Back in college I joined a financial business where I was taught the art of ‘rapport.’ Little did I know that this information actually would serve me well, not just in business, but also in my personal life. I’ve used this every time I meet someone new, when I’m getting to know someone over the phone or on the internet… and I know it works well on first dates.
There’s nothing like an uncomfortable silence to make a date feel more like an interview than a date. (To avoid this, choose an activity where you’re not required to talk the entire time. Read about it here.)
On the best dates, both parties see their role as a “host/hostess” as opposed to a “guest.” The host/hostess keeps the conversations flowing, while the guest sits back and waits to be entertained. If both parties act as either the “host/hostess” they both carry the burden of keeping the date interesting and lively.
Now gentlemen, unfortunately, some women go into dates expecting to the be the “guest.” You end up asking all the questions, and they answer but don’t ask questions in return. Sad, I know.
But, oh well.
Regardless, you can show that you’re an interesting, interested individual. Keep this acronym in mind when you go on any date:
FORM
F Family and Friends
O Occupation
R Recreation
M Motivation
In order to act as a great “host,” you want to “FORM” every person you date.
This basically means asking questions about these topics, typically in this order.
Every woman likes to talk about her close circle of friends and family. If she has kids, I’m sure talking about them will get the ball rolling. Talking about friends and family will make her feel more at ease because these are people she loves and a topic she is very familiar with. Here are some suggestions:
Family and Friends:
Do you have any kids?
Did you know you wanted to be a mother?
Do you have any siblings?
How is it being an only child/only girl/only boy/having a lot of sisters/brothers?
Who are you closest to? Why her/him?
Where did you grow up?
Did you like growing up in the city/country?
Do your parents still live there?
Which parent are you more like? How?
What was it like growing up in your family?
Where did you meet your roommate?
Do you keep in touch with any childhood/college friends?
Occupation
What kind of work do you do?
What do you like about your job?
What’s the most challenging thing about your job?
Do you like your boss/coworkers?
Is this your dream job and if not, what is?
Why did you choose this profession?
or How did you fall into this career?
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? What made it the worst?
Recreation
What do you like to do for fun?
What would you do if you had the whole day to yourself?
How do you like to unwind after a long day?
What’s your favorite cuisine?
What’s your favorite dish?
Do you like to play any sports?
How did you get into that sport?
Do you play any instruments?
What kind of music do you like?
Have you ever been to the opera/ballet/a musical/live concert/sporting event?
Which ones have you seen? Did you like it?
Is there any place in the world you’re dying to visit? Why there?
Do you prefer large crowds or intimate gatherings?
The reason why it’s important to talk about family, occupation and recreation before motivation is because motivation delves into deep issues that people aren’t always willing to share up front. Sometimes they don’t know their underlying motivations for why they do things so they may not be able to answer your question right away or at all during the date.
On the other hand, most people have family and friends, a job and things they do for fun. The great thing about the motivation questions is that you’ll find out the most about what makes her feel satisfied and what gives her life meaning.
Motivation
Aside from work and leisure, what are you passionate about?
How did you get into that?
If you didn’t have to work, what would you do with all your time?
(if they don’t have an answer to that:) As a child what did you want to be when you grew up?
Looking back on your life and even in your current situation, when were you the happiest? Why then? (or why now?)
Also remember that after you ask a question, even if your date doesn’t ask the question back, you can, and probably should share your input as well. For example, when you ask her her favorite cuisine and she says,
“Mexican, because I grew up in Texas where they have the best Tex-Mex cuisine and I love steak fajitas,”
You can add, “Yeah, I’ve had some great Tex-Mex steak fajitas! At Don Pablos in Dallas. My favorite cuisine is probably Thai because I love spicy Asian dishes with a sweet taste. I could live off of Pad Thai.”
If she’s never had Pad Thai before she’ll probably ask what it is, and the conversation will just keep flowing!
So remember, FORM is mastering the art of conversational FLOW!
Yes women love talking about themselves and like learning about the guys history/interests in moderation, unfortunately they are not very keen on asking a lot of questions. I have found that the man must ask interesting questions and then let the women respond to them. Guys, do not expect for the women to lead the conversation in Q&A, I agree completely that one should ask questions and then respond to their own question with information about themselves. This is a great way to learn about the other person and let them know a little about you. Just remember, giving a good first date impression is not just about asking the right questions/saying the right things, it,s also about having a good physical demeanor. Make the other person feel comfortable around you by: making eye contact when you are talking to them, remembering to smile when the overall mood is light, making sure that they see your hands at all times, this is important (don’t ask me why) and always remember to move around a little, don,t fidget but shift your body around so the other person can get a better overall feel of your intentions. Such as: when the conversation becomes interesting/serious leaning in with your elbows propped on the table and your hands/hand on your chin will let the other person know that they have your utmost attention. If you take these tips to heart and put them into action when on a date, you can do no wrong. Oh and guys, please remember to tip well, this will show the girl that you are not stingy with your money : )
It almost seems as if a good and healthy woman, can babble all night right after saying hi to her date. But, that kind of woman is far and few.(because most are married)…..Firstly, I think men have to keep in mind, on the first 3 dates, the anxiety level is very high for both men and women, that in itself can be emotionally paralyzing, if one is not aware of it!……….This is also built in to a woman’s highly evolved “defense mechanism” she knows she will not date a man 3 times if she doesn’t like him. To add, , keep in mind, that most women warm up to a man in 3 dates!…..
Based on my experience it’s not a good idea to start with too personal questions like how many kids you have etc. Start easy and slowly build your way into more personal subjects. Establish trust in the first place.
Actually, Adam, I’ll have to disagree. I think that the earlier you start the open communication, the better. I think it starts the relationship in the right foot when both parties feel like no subject is off limits and they create an environment where it is safe to be honest and open. I think that it’s because as humans we crave intimacy and have a desire to be fully known. Why not start it out in that direction?
Adam may be right. Some women like to be interogated, when we first meet some don’t. It has been my experience, women that are constantly approached, don’t like to say what they do for a living, in the first conversation.
thats some great advice there
i really enjoyed, thank you!
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