Dating Advice

Prerequisites To Dating

Most people may not agree with this, but before a person hits the dating scene in search of a person to love, they should truly love themselves. This may sound a bit too Oprah or Dr.Phil, but hear me out:

So many people struggle with low self-esteem and are out there in the dating world trying to get someone’s attention to prove their worth as a person. Perhaps they’re looking for potential partners at bars, or filling out applications on online dating websites. They aren’t so much looking for someone to love, but someone to love them and validate them as a person, someone to tell them they are valuable, special, beautiful, manly, or cool. You don’t want to date one of these people because these people, because of their insecurity, are often:

  • Possessive: Subconsciously they feel they are not worthy and that they risk losing you to anyone that comes along.
  • Get Jealous easily: Because they don’t find value within themselves they see other’s good traits but only notice their own flaws and are likely to think that you’ll notice the world with the same eyes and leave them.
  • Needy: They found you and they think you will fulfill them and make them a whole person so they cling to you and make you feel suffocated.
  • Not authentic: Since they don’t like themselves, in your presence they may try to change to be the person they think you want them to be, so really you may be falling for someone who isn’t being themselves. (Their true selves will eventually come out and it may not be what you want)
    Itching for compliments (girls), always wanting reassurance (guys):Who wants to hang out with people like that?
  • Lacking confrontation skills: Confrontation skills allows you to be open in a relationship when there are things that bother you. If a person has low self-esteem, they often are ‘people pleasers,’ always trying to avoid conflict for the sake of peace. Often in relationships with these kinds of people, issues get pushed under the rug and pile up.
  • Still receptive to other people’s flirtation or flattery: What I mean is, you may be dating this person, but if someone else were to hit on them, they probably will still go along with it because in the end, they just want to be validated and if you like them, that’s nice, but if others like them, in their minds that proves they are even more valuable.

You don’t want to date any or all of the above, kapeesh? If you don’t want to date anyone with those characteristics, I’m pretty sure you probably wouldn’t want to be a person with those characteristics either, right? Then step back, go through the list again, and honestly ask yourself if you have any of those characteristics. If you do, you may need to step back from the dating scene and really do some self-evaluation, read a few good books, and figure out what stuff about yourself makes you question your worth, what stuff about your self, your past, your family upbringing, your body, your brain…. makes you embarassed or feel shameful. It can be a really tough journey to take, but in the end we owe it to ourselves and to others to present a whole, valuable person to the dating world.

Still unsure about whether or not to take this journey? Here are two more characteristics about the insecure person struggling with self-esteem and self-acceptance:

  • People cannot give what they don’t possess. If they don’t possess love, they cannot truly give love to another person.
  • When a person thinks they are a person of little worth or they are insecure, they won’t aim for the highest standard in the people they date. If you don’t think you are a worthy person, naturally you’ll also settle for less than worthy people. That’s why so many people allow themselves to date jerks, gold diggers, unfaithful people, abusers, or just people who don’t line up with their values.

I’m sure you don’t want to be short-changed in the love department (#1.) I’m sure you want to have a high standard in the people you date(#2.)

Self-help books have a bad rap so let’s just call them Personal Development books. Check out your nearest library or bookstore and remember: in the world of dating, Self Esteem 101 must be a prerequisite to a fulfilling journey with members of the opposite sex!

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Join the discussion

  1. K Richter

    You are a very smart person!

  2. hunter

    I was told, a good chunk of the population(over 60%) in the U.S., has low self esteem/insecurity, issues, and the worst part, is that, most never get taken care of. So, that narrows our dating pool considerably. hhmmmhh….

  3. MidoriLei

    I guess it’s a human thing to struggle with all these issues– and a lifetime endeavor. The point is for people to be mindful/aware and start working on them soon so they can change for the better– going in the right direction is better than being stagnant.

  4. Danielle

    Well said, finally a good report on this stuff

  5. asdf

    So true! What pisses me is I’m one of those persons you describe, I don’t even try to date anymore it would be unfair. If you seek love you must first love yourself….sigh

  6. MidoriLei

    Don’t give up on dating though. I have to say, dating the right kind of people can be a great confidence booster and help you in learning to love yourself more! Allowing yourself to be loved is another way to love yourself.

  7. asdf

    Thanks for the support MidoriLei. But thats not the case, not giving up, never giving up. I just don’t want to get into a relationship without handling my own issues. I would fall into all of the mistakes in the article and it wouldn’t be fruitful anyway.

  8. Jay

    I wish I had found this earlier.
    This is so true, I just got out of a relationship and I found myself showing this behavior. Not all of it, but about half of these characteristics. I knew I had insecurity issues.
    Oh, and also, thank you, the last point helped me get over my ex. I thought I didn’t deserve any better than her, but now I am convinced that I definitely do.

  9. MidoriLei

    You’re welcome Jay! Glad I could help.

  10. Anonymous

    This is so true.. we have singles who wish to attend workshops to learn how to “do better” at dating events.. think this could be a very critical self assessment process for them before they attend dating events.

  11. Anonymous

    This really makes sense.. i’m definitely gonna share this with my guy friends who are on the lookout for a partner..

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