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Should You Lose Weight for a Guy? (And Some Advice to Guys at the End…)

August 2nd, 2008 by MidoriLei

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The obvious answer is “HELL NO!” right?

I wish things were that simple. The simple giveaway answer is, No, do it for yourself if you know you need to in order to be fit and healthy. If you know you’re not comfortable, much less confident in your skin, then yes, do something about it. But don’t do it for a guy.

This is such a touchy subject for us females. When a man goes anywhere near it, they’d probably be better off if they just started digging their own grave. So I’m glad I’m a woman, and not a man, writing this very taboo subject. Still, I may have some opposition. It’s all good. Thank God for freedom of speech.

Now tell me, what’s wrong with doing it for a guy? I pose this question because I’m really trying to live my life in such a way where I ask myself, “What is the most loving thing I can do in this situation?” Instead of the automatic selfish question, “What do I want? How will this benefit me?”

And when it comes to weight and being fit, I know that the majority of men appreciate a good physique. I will never deny that men are visual creatures. If I didn’t care about what men thought, I’d probably do the selfish thing and not care so much. Lay around the house more. Give up a disciplined fitness regimen. Or as one friend once told me, “If men didn’t exist, we’d be a bunch of fat, happy, hairy women.” Laughable? Last time I checked I’ve never equated being fat or hairy with being happy. Then again, I’ve never lived in a world where men didn’t exist. (thank God!)

If you’re single, thank goodness men don’t think of only one type of body as beautiful. Still, the important thing is that you should only expect him to love what you love. So if you love your body, then great! He has the chance to love it too. And like a previous post I wrote, you can only expect what you’re able to offer. So if you’re overweight, unless you also want to be with a man who’s overweight, then you do have to change. If you don’t mind a guy who’s overweight or actually prefer it, you’re good to go, as long as you are confident about your body. I never promote striving for perfection. We’re human and we’re flawed. The key is that we want to offer the best of ourselves to the people we love because we hope they want to offer the best of themselves to us in return.

I’ve struggled with this idea that men care so much about how women look. I’ve struggled with it because I don’t want to just be appreciated for my body, because my brain is who I am. I am not just a face or a body to look at. But I’ve come to stop resenting men for being visual creatures. We all appreciate what’s beautiful, we kind of need it. Just notice how you feel when you’re around beauty offered by nature. Or when you see a stunning painting or a striking sunset. You’re a happier person for having encountered that beauty. The thing is, society tries to tell men what beautiful looks like, so I can’t resent men. I believe every woman possesses a kind of beauty that some man out there needs. And yes, we may want to be appreciated for what our minds have to offer and not just our bodies, but it’s the physical that gets noticed first. It’s what captures their attention enough to want to get to know who it is behind that face and that body. The meeting of eyes happens before the meeting of minds.

Here’s a thought for married people. ( being the traditionalist that I am in dating, this scenario would only apply to married folks) If we as women are first and foremost turned on by the emotional, and men are first and foremost turned on by the physical (visually speaking), what would it look like if we didn’t care about what turns each other on (or were unaware)?

Well, first men probably wouldn’t bother listening to us. or saying sweet things. or sharing their feelings. Or opening up. If they didn’t care about our needs (or were unaware), they’d probably speak to us a lot less and spend more time doing thier hobbies, hanging out with their friends and playing with their toys (car, tools, guns, videogames etc.) And yet, they’d probably still expect us to have sex with them, just because for them the visual really is enough to turn them on and they assumes it’s the same for us.

Now let’s turn the tables. The opposite is true if a woman stops caring about what turns on her husband or at least is unaware that his needs are different. She’ll put less attention on her appearance because she’s comfortable. She’ll put aside exercise by rationalizing that she’s just too busy these days. She’ll be there for him emotionally because that’s what she needs most from him. She thinks that must also be what he needs most from her too. Time passes and she’s more inhibited in the bedroom. Then when the point comes when she feels too uncomfortable in her body to keep the lights on during sex, she’ll still expect him to be turned on just because for her the emotional really is enough to turn her on and she assumes it’s the same for him.

You need to be heard, communicated with. Desired.
He needs to desire you. He needs to see you naked. He needs for you to like him looking at you naked.

If he stops making an effort emotionally, you start thinking he doesn’t care about your needs. The same is true for him. If you stop making an effort physically, he starts thinking you don’t care about his needs.

Men will always be bombarded with images of scantily clad women in the media. With the Internet, porn is everywhere. We can help divert their eyes if we offer the best that we can offer of ourselves, and we offer it confidently and freely. Have you ever thought that you could help your husband in his battle for purity and loyalty towards you in this way? Isn’t that one way to put your love in action? Think about it. One thing with a woman providing sexual favors for money is that they’re always ready and willing and confident.

I guess the most important thing is that you have to at least be okay with what you look like naked, if not love it, and do everything you can naturally to get to that place. It’s a win win when you think about your own happiness and loving yourself and you also think about your partner’s happiness and his needs.

So whether you’re single or married, think about this point that Sunny Weston makes from the book The Perfect Fit. Who says you can’t learn from fiction?!

Do it or don’t do it. Decide what makes you happy. If being fat depresses you, change it. It’s up to you…But you can’t resent thin. It’s just a version of beauty that preoccupies us right now. From the cavemen on, there have been those who were deemed beautiful, and those who weren’t. The characteristics may have changed, but there will always be a beauty ideal. You can’t fight it, even if you don’t fit it. But you can’t let that jeopardize the life that you deserve… It’s not about being perfect: there will always be somebody prettier, or thinner, than I am. It’s about being the best that I can be. And it wasn’t the weight that I lost, but the effort that it took to lose it, that really earned back my confidence.

And for those gentlemen who are reading this, the role you play is to do your best to love us unconditionally. Your appreciation, your desire, your present belief that we’re beautiful even as we are in our current state– and all these things verbalized will do more than any nagging, any guilt trips or any plans to withdraw or make us feel jealous. Remember, like a flower, women bloom with care and attention and time. Here’s a quote from A Perfect Fit for you guys:

Maybe the reason some people turn to whiskey and some people to food is because they need something to numb the pain if they don’t feel loved, because they feel worthless… So love is the cushion that stops us from needing food and alcohol. Those things blur the edges, eases the pain.

Your love is that powerful. We think we’re trying to feed our bodies but it’s our souls that are starved. Your love feeds our souls.

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34 Responses to “Should You Lose Weight for a Guy? (And Some Advice to Guys at the End…)”

  1. Lydia Says:

    This is really really really good. I love it.

  2. vegetarianqt Says:

    Thank you Lydia! Praise God:)

  3. bilinda Says:

    wow, it’s like this was sent from GOD…. It is almost midnight and I just came downstairs crying due to a fight with my partner about my body. I myself am overwhelmed by the thought of trying to be perfect (which is what I really would like, who wouldn’t) I was so pissed at him until I read your article. I totally agree with all you wrote and I thank you for taking the time to share such honesty. I hope this midnight hour will be a new beginning for me. I will have to share with him the part about women being like a flower. Negative Comments do not help.

    Thanks again

  4. MidoriLei Says:

    Wow Bilinda, it’s comments like yours that continually give me motivation to keep writing. Praise God. I’m here if you need any personal advice regarding your concern.

  5. Gabe Says:

    So love it, thank you so much for writing this. Thank you for your dedication here, you are a great person to know, truly great!

  6. Midorilei Says:

    Thank you Gabe! I value your friendship and you are a great person to know as well! Can’t WAIT for your blog!!!!

  7. Anonymous Says:

    Wow! What an insightful post! Sensitive yet real. I think that we should not be pressured to look good just because our partner wants us to. We should lose weight because we love ourselves and we want to have a healthy option in life.

    Great post! Thanks for the enlightenment.

  8. Anonymous Says:

    Love yourself and everything else will follow. It all starts with how you view yourself and everything will fall into place. Losing weight is something that we should do because we value our health and our lives in general. This is not something that we do to please others.

    This is really touching and profound!

    I hope everybody with the same ordeal gets to read this and feel really better afterwards.

    Make a change and do it for yourself!

    Thanks a lot! Life-saver!

  9. For Women: The ONLY Difference between a Chubby Girl and a Sexy Girl Says:

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  11. jules Says:

    I have a problem and seeking advice from you all!! I have reconnected with a buy I knew in high school, which was 30 years ago. We have been texting for about 3 weeks now… sounds silly I know, but so much fun :) I am really over weight and have been working out every day and dieting since 2 weeks before we reconnected, so this began as for myself. However, he now wants to meet me and I am scared to tell him that I really want to wait for the 5-6 months it is going to take for me to be at the point that I want him to see me for the first time… I have got to tell him, but am afraid he will just say forget it! We have really had some intense talk on the texting… so weird to actually feel something for someone on text message… but we both do. Any suggestions are WELCOME! You guys out there… would you wait if you felt you met the almost perfect person? EVerything in common, great mix of personality, etc… ??? Help me !!!!

  12. MidoriLei Says:

    jules, that is a tough one… as he is probably expecting the girl he knew in highschool, just older….

    I reconnected with my highschool sweetheart and was so SCARED to DEATH when we met again at the airport after not seeing each other for 12 years!!! I had my weight insecurities- even though I had only gained about 10lbs since high school… I had that feeling of wanting to wait until i was at my “ideal” weight before I wanted to see him…

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to wait 5-6 months to look your best…. but isn’t there a part of you deep down who wishes he could see the you right now, see the potential right now, and love you unconditionally? It is a HUGE risk I know… but isn’t there a part of you who hopes that he could truly fall in love with your inner beauty and give you grace as you progress toward your weight goal?

    Maybe in the back of your mind after you have lost the weight… you may always think and wonder, “would he have wanted to continue this thing if he had met me at my heavier weight?”

    It’s a hard one… one that I would struggle with too… If you are a believer, I would definitely pray about it and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you and to also protect Your heart regardless of the outcome when you meet face to face.

    Maybe you can start by asking each other over text, “What do you look like now?” So that there is honestly and already a different expectation when you do meet.

  13. Jeremy Says:

    Great site. Thanks for the post.

  14. Aplus Says:

    Thanks you made me see things in a differant light now.

  15. Mora Puent Says:

    I must say i can’t comprehend individuals who believe they could slim down with diets & pills. Come on , man, come on!!! Its not nuclear physics now, is it? Intake less calories than you burn and you will probably shed pounds – yes, its that easy!!!

  16. Random Guy Says:

    Women wants to be appreciated for their minds and not just for their bodies. Well, having a fit and slender body demonstrates a STRONG mind. Why? Because it takes discipline to exercise, to eat the healthy foods and to not allow your body to get totally out of shape. All stems from thinking properly regarding diet and exercise and health. If you can’t control the food that you put in your mouth how can you control the thoughts that fly through your mind? And weakness of mind affects all other areas of your life, emotional, spritual, financial, social. Just like a guy would judge another man as “weak” if he’s got a beer gut or skinny arms, he would assume he is also weak of mind. Of course you can’t select partners who are totally in a different level than you, either in mind or body. You basically can attract somebody similiar to you. Who wants to be the dumber or out of shaper person in the relationship? Who wants a partner who is WAY below them? Why would you tolerate a lower standard for your partner if you won’t tolerate that standard for yourself

  17. Anonymous Says:

    Good post! =)

  18. scott Says:

    There is no such a thing as unconditional love except for your child. If your man were to decide he did not like working hard after you met him and had fallen in love with this hard working man, who then decided he would be happy living in the hood and working at Burger King, you’d dump him as lazy! His being disgusted with your looks is no different then if he were to take up a new habit that disgusted you and turned you off, like say, smoking. What if he was a clean cut guy who after some years decided tattoos were awesome? Would there be unconditional love on your part when he gets a face tattoo like Mike Tyson? Be real!

  19. MidoriLei Says:

    scott, I disagree. If my husband decided to work at burger king and give up his great job, I would be disappointed but I would let him live his life! You are at your job 40 hours a week or more, so it’s important that you love what you do. If he honestly enjoyed working at burger king, who am I to stop him? I wouldn’t want him keeping me from the career I wanted. I believe in unconditional love, but conditional desire. I wrote a post about it here:

    http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/unconditional-love-conditional-desire_1219/

    smoking would turn me off, but I wouldn’t stop loving him. I’d desire him less but I wouldn’t leave him. I don’t like tatoos, but if that’s what my husband wanted, and even wanted a face tatoo, I would stay with him. It just wouldn’t be attractive. The only deal breaker is adultery or abuse. In that case, I’d still love him, but I’d have to leave the situation to protect myself. Adultery makes our vows null and abuse puts me in danger.

    so, point is: I do believe in unconditional love.

  20. Anonymous Says:

    Very good post! Thumbs up!

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  23. sansfrontieres Says:

    i lost loads of weight for a girl – around 6 stone. I also got very fit and ended up with a half decent athletic body. she still didn’t love me, but I got very fit and ended up with a half decent athletic body, so every cloud has a silver lining.

  24. jerome Says:

    the most stupid article, you want to live your life so live it but if you want to keep a bf or husband you gonna wanna keep your weight controlled because if he starts looking at another girl or date another girl don’t complaint again why is he going for another girl, you women are bunch of idiots always complaining.

  25. MidoriLei Says:

    jerome, you didn’t even read the article.

  26. Ann Y Moss Says:

    Look, I’m 51 years old. I can’t and WON’T try to compete with 20-somethings on internet porn sites. If a man has to have porn in their lives, I say that’s a man not worth wasting time with. Better to find a fellow who loves you AS YOU ARE!

  27. MidoriLei Says:

    Ann Y Moss,

    I’m definitely not suggesting you try to compete with 20-somethings on internet porn sites. I agree with you that if a man has to have porn in his life, he’s not a man worth wasting time with. It’s important to find a guy who loves you as you are. The important thing is that you love yourself as you are as well, and if you don’t, that you’re making changes to get to that healthy, happy place.

    My point in this article to that a woman should only expect a man to love her as she is if she is able to do the same.

  28. Miss Insecure Says:

    Wow, when I looked this subject up I expected everything to say “HECK NO, DON’T DO IT, HE IS OBVIOUSLY A JERK AND DOESN’T DESERVE YOU, YOU CAN DO BETTER…BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!” …but then I find this mature, sensitive, yet honest and straight forward piece of advice – THANK YOU!!!!!! Just this morning, I had a discussion with my new boyfriend about my body issues. I was a female jock back in high school (15 years ago) – basketball, volleyball, track, soccer, weight training, you name it, I did it and love it! That’s without mentioning clubbing and dancing all night at least 4 days a week – no smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no sex – healthy and careful as can be. I kept in awesome shape for many years even after high school. I was a normal, healthy weight, average size girl and took pride in my body. Of course, at that age I felt huge, but that was obviously a misconception as a teenager surrounded by anorexic females. I worked out so much and looked awesome, not a six-pack abdominal type of girl, but looked healthy, fit and natural. Years went by and working at a desk 8-5, not going out and stress caused me to begin gaining weight, I didn’t know how to stop it. All of a sudden I found myself about 100 lbs overweight and caused my self-esteem to spiral down out of control. A couple of years ago I was able to lose about 50 lbs and felt great, but it was for my brother’s wedding and the stupid strapless dress I had to wear (will never forgive my sister in law for doing that to me – lol!) Anyway, I lost the weight and begin gaining it again a few months later. At this point in my life I’m stuck at a job which I hate and my self-esteem is on the floor. In my relationship my new boyfriend can tell I’m very insecure and he has noticed how my weight affects all areas in my life (including our sex life). The truth is that being overweight affects EVERYTHING in my life, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Some people don’t see it that way and I hate it when when people tell me to “accept myself the way I am”. I am NOT going to accept myself the way I am right now because this is NOT me, this is NOT who I want to be and this makes me feel HORRIBLE! Why would I accept my low self-esteem, emotionally drained, pissed at the world self? I have settled and have gotten lazy about my body and my life (job, relationships, friendships, etc.) To get back on the subject, my boyfriend is a pretty straight forward person and we discussed the subject, he is real and I know I need to get my ass up and begin exercising to look better, to feel better and be healthy. No, I will not be a 130 lb-17 yr female again and I will NEVER aim for that, but I knew what I needed to do waaaaay before I met him. Instead of taking offense on what he said, today I decided to do something about it and use it as an incentive. It’s not something I haven’t tried before or contemplate every single day of my life. I have been trying and stop, and as I said before, maybe this is the “push” I need to finally do something about it. This is not just for him; I am doing it for many reasons and on the long run it benefits me more than anyone else. Women are emotionally driven and man are visually driven, maybe we need to think a little more like men sometimes or at least view both sides of the coin.

  29. MidoriLei Says:

    Miss Insecure,

    I’m struggling with my weight too as of late. Job stress has a lot to do with it as well. Our lives really do change after high school, and for so many people, it does mean more stress + less movement:( Thank you for sharing your story. I highly recommend any books by Geneen Roth and also this book. Good luck! I know your struggles, believe me. I’m right there with you.

    Midori

  30. Miss Insecure Says:

    Thank you Midori, I will definitely take a look.

  31. Belinda Says:

    I guess I am screwed then. I take care of myself, but I am just so plain. If guys can’t possibly try to look for a girl based on her actions and personality first and foremost, then I am going to be lonely for a long time. I put myself out there, I try, but I just don’t have any importance to men because I don’t turn them on, or fulfill their “needs” I guess.

  32. MidoriLei Says:

    Belinda,

    Honey, don’t be discouraged. If you take care of yourself, that’s what matters. What you may see as “plain,” some man is going to see as naturally simple and beautiful. I know because my brother is that way. He doesn’t like women with makeup, and he has actually told me that he likes “plain Janes.” I think that the problem herein lies in your belief of what is beautiful. I hope that one day you can look in the mirror and see, “I may not be beautiful like _______, but I’m beautiful like me.” You can’t expect men to change their DNA, they will always first and foremost see the outside before they can judge the inside of a person. That is just human nature. If you feel like you don’t have any importance to men because you don’t turn them on physically, and are open to making natural changes to your appearance, feel free to email me a picture and I can help you make the most of your appearance naturally. I also am skilled in makeup artistry, beauty and fashion. I’d love to help.

    If you find that you don’t have importance to men because of your body’s shape or size, are you healthy? Are you happy with your body and shape? If the answer to those questions is both yes, then you don’t need to change your body.

    Outside appearance is not everything, and internal beauty is more important, but a man has to get past the outside appearance to want to look deeper. The truth is, for the majority of men, looks will always come first over actions and personality. That’s just the reality of it, and we as women want to be beautiful so it usually works hand in hand. Do you see yourself as beautiful in your own way? Do you care to be physically beautiful? I’d love to know more.

    Here to help,

    Midori

  33. Yelena Says:

    Wow, MidoriLei,

    You are very wise. Praise The Lord for the advice and encouragement God gives you the desire to give. May The Lord bless you and guide all the women struggling weight and self esteem.

  34. MidoriLei Says:

    Yelena,

    Thank you so much. Praise God! I being one of those women.

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