fears

Love= Sacrificing Novelty????


(picture by Rockstar Diaries)

On my way to work this morning, I thought about why I tend to run away from men. (One of the benefits of my cd player being stolen: I have 1 hour everyday to just think)

I don’t know if other people do this…

This sort of “self sabotage” of relationships. Like Tibby in The Sisterhood of Traveling Parts 2— (yes, I’m guilty of loving even teenage chick flicks)

She says:

The problem is every time I try to get close to somebody it’s like there’s something out there that just says ‘Oh Tibby’s about to be happy, better get her.’

I think that “something out there” is really something in me.

And it begins and ends with fears.

I’m a change addict.

If it’s new to me, I’m in love.

So this morning, I started to understand why I’m so hesitant to get close to a guy.

Getting close can lead to love.

Love is the opposite of new.

It’s security.

It’s comfort.

It’s familiarity.

And they say, familiarity breeds contempt.

I want love…

but love involves sacrificing novelty

and sacrificing novelty

paves the way to familiarity…

and then familiarity breeds contempt????

So does:

Love-novelty= familiarity

familiarity + time= contempt

Does Love always bring contempt?

Last night my highschool sweetheart (who I haven’t seen in TWELVE years!) and I were talking about this reality—

The people we say we love the most, are the people who get to see the worst of us– the most often.

Strangers, bosses, coworkers, acquaintances.

They see our best selves.

Then we come home and give the “people we love” our leftovers.

Or nothing at all.

They get ignored.

Taken forgranted.

We know they will always love us, so why try?

So I guess I’m afraid of two things.

The first fear is the fear of being taken forgranted and no longer appreciated just because I’m in someone’s life past the point of the exciting chase, the making-them-work-for-me phase, the novel infatuation…

The second fear is a reality:

Once you’re in love for keeps, you’ll never be able to experience that exciting beginning of a relationship…

the heart’s-a-flutter phase.

the butterlies-in-the-stomach phase.

the weak in the knees,

can’t wipe this smile off my face phase.

Could our ideas of what’s desirable in relationships be affected by a media that places a greater value on the beginnings of relationships and not on enduring love because they usually only portray new relationships in movies?

and on tv once the exciting beginning is over… only the unraveling of relationships that stand the test of time? If a relationship on the small screen is past that exciting phase… the viewers get bored. So someone has to cheat on someone, everybody’s sleeping around.

Maybe this is why so many people fell in love with The Notebook.

Because maybe deep down in all of us, we’re not happy with where most romantic comedies leave off–right at the start of a relationship.

In The Notebook, we see love that survives to the very end.

Still, I want my butterflies and weak knees.

I want to live on cloud 9 forever.

But love isn’t on cloud 9.

The question that begs for an answer; I guess, is this:

Is love worth sacrificing novelty?

Are the returns worth it?

The Rockstar Diaries makes me think so….

(Check them out! They write the cutest couple blog online!)

My former boss gave me this piece of advice:

Do new things together. Do new things on your own. You don’t have to forgo novelty altogether. Do that, and then let him be the rock in your life that doesn’t change.

What we crave isn’t butterflies with new people. Love is worth sacrificing that because it’s a fact of life:

Every one of us has eternity set in our hearts– or the longing for something that lasts forever.

That’s why death, although a very real and constant presence in life, always goes hand in hand with sorrow.

We never get used to seeing people dying.

And love, it’s that one thing (besides faith and hope) that shows evidence of something that can last forever.

Did your heart not melt when Adam Sandler sang “Grow Old with You” in the Wedding Singer?

Grow Old with You

I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I’ll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you’ve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

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Article written by:

I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

Join the discussion

  1. Lydia

    I think you really said it, Midori. I can relate to this. How do we get ourselves to let go of that idea that novelty ends with love?

  2. MidoriLei

    rewrite the romantic comedy script in our minds… in favor of love that endures… instead of love that begins?

  3. Nathan

    When you’re with in an authentic relationship, there’s absolutely no reason why your life should suddenly become stale and routine. I imagine there is more of a tendency for that to happen when you’re just by yourself. A partnership of two people means that there’s more chance that one of you will be inspired to do something new or explore a path not taken, and then you share that together.

    Sure there are going to be sacrifices you make for the one you care about. Because you want to. But novelty isn’t one of them. Wouldn’t it be more likely that you’d discover something about that person each day that you didn’t know before? “Ogres have lairs.” 🙂 I think waking up every morning with someone you love and facing the day together… that *is* the novelty.

  4. MidoriLei

    I’m so glad there are positive men out there like you, Nathan!

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