinda shy-like with his shoulders kinda hunched over and looking down till he stood in front of my machine. When he looked up and asked me my name, I couldn’t believe how blue his eyes were.

I went from total composure to total insecure, nervous mess. He was dreamy and I was glad that I made him come over. I just wished that I wasn’t makeup less and a pool of sweat!


In college I lived in a co-ed dorm. I was the R.A (resident assistant) and he was a friend. Everything was platonic. We’d watch movies together. Sometimes we’d watch movies almost cuddling, but not really, I’d just be leaning on him.

So one night, I just sat between his legs and was just leaning on his chest (okay, this really doesn’t sound platonic huh? I’m naive I tell you!) I think he pulled my hair off my cheek and then it fell back and he used his nose to pull it back but I got his cheek against mine instead. So from somewhat watching the movie to totally aware that something more exciting was happening… let’s just say that after two in the morning, so-called platonic male/female friends should not be in compromising cuddling situations in the dark.


He was my business colleague and leader and my choir director. I was attracted to him the minute I saw him in a choir picture my friend had. Later, when I actually met him and became his friend, just like every other girl in the choir, I started liking him because he was this shy, talented, mysterious, spiritual guy.

I liked him for eight months and had pretty much given up any hope since he never made a move on me. Six weeks before I had to move out of the state, I was mad at him because of some client issue.

We were in the office and I was trying to fight with him. I was trying to argue my point… but he had a different composure. He was calm. He told me to have a seat and instead of talking to me from behind the desk, he pulled the chair so he was sitting right in front of me.

I was looking down and holding my fists together, and I was angry. And he started edging toward me and saying he appreciated me and was happy to have someone in his life who expected the best from him. And then he touched my hands.

They were clenched but they softened at his touch. I was still angry but then my mind was swimming with all kinds of other surprising and confusing thoughts. Emotionally I was highly charged with anger and then suddenly the total opposite of anger — warmth.

From one end of the spectrum to the other end — and my hands acknowledged the contradiction. From clenched fists, my hands softened because he was by this time holding them… and then I couldn’t take it because I wanted to still be angry. I didn’t want him to get off easy just because he touched me. So I got up urgently and excused myself to go to the bathroom.

When I got to the bathroom, I stared at the mirror, and I asked out loud to my reflection, “What the heck was that?” The expression on my face turned from shock/fear to delight. Big eyes, gaping mouth to smiling face. I put cold water on my face and walked back. The moment had passed. Our marketing director had arrived.


I worked at the English department at my university and the office had a clear glass wall and door. Every week, a few times out of the week, a guy passed by. He had shaggy dirty blond hair and this rugged surfer man/musician appeal. I didn’t know who he was and I didn’t ever remember meeting him, but every time he’d pass by, he’d wave as if we knew each other. I’d just wave back not wanting to be rude.

Later on I found out he was a guitarist and led out in music. When he passed by my office it was because he was getting out of practice next door. One day I went to the administration building to drop off some mail and he came in. What happened next I will never forget because no man has ever reacted that way in my presence.

When he walked in and saw me, he literally stopped in his tracks and took his time to just stare at me for a few seconds. I gave him that confused, ‘are you seriously going to be this obvious’ expression with a hint of, ‘but I’m intrigued by your forwardness’ in my smile. Finally he walked up closer with a knowing smile and a gaze like a hunter eying his prey and just said a lingering hello. I said hi and walked away.

In the following months this guy was persistent. Even after several “no’s” he still came back for more. He’d say things like, “Why don’t you just let me take you out once? You know you want me.”

I remember once when I was walking away, I could feel him staring at me so I turned around. Instead of being discreet or embarrassed, all he said was, “Yeah, I’m looking at you.” Dang, he made me feel sexy. I’ve never met a man so forward, so sure of himself. I was attracted to his confidence and his “not a care in the world” attitude.


During the Christmas break, I took on a seasonal job working at a rubbermaid factory. I was working for a little holiday cash. I didn’t expect to meet a guy there! I noticed Matt, he was the tall, brown-haired young maintenance guy who looked like a young baseball player in the wrong uniform.

He came up to me in my assembly line and tried to help out. He introduced himself and asked my name. When I found out his name was Matt, I told him, “That’s a terrible name to have.” (because of my friends with benefits experience with Matt1). He smiled, as if he were thinking, “I’m not that guy. I’ll prove it to you.”

Every time I was working, he’d come and visit me often and help me with my line. We’d talk during breaks. He was the youngest of the maintenance guys and because he was always spending time with me, the big boss man started getting on his case, warning him that he would get fired if he kept talking to me.

So we started hanging out outside of work. He was my new year’s kiss. He was a country boy at heart. He made me love country music and took me mudding at midnight with his jeep, and cruising around town during the day on his motorcycle.

He slow danced with me in his house and we’d play basketball in the park — the kind you play with someone you like when there’s pleasant consequences to a missed shot 🙂 Sweet guy for sure.

Serendipitous Happenstance

The point is that each of these instances came as a pleasant surprise. So stop looking. Start living. Stop hiding. Start socializing. Maybe love isn’t a romantic comedy, but the meeting can be a serendipitous happenstance.

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Join the discussion

  1. steph

    You know…this so happened with my now boyfriend too…I went to college with him, and then I transfered away…we ere just friends in college….and then I didn’t see him for like 5 years…in november 07 i get a facebook message, saying he was in the area, and I messaged back..he didn’t get the message, but the next day we walked into my workplace, and we started talking alot….about 2 weeks after that…..he became my boyfriend…and now thigns are crazy

  2. vegetarianqt

    that’s awesome Steph! surprises are at every corner, especially when you aren’t looking:)

  3. Leticia stras

    I pray this happens to me!

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    Reading the first sentences of this post reminded me of this quote that i saw on another post of yours.. “If you run, he will follow. If you follow, he will run”. =)

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