I know guys like success. Whether we’re talking the board room, stock options or their latest female interest. Most guys wouldn’t propose to a girl unless they’re pretty sure they’re going to get a yes… yet guys ask girls out all the time without first determining if the girl’s interested. You might have seen the funny Mad TV skit called, “Can I have Your Number?” It’s hilarious:
Daryl is mad funny, but he does prove a point. Stay away from the flattery at first.
If she’s attracted to you and you’re busting out with all the flattery she’ll assume you do this all the time.
If she’s not attracted to you and you’re busting out with all the flattery, it’s just plain UNCOMFORTABLE.
You lose points either way.
Guys are most concerned with saying all the right things and being agreeable. That shouldn’t be your primary goal when you meet a stranger you want to get to know better. Your primary goal is to gain a level of trust and make her feel comfortable around you.
Don’t get too busy figuring out what to say and how to say it, that you forget to pay attention to the girl’s verbal and nonverbal clues to sense if she’s interested or not.
The best way to figure this out is to use a “feeler.” You avoid blatant rejection and you find out if the girl is interested before you ask her out or ask for her number.
Here’s a case in point:
The other day when I was at the gym doing warm up shots before playing basketball with the boys, a guy approached me and started chit chatting between shots.
Guys, that’s the first thing you need to do if you’re interested in getting to know a complete stranger. You have to do the small talk. (again, hold back on the flattery) No sensible girl is going to agree to a date with a complete stranger without first building a level of trust. (Unless you’re just drop dead gorgeous, but even then it’s iffy) You can only achieve this level of trust if you talk to her like a friend and maker her relatively comfortable in your presence.
Don’t worry about making a fool of yourself or looking nervous.
Believe me, nervous guys are the most endearing of all creatures!!!!! Nervousness on a guy looks good. Because it shows us that:
1. We make you nervous. It’s a power rush.
2. You don’t do this all the time. It makes us feel special.
After you get a flow in the conversation and she looks comfortable, even laughing, at this point, guys assume the girl is interested.
A girl laughing at your jokes or looking comfortable is hardly evidence that she’s interested!
You could just be funny!
She could just feel comfortable around you like a good buddy!
Or, she could just be a nice girl with good manners and an easy going personality.
This is not your cue to ask her out. Don’t go in for the kill just yet. At this point, if you go straight to the “Can I get your number?” or the “Can I take you out to dinner/coffee/lunch sometime?” the odds are still against you. Now is the time to throw out the feeler.
Which is exactly what this guy did. Right on! After we chatted a bit, goofed around a bit, laughed a bit and played a few games of 21 with some other guys, I was about ready to go. This is when the guy threw out the perfect feeler. He said, “So, what are you doing later on this evening?”
I actually did have plans to have dinner with a friend and give her a massage because she hurt her back at work, so I told him this. I also wasn’t interested in the guy so it was my way of showing him that he shouldn’t proceed further with asking me out on a date or asking for my number. Guys usually think that if they just ask this question, it’s not enough. Believe me, it’s enough. We’ll either say, “nothing,” and then this would be your opportunity to ask us out. If we did have plans but wanted to hang out with you in the future, we wouldn’t miss the opportunity. If I was interested in this guy, I would have said, “I’m busy tonight… but we should get together sometime.” Then I’d give him my number.
Because he threw out the feeler before actually asking me out, we didn’t have to go through any awkward, uncomfortable moments, and the guy didn’t have to leave feeling rejected. Nobody likes to hear a no when they ask someone out. So, by throwing out a feeler first, you can gauge if you should proceed.
Hi there Guru, I fell blessed that I found your post while searching for christian online dating services. I agree with you on the subject . I was just thinking about this matter last Tuesday.
Some good advice you’ve given!
I’ve got a situation for you, say you’re in a restaurant and you’ve set your eyes on this gorgeous lady with her girlfriend on the next table, and you’re bout to leave and you want to ask her out on a date so badly. As nervous as I was at that time, walked up to them and apologised for the intrusion, casually introduced myself, commented on how attractive she was and handed her my number on a piece of paper and a quick goodbye. Do you think that was a right approach? I can’t think of any other way to engage in such a situation. Any advise from you or the floor would be greatly appreciated. At the same time, fingers x on a text/ call from this lovely person i met.
That was as good approach as its going to get. The female brain will process information much faster than men. She was very much aware of your approach, sounds as if she may not have been interested at the time, I really don’t know. Statistics say, 1 in 10 women will respond.
Aw! It’s hard for shy men like me 🙁
Someone, it’s a lot easier to ask ‘so what are you doing tonight’ which sounds innocent and not a direct invitation to go out, than to ask for a number or a date directly because the girl can’t blatantly reject you or outright say ‘no i don’t want to go out with you.’ she can just say she’s going to be busy but it’s not as big a blow to your ego because you didn’t actually ask her out.
interacting with women you find attractive can be a daunting task, but if she’s a great girl, she will be worth the hard work!
The feeler eh?…So if I were to ask a girl what she plans on doing tonight, and she says she’s staying home to study…that would tell me shes not interested? O_o
Anyways, interesting blog.
Not necessarily. At least she said what she’s doing. That leaves it still open for discussion. It gives you an opportunity to either ask her about what she’s studying, where she goes to school… etc… and then you can jump in and say something like, “Wow, you work so hard! You need a break! Come out with me tonight and take a breather!”
I totally disagree. “What are you doing tonight” a) sounds way too booty-call-esque and b) sounds like a stranger trying to figure out if you’re going to be home so he can come over and rob the place. How about a good old fashioned “Can I take you out Friday night?” Seriously, women like to be asked out in advance, we don’t just sit around with nothing to do, and we find it very attractive when a man is willing to put themselves out there cuz they like you. Anything else is just lazy.
Sarah, yeah I can see where that statement could sound creepy. It definitely would need to be said rather nonchalantly and casually to work. But you’re right, a straight up asking on a date is the bolder move to make.
It’s very interesting to talk with the strangers and that puts value more when have to talk with stranger girl, you should know doesn’t matter who is in front gal/guy but you should be a people by your behavior and actions.
I have also collected “25 Ways To Interact With Strangers”
at mine place http://www.dgimlm.com
Heres a situation for you. So theres this girl at my place of work and i have liked her for about a month now and im one of those shyer guys so i cant just flat out ask her on a date. I am semi sure she likes me because of some signs i have noticed can someone please tell me if these are sure signs of her liking me? When i walk in my place of work her face will light up with joy and she smiles and stares at me. I strike up a small conversation and she doesnt seem nervous. She is willing to go out of the way for me by helping me with things she doesnt have to. I have also heared that if she points her feet towards you its a sign and she does point her feet at me. Another lady there who is friends with all the girls at my work came up to me and asked if i had a girlfriend and i replied no i dont and she had asked why not and i simply said i am looking for someone that i can acually fall for and not last 2 weeks. She then said oh well then you should start looking for someone here. Are any of these signs or am i a fool?
travis you are not a fool! But here’s my advice:
You’d be surprised how many men ask me some sort of derivative of this query. But the point that is lost is this: Don’t wait to tell if she’s interested to make a move. Don’t wait until you get a green flag by reading body language and interpreting signals. If you are into her, just go for it. Take the risk. That is what being a man means, that you are brave, courageous and are willing to take the risk– to go after something you really want regardless of the unknown. Most men back off, waiting for the woman to make it safe to move forward. They put out the bait and wait for her to catch it. Don’t do this. Boys do this. Men just go after the kill. Count the cost, is this girl worth all the effort? Because winning a woman’s heart takes MAJOR effort and time. And if the answer is yes, ask her out. Start the process of wooing this woman. Show her your interest. Don’t wait for her to show you hers.
Remember this:
The man’s desire is for the woman; but the woman’s desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man.
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE
Meaning, part of her attraction to you will be because you are attracted to her and are ardently and passionately pursuing her.
Just remember, be bold. Read about how women like a hunter here:
http://www.theseductresswithin.com/2009/02/07/women-love-a-hunter/
Make sure you are the one pursuing her, not the other way around. Don’t wait for her to make it easy for you by spelling it out that she wants to be with you.
@MidoriLi – ouch, you brought the pain but you are right. I am hurting from a situation in which I expected her to give me a clear indicator. While I was waiting, another guy swooped in and one day he just pulled her in and kissed her. Either go for it or go away.
Wisdom comes suddenly!
Thats all and well, but how do you get past the shy thingy….
Hi, I have a question that I need a female perspective on.
I recently became divorced (for the 2nd time) and have had no interest in dating. I have a daughter who is in kindergarten, and recently at a school function I noticed one of the teachers. I believe she’s a few years younger than me, but I happen to find her quite attractive, and from what little I’ve seen, she seems like a very nice person.
With the divorce, and the fact that she teaches at my daughter’s school, should that make for an awkward situation? And do you have any advice as to how I should approach her? There are few opportunities, but there will be another later this month. Wondering if I should make some sort of move…
hi ben, I think you should approach her! It could be awkward if things don’t work out, but it would be worse if you missed out on the opportunity to get to know her. Just tell her, “I understand if you can’t say yes to this being that you are my daughter’s teacher, but I’m going to risk putting you in an awkward position since I find you so attractive and would love to take you out to dinner sometime.”
Thank you for the reply and the advice.
Maybe I didn’t make it quite clear enough, but the woman is actually NOT my daughter’s teacher, but she does teach in the same grade level. If she were her actual teacher, I don’t think I’d go through with it, but seeing as how she’s not her teacher, I thought it might not be as big a deal.
I do have the usual confidence issues, with the divorce and all, even though my ex-wife has even told me I’m a really good guy and will be a good man for someone out there. I’ve had my moments of doubt (plenty of them) and I lost most of my interest in women, but this particular girl is the first one since the divorce who I’ve had serious thought on dating. I’ve of course had the sexual withdrawal, but when it comes to her I’d just like to get to know her.
Again, thanks for your advice. It’s much appreciated.
ben, go for it then:) the next time you see her, just approach her, introduce yourself and tell her you don’t usually do this but you couldn’t miss out on the opportunity to ask her out to dinner.
the confidence will grow as you go on more dates. But don’t psyche yourself out by making yourself feel like this girl is the only girl who can make you feel like dating again. Go through with it with no expectations, but just to challenge yourself to get out there again and ask women out again. If you put all your hope on this one woman and it does not work out, you will feel like it’s not worth it to go through the whole ordeal again. Instead, go out and ask her out to have fun and don’t take it too seriously. You can’t expect to be an expert and get everything right if you’ve been out of the game for so long, but you have to start to get more and more comfortable/confident. I’m not saying it’s not going to work out, I’m just saying go into it with the idea that you want to get to know her, have fun and allow her to get to know you. No big expectations= no big disappointments.
hello,
i think i’ve also got an interesting situation:
i am in college and ever since the beginning of the semester, i’ve been interested in a girl that i often see around campus. she is usually walking out of a building when i’m walking in, or in the library when i am or something to this effect. we always smile or wave at each other when this happens. i just recently (about 3 weeks ago) discovered we live in the same apartment building off(ish) campus when she approached me as i was walking out of a store and back to the building. she was very friendly and sweet. i’m not very good with most people, but i’d say we hit if off pretty well that day. i saw her again coming out of a building on campus the next day and we walked home together. the conversation was very nice and she laughed at all my jokes and what not. i didn’t walk her to her actual room (which i sort of regret now), because i thought it would be too much. the thing is though, i haven’t seen her in like two weeks…and i want to. would it be too much to knock on her door and see how she’s doing? thanks in advance.
Ari,
Do it! Not at night, but like right around lunchtime… 11ish (so she doesn’t beat you to eating)… tell her, “I was just thinking how I haven’t seen you in like two weeks and just miss seeing your pretty smile… u busy right now? Want to grab a bite to eat?”
and then take her out to lunch!
Be BOLD. that’s sexy.
I agree totally with what you’re saying. My only downside is that after I do try to make a change, it really works, but I always revert again to my same ways. Sticking to them is what I find difficult.
Hi again,
You gave me some advice on asking a teacher out at my daughter’s school a while back. That fell through, because I found out she is in a relationship, so I’ve moved on.
A girl at work who has shown interest in me before (while I was married) recently separated from her husband and is in the process of a divorce. She began giving me not so subtle hints that she is still interested in me, but I let her know pretty quickly that I think she needs to deal with her divorce and that I’m not exactly very interested in dating at the moment. She made it somewhat known that she would go for just casual sex, but from the way she acts, I think she really wants more. Apparently, she was pretty upset after I told her now is not a good time.
I’m not overly attracted to her, but I do enjoy talking with her, and she is a nice person, but I’m just not sure it’s a good idea. In my opinion a divorce is very difficult and jumping right into relationship isn’t a good idea, and it would most likely cause problems with us. And, as I said, probably the most important thing is, I’m not really attracted to her, physically.
What do you think about this situation?
test
Hi Ben, I highly recommend NOT going for the girl you are just not that into. I encourage men to pursue women who they are completely utterly attracted to both inside and out. It’s already a difficult task to win a woman’s heart, might as well hold out for the one that is worthy! First off, her inner beauty is lacking. She showed interest in you while you were married… Not a good sign at all. You want a woman who will respect and honor marriage. If you get serious with her in the future, how will you know she will not honor her next marriage if she has already proven a track record of showing interest in married men? It’s also not attractive when a woman is that forward. Part of the attraction men have is in pursuing a woman and if she is already pursuing you, she is taking away a key element in what will build your attraction for her. That’s strike two. Strike three, she is ready for a full blown rebound relationship or sexual escape. Both are likely to end in too much drama/chaos and possible heartache and not what you should invest in. Strike four: you want to pursue a woman who has respect for herself and her body. She is just basically throwing herself at you. She does not respect herself or value what she has to offer if she is giving it away so conveniently. You will do yourself and herself a favor by not starting something with her. She needs time to heal, time to process and grieve her divorce and time to learn to value herself enough to hold off on the physical and allow a man to pursue her.
Hi again,
I fully agree with what you said about staying away from a relationship with her. It’s tempting to get rid of some sexual frustration (it’s been quite a while), but like I said, I know it will most likely become more, and I believe neither of us are ready for more. I’m trying to live life as I please for a change, and she probably needs to do the same.
Thank you again
Hie,
There is a situation i have a girl in my office i find her cute but i dont have any medium to talk to her and approach her.I find here on Facebook also i just want to know how to let here know and approach her? as she is in same office so don;t know how to act upon it. I gave her smile she also some times give some clues but i am not sure. But still i wanna go for it. What shud be my second step now?
Sanchez, be risky! be bold! be brave! Be courageous! You do have a medium to talk to her and approach her. How do I know this? Because you see her on a daily basis! Any time you are alone with her, just go out and say it: “I don’t know how appropriate or inappropriate this is or if this is frowned upon. I’m so attracted to you. You have no idea. Can I take you out to dinner sometime?”
Don’t wait for more “clues” from her. Don’t facebook stalk her. Don’t play that game. It’s for insecure boys. You are a man. Approach her as a man would. If she says no, just know I am proud of you and you did the right thing. The longer you wait, the more she will think “What’s up with this guy? Is he interested or not?” Women want balsy, gutsy men who will just put themselves out there, risking looking like a fool for them! It’s hot!
Hi!
I’ve got a situation here. There is a girl whom I like since last 3 years. I see her not everyday but after a couples of weeks or sometimes once in one or two months. We don’t know each other but she knows I am after her. Initially, I got a few signals from her but being a novice I was not able to understand those. My feelings have become much stronger for her since then and I want to talk to her. The thing is that whenever she sees me now, she gets irritated. As she’s in a relationship and I don’t want to mess that up, so I just want to tell her about my feelings. What I lack is I don’t know how to approach her, how to ask her to talk and what to exaclty say.
Hi Dave, sorry I cannot help you with dating advice if the object of your desire is attached. Telling her about your feelings is inappropriate unless she decides to become single. What would even be the point of telling her your feelings if you “don’t want to mess her relationship up?” You will only bring drama.
So heres the deal… Im the classic “shy – nice guy” looking for love, not a fling or whatever. The trouble is I live on a small tropical island and the only girls I meet are here on holiday for 5 or so days. Ocasionaly I will meet someone and want to take things further but I cant do the whole sleazy “game” thing it just doesnt sit right with me… So how do I aproach someone who I have probably only spoken to once, has only a few days left on the island?
Thanks anyways (:
My question is kind of tricky, because the girl in question is a complete stranger.
I usually have breakfast in my schools cafeteria, and one morning i noticed this girl studying there so i just started staring at her because i found her cute. She realized i was watching and i looked way the second after. From that day on i catch her staring at me and looking away when i look at her and even looking at me when i leave or say hi to a female friend of mine that sometimes has breakfast there aswell.
I know people agree that when a girl stares at you and looks way when you look at her may mean shes interested, but i also ask myself what if she just thinks im a weirdo and just keeps constantly staring to make sure i am.
This thought has made me ignore her a couple of times including this one time i was in the cafeteria with 3 friends of mine, and even though her friends were there aswell with her, she stared the whole time at me and barely talked to her friends.
I think to myself that theres 2 things that can be happening, either she likes me which explains the staring, or since i first stared at her she thinks im weird and is trying to confirm it by watching me. If this last one is true ill just keep ignoring because i dont want to her to think im weird, i just need help confirming it 🙁
thanks in advance and sorry if this is a bit confusing(probably is 🙁 )
Island boy, If they only have a few days left on the island, then it will only be a fling given the circumstances unless you want to try to convince them to move there or try to do long distance. Are there any local girls you could pursue?
kal, the only way to find out is if you approach her and ask her out! “Hi, I’m Kal. I know you’ve probably caught me staring at you a couple of times. sorry if that’s been akward for you. I just find you very attractive. Do you have plans for lunch/dinner?”
Be bold! You’re the man. No need to act coy. Just approach her. Good luck!
This is a great post! I’m gonna share with my guy friends on the nervousness part especially!
Never seen this video before… it’s good! Great post! =)
i was getting new glasses the other day with my mom and there was a female employee there who ended up helping me. she was very nice and seemed to be in no rush to sell me glasses or help anyone else. she took a picture of me to send to my sister of the glasses when my mom couldnt figure how to do it on my phone and even cleaned my glasses because she looked at them and i said they were dirty. i didnt think she was interested or anything while i was there until i left and my mom brought it to my attention that she seemed to be flirty with me in the way she talked. she said she was showing “signs” (i didnt see any signs). i dont know if there’s a better chance she was interested cuz my mom noticed or less of a chance because my mom noticed. anyway, i still have to go pick them up in a couple days and i dont know if she was interested in me or if she was just being a nice person like i originally thought. i need help trying to start a conversation to see if shes into me and i dont know how far to go with the conversation considering i dont even know her name
pat, I say, the best way to find out if she’s into you is to just ask her out on a date. Say something like, “thank you so much for helping me the other day. You really went out of your way. Do you remember me?” If she remembers you, then move forward and just say, “I don’t think I formally introduced myself, “I’m Pat, what’s you’re name?” … “Well ______, I’m sure you get this a lot as you’re so beautiful, but I can’t miss this opportunity. Can I take you out to dinner sometime?”
DO THE BOLD THING.
NOTHING is sexier.
Even if you get denied, it’s the bandaid theory. Better now, with a brief moment of pain to your ego. It’s better than dodging the issue and slowly getting denied/rejected or WORSE YET, falling into the friend zone, as you keep showing up and not getting out what your true intentions are. Let her know ASAP that you only have ROMANTIC intentions toward her:)
Hey,
Theres this girl at school I’m into and she acts like shes into me too, she always flirts with me in class and ask me all sorts of questions. The other day she told me to add her on facebook, so I did. Later on I got home and decided to look on her page and see if we had any friends in common and on her profile shes got a boyfriend and it says “happily in love”. Then about a day after I added her she asked if we had a test the next week. I dont understand why she is flirty with me if she is in a relationship. Why is this?
Ron, some girls are just flirty naturally, or they are just “friendly” in their own eyes with no malice but men take that as being flirty. If she asks you all sorts of questions, she’s not really being flirty, just friendly. If she asks you to friend her on facebook, she’s not really being flirty, just friendly. If she asked you if you had a test the next week, she’s not being flirty, she’s just asking a question. Now, if she makes romantic remarks, compliments you in a way that is subtly sexual in nature, yeah, that is flirting.
Just don’t go there. If she is attached, “happily in love,” respect that. If you had a girlfriend, you’d want other guys to respect that you two are together too, so do unto others what you want them to do unto you. There are plenty of single beautiful women out there. She will respect you more too if you respect that she is in a relationship.
Hey you are not only a girl but you will become my angel, if you can help me out here.
I am novice to American culture.I am from Asia.
I am single and looking to meet people, what are best places to go and meet people.what is the approach ?
I am into bar scene couple of times asked girls for the drinks, they talked and they took my number too, but no one called me and when I called or texted, I did not get any reply.
I am disappointed and always wonder apart from being from same school or college, how people meet in America ?
Here is a girl in my office that I really like, but I am not sure whether she is interested in me or likes me.
whenever we meet in the coffee room, we say hii and then some talk about what we did on weekend or about the work or some sport.
Some body told me it is inappropriate to ask a girl out at work place, as it mess up with your professional life and gets a bad name.
Please help this single guy.
Cheers
Hi ,
So heres my situation. I have a huge crush on a girl @ work. I have talked w/
her on numerous occasions(briefely). I made her smile atleast. I finally built up
the courage to ask for her number. After everyone said “do it.” lol. I didnt build
up much of a plan. I just went for the oh so random. “Do you have a number”? I
know not very creative. She said “that someone had just asked”. “The same
question”. This was confirmed by me. She said “she just came out of a long
relationship”. “She wasnt really looking for one”. I said . . . so no phone
number than.” “She said you can get it from ****”.
Should I even try again?
Here’s the deal… I’m in my late 30’s and divorced for 6 months or so… I am interested in one of the female employees at the gym I go to. She’s addressed me by my name since I joined and has small conversations with me regularly…. usually about sports and she’s the one who initiates them… I can’t figure out if she’s just nice and doing her job or if she is interested. I was going to grab some baseball tickets and tell her I have an extra ticket to see if she wanted to go but that’s still a month away…. it seems like an easy way to ask her out without asking her out…. or should I just man up and tell her something like “dont let this change anything when I come in but would you like to grab a drink tomorrow night?
Mr. Jason, the best way to find out if a woman’s interested is to ask her out pronto! don’t wait a month… between now and then you will just get more and more nervous and possibly psyche yourself out. Do the fast bandaid approach so if it doesn’t work out you can move on quickly. Be nice about it and humble…
“I hope this doesn’t change our interactions or make you at all uncomfortable (thinking of her needs) but I just can’t help myself. (subtle way of telling her she’s irresistable!) I’m sure you get this alot (another compliment) but I’d be honored if you would let me take you out sometime(you are doing the work, not just ‘grabbing a drink together’. This way it’s you showing chivalry)… say tommorow night?”
fasteddie,
doesn’t look hopeful. Looks like she’s trying to break it to you nicely that she’s not interested.
okay, makes sense. It’s better to know before hand rather than just taking random shots hoping for a hit
-Chris
Hi,
I’ve been stuck in a rut for about 9 months now after I got out of a horrible relationship with my ex.
There’s this girl in my class that sits next to me and I’ve known her since senior year and we’re now in our 3rd year. I’ve previously liked her friend from years back before they knew each other and before I even knew her. It was a bad situation that led to me looking not so good. I’m afraid that my reputation would already have me in the friend zone. I like this girl and we’ve been chit chatting in our class that we take twice a week. She recently asked for my number for studying purposes or so she says. My friend told me she has trust issues with guys. I don’t know what to do. I’ve liked her since senior year. It’s been 4 years now.
Chad, just ask her out.
and read this article:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-best-way-to-find-out-if-a-woman-likes-you_1650/
i met diz gurl on fb.we ad 5 frnd in common,she stay 3km from were i reside i ask for her phone numbre n she gave it out i do kal her at mornin n txt her at nyt.i already did dat for 4days,i don realy knw wat she looks lyk n i already start lykin her n we av never seen b4.can i go straight up n ask her to go wit me on a date…i wil b waitin ur reply.tnx
bryanstyles1
JUST DO IT. 🙂
What are you waiting for?! Seal the deal, you don’t want to fall in love with an idea of a girl…
You gotta meet her in person and see if there is REAL attraction and chemistry and sparks!
yeah.let me give u d run down.i txt her dat.i found her so attractive,dat imma put her in a awkward position,dat i did lyk to tak her on a date sometimes.n she said no problm.bt she kal me 3 day b4 d dat she wud lyk to c me dat she wil b closin for work by 8.30 p.m. so i hang aroun her workin place n kald her to let her knw am around,so sad she kept me waitin 4 30min n i kald her coupl of tyms n she refuse to pikup,bt latr pikd up,n said…
bryanstyles1…
and said…???
Hi MidoriLei,
First off, this is a long message, so please read the whole thing. Thanks.
I’ve read all the questions and responses and I’ve realized I should just try ask out a woman straight out and not beat around the bush. Currently, there’s this really pretty woman in my class (I’m in college) and I’ve spoken to her, but I don’t really know how to flirt verbally so during the times I’ve talked to her it seemed platonic, so I’ll just have to ask her out next time, but maybe I’ll try to tease her before I ask her.
Okay, here’s a question. I’ve been going to archery club on campus since the beginning of the semester and since then I made acquaintances with several girls in the club. Yesterday I was in the Campus Center and I passed a girl from archery club. Now, I can’t remember if she said hi first or I did, but I then sat down to eat. As I was eating I saw her come out of the room she went into and was heading sort-of-toward me, but not directly toward me. I knew she saw me so I made a gesture like I was shooting an arrow at her and then she walked over to me directly. She was giving me a coy smile as she was walking toward me and then said, “Are you going to archery on Sunday?”. “Yes,” I replied. She said, “Well, I won’t be there on Sunday, but I will be there on Tuesday. Will you be there on Tuesday?”. “Yes,” I replied again. “Okay, then I’ll see you Tuesday.” I’m not sure if the entire interaction was her way of subtly showing she’s interested. What do you think? I’ll try to ask her out on Tuesday, but how should I get her alone since the whole club shoots in the same room? It could be too much pressure on her if I ask her with people around, right? I was thinking of saying, “I’m going to get a drink of water. Wanna come?” Another question is when during the club would be best to ask her…near the end of club or at the first chance I get? The rationale behind asking later would be to allow me to say “see you later”. Any thoughts?
Phil, she could be subtly showing she’s interested as she wants to know if you will be at the same location at the same time… OR she could just be totally outgoing and friendly and this is just her way of doing small talk. There’s really no point in reading too much into it.
Don’t ask her out in front of others if they are within earshot. It’s a private moment. She doesn’t need the pressure of others chiming in if they are rooting for you two or the awkwardness of silence and pity if she says no…I would call her over right before or right after class and ask her, “Hey can I talk to you for a minute?”
don’t ask her if she wants to get a drink of water. What if she says no? Men should be as direct as possible. It comes off as more confident. If say, “I’m going to get a drink of water, wanna come?” and a minute later you’re really asking her out, it’s a subtle way of being deceitful as your intention wasn’t really innocent and wasn’t at all about getting water. Just be to the point. “Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” Is honest and to the point. confident and not beating around the bush.
between the beginning of class or towards the end, I would choose the end as you never know if you will be accepted or rejected and it’s better to not have an awkward class or feel the pressure to be “flirtatious” or be constantly smiling or making eye contact during the class just because you started out asking her out on a date.
at the end of the class you could ask her out, saying something like, “I hope this isn’t too forward or makes you feel uncomfortable, but I would be honored if you’d let me take you out to dinner (or on a date).”
Then just smile the kind of winsome smile that says “I’m confident you are going to say yes!” If she says yes, then just say something to the extent of “awesome, I’m looking forward to it” a wink at this point would be so HOT. then your comment “see you later” and leave… ahhh you will leave her wanting more and super excited for the date.
Hey, so I have a situation :0 I’m in college and I really like this girl in one of my classes. Problem is we’ve been in class for about a month and a half and I never get the chance to sit next to her in class. I never get the chance to talk to her after class because she always leaves with some other girl I’m guessing she knows. The other day I finally got the chance to sit next to her and I did. After class I struck up a conversation with her. It was just some small talk about the class everything was cool but as we were walking out together she started to walk kind of fast like ahead of me. I asked her what her name was and she told me but continued to walk kind of fast. She didn’t ask me my name which I thought was weird. She wasn’t really rude about it though but I’m not sure what to make of it. I’m not ugly or anything but does it seem like she’s not really interested.. or should i just keep pursuing because i didn’t really try too hard ?
josh, don’t over analyze the situation. She might be late for something, have a lot on her mind or might not be initially interested. It could be a zillion things. The only real way to find out if she’s interested enough in you is to see if she says YES to going out on a date.
You’re not trying hard enough if you haven’t even asked her out to dinner or a date. Read this article about how to go about doing that:)
Good luck!
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/how-to-ask-out-a-girl-who-is-somewhat-a-stranger_1825/
Ok so I’ve been going to the gym for about 3 months and there’s this guy who goes at the same time. I must confess I have a crush on him, sometimes when we are in the workout room (cardio machines) I might be doing the elliptical machine and he might be in the front row doing the treadmill and I am just starring at him seeing him run as i lam listening to crush (david archuleta) . Anyways sometimes i feel like he notices me but pretends not to care too much or ignores me, the other day we almost bump into each other and we had our first laugh together, i couldn’t stop thinking about what a great feeling that was, for me to finally hear him laugh. But he is either shy or not into me, although sometimes he stands in front of me and pretends to be watching the t.v in front. I don’t want to make a move what if he is not interested at all, but i kind of feel some chemestry, he looks like he is in the late 28-30 he is a tall latino man wears glasses and looks very serious, and i am 33 so maybe I am to old for him(i am a 5’7 latina, i just lost 20 lbs so now i am 150 🙂 I consider myself attractive. I don’t know what to do, what if he is really shy and i start talking to him and he takes me for a flirt. But i guess that would be the only way to find out and for me to stop dreaming, i think the next time I see him i will look for a way to excersice on a treadmill right next to him and start a conversation i just can’t continue to be so close to him and not know.
Hi Jessi L,
Just to make things clear, you are reading an advice column from a very traditional woman. I would NEVER advise a woman to make the first move with a guy (ask him out).
I think the most important thing is for you to wait, be patient, and smile a lot. A smile is enough motivation for a man to approach you if he is truly interested. I wouldn’t even go out of your way to run right next to him and strike a conversation. A guy can read right through that. He will either think, hmmm she’s interested and confident, or hmmm she’s really forward and desperate. It can go either way, but do you really want to risk that interpretation?
You can read this article about shy guys:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/about-shy-guys%e2%80%a6_18/
or this article about why you shouldn’t pursue a man:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-number-1-postfeminist-dating-mistake_56/
Good luck!
also, I wrote my latest post about you!
Hi there,
I work in a small shop and every so often this girl walks in. She’s stunning and has an alternative style that I love.
She seems a bit shy, but I always say “Hi, you alright?” or something to that degree. She always replies “Yeah, thanks.” but never takes it from there.
What can I do? 🙁
Hi. I recently told you about a girl in one of my college classes and also a girl in archery club. I was in the library studying and I noticed the girl from my class was in the book aisle next to me putting a book away, so I started talking to her. I am still very new to small chat, so it wasn’t the most interesting chit chat and it lasted only a couple minutes. I asked her what her plans are for this Friday and she said she has theater rehearsal for a play next week. This is believable because she told me on a separate occasion that she’s involved with plays on campus, so I said “if that means you’ll be less busy next week we should get coffee sometime” and she replied with “We’ll see.” After that she asked me if I had finished the assignment for class and what I was writing about, so I told her. We then finished the conversation because I felt a little nervous and also wanted to return to the urgent assignment. My initial reaction to her response is that it neither a rejection, nor an acceptance. Perhaps she is unsure of me and needs more time to evaluate me, or she doesn’t realize I was asking her out and is unsure of her schedule in the future, or that was her extremely ambiguous way of rejecting me. In any case I need to keep talking to her, but not bugging her about her schedule. What are your thoughts?
I also have trouble knowing what to say before talking to women in general. I know it doesn’t always matter what the topic of conversation is, but my mind goes blank. It’s so hard for me just to have a normal conversation when I’m actively trying to meet people in general. I speak much more smoothly when I’m not even trying. I don’t have trouble conversing when I talk to my friends or acquaintances. You might suggest not trying and just have fun, but then I would be actively “trying to have fun” rather than just “having fun”…do you understand what I mean? I feel like I’m learning what I should have learned in middle school and high school, but I didn’t hang out much with people outside of school and during school I was a serious student, though I did have crushes.
Thanks Midorilei I thought about that today when i saw him, I got there a little late and when i was behid the treadmill row doing the elliptical he turned back and look at me but not directly like from the corner of his eye, it was as though he had been waiting for me ,then when he finished and exit the room as he walked right next to me he just kind of looked at me really fast i kind of smile and that was it. So I just don’t get him, but i do know now that i am not going to initiate anything I am not like that, I can proudly say till date I have never been the one to start something (it just hasn’t taken someone that long)if he is really shy then he will have to deal with that before he takes a chance on me and if he doesn’t i am just going to accept it, i am not going to throw myself at him. Maybe I’ll even make him miss me a little by not going at the same time one or two days, ( I don’t even know if he’ll care) o well only time will tell. 😉 thanks for the articles I am about to click on the links.
Jessi L,
I’m so glad you are choosing this route. You will save yourself so much unneccessary heartache in the future if you only choose to allow the men into your heart who actually will take the time and effort to pursue you:) The man who will pursue you in the intial stages of the relationship is more likely the man who also knows how to continue to pursue you when you are in the relationship long term and give you the attention and affection you crave.
Good luck!
Phil,
you can read this article about how to do small talk with women (it refers to a first date, but can apply to earlier interactions)
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/questions-to-ask-girls-on-a-first-date_170/
also another thing to remember is that women love nervous guys. It’s endearing. Read this article:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/how-to-flirt-with-a-girl_608/
or this:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-3-most-important-elements-when-approaching-a-woman_1792/
My thoughts on her comment, “We’ll see…” You were there when she said it, and it’s all a matter of how she put it out there. Did she smile when she said it? If she did, she’s just trying to play hard to get and wants you to ask her again.
The point is there is implied hope in the answer because her answer was not “no.” She didn’t make up an excuse either.
All you have to do is bring it up again… Say something like “ahhh, I need a study break really bad, I’m starting to nod off. How about that coffee DATE? my treat.” and smile:)
and omg there is definitely the possibility that she doesn’t know it’s a date. Why? Cuz you didn’t say the word date! You said “We should get coffee sometime.” It’s not aggressive, doesn’t show that you want her. It shows you want coffee and she’s just a peripheral element in the equation. It even doesn’t imply you’re paying because you’re doing the activity together not necessarily you taking her out. 🙁
Did you read this article I wrote with you in mind?
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/how-to-ask-out-a-girl-who-is-somewhat-a-stranger_1825/
sorry to bombard you with all these article links, but they will all be helpful.
This is why you have to say the word “date” when you ask a girl out:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-best-way-to-find-out-if-a-woman-likes-you_1650/
Matt,
First, are you allowed to ask out customers? If you are and she comes in, find a way to take your break when she comes. Tell her, “You look very beautiful today.” Then lean forward and whisper something like, “You can totally say no. I hope this isn’t too forward. I’m taking my break in a minute. Do you mind waiting for a sec? I want to ask you something.”
When you sit down with her, ask her out on a date! Tell her, “Can I take you out to dinner sometime? I’ve never asked out a customer but I see you come in here day in and day out and it’s really something I look forward to. You coming here always makes my day… and I just had to ask you out.”
“Hi, You alright?” doesn’t give a girl much to work with, that’s why she’s not taking it a step further! You gotta actually ask her out.
At the very least, tell her, “btw, I love your style.” then smile, hand her her receipt and write something on it… like… “I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, but can I call you sometime?” When she looks up from reading it wherever she is in the room, meet her eyes, smile and make the facial expression that says, “So what do you think?”
or if she leaves before she can read it, the next time she comes in ask her when she walks up to the counter, “So what do you think?” and smile the kind of confident smile that says, “I know you will say yes. You won’t regret it. and if you don’t I’ll be okay, you’re not the only woman in the world”
(and yes, a smile can say all those things!)
I don’t ever recommend a guy give out his number. Why? Because it make the girl do the work of calling, like the guy is putting the responsibility of pursuing on the woman. In my book the guy needs to ask for the number and the guy needs to call the girl and then the guy needs to ask her out on a date.
alot of work and responsibility?
YES.
But a good woman is ALWAYS worth it:)
Good luck!
13 years old just got a girls number on a peice of paper what should i do
13 years old girl just gave me her number on a piece of paper what should i do
iceberg, if you’re not over 18, I would call her! 🙂 strike a conversation. Ask her any questions from here if you get stuck:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/questions-to-ask-girls-on-a-first-date_170/
iceberg… might I add, only call her if you like her and find her attractive.
Now thisbia confusing. In 2 weeks I got like 10 girls numbers but one of them texted me after Orestes her and when I said like let’s met for a coffee she stopped testing me even If I texted her.another one i got her numbers we chat for more than an hour and we ate taco’s as she wanted some and we agreed to meet on a date to watch a movie and I asked her directly for a date and when the day came of the date she didn’t answer her phone or text me back and her voice mail is full I mean I really got mad cuz if u want to meet up just meet up and don’t play Ames around.the 3rd one we talke fr like 15 min and I hives her and holder her from her waist and there is like a distance of 3-4 inch between our lips but I isn’t ask her for her phone number to keep thingsexcited as she invited me to a party I already know about it and I’m sure I will meet all these 3 girls there along with other 4 girls from who I took their numbers or chatted for so long.so advice me what is going wrong?!for me it feels like each one have her own way to approach bit I must get the right signals bold for some of them and talkative to some and ignorant to others but I hate all this waking game it is more like if u wanna go out and have fun or go to a date just do it and save me the drama actually alot of drama kills me bit I love to play it to a certain amount.so give me some good advices because wen I see the girl who didn’t answer her phone I will ask her WHY?!
MidoriLei,
Thanks for being so patient and willing to help. I’m flattered that you wrote an article with me in mind. I think my biggest problem is I psyche myself out of talking to women and asking them out because I’m afraid of being rejected. I’ve been a perfectionist since elementary school, so I’ve always viewed rejection = incorrect, except there’s no feedback mechanism for asking women out and I have never been able to learn what it is that I’m doing incorrectly. I remember the first hour of the first day of 4th grade pretty well: I noticed my peers doing stuff and I asked, “what am I supposed to be doing? Am I doing this right? Is this how long our answers need to be? What are you writing about?”
I read the articles you suggested and they sound very helpful. Now I’ll have to try them out. The main point that I got from the article about approaching and asking a woman out is to be straight forward and be obvious. Correct me if I’m wrong. I always thought that being straight forward and obvious would make me look like a sex-crazed pig, which is the opposite of what I want to portray, so I’ve tried to think of a way to be subtle. Then, by being subtle, my romantic interests never actually knew I was interested in them and thought of me as a friend. I guess it was all in my head and that I just need to go for it. Do I need to build rapport with her or is it enough to walk up to an attractive woman and just say, “Hi. I’m Philip. I saw you standing/sitting here and you look so beautiful that I want to take you out to dinner.”
Hi MidoriLei,
When she said, “We’ll see,” she had a neutral face (i.e. neither smiled nor looked upset) and her arms were straight at her side, her body and face were facing me directly, her legs were straight, which to me is completely neutral body language. As for the other girl from archery…well…I saw her walking and holding hands with another guy when I passed her on campus, so no point in pursuing that further I guess.
Also, how would you suggest approaching women that are COMPLETE strangers? In particular what if I’m walking along and I see an attractive woman also walking. I honestly have no idea how I would initiate the conversation because in my experience if I am alone and someone walks up to me and wants to start talking to me and I’ve never seen the person before, it makes me feel awkward because I automatically think “Why is this person talking me? What does this person want from me?”
Hi Phil,
First, I understand we all fear rejection. I can be a perfectionist too! One way to make it less scary is to realize it’s not a personal rejection. Read this article as it deals with how to get over that fear:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-dateinterview_169/
rejection does not = incorrect. It = not the right match. If you think about “doing it correctly” versus “doing it incorrectly” you’re going to be in a losing battle with yourself. There isn’t really a right or wrong way to do things in the dating world for the most part, it’s just a matter of getting out there, showing people who you are and hoping they like what they see visually, dig your approach, and are curious enough to give you a chance.
Be straightforward, be obvious. Yes and yes. I’ve never had the opinion “you’re a sex crazed pig” to ANY man who’s been straight forward and obvious. All I’ve thought was “Wow, he’s confident. wow, he’s brave. He finds me desirable!”
You only look like a sex crazed pig if you start with the sexual inuendo or blatantly start joking and flirting and talking about sex.
Women WANT to be desired, so the straightforward, obvious route is the way to go.
It’s enough to ask a stranger out without building rapport, but your chances of securing the date increase with more rapport. Otherwise, she is only saying yes to her attraction to you, not to possible charm and flirtation you could throw out. If you give some rapport, she could have more to go by to see if there is “chemistry.” I wouldn’t say, “Hi, I’m philip. I saw you standing/sitting here and you look so beautiful that I want to take you out to dinner.” although that’s the truth, it sounds like you ONLY want to take her out because she’s beautiful… Does that make sense? Also, more conversation = more time. And More time= more trust. More trust= more likely she will say yes.
Just introduce yourself like this: “Hi, I’m Philip. What’s your name?” And then it is always good to be apologetic because you are interrupting someone’s day and being apologetic shows humility. It also gets women to trust you sooner. Say, “Sorry this might seem really forward but if I don’t say something to you right now, I know I’ll be hitting myself on the head thinking I just let such a beautiful woman pass me by and I’ll never see her again.”
Do you see how it’s complimenting her indirectly? It’s easier than a direct compliment because direct compliments sometimes have the unnecessary pressure for the recipient to respond.
It also tells her you think she’s attractive without making it seem like it’s the only reason you want to take her out (even though at this point that is true, women want to feel like you want to “get to know them better.” If she thinks you are only going out with her cuz she’s pretty, that’s when she’ll question if you are only interested in a physical relationship)
If you don’t want to chit chat further as you’re probably going to be super nervous, you can say…
“I’ve gotta run but can I call you sometime?” And then if she says yes, just take out your phone and say, “### area code?” to get the ball rolling.
And as you leave tell her to have a great day and tell her you will call her:)
if she says no, the exit strategy is to smile and say, “Well, I’m sorry for interrupting you. Enjoy the rest of your day.”
Also Phil,
It doesn’t hurt to ask the archery girl, Do you have a boyfriend? If she asks why, then say, cuz I wanted to ask you out on a date but I saw you holding hands with a guy around campus so I was just wondering.
Again smile. Maybe even look in the mirror and practice smiling without showing teeth, but smiling a smile that says “I’m flirting with you.” try it! eyes crinkled…
MJ I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you’re saying for the most part. It’s giving me a headache trying. Sorry, it’s grammar and spelling issues I’m talking about:(
From what I can understand, I think it’s wrong that the girl agreed to go on a date and then didn’t show up? and didn’t respond to text or phone? It’s okay to approach her about it, but don’t be angry. Just tell her you were waiting and you wish if she didn’t want to go that she would just be straighforward and not lead you on. Then just leave it at that. If you come on strong and angry, your message won’t come across and she’ll be thinking “I’m glad I didn’t go out with you, you hothead!”
You have three others you’re interested in? Just focus on them until one stands out from the rest.
So i have this girl at my school please help me anyone …. so i have this girl she a sophmore im a freshman how do i get her on a date with me do i first ask for the number then text her to get to know her then ask her if she wants to chill sometime maybe a movie or something….. or what i actually have a lot of experience and im never shy but its weird it seems harder with this girl she seems different in a good way
Fighta, you said…
do I first ask for the number? Then text her to get to know her? then ask her if she want to chill sometime maybe a movie or something?
Yes, get her number, but do the bolder thing and call her instead of just texting. And instead of asking her if she wants to “chill,” which seems too casual and not as clear that you want more than friendship, do it like a gentleman and ask her if she wants to go on a “date” with you.
And here are some ideas for first dates! 🙂
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/how-to-choose-where-to-go-on-a-first-date_173/
good luck!
situation…. girl comes to my gym with her cousin, we always make eye contact with each other and i notice her watching me all the time… i dont know what to say to this girl, shes breath-taking im usually pretty couragous when it comes to these things but i litterally have no idea how to approach this girl. any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. thanks. and if it helps were around 19 – 22
Rod, tommorow I will post an article about how to approach a complete stranger:) Watch out for it.
So I have to say that I’m one of those shy guys also and not sure how to ask this girl out that I am very attracted to.
It varies on the days I see her but she works at a gas station in my area. I go in get what I need and I’m on my way to my job. I have only seen her about 5-6 times. And because she is at work and I’m on my own schedule I can’t stay and talk. Only twice was there a brief conversation. First was not intriguing in any way. But the second got me thinking that she might be interested in me.
I brought the drinks that I was purchasing and she stated that I mist really like them. (I had half a dozen naked drinks) they were not all for me and I told her why I was buying so many. She laughed a little and when she was printed my receipt she read my name off of it. Now like I said I’m a shy guy and I don’t know if she was showing interest but I froze just because of it. The conversation ended soon after that.
So my question(s): should I just ask for her number? I don’t want to approach and jus spit out can I have your number.
Any advise would be great thanks for your time in reading this I know its a bit lengthy.
Lastly to add I have not seen her since that short encounter. And I would like to make my next one worth it.
Hi Brandon,
I think you would highly benefit from reading my latest post:)
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/what-to-say-to-a-complete-stranger-when-you-approach-her_1878/
Don’t overthink if she’s interested in you or not, you will psyche yourself out. Just ask her for her number, but before that you can make small talk, say something like, “do you remember my name? You read it off to me the other day on the receipt”… and smile.. and then if she doesn’t remember, say, “It’s brandon.” If she does remember, flirt with her and say, “you have a good memory” and then say, “What’s your name?” If it’s a pretty name, say, “That’s a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. I know you probably get this a lot, but can I get your number? I promise I won’t flake out on you:)”
Thanks for the feed back and I will use the info on the article. By the way I did get this before I saw her again and I was able to stay for a few minutes to talk. We kept eye contact and both smiled. She does seem interested. I will ask her if she remembers my name the next time. I just need my shy self to be more forward. Again thanks and ill let you know what my final outcome has brought. Either the yes or no.
Hi MidoriLei,
There is a girl I know that might like me, but she hasn’t made it evident. It’s possible that she’s just a nice person. To me she is less physically attractive than the women I mentioned previously, but still attractive. I’ve never been in a relationship, but I don’t want to get in a relationship for the wrong reasons. I’ve wanted a girlfriend for a long time, but I don’t want to necessarily get in a relationship with the first girl that likes me unless I know that I like her. To be honest, I’m acquaintances with this girl, the archery girl, and the girl from class, so I don’t really know a lot about any of them. I guess the question is “do I ask out girl “A” who I think might like me, who I find less physically attractive than girl “B”, and with whom I have some similarities, or do I wait to ask out girl “B” who I find way more attractive, but I have no idea if girl “B” is interested or what kind of personality she has?”
One question that comes to mind in this situation is “is it better to avoid going on a date with someone who I’m not sure I’m physically attracted to, or take the risk and go on a date because there’s a possibility that she likes me?”
Hi there,
Recently at college our juniors have come. There is a girl intially who i felt was looking at me. I’m not too sure whether see was really looking at me, intially i didn’t really bother much about it. But now its like i want to talk to her now and i’m not sure how m i going to to do that. Becoz their class is on 3rd floor and mine is on 4th. I did try telling her a hi when she passed my floor but it didn’t work out coz she tot i was talking to someone else….later the same day again at the parking i waved her hi 3 tyms but she was like confused in herself. Now i really want to talk to her and make my days count. My curosity is on a higher night. How do i work things in my favor??? I really want to get to know her and become close. One thing good in here is that she’s my friend’s classmate. But i don’t wana reveal it to others that i have a crush on her….i need real big help and good ideas to make myself happy and life smooth.
Brandon, that’s awesome. Would love to know the outcome:)
One way to not be so nervous is to not even try to think about if she is interested or not. You want to make your move regardless. Your job is to convince her you’re worth getting to know better:) She has nothing right now but looks to make her interested. There is much more to you than that.
MJ,
why not tell your buddies? they can help you out, be your wingman. Your friend is the only connection you have to her it seems at this point. Do the bold thing and ask your friend to ask her if she can wait after class. He could say, “Hey, do you mind waiting after class, my buddy wants to meet you. He thinks you’re beautiful and just wants a chance to say hi.”
Whatever you do, choose the BOLDEST path. THAT is attractive.
Take a risk. Girls dig it.
Phil,
in short, go after the one YOU want most. Do not take the easy route by just going out with the one you know likes you.
Then you will never have a “what if” with the other girl. You will never have a regret regarding this decision.
also Phil,
Have you read this article?
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/should-you-date-a-plainaveragenot-very-attractive-woman-who-is-beautiful-on-the-inside_1816/
I have to disagree with the comment that says that nervouse guys are endearing to women. If that were so, women would go out with good guys instead of the bad ones, and they don’t.
From what I have seen, a guy who just comes right out and asks girls to hook up with them, pretty much do get hooked up with the girl.
On the other hand, if a guy is shy and nerouse, a woman won’t be endeared to this, they will just think it’s cute, and there is a big difference.
This is what happens to shy, nervouse and guys who are just plain gentlemen. They get overlooked as the girl looks for bad guys.
Women like to have these guys as friends, but they don’t picture these guys as boyfriends. So what this means is that girls do like these guys as friends, but not in the boyfriend way.
So the verdict was she gave me her number. And damn she was quick to say yes and everything. She was deffinatly waiting for me to ask. We have talked for about a day and a half now. And we have dinner plans later this week. So far so good. Thanks for your support Midorilei.
Brandon! Whoop whoop! This is me, ur personal cheerleader cheering u on! So glad u got her number! … But just so u know, even if the verdict was the opposite u should still pat yourself on the back because u, my friend, will have no thoughts of “what if?” because u were bold enough to make a move. Yay to taking risks:)
Misato katsuragi,
U said ” From what I have seen, a guy who just comes right out and asks girls to hook up with them, pretty much do get hooked up with the girl.
On the other hand, if a guy is shy and nerouse, a woman won’t be endeared to this, they will just think it’s cute, and there is a big difference.”
I’m making the point that nervous guys are endearing ONLY if they make an effort and take a risk by actually asking a girl out. I’m trying to encourage shy, nervous, or/awkward men to ” just come right out and ask girls” on dates regardless of if they come off as being nervous. I agree with u that a shy nervous guy is NOT endearing just because he is shy and nervous. He actually has to make a gutsy move. THAT is what makes his nervousness endearing
Hey,
Okay, some time ago i opened a random door, at school, and bumped into a girl. I moved out of the way and let her pass (this happened twice actually, on two separate days). It was also the first time i have seen her at school. I found her quite attractive and after that, i have been seeing her everywhere i go. From then on, every time she sees me, she stares. But i cant make out if she is hinting that she like me or whether i happen to be at the place she is staring. On another day, as i passed by her table during lunch, i saw her muttering something to her friends and they all looked at me. If she is interested, i dont mind asking her out but im still confused as to whether she is interested in me or whether it was all a…..coincidence?
Thanks,
A feeler is asking someone out, she knows it, he knows it. Then if she is busy they both act all cool like nothing has happened. Why behaving like this makes us feel so good I’m not sure but it always feels like we made an ally and a friend and strengthened our position in the world.
If someone is reading this to learn how to pick up women your on the right track read 100 blogs like this and read them twice then ask 100 girls out in a week or use a feeler on a 100 women, whatever just keep asking and don’t give a f**k about being rejected its nothing, rejection is not punishment its a lesson, stop whining and enjoy life by never letting any punch stop you or slow you down. Bitches do that and that aint you if you choose not to be a bitch and it is a choice you can do whatever you want, be whoever you want to be as long as you obey the law you can’t go far wrong, easy.
Hello MidoriLei,
I was speaking about ANY guy that is shy or nervous, whether they actually ask a girl out or not. Girls don’t find these guys endearing, and would rather not be asked out by them.
Oh, and I guess I should also say that it should go without saying that no matter what I post, or how concrete my opinion on something is, or isn’t, the thing is … There is always the exception to the rule, especially with a topic like this. Like with my last post. I am sure now that I have posted it, that some guy who is really nervous and shyer than all get out will find the courage to ask the girl of his dreams out and that girl will actually be attracted to that and they will hook up, and he will get on here and tell us all about it (just to make a liar out of me. Hahah. Just kidding). But the point is, there is always going to be the exception. There always is, isn’t there? =D
Misato Katsuragi,
I guess I’m just speaking for me and many of my outgoing/extroverted/talky girl friends. We love to talk, and we love a man who can listen. I’ve always been attracted to shy guys… I’m actually TURNED off by a man who is the center of attention/class clown extroverted type…and many of my friends are the same way. Maybe it’s just the case of opposites attracting?
And the nervousness just makes me flattered, I’m thinking ‘aww, poor thing, I make him nervous! HOW adorable!’ And it kinda turns me on!
Davey,
you’re really onto something with this!!!!!
“ask 100 girls out in a week or use a feeler on a 100 women, whatever just keep asking and don’t give a f**k about being rejected. It’s nothing. Rejection is not punishment, it’s a lesson. Stop whining and enjoy life by never letting any punch stop you or slow you down.”
Hi Ray,
Tomorrow I will post an article that will address your comment:)
I feel rather stupid asking this, (and it’s not exactly a relevant post to ask it on) but I will anyway.
So there’s this guy I’ve know my entire life. Our families used to do everything together, but around a year-and-a-half ago we drifted apart because we both used to be homsechooled, and that year he started going to a private school.
Now, I’m not sure quite how long I’ve liked him, because my brother used to tease me about him all the time, so there was always awkwardness and me fighting anything but platonic feelings for this guy. But once he was still bugging my thoughts months after we stopped hanging out, it was rather hard to not get the memo.
I wasn’t attracted to his looks at first, but that came with a little time and now he’s the most beautiful guy I’ve laid eyes on. Not the “hottest” per-say, but…
Well anyway, we’ve kept a little contact over facebook, and I did go to one of his tennis matches in the summer. I stink at flirting, especially online stuff. I start joking sarcastically, and we all know that doesn’t work too well over the internet… (I worry I hurt his feelings at some point, actually.) I did go as far as to suggest we hang out once(I’d be happy to even just hang with him as friends again, to be honest), and he said “Yeah we should!” but nothing ever came of it because he was very busy with family vacations at the time.
It’s rather frustrating, though, because I’m not about to tell him I like him – aside from not wanting to ruin the friendship we had/have, I want the guy to pursue. From the little bit we’ve hung out, I THINK he might have some interest in me, but he either assumes he’s just a friend, or he might be remembering the time when we were 13 and I expressed blatantly, multiple times and over multiple weeks of questioning, that I did not like him. (Thank you, brother, for making this even harder.) That would explain why he doesn’t really initiate anything over facebook, though he does reply and stuff if I comment or ask a question. (Or that could just be my excuse.)
Gosh, I ramble. Anyway, I wanted to ask how I could express a little romantic interest in him without it being weird or too forward. If we hung out, I’d just grin at him and whatnot, but since we don’t, that’s not exactly going to work. Also, because we are both only 16, I’d be more than happy to get over him, but despite trying he keeps popping up in my life just as I’m about to make some progress.
He’s the only guy I’ve ever had a crush on (I count initial attraction to a stranger as an entirely different animal), so I’m extraordinarily flustered. This has been going on for over a year with no sign of halting.
Thanks if you read this, and sorry for being so long-winded!
Hi Nat,
Omg, I’ve totally been there! I used to crush soooo hard on my older brother’s best friend. It didn’t work out with us because when I liked him, he still thought of me as his best friend’s little sister, and when he liked me, it was too late and I was already over him. ehh, plus he tried to “court” me and that went down badly:(
But anyways, I know your frustration. BELIEVE me. I know what it’s like to want to see things happen and want to help move things along…. but ALSO wanting more than anything, to be pursued with abandon. As women we get impatient about these things but we also don’t want to have to try to “convince” a guy to notice us. WE value men initiating and pursuing and going out of their way to win us over…
With your unique situation, and the fact that he’s already registered the untruth that you are not into him, there’s extra work on your part that needs to be done. He’s not just coming from a place of wondering if your feelings are there, or they are neutral,
he is coming from a place of thinking you DONT like him that way…. so you have to get him thinking that you find him attractive and are into him WITHOUT asking him out, and still giving him the room to pursue you and be the man. It’s kinda like if a girl breaks up with a guy, she can’t really expect him to come around and ask her out if she made it clear she wasn’t interested anymore. If she wanted a reconciliation, it’s kinda on her to make a move. This is where my normal belief that women shouldn’t make the first move has an exception… so your situation is kind of an exception too. kind of.
very fine balance here…
the best way to communicate this to him is not over the internet. he needs to hear the flirtation in your voice, so if you can’t hang out with him in person, does he have your number?
If he doesn’t have your number, message him on Facebook and tell him, “I miss you! Would love to hear your voice. Call me: ### ### ####.”
See? Slightly flirtatious with the “miss you” but you also tell friends you miss them so it’s not too forward. “would love to hear your voice” also has a subtly flirtatious ring to it without giving up all your mystery.
It’s just a comment to get him thinking you could “possibly” be into him, but still leaving him wondering.
And then when he calls you, do some small talk. how’s his family. What is his school like, what does he do for fun there. Did he have an easy/hard time adjusting from homeschool? Does he have any female crushes?
And then if he doesn’t like anyone there (if he does like someone you may want to proceed with caution as it’s less likely he is crushing on you if he is crushing hard on someone else) … you can ask him this…
“Do you remember when we were 13 and I expressed blatantly that I didn’t like you romantically?” Him: Yes. You: “Did you LIKE me back then?” Him: Yes/Not like that Why?
You: (if he says not like that) Just wondering.
You: (if he says yes why?) I’m just thinking that I wouldn’t be opposed to you feeling that way about me now.
if he says, “yes, why? did you like me too?”
say, “maybe?”(only if you can say it in a flirtatious way!) or “ask me out on a date next time you’re in town and MAYBE I’ll let you in on a little more of what was going on in my head at the time.” you gotta say it really sexy and mysteriously:)
omg I’m super excited for you!
Good luck! let me know how it goes!
Nat, also, if he doesn’t respond positively to “I”m just thinking I wouldn’t be opposed to you feeling that way about me now.” then just say nonchalantly, “Well, just had to clear the air. I guess I missed my chance. I hope you meet an amazing girl there. You deserve it.”
MidoriLei,
Thank you so so much! You have NO idea how helpful all that was. The only other advice I’d scrounged up so far was either “get over it” or “ask him out,” neither of which I wanted to do.
But anyway, I sadly don’t have a cell phone, but I could tell him we need to hang out. I’ll give it a shot tonight, if my nerves don’t give in, and definitely keep you posted.
Thanks again!
Nat, you’re welcome!
Awesomeness:) look forward to your update!
I work in a college that shares the same space as my work, thus tons off hot corp chicks and college girls. Not to be vain, but as a computer geek, I workout & speak 2 languages (eng & jap), so I get looks, but intimidate women at times. Not the status-quo lol. I play the field hard (& date ALOT) b/c most guys are too afraid to talk to women, so no issues there for me.
There is a hot early 20s girl that works in the cafe (cashier), so I know she’s sees tons of traffic (dudes) old & young, so offers probably come by the 100s lol, but she’s shuts them down hard (lotta AFCs). Well of all the guys, she wanted to meet me b/c I’m just my own man, crack on her & don’t take her attitude. Now, this led to her attraction. I got her #, went out twice, but only kissed her on the cheek after declining to go for a normal kiss (trying to be a gentleman, I regret). Trying to be smooth. She even paid for the 2nd date!!!
Had plans for a 3rd date, no word from her, so she said she texted me, but never got it…NO BIGGIE. We texted days later, but then I noticed she stop responding to my texts (I know young girls!!). Now I rather talk in person b/c she loves to see me, but our schedules are night & day (both in college w/ 2 jobs). My life hit rock bottom, so I have 2 focus on me before I can approach or be anything to her, but seems like the longer I wait, the worse.
Should I stop by to try over again, or allow things in my life (school & personal issues) to get better & risk her intrust level to flee (if not already)?
PS…I’m a realist, she’s got tons of options, so not really outcome dependent, she just made the cut of girls that I’ve dated.
chad,
I guess the question is, what do you want? Do you want to focus on your life or have someone to share it with while you focus on making changes? If you’ve never really allowed yourself the freedom to just be single and deal with your life, then that might be something you want to do just for yourself because if you pursue women, you’ll either just be distracted if it doesn’t work out, or you will be too preoccupied if it is the right girl, and it could get serious really quick… All of a sudden you’ll have so much on your plate and you’ll find yourself feeling like you took on too much too soon.
See with women, nothing stands still. You are either progressing or you are taking a step back. Just keep that in mind.
At the same time, is this just some random hot chick or is she someone you’re going to think about in the future with the regret, “What if?” Will she be “the one that got away?”
If you do decide to just focus on your issues, make sure that you don’t burn this bridge. Tell her the truth: I want to see where this can go, but right now I’m dealing with a lot of stuff I don’t want to drag you into? Is that the truth?
Tell her, I hope our paths meet again in the future?
I don’t know… just to leave an opening.
If you do pursue her and decide that this woman can actually be a good thing for you and actually aid you in making changes in your life, then by all means, DON’T LET HER PAY FOR DATES. omg. Please! Letting her pay for the second date. BIG NO NO!
A gracious woman will always offer to pay for a date, but as the man, you want to show that you are a gentleman and will pay.
Even women who are not gold diggers appreciate when a man pays. Why is it this way? Not sure exactly but I know for sure that every woman appreciates a man who will be a good provider as instinctually she wants to raise her kids and work only as an option, not because she is forced to because her husband cannot support the family.
Not that marriage or kids is in the picture, but women instinctually process this even on early dates. You always hear women who hate leaving their babies at home. This fact will never change. A child is supposed to be with his mother. It’s just natural. And this leaves the man bearing the main responsibility of providing for the household.
So you paying for dates while you are dating… it’s just something to show a woman that you are a man who can provide for a family.
While we were just dating, my husband NEVER let me pay for a single date or meal or anything. Do you know how that made me feel? Like a queen. Even though I had a full time job and could pay my way, there’s still something in every woman that is impressed when a man pays for the bill.
If you can’t or aren’t able to pay for dates now, I would suggest you stop trying to date women. Otherwise you’re just taking them out only to turn them off when they end up paying for the date.
I dated a guy who let me pay for dates. Looking back on that experience, I realized it just didn’t sit right with me. I never voiced it to him, and looking back I wouldn’t change that fact, but a woman can’t help but wonder about men who let them pay for dates. Women want to be spoiled. And in return, a woman will spoil you back in ways that are not monetary. To be loved by a good woman is priceless, and it will lengthen your life and give you joy you never dreamed possible.
All of that immeasurable love, support, affection, is worth you dishing up the bill when you take her out on dates. A man needs regular sex, affection and someone to believe in him. Apart from that there is also something in a man that wants to feel needed. This need is fulfilled when a man feels confident that he can support a family. A good woman will not take advantage of this but will show her appreciation by loving you well. She is worth months or years of paying for meals. I promise.
If you try over again, just know that no woman wants to be pursued half-heartedly. The kiss on the cheek, letting her pay for the second date, you trying to “be smooth” reads, “I’m just not that into you. You’re not worth my effort or my paycheck.” So watch out. Be careful. If you’re going to pursue a woman, you gotta go all out otherwise with a mediocre pursuit you will get a mediocre/lukewarm response.
and know that some issues are better dealt with alone, some issues are better dealt with — with the support of a good woman. You need to analyze your life and decide which one is right for you. A good rule of thumb… if you are dealing with any addictions, better to get the support of a group or a professional and leave the woman out. If you are dealing with school or career issues, she can be a good support system. If you are dealing with family issues, she could be a good support system too. If you are dealing with financial issues, better to deal with it alone as you don’t want the extra burden of having to pay for dates on top of your financial issues. If you are dealing with past relationship hurts/dramas, she can help you learn to trust again.
Good luck!
@MidoriLei
hey, I haven’t totally processed your reply, but a BIG THANKS as you replied fast and WITH WISDOM; unlike most people. OK, I’m insane about this girl, like hoping that her image is burned out of my head, but it getting worse (not stalkerish lol). I think I can clear up some of my “intentions” of what has happened:
-she’s not a phone or text person, but always happy to see me in person (any meaning to this?)
-she isn’t into public display of affection (but when she told me this, I just smiled & moved closer to her to test what she really meant/wanted, she leaned in for a kiss!!, that’s when I knew I could kiss her, but opted for the cheek like a gentleman)
-i can pay for dates ALL the time, but she offered & thought she’d be taking advantage if I paid always (strange huh)
-the main reason I don’t see her is I had literally one thing after another go sour in my life (school, car died & still down, etc) so I can’t see her due to logistical reasons, but she IS WORTH every effort (it seems) to pursue. She is still 21, so, I didn’t wanna burden her w/ any of my issues.
-I know action speaks louder than words, but I’m on fire for this girl & didn’t mean to send a “not interested” vibe if I did. 360 opposite.
-I felt she wasn’t interested b/c of some non replies to texts I last sent, but our old phones had issues!!!
-weird thing is, I didn’t have these feeling until things in my life plummeted, so I wasn’t sure if it was her, or the lack of substance in my life masking as her.
Even going out w/ other women (when & if possible), I still want to see if the chemistry is there that I feel was there w/ her. Not using the other women, its just really I’m drawn to girl-1. All my friends tell me to go see her on my off day, but I haven’t made time from lab to go (taking the risk or have regret like mentioned before). I’ll take my chance in the current state of things as I just need to know where I stand w/ her & post and update, b/c if she really likes me, then she’ll be willing to wait for my life change as well. THANKS!!!
Hi Chad,
So relieved you are able and willing to pay for dates. Even if she tries to pay the bill or tries to make you feel bad (like it’s unfair), I would still pay for dates.
Some women truly just don’t like to communicate over the phone/text. I think that’s just a preference thing. I don’t think there’s any hidden meaning behind it.
I think since you are REALLY into this girl and she is worth it and you feel more for this girl than all the others, I think you should take the risk and tell her (in person) “You’ve been on my mind a lot.” You really have to say something like this to make up for the lukewarm vibe you’ve been giving her.
Who cares if your feelings came about because they were real (for her) or because sit was because your life went downhill! The point is you have feelings and you should act on them while they are propelling you.
You should go see her on your off day. You feel more resistance just because there is more at stake (you’re really into her) but if you don’t go, you’re automatically losing her. So why not take the risk?
Most people don’t have regrets over actions they go through with. Most of our regrets in life are the things we DON’T do.
There’s only one way to find out if she really likes you enough to wait for things in your life to change. Go talk to her. Tell her “You have been on my mind constantly these days, which is weird because we haven’t hung out that much. What is it you’re doing to me?”
continue…”Look, I don’t want to be a disappearing act. Right now I’m just going through some tough personal issues, but I promise I’ll be back to beg you for date three.” smile:) “Tell me I’m not wasting my time?” smile:)
That’s the slick way to find out if a girl likes you… but without being corny and asking it point blank: “I like you, do you like me?” (ehhh I cringe just writing that)
Guys think they are playing the game right by not showing their hand. The opposite is true. Women fall for guys when guys SHOW them all their cards. It shows confidence and honesty. It shows humility and desire. It shows you are courageous,brave, willing to take risks….
Just keep that in mind:)
So here’s the situation. I always was attracted to this girl in high school but never really approached her because well I’m shy. About a year ago just by chance we met up at a bar because of a mutual friend’s birthday. We had a lengthy conversation, and even pretty deep subject matter also…she almost exclusively talked to me and whenever her friend had something to say to her she told them she was busy talking to me! I know not to over value this one instance too much because it could’ve just been that I just happened to be there when she wanted someone to talk to or alcohol could’ve made her more open than usual (even though I didn’t see her drink a lot that night)…but I messaged her my number just to make myself available and she gave me her number in reply. She invited me to her birthday and I went…but didn’t really talk that much because it was at a club and a lot of her friends were around. I wanted to get to know her better maybe ask her out but I had other things going on in my life until recently although we texted a couple times since then. I invited her to a bbq with friends at my place and she said she had to work. Well I was out again recently and ran into her. We talked for a short time. Later on I texted her it was good seeing you and maybe we should go do something…i mentioned maybe running since I was out of shape and I remembered her telling me she liked to go running. She texted me back she would be up for it and she needed a running buddy. So I waited because I had some relatives in town for the week. But I texted her the other day how does wednesday sound, and she said she had to work. She does in fact work two jobs, but that would be the second time she’s turned me down and I am mostly the one who is texting her first. Like you mentioned above, if she was actually interested wouldn’t she probably try to make herself available, like say something like sorry can’t make it , but I’m free at this time…or something like that? Should I push it and ask what her schedule is…because I feel like if she was in fact not interested that would make things more uncomfortable…or should I just stop asking?
Hello MidoriLei,
I know what you mean about guys who want to be center of attention. That also turns me off, big time. These guys are the exact opposite of the shy guys, only this is also a problem with attracting a woman. There really aren’t many men who are successful attracting women, if you ask me, and it’s really not their fault most of the time either. I think it’s just that most of us (women included) are just so clueless about socializing with someone they are attracted to. It’s sort of an unwritten rule that you got to say and do 100 different things to attract someone before they will be attracted to you in return, and if you say or do something wrong in just one of those things, then you’re out. People will tell you to compliment a person you are interested in. They will say to participate in the same activities that the person likes. They will say to do most of that person’s chores for them. They will tell you to buy things for that person. I could go on and on. A lot of people will want to know what I’ve been smoking after I mention this, but what I have learned over the years is that you stand a better chance of having someone be attracted to you if you just don’t try to impress them. Yes, there are some women who are attracted to nice guys, but I think these are the minority. The thing is that these women recognize that when a shy guy gets all nervous around them, it’s because the guy likes them. You would be surprised at how many women don’t recognize this fact. To these women, a shy guy is just an annoying guy. It never occurs to them exactly why the guy is that way around them, but is sounds like you are one of the more intelligent women who don’t need to be hit upside the head to know what’s going on, and that’s why you are attracted to shy guys.
Hello MidoriLei,
I love how you say don’t give a f**ck about being rejected. With most people, that is a whole lot easier said than done. If being rejected doesn’t make you feel like a fool, or feel disappointment, or feel like there must be something wrong with you, not to mention being once bitten twice shy the next time you are attracted to someone. In fact, this is why so many are so shy, because they ARE once bitten twice shy. No doubt that’s probably where that phrase came from. If you are one of the very, very, very few who don’t feel some or all of these things when you get rejected, then you are a better person than most.
Help!!!!! I am a highschool kid and I go ice skating every Friday at our local ice arena and alot of good looking girls my age are their as well. I really would like to get to know them better, and am looking for some words of wisdom. Here are some things about me so you can understandthe whole situation… I am considered good-looking, I can skate well, I am smart (IQ of 157), I go to a different school than all of them, I play varsity lacrosse, I have a phone so I can get their numbers, they all skate in packs, I skate with 1 or 2 friends who are guys, I am nice, I’m not funny so jokes won’t work. Please help me with recognizing signal of them liking me before I approach them and after I approach them, what to say to her, how to get her to know I like her, how to strike up conversation. Any help would be much ablidged .
so here is mine situation. Im 18 and graduating soon. theres this girl in my school that I have a crush on. We only talked on twitter and I want to ask her out but I dont know how. I dont know whether shes single or attached. :/ hope for me?
hi, so here is mine situation. Im 5’6″ tall and I like this beautiful girl whos around 6’2″. I really like her and wonder if I should talk to her and maybe ask her out. the problem right now is height difference. as you know most girls wont date shorter guys as the feel giant-like or insecure.
I am a university grad student. There’s a lot of construction work going on in the building. I’ve bumped into a construction worker quite a number of times (only noticed him 1 month ago) and I always catch him staring at me whenever we crossed paths. We keep constant eye contact until I break it. Recently, the eye contact has become more prolonged, and we both started smiling at each other.When I walked past the other day he said hello. He’s very soft spoken and always lets me past first whenever we bumped into each other. Is he just really friendly or is he a bit interested? I hope he does not feel intimidated by me because of what I’m doing. I think he is avery nice guy and would like to get to know him more.
Hi Chris,
There’s no way you can tell if she is interested by what you’ve mentioned. I say ask her out on a “date” using the word “date” so you don’t drive yourself directly into the friend zone. By asking her out to a public bbq with friends, and her asking you out to her birthday party, you’re already starting off around friends… that does not sound romantic or non-platonic at all. You have to get her alone and out on a proper date. Don’t ask her what her schedule is, that is too stalkerish at this point. Just ask her out on a date. Women don’t get excited over just “hanging out.” They make time for, get excited about and get dolled up for a “date.” The bbq, the birthday party, and then exercise “buddies?” These clearly set the stage to “just be friends.” You need to make a bolder move and stop asking her to things that sound too “buddy buddy.”
Next time you see her, tell her you want to take her out on a date, a nice dinner. Tell her she works so much and she deserves to have a relaxing night out on the town. You gotta wine and dine her:)
Later on the buddy activities and public meetings with friends will be appropriate, but right now you have to make it clear that romance is your intention, not friendship, and it’s really hard to get to know someone romantically with other people around or while your huffing away pounding the pavement.
Good luck!
Misato Katsuragi
I think you have a point as far as not trying to impress women. I think that method works well because it shows you are confident. I never advise men to do a woman’s chores or to buy things for a woman, NOT until the woman has already agreed to dating the man. I think that most shy guys come off as insecure only when they wait too long to make a move (asking the woman out) The longer a man waits, the more insecure he looks. If he just comes out and says what he wants, it shows that he’s not trying to impress her. It shows he is putting it out there: “take it or leave it.” and that is attractive.
Misato Katsuragi
I think at the heart of rejection, it does initially make you feel like a fool and makes you feel disappointed. Initially you may question if there is something wrong with you. These are all expected reactions. But after that, I think a guy needs to look at the facts and not think about these feelings. The fact is that women, just like men, are attracted to some and not to others. The fact is you are not a fool if you are going after someone you find attractive. What is foolish about that? Feeling foolish is just a feeling. The facts are different. You “feel” disappointed. Again another feeling. The fact is that dating is a numbers game and you will only be disappointed for a long time if you dwell on the disappointment and think this girl was everything you ever wanted and you can never meet another great woman again. Again, that is not true. It’s just a feeling. The fact is that there are millions of women and you will meet another great one. You feel like something must be wrong with you, but that again is just a feeling. Something is wrong with everyone, and so that doesn’t make you any different from everyone else. The point is that you were not rejected based on what was wrong with you, but rather based on some inconsequential shallow, fickle reasons the woman has in mind. Just as one man might only date women who are tall, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with all the short women. I am not a better person than most when it comes to rejection, that is why I tell women NOT to approach men. I believe that women should be protected from this and that men should go out there and take the risk.
It may seem unfair that I feel this way, but I believe that having a wife is one of life’s greatest gifts. Any man will tell you that a good wife is priceless and worth all the effort in finding one. A husband is also a gift, but not in the same way as a wife. See, I am a Christian and I believe that Eve was made for Adam, to be a helper to him in life. And because of this, I believe that the man should work for the woman and go through the process of rejection. It is the battle scars he obtains in the name of receiving the gift of having a woman to call his wife.
I don’t think that saying a woman should never make the first move makes you look unfair. I think it just makes you look ‘old fashioned’. =D I used to think the same thing, and I am a bit old fashioned as well, but my veiw on that has changed. I think a woman should approach a guy if she wants to, for several reason. Number one, didn’t we go through women’s lib already in the 70’s and demanded to be treated exactly like men? Number two, it’s hard enough finding mr. or miss right, and to make it twice as hard as it already is by saying half the population should not go after someone they are interested in doesn’t help any. Number three, keeping half the population from ever approaching the other half greatly increases your odds of hooking up with the wrong person or just ending up alone altogether. Case in point: The person I now consider my soulmate ( and I have never thought this before in any of my other relationships ) did approach me, so it was like you thought it should be, the man approached the woman. But, consider this. This particular person I never even considered my type until after he asked me out and I said ‘why not’, and found so much too him that I never would have guessed existed. If the roles were reversed, and we were the same type of people we are now, just the opposite sex, and I was the guy, I would never have asked him out and I would have missed out on the best thing that’s happened to me if he then wasn’t able ask me out because he was now a woman. I used to think the same thing as you until I really thought about it one day, so I know were you are coming from, but I think that’s one old fashioned view that’s not good just because it is old fashioned. =D
Ryder,
you said:
Please help me with recognizing signal of them liking me before I approach them and after I approach them, what to say to her, how to get her to know I like her, how to strike up conversation
I say:
It’s really hard to tell if a girl likes you unless you ask her out and she says yes or no. or you ask for her number and she says yes or no. It’s also hard to approach a girl if she is in a pack. You definitely want to get away from your guy friends when you approach the girl. First you want to get a lot of eye contact. Smile a lot. If she smiles back that’s a good sign. Come up to her and tell her something like, “You skate really well… How long have you been skating? Where did you learn? who taught you?” THe point is to just get small talk going so she starts warming up to you. and the way to get her to know you like her is to ask for her number. Tell her, hey, this isn’t the most conducive place to have a conversation, can I get your number and call you sometime?
also, compliments are HUGE. Tell her you think she has the most beautiful smile… etc…
Ask her out on a date over the phone.
If you’re having a hard time finding the right time to approach her, if she ever falls while she’s skating, be her knight in shining armor and get your butt over to help her before anyone else does even if you’re on the other side of the rink:)
IMPOSSIBRU…
does her status not say single on FB?
Ask her for her number on facebook. When she asks why, tell her because you want to be a proper gentleman and not have to ask her out on a date over FB. You at least want her to hear your voice:)
Ron,
Don’t psyche yourself out. The only way to know if she’s one of those girls who won’t date shorter guys is to go after her. I mean look at Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. He’s way shorter than her. She doesn’t seem to mind. There are more couples these days where height is a non-issue. Don’t make it an issue unless it is, and the only way to find out is if you ask her out. Don’t even mention the height difference.
Come up to her and tell her, “Do you know that I think you’re amazing and beautiful?” just to catch her off guard. then continue. “let me take you out to dinner” and smile confidently.
the fact that you don’t care about the height difference shows you are confident:) man enough to not let that get to you. many men couldn’t handle it! She probably gets less men hitting on her just for that fact! don’t be one of the guys who let’s go of a great opportunity because of something so insignificant.
good luck!
Emma,
he sounds interested but you never know… to help him out… next time you bump into him, just tease him if you dare:)
“So are you gonna ask me out or are we just going to play this little game?” and stop for a minute to see how he responds and if nothing comes out of it… just laugh and walk away and say, “have a good day!”
It encourages him, gives him a BIG hint you’re interested WITHOUT taking away his responsibility to make the move of asking you out.
good luck!
Misato,
I am guilty of being old fashioned. I guess that’s the whole reason why I’m writing this blog, to bring back traditional views of dating and marriage. I don’t take offense to that and I guess I can give you my take on why I feel this way and we can just agree to disagree.
Even though we went through women’s lib, I don’t want to be treated exactly like a man. I love a gentleman who opens my doors and lets me walk in first. (my husband always opens my car door) I like to be treated with more care and courtesy just because I’m a woman. I want my man to hold my umbrella, offer to carry my bags and treat me like a lady. By treating me like a lady, he is in fact treating me differently than he would treat a man. And in this sense, it kind of goes along with why I think men should take the risk in approaching women. For one, if you ask any woman (even if they would like the option of asking men out) I bet you 100% of the time that the woman would PREFER that a man ask her out and not the other way around. It is another way that men treat women with courtesy and respect, by taking on the role of pursuer and of risk taker, thus protecting a woman from rejection.
It is hard to find mr/mrs. right, but I actually will disagree that giving the role of pursuer to both parties makes it any easier. My example is when a woman gives a man her number and he takes her number as well. This does not make the process any easier. In fact, BECAUSE now both have the option to call, neither one wants to take that first step. They are both expecting the other to make the move, wanting to not appear desperate. You see, when roles are confused, that does not make things easier, it actually makes the process more ambiguous, as to who is supposed to do what. It makes it more confusing and in turn more difficult.
Actually, I believe that keeping half the population (the women) from approaching the other half of the population (the men) actually does more good than harm. Why? Because it causes men to be more assertive and aggressive with pursuing women. Given the option to not have to pursue a woman, a man will take the easy route. When women and men both do the pursuing it makes men more passive which in turn makes them LESS attractive. Passive men are unattractive as are aggressive women.
I wonder what your soulmate would say if you asked him what he would think of you if you pursued him…
And your example of your soulmate and you having different genders in a hypothetical world, well I just can’t explain hypotheticals. Because if you were in fact the guy and he was the woman and you were soulmates and belonged together, I believe you as the man would feel that innate drive to need to/have to/propelled to approach your soulmate because that is what men do. Men who have met the woman who has stolen their heart even at that first glance will feel that pull to pursue her. So in that hypothetical world you would talk of, even if you are saying that your soulmate is not your type (if the genders were reversed) you also have to consider that if you were a man, you wouldn’t be so picky. It is typically the women who have these types. Men usually go after women because something inside them propels them to, not because she is a certain type. But that is only the majority of men. I cannot speak for all men, but most of the ones I’ve talked to don’t have a “type.”
So again, I cannot really validate your example of a “hypothetical” world because if your genders were reversed that would change everything.
But again we can agree to disagree:)
I guess I worded some things wrong in my last post. I did not mean to make anyone think that if a woman picks up a man, instead of the other way around, then a man is free from being a gentleman. No where did I say that a man should not open a door for a lady, or make the lady pay for dinner, or not hold your umbrella, or any of that.
I think a man should still act like a man, but did you know that there are women who actually get offended my such gestures? So now a lot of men are afraid to approach a woman and this is one of the bad things that came out of women’s lib, but this is what us (not you or me personally) women demanded so this is what we get.
Personally, I don’t feel sorry for these kind of women who don’t have a significant other. In a way, I kind of feel sorry more for the man, even though that will probably make a lot of other women made at me.
If you came away thinking that I thought men were free of having to have manners and being a gentleman after reading my last post, I guess I could have worded my last response better. Sorry about that.
Hi again, since my last message, the first time we spoke, he told me about his family, his interests as well as asking about mine.Do guys whom you first meet usually have such deep conversations?
Emma,
It depends on the guy. Shy guys, not usually. Outgoing guys, definitely. It really shows nothing of romantic interest or lack thereof.
Some sales people are that outgoing and know details about my life within 5 minutes so I wouldn’t use that as a gauge of whether or not he likes you.
You will know if he likes you romantically for sure only if he asks you out or asks for your number. Anything other than that, I wouldn’t take seriously. He probably finds you attractive based on all the staring he’s been doing but attraction doesn’t always translate for men into enough motivation to pursue a woman. “I’m attracted to you” doesn’t always translate into “I want to have a relationship or a date with you.” He may have a girlfriend or a wife for all you know. The point is, unless he makes a clear move (asks you out or asks for your number) I wouldn’t get your hopes up.
Hi!
So i met this girl at a nearby shoppin centre and my friend whom i was with shopped at the store she was workin in. So i noticed her when my friend picked out an outfit she liked and I made a casual joke about her and this girl laughed. She was extremely cute and she kept on laughing at every whimsy joke i made towards my friend. So after my friend bought her stuff I said goodbye her to in the most lamest manner possible by saying “Since my friend bought stuff from you the next time you see us you have to say hi!”. She gave a shy Okay and said goodbye. My friend looks and is way older than me so there’s definitely no chance that the girl thinks she’s my girlfriend. Do you think she’s at least a tad bit into me?
Jack,
There’s a possible chance she is, especially since most women will rank humor as one of the biggest turn ons. There’s no way to know for sure unless you throw out a “feeler” like I mentioned in my post or ask her out/ask for her number.
Good luck!
Misato,
You came across clear in your previous comment, no need for apologies. I just wanted to point out that having what we call “gentlemen” in our society means that we are not “treated exactly like men.” I think women’s lib wasn’t to so we would be treated exactly like men, but rather that we would have equality with men. I don’t think that means that our roles are the same. I think it’s possible for men and women to have different roles but still have equality. And I think it’s the man’s role to pursue the woman and the woman’s role to respond. But again, we can agree to disagree.
Hi,
So, a girl and her friend sat next to me at church. I didn’t think anything of it until we both looked at each other and smiled. She is very pretty, but I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself or talk to her after church. I can’t stop thinking about her now, but I don’t know if I will see her again. I happened to find her on facebook, and we have a couple of mutual friends. Should I add her on facebook or hope that I will see her again? If I do get the opportunity how should I approach her?
Al,
Don’t take the passive role in any part of your life, especially when it comes to women. Hoping you will see her again is just taking the passive role.
I would add her on facebook and tell her up front: “I never had a chance to introduce myself at church when you were in the other day and I haven’t been able to get your smile off my mind. I hope this isn’t too forward, me finding you on facebook, but I’d love to take you out to dinner sometime.”
Go BIG or go home:) I know you’re reading this probably thinking, WOW that is TOO forward. But the way to win over a woman is to pursue her assertively and not timidly.
You can read about that here:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/a-lesson-for-men-the-kind-of-men-women-fall-in-love-with_1138/
also read the article about how women like a hunter (at the bottom of that article)
If you do see her again, I would say something like, “I am so glad you’re back. I never got the chance to introduce myself last time you were here. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about your smile.”
You will make her uncomfortable, just expect that. But inside she is very flattered and possibly even interested!
Keep going and say, “Can I take you out to dinner sometime?”
Thanks for posting this. I guess I am caught up reading so you got to post something new.
Hi,
So i had a decent conversation with a girl i met in a club. She was real easy to talk to and conversation flowed well. She gave me hints she’s interested because after telling her my nationality she’d say things like “oh, i thought you were that because you’re way too good looking to be xxxxxx (nationality)”.
However when she was leaving i told her i’d really like to see her again sometime for lunch or something, if she’s up for it. She said yeah we’ll meet up after work for drinks or something. I said OK what’s your number? But she said “oh, i’ll take YOUR number”, and she put my number in her phone.
Does that mean she’s NOT interested?
K,
not necessarily. It just means she likes to take the reigns and if you happen to be a psycho she doesn’t have to worry about having to change her number! LOL, it’s just something women do to protect their privacy.
She sounds like she is interested in you in terms of being attracted to you, but she didn’t give you her number because she doesn’t really know you enough to trust that you aren’t some possessive crazy person.
Nothing personal:)
Hi MidoriLei,
I like a female colleague at work. We’ve been Facebook friends for several months. She’s been quite friendly and responsive. I chat up with her a few times at work.
Recently, i asked her out. I tried to take one step higher and ask for her number too. She gave me a straight ‘NO’ and told me it’s too early.
Barely a week after, she blocked me off Facebook. I can’t be sure that she did it because of me or she was focusing on her exams. (She’s taking a part-time degree). Sure, I was devastated. She looked cold whenever i seen her at work. I didn’t dare to approach her.
A couple of weeks later, she came back from her study leave. All of a sudden she’s in my Facebook friends list again and she did ‘poked’ me first. We chat on FB and I asked her what happened. She didn’t give me a direct answer.
Just 2 days back, she smiled at me and gave me this lingering look in her eyes. MidoriLei, what should i do? Should i ask her out again or just wait a bit longer?
Khai,
hmmm… kinda mixed signals, bipolar dating behavior! Women! lol. So, I think you should try to flirt with the idea of asking her out again. Say something like, “so, when are you going to let me take you out on a date, already?” You gotta say it confidently and flirtatiously, in a way that says, “I really want you but I don’t care if you say no.” I know, kinda hard to do… but that’s the message you want to get across.
(It’s been like three weeks since her initial “No, it’s too early” response right? You’ll know by her reaction (if she smiles, it’s a good sign) (if she looks nervous and afraid or changes the subject, you know it’s a bad sign).
Let me what happens!
I don’t know if you are still on this page butni seen this girl at a local store and I asked her out today and she said no but she said she would have if she didn’t have a boyfriend. What should I do??? Please help
James, you should not pursue her and respect that she is in a relationship. But, it doesn’t hurt to give her your number and tell her, “Well, if it ever doesn’t work out with you and your boyfriend, give me a call. I’m sad that the timing is wrong, but I don’t want to lose this opportunity in case I get a chance in the future.”
Hi MidorLei,
I worked with this lady a few years back and we shared a casual lunch. Nothing came of it as we she was in a relationship and I was on/off one too at the time just talking about work and our backgrounds, although I thought she was attractive. I moved to another job and she did too. Recently she asked if I would like to take her out for another lunch and I agreed and we found out we were both single. I had a great time with her and we shared laughs together. Talking about her ex, I felt how sad she was and I tried comforting her by holding her shoulder but she immediately felt uncomfortable saying she is not ready for that yet and it wasn’t me but her. We still shared laughs afterwards but I was a bit worried by her reaction. We left on a good note but I want to ask her out again as I really did have an great time with her and want to see her again. I don’t know if she was just looking to catchup or she maybe liked me (she broke up 2 months before letting me know she would like to hangout again). What is your advice on this? Should I ask her to something casual or serious or should I not ask her out at all since she felt uncomfortable in our previous outing and I dont want to lose a possibly good friend. BTW Its been a week since our last outing.
Thanks.
Dez,
Ask her out again on a date and tell her that you are interested in her romantically, but that you’re willing to take things slow and you don’t want to rush anything. I’m hopeful for you since she did ask you out for lunch and she also said she’s not ready for that “yet” which means she could possibly be open to it later.
Make it casual and not serious, but also make it clear that you are interested in her romantically. By doing this, you might possibly lose a good friend if it makes her uncomfortable that you’re interested in her romantically, but at the same time, if it does work out, it will be worth the risk. Ask yourself, do you value her friendship more or the possibility of romance?
Hi MidoriLei,
I met a woman at a Christmas party and we seemed to hit it off. We exchanged email addresses and I asked her to lunch a week or so later. She declined, stating she was busy on the day in question, but she didn’t suggest an alternative day. I’m of the opinion that if a woman doesn’t make a “counter offer”, so to speak, she’s not interested. What do you think? Should I give it a second shot?
Devo,
Always give it a second shot, a third, a fourth. Women hardly are ever initially interested unless she is automatically drawn to you physically because you are her “type.” It’s a man’s job to make her interested:) When it comes to pursuing women, it’s about persistence and repetition. Part of her attraction comes from your pursuit.
I write about that briefly here:
A Lesson for Men: The Kind of Men Women Fall in Love With
well heres my situation, theres this one girl in my gym/tech class at my high school. i talk to her sometimes, but usually when one of my friends is with her. she is also friends with my friend. well recently, one of my closest friends told her i like her, and she isnt talking to me as much as before. i dont kno what to do but all my friends are telling me to ask her out. i have her phone number too. please help with this. sometimes ill catch her looking at me or she’ll be like “waiting” for me to look at her. i cant really go anywhere with her because im super busy with baseball and other activities. we barely spend alone time because she likes to be with a group of people or with some of my friends. i need help please!
baseball26,
I think the most confident (read:sexy) thing you can do is to just talk about the elephant in the room. I DARE you to just go up to her one day (pull her aside if she is in public by asking her, “Hey can I talk to you for a minute?”)
Then when you have her alone, tell her, “So, there’s this rumor going around that I like you.” Smile confidently. Pause. Let the tension build a little. Then say, “Do you think it’s true?” Of course gauge your response based on how she reacts, but make sure it’s confident, even if you don’t get a positive response. It’s just like you’re flirting/teasing. If she looks nervous, ask her point blank: “Do I make you nervous?”
Do you think you can pull this off? 🙂
Hi MidoriLei,
I am in my early 30’s and there is a girl (stranger, never spoken to her) I’m interested in. However I think she is only 19/20. I’m worried she may have an issue with the age gap.
I’m a shy guy and I know I can’t pull of just going up to her and asking for her name and number. I think she might be shy as well, due to some of her actions.
I am worried she might be a ‘princess’ e.g she has custom license plates with what I believe is her (nick) name and year of birth, hence why I think she is only 19/20.
I am 99.9% certain of where she works, due to company uniform.
I only see her when we head to or from work (but not at all times) at the train station and on public transport (bus-train to work, train-bus home). I first noticed her a few months ago.
Normally I wouldn’t give any thought to strangers that young to be interested in me, especially one that I think could be a princess, however she may have shown signs that she is interested and she may have flirted with me, which has now made me interested in her. However I am not the best person at reading these kind of stuff and I’m horrible at acting on them.
She doesn’t seem the happiest person, again I am not the best person at reading these things. I don’t remember her ever giving me a smile when she has directly looked at me. She may have given me a smile, but an awkward one at best. We have exchanged eye contact numerous times, I have even caught her looking at me when imo she didn’t need to e.g getting off the bus. She has looked in my direction at least once when the bus pulled up, I was guessing to see if I would catch the same bus as her. I have at times caught the later bus. I can pick one or two trains to get to work, she did for a while pick the same train as me, but it was the later train so getting to work on time might be a bit of an issue for her. The earlier train is also more packed hardly a good opportunity for me to talk to her.
She has parked near me on a few occasions. There is plenty of free spaces to park in. When I first saw her she would always park in the same area which was opposite to where I would park. She only started parking near my area when I was working earlier shifts for a couple of weeks and I was able to pick a better place to park.
I normally park in a very specific areas, she has at times parked near me and a few days ago parked right next to me when she had the opportunity to park in a better position. Before that day I was on the earlier shifts (for a few weeks) and would only she her on the way home. However that day when she parked next to me was the day I was back to normal shifts, so she wouldn’t see me on the way home. I kind of got the feeling she picked that spot so I could talk to her on the way home.
However the next day she took the better position when it was available to park. At the station on the way to work I was standing at one end of the bench and she stood at the other end. We exchanged eye contact a few times. The bus pulls up and I wasn’t sure I wanted to catch that bus, however she caught it so I decided to catch it as well. She was sitting on the opposite aisle to me but to the back of the bus so I was able to see her face and vice versa. Someone sat next to her and she got out her phone and started listening to music. I am now having doubts that I have miss-read the situation and she doesn’t like me.
I know I should just man up and go speak to her, but I am afraid of rejection, or she won’t say anything to me if she is shy or she will embarrass me publicly. I’m also probably going to have to start catching earlier buses and trains to avoid her.
I was thinking of leaving her a note on her car with an email address, but an opportunity like that will probably not come up for a while without her catching me put a note on her car. I wouldn’t even know what to write.
Sorry for the long post, onto some questions:
1. In your opinion do you think a stranger that gives you constant eye contact is interested? We are talking about a couple of months of seeing each other.
2. If I gave her a genuine smile:
a. and she gave me a smile back she would be showing interest?
b. if she doesn’t give me a smile and\or looks away means she is not interested?
c. do you think this is worth giving a go?
3. Any particular line I could come up with to break the ice and just start chatting to her before asking for her number? I’m thinking I might need to talk to her a few days first.
4. Is there anyway I can show her genuine interest without going up to her and talking? Basically something that she will react to.
5. Do you think leaving her an unanimous note is a good idea? if so what should I write?
6. Any other advice?
RestCalm,
Here’s what to do:
Go up to her and say, “I see you often. I’m (you’re name). What’s your name? (her name), Do you mind me asking— how old you are? (she responds with her age) If she is 19/20– laugh. And say, “And to think I wanted to ask for your number. I’m nearly a decade older than you.” (see her reaction if positive or not) If positive, ask her out anyway! If negative, say, well (her name), I hope you have a great day. ‘
if she is older, still laugh, “And to think that I was too afraid to ask for your number because I thought you weren’t even in your twenties!” (again see her reaction if positive or not) If positive— well, since you are “of age” would it be so strange for a mysterious stranger to just come out and ask for your number? If not a positive reaction, you can always make your exit confidently “Well, you couldn’t say I didn’t try:) I hope you have a great day.”
and then just smile and walk away. If anything, you at least flattered her and made her smile. The longer you wait to do this (you’ve already waited too long so you need to act asap!) the more you will psyche yourself out. Smiles from teenage girls mean nothing. They could just be smiley girls. You have to take the risk to get a definite yes or no.
There’s really no way around that. Some girls just like to flatter themselves and look at guys and make them wonder. Some really are interested. There’s no way of telling unless you make the approach.
And your next question? For the possibility of love, it’s ALWAYS worth giving it a go! And if not for love, to challenge yourself to face your fear and to get out of your comfort zone!
NOOOOOO anonymous note! That is Stalkerish!!!! She will look at it, then look around scared. Who knows this is my car? Has someone been following me?
What do you mean by this?
Guys are most concerned with saying all the right things and being agreeable.
Alex what I mean is that guys automatically tend to approach the woman already giving her the power simply because she is beautiful. If your focus is on saying all the right things and being agreeable you’re basically putting your focus on trying to make her like you when in fact your focus should instead be giving her the opportunity to say yes to getting to know you and you getting to know her too. You see you are already giving her the green light in your mind when your focus is on being agreeable and saying all the right things when in reality SHE has to prove herself too! She has to show she is more than just a pretty face. By not focusing on being agreeable and saying all the right things you are sending the message that it’s an equal playing field. She is not the only one who can makes the decision of moving it forward or not. And all this makes you look more confident and less needy
Could you elaborate on the being agreeable part though?
Alex,
Being too agreeable is not having your own opinion, lying just because you want to show you share similar ideas/beliefs/view points, being afraid to be yourself, or just being afraid to have a different stance on any issue that comes up because you are too concerned with impressing a woman.
Hi MidorLei! I’ve read a ton of your responses on this site and it really looks like you know what you’re talking about c: . SO, if you’re still around, I have a situation I’d love some insight on. There’s this waitress at a restaurant I go to often that I am(was) crazy about. Really sweet, so so SO pretty, and we’re on pretty good speaking terms. She remembers me by name (most likely just because I’ve been there so often), used to draw cutesy faces on my take-out box etc. I probably talked to her a good 20 minutes or so every few days for the past 5-6 months. She smiles very often at me, says hi across the room if she’s too busy to talk, and her body language almost always shows that she’s interested in me
Last week I took the plunge and asked her if, by any chance she doesn’t have a boyfriend, would like to meet me for coffee. She said that she had just recently started seeing her boyfriend again, but would like to meet up anyways and gave me her number. I texted her that night, and got no response. I went in two days after, and asked her if she still wanted to meet or if she changed her mind and she basically ended up saying that she never recieved the text I sent her. I texted her again later that night, and she didn’t respond again. The day after she sent me a response, saying sorry that she was really tired and that’s why she didn’t respond. I said no problem, asked how she was, and got no response from that text either. Last night I sent yet another text simply saying “Hi, how are you?” and, yet again, got no response. This was all a course of the past week and a half, so I wasn’t being weird and texting her every day straight the past 4 days or anything.
I was really interested in this girl. Not looking for a relationship or a fling, I genuinely just wanted to take it slow and get to know her a little bit more. Maybe even stay in contact as friends. I thought about it a while and realized that maybe I need to respect the fact that she said she has a boyfriend and that I’m probably acting out of line. I deleted her from my contacts list last night to avoid pestering her anymore, and the whole thing just leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I’m so confused, because I was almost certain she was interested..I mean when I asked her out she didn’t say no thanks, or no I have a boyfriend, she said she was seeing someone BUT STILL would like to meet me, and even handed me her number! The food in this restaurant is so amazing lol, but I feel so dumb about the whole situation that I’m not sure if I could set a foot back in there. I even asked a couple girls there before if she was around, so I’m sure they’ll learn of the situation eventually.
I’m sorry for the really long post, but I wanted to paint a good picture so that maybe you could get a good idea of my situation. NOW the question: What do I do from here? Do I stay away from her, and just realize that maybe she was never interested in the first place? Did she gain strong feelings for her ex again, around the time I asked her out, and I just had the worst possible timing ever? (I really hope it’s not this one) Did she simply feel sorry for me, and “rejected” me in the nicest possible way without hurting my feelings (directly)?
Nick,
Don’t stay away from her in the restaurant setting. You don’t want to look like the guy who ran away because he didn’t get a text back. Don’t worry if she was/is interested. She definitely does have feelings for her ex because she turned him into her “boyfriend” again. (recently started seeing her boyfriend again) so it was most definitely bad timing. There’s no way from my end to tell you whether or not she just felt sorry for you and “rejected” you in the nicest way possible without hurting your feelings directly, but it doesn’t really look that way.
From what you’ve told me, the best possible conclusion I have is that she’s primarily interested in her ex (since she is dating him again) and just curious about you. She didn’t want to outright reject you because of her curiosity, but also doesn’t put you as any kind of priority since she is at the beginning stages with her boyfriend (again) You’re basically just a possibility she can “fall back on” in case it doesn’t work out with her ex (again).
Even though that’s just a guess, the one thing I do feel confident concluding is that THIS is not the kind of woman you can TRUST! I mean put yourself in her “boyfriend’s” shoes. If you were him and you were trying to work it out with her, how would you feel if you knew that she still had other guy’s numbers and still wanted to “meet up” with other guys who were obviously interested in her romantically? Or, how would you feel if she was the kind of woman who had to have a “fall back guy,” a guy on backup… a woman who didn’t have enough integrity to make a clean break before starting something up?
You may be crazy about her, she may be really sweet (charm is deceitful) and Gorgeous (and beauty is fleeting) but NOTHING beats a woman you can trust.
What do you suggest you do from here? Keep going to the restaurant if you want the food there, and treat her like nothing ever happened, like you never even got her number. Be friendly and cordial.If she asks about it, just tell her, “You know, I thought about it. You’re seeing somebody else. I want to respect that.”
When she hears that, she’s going to realize what she did (give her number and say she wanted to meet up) was something not respectable. (but it’s done in a way so that you aren’t being judgmental. You just want to do the right thing) And you know what? She will respect you sooooo much more. And she will think, “Wow this guy is different.” If anything, you’re going to be the guy she doesn’t forget.
By respecting the sanctity of monogamy, you are telling her that you’re not the kind of guy who would deal with that if YOU were in a relationship. It makes you more attractive if you don’t let a woman use you as a fall back guy. You want to be the only guy or not the guy at all.
So, I’m in my last year of high school, and while working at my part time job at McDonalds the other night, two guys came in to get dinner. After ordering from me they sat right near the counter, and the more attractive of the two would not stop staring at me, I thought he was pretty cute so I didn’t really mind. Anyway, later on he got up and tripped over a wet floor sign, which made me laugh and obviously embarrassed him a fair bit, but he was still smiling all the same.
Anyways, he came up later and just went out on a limb and said ‘hey, can I just grab a box of cookies and your number?’
Which really took me by suprise, it was completely unexpected and therefore I didn’t know what to say. The other girls on counter were all waiting to see what I’d say, and I just said ‘sorry I have a boyfriend’
But the thing is, I don’t have a boyfriend, and the real reason was that I don’t think we’re allowed to give our numbers out to customers, as cute as they may be. Anyways, now I can’t stop thinking about because I feel like I should have said something else and stuff. Has anyone else ever been in this situation?
Just a word of warning to guys out there, DO NOT be so quick and forward about things! She will not have time to think about it!
I think it would have been better if he’d of just written his number down and given it to me, at least then I could have time to think about it.
Jenna,
I want to encourage guys to be forward and quick about things, not shy away from that! Just because your first reaction to a cute guy was a straight out lie doesn’t mean that guys shouldn’t be forward. I LOVE his approach to you. If he would have given you his number, that would have been the COWARD’S approach– not even asking! And also making the girl make the move to call! Eh! Yuck!
Jenna, if you ever see him again, pull him aside, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” and do the sexy thing: very sneakily place in his hand a folded paper with your number on it and then whisper in his ear, “I don’t have a boyfriend.” Then walk away and smile coyly;)
This is your mess up and your mess to fix. (He may not be the kind of guy who will try twice) He already made the initial approach, which is why I am telling you to do the bold thing.
When he calls you, just tell him the real reason why you didn’t give out your number. (put on the spot, in front of coworkers, unsure if you were allowed to do it at work)
And guys— case in point. This is why you shouldn’t give up at the first sign of rejection or the first “no.” You never know what is going on. You should show your interest early and often. He should come back into the shop and say it again, “How about that number?” with a confident smile on his face.
Persistence is not rude. It is the mark of a man. It shows real confidence.
Hi this is Joel. I need a woman’s point of view on a issue…thanks please respond so I know your still available…thanks
Hi Joel,
I’m still available if you have any questions.
Thanks MidoriLei,
I am almost 100% positive she likes me.
I don’t think she cares about the age difference, because she seems to be doing the chasing. Again if I am reading things right.
I had a good chance to talk to her today but completely froze as there was too many people around.
I’m planning to talk to her tomorrow, because I am starting to go insane.
RestCalm, good luck! Go for it!
Today I was going to talk to her at the car park, however she didn’t show up (didn’t see her car, no way I missed it). So I catch the bus to the train station.
I get to the train station and I don’t see her anywhere. The train she normally catches goes and the train I normally catch pulls up. I start boarding the train, and I see her with a huge luggage case board the same carriage but via the other door. She had her head down and I didn’t catch a single glimpse from her my way. I didn’t approach her on the train, she didn’t look happy to me and I’m way to shy to approach her with people around.
The train pulls up to the station and I wanted to give it one last go to see her, but she was just about to leave the train and she didn’t look towards me once. I looked back at her a few times as I was leaving the station, she just kept her head down even when she was right behind me. Not once did I see her look forward towards me.
I left work early today, hoping for the best but her car was not at the car park.
I think it’s safe to say she is on leave and I probably won’t see her for a few weeks at best.
I only became 99.9% certain she liked me yesterday, she wore heavy red lipstick, which I have never seen or remember her do before. Today was simply too late. My anxieties got the better of me yesterday I think she picked up on that. Granted I should have spoken to her sooner however my shift times at work have been erratic the last 4 weeks.
I know you are huge on the guy approaching the girl first Midori, but if she really liked me she should have sat right next to me or approached me with a simple hi. If I have nothing to lose saying hi to her, surely she has nothing to lose herself?
There is no way known this girl didn’t know I was extremely shy. She might be shy herself, but she is more aggressive than me. I couldn’t know she was going on leave, she had far less to lose than me today or even yesterday with an approach. It’s all well and good to say the man should protect the woman’s ego but not every man can simply shake off a rejection or be aggressive enough to initiate the first contact.
With every rejection I get, not only does my ego go further down but so does the little confidence I have left. I simply can not approach a woman unless I am almost 100% certain she likes me. After what happened today and with every day that will no doubt come without seeing her, I will continue to be less sure if she ever liked me in the first place.
So now I am kicking myself for not approaching her. I feel bad for her if she is going on holiday feeling unhappy because of my actions.
I really hope I get to see her again and find out one way or another if she likes me.
RestCalm,
Here is how you gain confidence in approaching women: You have to understand that you are placing too much value on this woman merely because of the way she looks. In your eyes she is already flawless, perfect, and that is why it messes with your game. You have what many dating coaches call “oneitis.” It is where you are too into one girl, and I’ll add for no good reason other than the way she looks. Once you realize your “liking” of this particular person is really unfounded and that there is more to a good relationship than just the girl being hot, then you realize that when you approach her, she has something to prove. She has to prove that she is more than just a pretty face. You will be less likely to take rejection so hard because you realize that you don’t even know what this girl has going for her. She may be a psycho. She may laugh like a hyena. She may be a perpetual liar. She may be a gold digger only concerned with a man’s wallet. She may also be wonderful. But the point is that you have her on this pedestal that she does not deserve to be on until you know her better. That is why you feel like you have so much to lose, because you don’t see any of her flaws.
I do encourage women to say hello but not make any real indication of their interest. But the point is that it’s still the man’s job to pursue, no excuses. Because of my Christian orthodoxy, I believe that woman was created for man. Eve was created to be a “helper” to Adam. A wife is created to be a “helper” to her husband. A man who “finds” a wife finds a good thing and wins favor from God. And that is why I believe the man has to do the “finding.” Because in the end, it is for a man’s greatest benefit. If you look into all the studies of marriage, you will find that men benefit from marriage more than women do! You see, that goes hand in hand with what I’m trying to say. Men have to put in the hard work of pursuing the woman because they are the ones that benefit the most. Why should a woman also do the role of pursuing when she is the one needed to fulfill the man’s need for a companion? Adam was lonely even in paradise.
Okay, so if you don’t believe in the Christian orthodoxy or any of this stuff I’ve just said, my advice is really not for you. Just go back to my first point: You have to approach the woman not like she is perfect and you’re just dying to make her like you. Remember she has something to prove. All you are doing is creating an environment so that you are both able to find out if there is mutual attraction, both physical and internal. And this is another reason to pursue immediately and not wait. Because you have less time to make her this beautiful, perfect little angel in your head because you are hit with reality immediately. And when you do introduce yourself, if you realize that you’re not there just begging for her to like you, but you’re actually prequalifying her, making a discerning judgment call based on your interaction with her, then you will not feel so powerless, like she has all the power to make it move forward or not.
hi MidoriLei!
ok there’s this really pretty girl at office whom i just couldn’t get my eyes off. she probably noticed it so I laid off a bit. However a few days later i found her gazing at me a couple of times and would avert when i looked towards her. that’s when i came across your page and going by what you’ve been advising, i thought i should probably go talk to her..but she had this gf who is like always around..
so i pinged her, on the office communicator. i was a lil forward and started off like ‘ would you hold it against me if i asked you out for cofee’. but erm, just got a ‘do i know you’ and stuff in return.. on which i related a few things and said, you’ve probably caught me staring at you a couple of times. just wanted to sort out the awkwardness that I might’ve caused (yeah something i stole from one of your posts)
but again she goes on and says ‘am sorry, no hard feelings but am really busy right now. Sumthng like that and ends the convo. i concluded saying “sure none at all ..” 😐
Towards the end of the day i was going to the cafe and passed by her place. i was on the fone wen i met her eyes and she held the gaze soo long. i just gestured that i was the one who pinged her and went off. was in a bit of hurry!
now its been 2 or 3 weeks since. no communication, no going near her desk. i didn’t look much towards her either. and suddenly am noticing she’s been looking at me even more. recently bout 4 days back i crossed her in one of the corridors and we locked gazes for so long.. i just couldnt say anything!…managed a little smile and went of. i think i registered a smile as well. ok so time to take matters into hand again.
i pinged her and that was this friday .. i started off with ‘ still thaat busy?’ and she replied ‘lol yea lotsa work here.’ *relief!!* . Asked her a bit about her job and all, and went pretty good. i continued for a while then said, am really sleepy here, mind joining me for cofee in a while?. she said, she has quite a lot of work.. and wouldn’t be able to make it and stuf. i asked her a bit about her timings and a few things here and there and then said ‘ ok just one option in that case, cofee at 8.15’ (and then again *sigh* ) she says, she goes by the corporate transport that leaves at 8. and then before i can say a word she says ‘ok, iv a meeting to attend. talk to you later!’ i just managed ‘sure, you owe me this cofee thoh! cya’ … x|
Now what! am beginning to doubt the re-surfing of interest was just to make things a little comfortable… it might have seemed to her that i was deliberately avoiding her or something.
and even if not that what do i do? do i ping her again or just walk up to her in the cafe sometime. but the latter isn’t too possible as there’s someone always around her. and the first would be odd, as i have already initiated conversations twice! not to forget asked her for coffee twice! Seriously, need a lil advise here
n sorry for the long post, i just wanted you to get a hang of the complete picture..
Blue,
first off, what does, “ping” mean?
Blue,
No more ping invites until you’ve done the attraction phase. Read my last two posts on texting and apply it to your pings. If you’re going to do the in person thing, you can go straight into the asking out if you feel like the vibe is right with banter and flirting.
This is why she keeps saying no to your advances. Take it from a woman’s point of view:
Because you removed the face to face interaction, it really limited the ability to create the attraction phase (because it is minus the body language and tonality etc– you’re only working with the 7% of what actually gets communicated, which is just words…) and coming from a woman, it just feels weird to get asked out by a stranger via text (in your case ping) It feels more like you have a stalker because you never asked if you could get her number, you know? All of a sudden she’s getting asked out by a person she has never met. It seems also very timid and (sorry) creepy because you introduced yourself via ping (like you’re hiding) but also asked her out at the same time.(being forward)
Do you see the disconnect?
Okay, now that she knows who you are, it’s time to amp up the flirtation, joking and light banter so it increases her level of comfort and trust– and attraction. You might think she’s staring at you in the hallways, but what could be happening is that she’s feeling uncomfortable because she thinks you’re staring at her! Let me ask you, in these moments where you guys are staring at each other, does she smile? If she does, that’s a good sign. If she doesn’t that’s not a good sign.
No personal questions or informational pings. Just joking stuff. It’s gotta be light banter. That builds the attraction. And the more of this you can do in person, the better. Nothing wrong with light banter with other people around.
Then when you’re conversing in this way, you can bring up, “so how about that coffee date?” Do you see that it’s much more confident and convincing than, “still that busy?” That remark assumes the rejection and assumes she’s too busy for you. It’s timid and assumes the negative (that she’s busy). It also feels like you’re begging. My suggestion shows confidence that she will say yes.
light banter can be pointing something funny at work. or telling her to watch you before you do something funny. Get creative. Again, read my last two posts on how to text women:)
Sorry if this comment was a little too blunt, but I think better to hear it straight up so you can make your adjustments and understand what’s going on.
haha ping as in the chat on facebook..so pinging someone means using the internal office communicator to chat with sumone
Hi MidoriLei,
I met this girl in the condo building where I live, and she works as a receptionist at the lobby. We first met about a month ago while I happened to pass by the lobby during her shift. We talked a while and I asked her out for a date which she agreed. We had dinner and I felt it turned out alright, but I’m pessimistic when it comes to dates and I’m always worried that I would end up either being a boring date or someone that could never spark and maintain the interest of a woman. I always feel like I say things I shouldn’t have said, or I don’t say the things I should have said. Anyway, after our first date we did go out again and this time we watched a show and had dinner. I thought it turned out ok, I took her home that night, and we both agreed to go out again, maybe to watch another show or exhibit. But since then, every time I would ask if she’s available, she would say that she is busy because of her schedule, which is reasonable because I know they have been understaffed and she recently has been made to work several night shifts, including graveyard shifts. She then told me that her schedule should return to normal again soon since they hired someone. However, this was about 2 weeks ago and lately I have noticed that she would not always respond to my texts, such as my “how are you” messages or texts asking her if she is available to go out or if her schedule is getting better. If she does respond, it’s usually after a day or sometimes even several days after I text, and she would just sort of repeat what I ask, such as asking me how I am, etc. I feel like she’s trying to avoid me but she still wants to be polite, and at the same time I don’t want to sound too needy or pushy or even stalkerish by constantly asking her out or texting her. I’m thinking of just asking her bluntly if she is still interested in going out with me because I also think I deserve to know how she honestly feels, so that I can move on and hopefully find someone else to date, don’t you think? I really like this girl but I don’t really know if she’s into me the same way I am into her. If she was still interested, don’t you think she should at least have shown more signs of interest like texting me or letting me know that she still wants to go out sometime, even if it means waiting a few more days or weeks because of her schedule? Or am I just hoping too much and not reading enough between the lines, and therefore pursuing something that is actually futile? how long do you think it should be between a last meeting or conversation with someone before one can reasonably say that there is no longer a mutual interest between the two parties? Someone told me that I’m not aggressive enough even though I try to be, but am I just being blind to the reality of the situation? Or should I be more patient and wait, because for all I know she might just be “testing” my determination, and playing hard to get? Or maybe she’s interested in or dating other guys?
Thanks for all your tips and advices.
Jimmy
Hi Jimmy,
Please read my last two posts on how to text women. This will help you build the attraction phase in your communications with this woman. The “how are you” texting interactions are just plain boring. sorry:( As the articles point out, texting is only to build attraction through light banter, flirting and to move towards a meet up. Other than that, it’s not for being personal, or informational. (until you’re in an exclusive relationship)
Sounds like you’re able to get things going pretty nicely, securing two dates. Congrats! That’s huge!
The first thing you need to work on is the belief you have in yourself. If you truly believe that you don’t have what it takes to keep women interested, or if you think you are boring women, then indeed it will be a self fulfilling prophecy. Nothing will change if your mindset does not change.
Remember to look at it from the point of view of an outgoing woman. I am an outgoing woman. I am annoyed at the guy who wants to be the center of attention! I like to be the center of attention! I love that my husband is quiet. I love to talk, he loves to listen.
As long as you’re a good listener and you know how to engage in conversation by being interested in what she has to say, then no body will ever call you boring. Outgoing types will want to go out with you over and over and over again because outgoing types love to talk about themselves.
Change your frame of thinking. Instead of thinking She’ll find me boring, think, She’ll find me refreshingly laid back.
If you don’t approve of yourself, nobody else will. I wrote about that here: It’s all in Your Head.
I think you will highly benefit from reading and digesting that article. Remember second guessing, worrying, being anxious: these traits are not becoming of a man. And even if you don’t say these things, your mindset will communicate them to the woman you’re trying to pursue. Confidence makes a man sexy. You can read about how to build confidence here.
Here’s another one: Are you Confident in Your Ability to Maintain a Woman’s Interest Long Term?
There is a wealth of information.
Maybe you say things you shouldn’t have said, or you don’t say the things you should have said, but either way, as long as you know you have good intentions, don’t beat yourself up about it! A woman will look past the words or the lack of words and see the sincerity of your heart. Women aren’t looking for Mr. Perfect. We want immeasurably flawed companionship. When you realize the point isn’t to be perfect and we all (eh, the majority of people at least) just want the end goal of being completely known and still completely loved, then you will take the pressure off.
I don’t think she has to blatantly tell you if she’s interested or not. I also don’t think making her tell you if she’s interested or not is the way to go. It will come across as demanding and off putting. Lack of communication and silence is another way of saying no. It’s not the preferred method, but the method many people take, unfortunately.
I also don’t think that you have to wait around for her before you start seeing someone else or pursuing other women. You are not exclusive, and pursuing other women will help you not come across as needy. No woman really can make a claim on a man unless they have both agreed to be exclusive. So even to help you with your interactions with this woman, I suggest you do pursue other women.
What’s wrong with pursuing her and other women at the same time until there is clear exclusive mutual interest?
In your interactions with her, instead of just dealing with logistics, (when is she available?) you have to throw in desire. In person, tell her you miss her. Tell her you saw something or smelled a perfume that reminded you of her. You don’t want your pursuit to be aggressive, but assertive. And what you want to “assert” is desire and and not need. I’ve written several articles about this. Here’s one:
Lesson For Men: The Kind of Men Women Fall in Love With
Lastly, don’t worry about what she may or may not be trying to do or say (is she playing hard to get? is she being polite?) Stress comes from worrying about what you can’t control. You have to focus on what you can control, and that is your approach and your mindset.
“Stress is the perceived sense that you are not in control”
That’s plenty to take in!
Good luck!
Hey all, so Saturday i went to a dub step concert and was dancing with this gorgeous girl for hours and we were making out pretty much the entire time. At the end of the night she gives me her email (doesn’t have a phone(who doesn’t have a phone i thought she was letting me down easy)) and tells me to add her up on Facebook and tells me she had a great time with me. So the next day I add her on Facebook and am talking to her today. I really would like to see her again, but I don’t know if it was a one time thing or not. What should I do???
Marco,
You should ask her out on a date! Can she be any clearer that she’s interested?
Seriously Marco, can it get any clearer? Short of her spelling it out saying, “I’m interested!!!” she could not be any clearer.
i need it quick Midorilei! it’ll all die down if i wait any longer :/
Cheers MidoriLei,
I just need to find my confidence to approach this woman.
RC.
RestCalm,
exactly:) good luck!
Thanks, MidoriLei. You are so correct and everything you said makes perfect sense. I just wish I had found your column and read all your tips before I met this girl. Now I think it’s too late because she never replied since my last message to her, and looking back I realize now that I showed a lack of desire and probably was even too aggressive by repeatedly asking / texting her when she’s available to go out again. This must have put her off, I’m sure. I do like your advice about telling her about something that reminded me of her, and if I happen to “bump” into her again I might just do that. But do you think she would still be interested or if the situation is fixable? As you said, silence or no response means no, although sometimes I’d like to think that no response is still better than a flat out no because maybe, just maybe, it could mean that she’s still “thinking” about it. Oh well. I might as well just move on.
By the way, I could not find the last two posts you mentioned regarding how to text a woman, sorry. Maybe you could place a link for me on your next reply, if you don’t mind? I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks again, and more power to you!
Jimmy
Jimmy,
It’s never too late (until you see a wedding ring!) You’re right about silence being better than a flat out “no.” But both can be won over with persistence many times. If you’re really into this girl, it’s always worth keeping the bridges open, even if you’re pursuing other women. Here are the two articles on texting:
The Rules of Texting Women Part 1- Why and How
The Rules of Texting Women Part 2: Do You Have the Right Mindset?
Good luck!
Wow, reading over this thread was both interesting & enlightening.
Aa a woman, I am astounded at the varying degrees of wanting to
know a stranger but differing in approach. I found this by way of
searching for some information regarding my own recent encounter
with a stranger. I’m typically oblivious to people (unless in a social
environment specifically) when I am out and about, thus often missing
if there’s someone who’s interested. So, as some here have, I thought
I’d leave my situation here & see what some of you – guys and gals- think.
I was recently visiting a coffee establishment while on my way to another
destination. I was on a serious mission & rather frazzled when I walked in.
There were two people working but the guy barista waited on me. When
I asked him about the coffee I was looking for he advised they didn’t have it
And was out if stock. I had a few seconds to decide what to do (go somewhere
else?). Initially, I said ok and proceeded to back away from the counter in a decision
to go somewhere else. The guy/ barista asked if I was sure I didn’t want something
else. He proceeded to sell me on his “speciality”. I said ok and decided to stay. He
went to start making my coffee. Keep in mind that I was the only person at the
Counter and virtually the only one in the room. As he made the drink I played with & talked on the phone for a little bit. I would swear it felt he was listening to my conversation but it could have been me. Anyway, he finished the drink & handed it to me. I went to pay & he told me not to worry about it. I looked at him, got off the phone, and asked him if he was sure. He said yes. Intrigued, I said thank you. I asked him what type if coffee it was again. He said: “insert name” specialty. I started to button up my coat and he apologized for not having the coffee I wanted & commented that he only works during the weekend & had no idea what the other workers did during the week, why they didn’t re-stock. He also threw in something about me having a better day (didn’t even know I wasn’t having a good one – maybe b/c I was frazzled?). So, as I walked out, I called him by name & advised that I would return. So, there’s my experience in a shell. I was absolutely mesmerized but didn’t really think he was flirting until well after I’d left. So, what do you think? I don’t live in the area but travel to the area about once a month. I live a couple of hours away. I’ll be back in the area in a couple of weeks. I have no idea if he will even remember me or if he’ll be working that weekend. But I tell you, I an almost never mesmerized but was absolutely blown away by his attentiveness. Any thoughts? Is it all in
My head?
Djdiva,
Giving you coffee on the house? hmmm, might be something, might be nothing… I think if you go back and you interact more, especially if he remembers you, that’s a good sign, but it’s still no guarantee…
Hi MidoriLei,
An update since my last post:
I took your advices regarding texting and persistence and I think it might have paid off. After more than two weeks of no verbal communication and several days of no replys to my few “boring” texts, last night while I was at Starbucks I decided to text her in a kind of light and funny way. Knowing that she was working her nightshift at the condo lobby where I live, I texted her that I was reminded of her while in Starbucks and asked her if she would care for a caramel macchiato (her favorite drink) “to keep you awake at work.” I was bracing myself for a “polite reply” text from her, such as an excuse like “Oh, I already had one but thank you”, etc. I told myself that if that was the case, then I’d be better off just forgetting her and moving on. But to my surprise, she replied “that would be awesome thank you.” Then, already knowing that she likes her drink with no foam, I asked, “no foam, right?” to which she replied, “yes, you remembered. lol.” I eventually gave her her drink in the lobby when I arrived home and we had a chance to chat, but only for a short time because she was somewhat busy, and I didn’t want to keep bothering her that night. But she did seem real happy that I bought that drink for her. And I knew better this time not to be too aggressive by asking her out again. I’m thinking and hoping that by being a little more patient, she may eventually consider that third date we had planned previously when I do ask her in the near future. What do you think? And do you think she’s still interested?
By the way, thanks for all the tips regarding texting. I never realized texting women is like an art that requires practice and skill, and that it should be used mainly as a “tool” to help us reach our target or goal rather than the sole means, and if mastered correctly it can definitely make the process so much easier and less frustrating, and actually fun. I guess I still have a lot to study and learn 🙂
Jimmy
Jimmy,
That’s great that she took you on your offer for coffee:) Bravo for taking that step. I would still ask her out again, after more silly/non-serious/banter texts. Make sure you are making her smile over text before you ask her out again. She might still be interested since she took you on your offer for coffee… but that interest can grow more if you increase the banter texts. We all have a lot to study and learn:)
Hi Midori,
If a guy asks you what you’re doing tonight (Saturday night) in a casual way whilst making casual conversation, could that just be that he’s just making conversation without using “the feeler”?
Or if it was a feeler, could it be that he’s trying to see whether a girl has a bf or not, because if it’s a Saturday night, then most likely she’d be spending it with her bf.
What do you think?
Girl,
It could be either or neither. He could be using a “feeler,” and he could be trying to see if a girl has a boyfriend. But neither of these is a dead on guarantee that he’s interested. The only way to know if he’s truly interested is if the girl says she’s not doing anything, he proceeds to ask her out.
I remember walking up to a girl I liked at a public event……handed her my number and told her if she’s interested she could give me a call, and trust me….it worked….she rang me up after a week and form there we carried on…..We didnt even know each other’s names or any other details….I mean no conversation. I had the guts to do this because I saw she had been staring at me (I look good and drove a nice car down to the venue). I meet with girls everyday, I won’t waste my time on a girl who’s not interested in a date……I once used to get turned down by girls, now I turn them down and make them make the effort to get me……It’s fun….The only girl I wouldn’t give up on is the girl I choose to eventually marry….but I’m still 23!
spindle, you are young! Enjoy it:) I love your boldness and confidence in approaching women. Why do you think girls started looking at you differently? What in you changed? I’m sure other guys would love to know.
Hi MidoriLei,
The banter texts I think are progressing slowly. How do I know if she’s smiling? Also, do you think it’s still too early for me in the game to ask this particular lady out for dinner this coming Valentine’s day?
Jimmy,
it’s never too early. No woman wants to be alone on Valentine’s day. Let that work to your advantage:) You know if she’s smiling if you’re smiling when you read the text:) Has she been initiating any texts at all?
Hi MidoriLei,
I’ve really liked this for 3 years (yes 3 years) although it isn’t as straight forward as that. She came to the school where i work as a college student 3 years ago and we built up a friendship. I began to like her as more than a friend and thought she felt the same. On her last day I walked home with her, asked for her number (which she gave) and said we should meet up to which she responded yes for sure give me a text. So a few days later I did asking If she wanted to go out for something to eat. She never responded! A few days later we met by chance in a bar. She told me she didnt txt bk because she wanted to be just friends and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I said ok lets be friends and we spent the rest of the night together in the bar and shared a taxi home. In the bar I still got the feeling she liked me as more than a friend but I didn’t persue the matter. Anyway that was the end of that, we spoke a few times on facebook and through text and then seemed to lose touch. A few months later we met by chance again in a bar and spent a few hours together. A mutual friend who lives close by work said I should call round after work the next day which I did and surprise surprise the girl I liked was there. We chatted for a few hours then I walked her home. When we parted she said txt me and we’ll go out for a drink. Again I did and got no response! After that I only spoke to her once (as she worked as a cashier in local shop) and she served me 1 day. 2010 and 2011 went by and we didn’t see each other or speak and I’d put it all behind me. Then a few weeks ago she came back to school as a student teacher and all the feelings came back! Again we’ve chatted (this time more than last) and even being flirting. I still get the feeling she likes me more than a friend e.g. when we talk she sometimes gives good eye contact other times she’ll dart her eyes away; also she will touch me either put her hand on my shoulder/arm, brush up against me and twice when talking she has stood up close to me so much so our arms were touching for quite awhile. Either she’s a natural flirt or I’m rubbish at reading signals. Twice now I’ve put out what I’ve just learned to be a feeler in when she told me to have a good wkend on 2 consecutive friday’s I asked her what she was doing to which the first time she replied a few drinks tonight with my friend then after that nothing much and the second time (friday just gone) she said nothing just relaxing. I can see now from what I’ve just read on another site (about feelers) that this could have a being a strong signal for me to ask if she wanted to do something but because of what happend before I didn’t! Also I know through a third party that she has a boyfriend but I find it quite strange that in 4 weeks she hans’t mentioned him once to me when she’s spoken about her friends and her family! Also last week she told me she was talking to her mum about me (although to be fair her parents were friends with my parents around 20 yrs ago) but she told her parents 3 yrs ago whom she’d met up with (son of their friends). I didn’t ask what she was saying about me just that I hope’d it was all good! Anyway, what do you make of my situation! Should we remain just friends or do you think I should maybe attempt to take it further? Also what do you think about the way she is with me? Am I barking up the wrong the tree or do you think she likes me? Any advice would be very welcome! Thanks
I don’t advise men to remain or be friends with women they are romantically interested in…
Either attempt to take it further or don’t bother:( unless you don’t mind just being friends forever.
What do I think about the way she is with you? She’s a tease or you’re totally reading into the situation wrong:( She straight up told you she only likes you as a friend and didn’t want to hurt your feelings… not saying this hasn’t or doesn’t have the possibility of changing but it will never change if you don’t make moves on her constantly.
Make moves. If she declines then tell her you can only see her as more than a friend. You can decline friendship from a woman.
I’ve written several articles that you might find helpful:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/women-and-friendship-can-men-and-women-just-be-friends_2073/
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/what-to-do-when-she-says-i-just-want-to-be-friends_1655/http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/wordpress/wp-admin/edit-comments.php#comments-form
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/if-i-only-had-one-piece-of-advice-for-single-men_2481
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-number-one-mistake-nice-guys-make-and-what-you-can-learn-from-a-pick-up-artist_1822/
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/why-nice-guys-finish-last_1343/
I’m a female and one of the first things that stood out for me after reading Ben’s story is that he “texted” the girl he was interested in.
I’m the type of girl who has a lot of respect for myself and won’t ever throw
myself at a guy. So if a who I was interested in texted me out for a drink or whatever, I wouldn’t respond to the text because I expect him to call. I find that a guy should never text a girl he likes to make a first approach. If he doesn’t call, then tough luck. I naturally ASSUME that if a guy likes me enough, then he’d call – no matter what.
Guys – please always call a girl you like. Never text her.
Midori, do you agree or you’ve got different views?
Girl,
I agree that the first initial mode of contact after you meet a girl and ask for her number is to call her. After that, I think it’s okay to text. Thanks for sharing! I think a lot of guys will appreciate knowing what a girl likes more. Calling always shows that a man is taking more of a risk than texting.
Um hi, I know this might be a website for adults but I need help on one thing. Ok throught the school year I have noticed one classmate, a girl, who started staring at me, or looking idk which I forgot, in class. I didn’t notice at first but the first time I did I stared back to see what would happen and we held eye contct for more than 3 seconds. Anyways it has been hapening a lot and last week I saw her looking at me at lunch time and then she walked over. She first came close to me but only tied her sneaker, idk y, then went somewhere else. Later she again came to where I was and sat next to me. I, being the shy person, didn’t know what to do so I didn’t say anything even though I wanted to say something to her. A few minutes later she left and went back to where she came from, with her friends also mine, but started staring at me again. My question is what does this mean? and am I stupid or whatever for not doing anything?
Also I didn’t think of it before but I am starting to like her abit even thought we don’t know each other.
Thanks
juan,
It could mean she’s into you, or she thinks you have a staring problem, or she just likes looking at people. It could mean anything really. You aren’t stupid for not doing anything and it’s not too late. Don’t worry if she likes you or not, and don’t worry that you like her even if you don’t know her. All a man usually needs is that initial attraction. Read this and good luck!
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-number-one-mistake-nice-guys-make-and-what-you-can-learn-from-a-pick-up-artist_1822/
Hi MidoriLei.
I was wondering if you could shed some helpful light on my situation. I currently work In a shop/store behind the till. I’ve been there for about 2 years and every now and then there is a particular girl who, when she comes up to the till I just freeze.
It’s almost like my brain turns off and I turn into a vegetable.
I get the urge to talk to her, express a bit of my personality beyond the mundane blankness of my shop persona but I just can’t.
To make matters worst, working in a shop there is nearly always people around which makes it harder for me to talk to her. I feel i would embarrass myself not only in front of her but all the people behind her in the cue, especially if shes not interested.
What do you recommend I do? I don’t even know her name but I feel it would be too forward if I just asked what her name is, how do I fit that into a conversation? I’ve also considered slipping my number on some paper into her grocery bag, would this work or just be considered unusual?
Lastly as to whether or not she likes me, I’m not sure but lately she has been talking to me a bit differently. Her tone is more warm, less obliged friendliness and her body language just seems different.
Cheers.
Hi Aaron, check out this article I wrote:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/what-to-say-to-a-complete-stranger-when-you-approach-her_1878/
or this one:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/how-to-ask-out-a-girl-who-is-somewhat-a-stranger_1825/
You gotta get her away from everyone else by saying something like, “Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?” It’s NEVER too forward to ask a woman her name! How would anybody ever get to know a new person? That’s what you ask when you meet anyone and that’s what everybody does when they meet a new person. It is perfectly good and right.
DONT slip your number. It’s MUCH better to ask for her number and not give yours out. Here’s why: (also another helpful article)
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/how-to-approach-a-girl_290/
Good luck!
Midori
Hey MidoriLei,
thanks for the prev reply..yea i do see what you meant there. ok so i gave it a little rest, besides i had to attend to few affairs back at home so i wasn’t in office fr about two weeks. meanwhile a senior asked me for a lil info on a few company roles, and i decided to use it as a reason to chat her up again when i get back.
So I ‘pinged’ her this Thursday. Joked a bit, slight banter and it seemed fine. i asked her about her profile, she replied, asked me a few things about mine and i suggested we meet up. she agreed but said she was really busy and had bout 15 mins.. we met, turned out good.. i teased her a bit bout hw even the MD of the office isnt as busy as her and well had a good time. Later that evening i talked to her on the communicator and after a few things asked if they are as busy on saturdays as well.. she maybe got the hint, laughed a bit and said no they aren’t but well saturdays are occupied with other things u know with a teasing smiley. i said , yea prolly I’ll be booking an appointment for one of those evenings and could txt the details if she passed me her number. she laughed and said she cant as she has met me just once. so i suggested we meet again, and she said yes on another free thurday probably.something like that.
i happened to bump into her the next day in the cafe, had a brief convo, but was really not sure what to say. you really got to help me here.. as in, what do i say to her if i happen to meet her in the office cafeteria or somethng. as in in a brief setting. if you get what i mean, cuz i find it pretty awkward just saying ‘sup? how you doing and stuff’ it adds to nothing.
neways so i chat her up again that day and this is where i fucked up a bit(yea on the communicator again). i started off by saying something like u know thursday’s too damn far dont you think? she lafed a bit and said, and todays too damn busy..maybe we could keep it in between. i suggested saturday and she denied saying she had plans.. (thats when i began feeling i started off on the wrong foot, bloody pleading mode, did i? ) neways i had to continue, said its going to a loong week in that case. she again lafs (yea she lafs on the plus side) and says ‘long weekend’. i again blundered and said said no number before that.. she reiterated she doesnt know me as much(that was awkward!) and thats about it. that was this friday.
first of all, sry for all this first person convo detail, i just had to tell u every aspect
Second, office starts off monday. i feel i shouldnt ping her anymore and w8 fr a lil communication from her side ..is that correct?
third, what do i say to her if i run into her in office tom or day after?
Fourth .. well urgent!
Blue,
If you run into her briefly, compliment her! Tell her, “You look very beautiful today.” or “That color really brings out your smile.” or “You know it makes my day to see you smile. How’s your day going?” When you see her in the cafeteria, ask her, “What’s for lunch?” or ask her, “Let me treat you today.” Pay attention to her facial expression when you see her. “You look like you have a lot on your mind today. How’s everything going?” Or “you look like you won a million bucks. What’s going on?”
Or be silly and throw in some innuendo, some double entendres that are playful and show confidence. You gotta be bold to pull this off, something like, “You know, _______, we really should stop meeting like this.” (smile) It has to be kinda provocative but playful. Do you dare? LOL
Good luck:)
Don’t psyche yourself out by thinking you f**cked up, nothing is every fully lost. Tease her, say, “Wow, you’re really a tough one to crack. Give a guy a break. (smile) All I want is the honor of your company for a meal. You gotta eat sometime right?”
Tell her, “I know you don’t know me. But you can trust me. I’m just your regular harmless suitor hoping you’ll give me a chance.”
All of this has to be said confidently like you BELIEVE she won’t be able to resist you. Otherwise it sounds a little pathetic and like you’re unsure and begging.
Begging can be attractive, but only if it comes from a place of confidence, like you don’t give a S**t about the outcome but hope for the best.
Want more boldness? “I know you’re busy. But are you too busy for the possibility for love? What if I’m the guy you’ve been waiting for all along?” A wink here and a smile would be appropriate, and then walk away. “have a good day!”
confidence and persistence is key.
You are doing it all right, you are making her laugh! Don’t second guess yourself. But keep things light and fun.
good luck!
Pingback: What to Say to a Woman in Passing
Hi MidoriLei,
I went through a divorce last year and it has been a while since I was in the “dating game” so I feel very uncomfortable approaching women. For the last month I have spotted a woman at my gym who I am very attracted to. I go pretty much the same time every night and I always seem to see her working out. Now I remember this woman from my highschool but I have never actually talked to her. We make eye contact several times and maybe even a few grins. Occasionally I will look up and see her looking at me and then quickly look away. Everytime I try to get the courage to go up to her, I chicken out. So my questions…
A) My main fear is not so much rejection but having nothing else to say after introducing myself, how do I overcome this?
B) Being that we attended the same school it seems I have a perfect intro…something like “Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but did we graduate together? You just look so familiar. I’m Zack.” Is this a good intro or should I be bolder and cut right to asking her out?
Thank you for your advice.
Zack,
That’s a perfect intro! Do it! If she doesn’t recognize you, just bring in more details. This graduating class year, the school. Did you know so and so? And when she realizes you were in the same graduating class, ask her, “So what do you do now?” Ask her if she has a boyfriend! Do it with a grin:) If she doesn’t, then you can ask her to dinner. It’s just about building rapport and finding out if she has kids, family in the area etc…
Good luck!
Hi
If your still posting heres my situation
I’m a personal trainer at a GYM that has only 3 trainers I’m the youngest trainer by 10 years
So I’m 20 now there’s a girl that goes to the GYM who I would love to get know better first off and then ask on a date,now I train every night and she comes in the GYM at the same time as I train personally, the GYM only has 600 members and its 24hrs GYM so it’s small,we havnt talked before mainly because I’m not a typical PT not much of a conversation builder and also learnt not to stare at female clients when they are in the GYM the GYM is female dominant , she also comes in with her father at the same time that maybe another reason, recently when I was training I have set routines when I train in this instance I would go spin bikes weights spin bike weights spin bike etc. …. now no one ever uses the spin bikes in this GYM except me and I mean no one ever on this one occasion she happened to use the spin bike right next to the one I use all the time regrettable enough I broke my strict routine because of this and went to more weights now she knew I was set for the bikes next I always put on a hoodie for the bike I was about to then but then put it down you can see reflections in the window of the weights area she got off straight away as soon as I went back to weights, I know she watches on occasion we have alot of girls in there early twenties and late teens they always look etc when I train I’m the youngest Pt by a longshot so it maybe the reason reason most do now I’m not bad looking and am in good shape being a pt and all, she also talked to one of my clients after a late training session now this was the first time she had seen me train these them she never speaks to them when they are in the GYM not working with me but on this one occasion she did now it was obvious they were talking about me cause they keep lokking over to where I was talking to the other guy I trained,now I think
Hi
If your still posting heres my situation
I’m a personal trainer at a GYM that has only 3 trainers I’m the youngest trainer by 10 years
So I’m 20 now there’s a girl that goes to the GYM who I would love to get know better first off and then ask on a date,now I train every night and she comes in the GYM at the same time as I train personally, the GYM only has 600 members and its 24hrs GYM so it’s small,we havnt talked before mainly because I’m not a typical PT not much of a conversation builder and also learnt not to stare at female clients when they are in the GYM the GYM is female dominant , she also comes in with her father at the same time that maybe another reason, recently when I was training I have set routines when I train in this instance I would go spin bikes weights spin bike weights spin bike etc. …. now no one ever uses the spin bikes in this GYM except me and I mean no one ever on this one occasion she happened to use the spin bike right next to the one I use all the time regrettable enough I broke my strict routine because of this and went to more weights now she knew I was set for the bikes next I always put on a hoodie for the bike I was about to then but then put it down you can see reflections in the window of the weights area she got off straight away as soon as I went back to weights, I know she watches on occasion we have alot of girls in there early twenties and late teens they always look etc when I train I’m the youngest Pt by a longshot and our town aintree big I know I’m the youngest male pt by a fare bit so it maybe the reason reason most do now I’m not bad looking and am in good shape being a pt and all, she also talked to one of my clients after a late training session now this was the first time she had seen me train these two guys and she never speaks to them when they are in the GYM not working with me but on this one occasion she did now it was obvious they were talking about me cause they keep lokking over to where I was while I was talking to the other guy I trained,now I haven’t talk to her like I said or even looked her in the eyes haha, and I most possibly she may think I’m not interested when I am but like I said I’m so use to not gawking at female clients that I find it hard to do so , should I just approch and talk to her or what direction do you suggest I take now usally I’m all good with most girls but this situation is a little diffrent also could get awkward with her dad their all the time.
Hi db,
First call of action is to ask your employer if you’re allowed to date anyone who comes to the gym. I don’t want you to get in trouble or get fired. If it’s a go, then you just have to approach her and say, “Hi, I’m _______, what’s your name?” “I’m one of the PTs here and I notice you come here often.” “Let me know if you have any questions with any of the machines. I want to be your go to guy.” Smile, wait for her reaction and then walk away, and say, “Remember, It’s_______!” Smile. It shows confidence.
It’s a little trickier cuz you don’t want to make her uncomfortable and not want to come back to the gym if she’s not interested, you know? So you kinda have to build a friendship with her. At the same time, you want to make it a flirtatious friendship to see if she flirts back or smiles when you flirt, or to see if she looks uncomfortable. If she looks uncomfortable, I would not move forward. If it looks like she enjoys your attention, flirtation, compliments, then I would ask her out!
“Can I take you out for a smoothie after your workout today? I know a really great place. They have great protein smoothies perfect for post workout hunger.”
Good luck!
And read this:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-number-one-mistake-nice-guys-make-and-what-you-can-learn-from-a-pick-up-artist_1822/
aha! an entire post dedicated to my query..! 😀
she rily is a tough one to crack! she lafs, smiles but damn, doesn’t take out time!
i’ll keep u posted on the details 🙂
I am keen on a stranger who I see once a week travelling to and from work all I want to do is ask this girl out
We have both had eye contact and have said hello to each other
I dont know if she is keen like I am but I need to know iam thinking next time I see her saying
Hi I am xxxxxxx
I would reaally like to get to know you would you like to go out for a drink or dinner one night ?????
thoughts is this acceptable all I want is the answer to be yes I dont want to scare her by asking the wrong way
Mick,
That’s a great approach! There’s nothing scary about that approach. If she says no it’s not because you asked the wrong way. If she says no, she’s not attracted to you and doesn’t want to give you a chance. It’s not personal. There’s only one way to find out if she is interested. Go for it:)
Since she is a stranger, she might need more convincing. She doesn’t know if she can trust you yet, you know? Reassure her you can meet a nuetral location where she feels comfortable. It helps to start things off with, “I know this is really forward but….”
Hi Midori,
So it’s been almost a month since my last post. What a “painful” and frustrating past few weeks its been for me, what with all the unpredictable texting responses, getting no responses, waiting “ages” for a response, agonizing over what I said, what to say, what to write, etc. etc. Because of her type of work and schedule, it wasn’t easy for me to actually talk to or call this girl personally and have a good, direct conversation (if you recall, she works as a receptionist in the lobby where I live and works graveyard most of the time). She also told me prior to our first date in Dec ’11 that due to their work policy, she’s not supposed to “socialize” with the residents. So keeping the line of communication open by texting was, for me at least, the best and safest way. I did try my best to keep the bantering texts light and fun like you said (a little cheesy at times, it seemed, in retrospect lol). But I almost gave it all up because of her many no responses and few text initiations. I swear, texting a girl can really drive one nuts!
I guess persistence does, however, eventually pay off. She just recently got hired for a new job at another place which she’ll be starting next week. So I recently texted her, as a “last ditch” effort on my part, if she was still interested in going out. And yes! she FINALLY agreed, and in a few days we’ll be going on our third date since Dec ’11. Any advice you can give me at this stage? I’ve heard so many things regarding the so-called “3rd date.” We plan on going out to a museum / exhibit. What can I expect from her at this stage? Should I also try to be a little more aggressive / assertive when it comes to physical contact, i.e. touching, holding hands, kissing, etc. I know it really depends on the situation and how it plays out, but I’m the type of guy who is usually hesitant in making the “first move.” At the same time, I don’t want to give her the impression that I’m a wuss or not interested, either. And I don’t wanna mess things up after all that’s been gained so far and lose her. Thanks.
Jimmy
Jimmy,
Yay! A third date! Don’t even worry about what every one says about the third date. Just go into it with the motivation to “Know her better.” It’s much better than going in with the motivation, “MAKE her like me.” Treat it like a first date as you’ve not gone out in a long time.
I’m not a huge fan of the museum/exhibit date as there is no “forced” interaction. You have to be quiet and the focus is on objects/paintings as opposed to each other. If there’s any way to add something interactive after and make the museum/exhibit part shorter, it would be better.
Here are some great ideas for dates:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/how-to-choose-where-to-go-on-a-first-date_173/
What can you expect? That she will only warm up to you if you treat her like a new friend you are getting to know, but also throw in compliments and flirtation to keep it clear you are interested in her romantically. Leave the physical contact for much later into the date, if at all unless you can use the activity you are doing to open up a chance to be close to her (ex: showing her how to hold a pool stick when playing pool.)
The more obviously flirtatious and the more heavy you are with the compliments, the more you will have a chance to gauge if she is open to the idea of any physical contact. The guy should always be the one to make the first physical move, or at least attempt to. It shows you find her desirable and nothing makes a woman more hot for you.
Initiation is highly under rated. The way you show confidence in a date is behaving in a way that shows you BELIEVE she will take your advances willingly.
Women don’t know what they want. It’s a man’s job to persuade the woman he can be what she wants. Once a man starts to understand this, he has won half the battle.
Good luck!
hey Blue here again.. yea i talked to her quite a bit in these few days. complimented her on a few things and it was well received i tell you. but i dunno, whenever i ask her to meet up, she’s like ‘am busy, shit loads of work’
so i was a little direct one day. i said something like, oke ur pretty, and i want to know you a bit more then what i do over this darn communicator.. so wil u ever take out time?
she said somethng like, um sure..but i have a lot of work here.. later sometime ..for sure
me: so u wont evn call me over for chocs at ur desk? *she had mentioned abt a stash of chocolates at her desk*
her: lol, nah.. too busy
me: er thats it? am i disturbing you or something..iv a feeling, ur way too polite to tell me ur gettin bugd..
her: no no…am not getting bugd.. its just that iv so many deadlines to meet.
me: so i can ping , ping and ping u further until you take out time?
she: hehe, u can try
and the the convo wrapped up in a while.. wel i had a feeling she was genuinely busy
but the nxt monday seriosly pissed me off.. i mean i just cant understand a few things
me: sup lady?
she responded, i dun remembr much..but she picked on some wrd of mine..to which i replied, oh stop picking on my words, am just fooling arnd a bit.
her: okay its the usual again tday.. rily busy
me: omg, on a monday as well?
her: yeah
me: i tried to lighten it up by teasing her abt her lack of social life , she laughed and reasoned a bit ..
me: and the weeknds are equally busy?
her: yeah family and stuff.
and i was like seriously?
and blurted out somethng along the lines : oke crsly, its beyond me now..how tough are you trying to make it for me.
her: wel i dont know how you have so much free time but i really have a lot to do..
* well.. i take out time! as in ugh, am not jobless fr gods sake!*
anyways i just said.. um ok, sorry fr disturbing you and signed off.
what now! i just dont understand, at one point she laughs, talks and converses pretty well. and on the other hand she just wont meet me citing time issues
I meant what is this? and more importantly, how do i persuade more..i feel like a prick. do i stop interacting fr a few days and then get back saying something? i need help me here. this isnt going anywher..i cant always be talking on a communicator!
Blue,
You have to rework your words over the communicator so it doesn’t show that you’re believing the negative:
“am i disturbing you or something..iv a feeling, ur way too polite to tell me ur gettin bugd..”
You throwing out that word over and over will start to make her think you are disturbing her.
and starting off a conversation with “sup lady” is kinda annoying and disturbing. Nobody likes to respond to that. I wrote about it in my texting articles. You have to have something to say beyond that.
None of the conversation had any compliments:(
How about starting it off without trying to figure out logistics? You have to start with light banter and compliments BEFORE logistics. like…
“Hey busy lady. You look really extra lovely today. Gotta go. Have a big project this week. Have a great day!”
Show you actually come to work to actually work. It’s attractive. I bet she also feels bad using the communicator for personal use. Show you have strong work ethic. It’s attractive.
Then lay off for a couple days.
It’s like you get on and it’s begging to go out.
You have to match it with compliments and real interest. Like,
“I know you’re super busy. Is there anything I can help you to take off your work load? How about a work date? I help you get work done and I enjoy the pleasure of your company. win win for both of us:)”
I don’t know if that would actually work since I don’t know what roles you both play in the company, but it at least shows you are in it not just for yourself.
Good luck!
MIdori
I have recently sincerely displayed acts of random kindness to someone that i am interested in –By opening door for her–expressing Happy Valentines Day to her and giving her “free-food” coupons at a popular eatery——so have I made progress and captivated her interest in me? —BTW–my next plan of action is to give her my home and cell phone numbers—ty
bob,
There’s no way of telling just by your kindness. Those are just gentlemanly things to do. But nothing indicated a true “pursuit.”
I would NOT advise you to give her your numbers. It’s like giving something to someone when they don’t ask for it. I would instead ask her for her number. That way, the ball is in your court. That way the man is taking the initiative and taking the risk in calling.
Hi MidoriLei,
I haven’t had any luck in telling if a girl likes me or not. Sometimes I think I am totally clueless. Lately, I have been sort of attracted to my city’s librarian at our library. She’s always real nice to me, she’s not bad looking, and she’s always smiling at me when I go to the check out counter that she works behind.
At first I thought she just more friendly and nice to stangers than most people are. The problem is, my past experiences at determining if a girl actually likes me or not, has always been way off base. I either get what I consider fairly flirtatious moves from girls who are really not interested in me, or I will get a girl who makes very suddle advances who are interested in me, but I don’t pick up on that because I am so dense, and I later learn that she was interested in me.
Last visit to the library, for no reason at all, she asked how long I have lived here, which is my home town, and also wanted to know what year I graduated.
So now here I am again in the same kind of situation with this librarian that I am interested in that I would like to interact with beyond just small talk when I go to check books out. However, if I decide to try to get to know her better, or not, doesn’t matter. Whichever one I choose, it will be the wrong decision. I would probably even be better off just to flip a coin and let that decide what action I should take, instead of trying to decide for myself what to do.
Is there any way to tell the difference between those who just have an extreme outgoing friendly and sometimes even flirtatious personalities from those who are truly interested in you? What do you think I should do about the situation I am in now?
David,
Why would both be the wrong decision? I think the best way to know if you should do it is to weigh out the losses versus the gains. If you pursued her and she wasn’t interested, will it be too awkward to keep going to the same library? Will you feel the need to go to a different library from then on? If the answer is yes to both, would it be worth it?
Perhaps you don’t really care what library you go to. Or perhaps you don’t think it would be awkward. Then really, you have nothing to lose. If you are attracted to her, do it! That’s enough reason to do it.
There is no way of telling the difference between someone who is extremely outgoing/friendly and someone who is flirtatious unless she is blatantly telling you, “I like you.” Or, “You are attractive.” or any flirtation along that vein.
The only way real way to find out is to ask her out. To take a risk. To me, the possible gains always outweigh the possible losses when it comes to women. (unless there are some real red flags immediately) I mean, nothing beats capturing the heart of a really great woman. Marriage has proven to have so many benefits for men, here are just a few. All that considering, the risk is always worth it.
And lastly, read this article:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-number-one-mistake-nice-guys-make-and-what-you-can-learn-from-a-pick-up-artist_1822/
Okay, thanks MidoriLei.
I think I get what you are saying. I mean yeah, there is no sure fire way to tell how someone feels about you, but I was kind of hoping that there might be some situations were you could at least take an educated guess. It seems to me that approaching someone you like is a no win situation.
It’s kind of like when you make that first phone call to a woman you like, there is no time that you can call her that won’t be the wrong time to call her. If you call her the very next day, the woman thinks you are desperate, and loses interest in you, BUT… if you don’t call her the very next day, she thinks you are not interested in her, and that makes her lose interest in you as well. So see what I mean by a no win situation?
So I was kind of hoping that there might be some tell tale signs or red flags that I am just not aware of. It also doesn’t help that a lot of women (and me too, I guess), send mixed signals.
Either ‘You’re not my type, but I am still going to see, flirt and and be touchy feely with you as much as I can’
OR
‘I really like you, but I am to shy to give you any clues or actually show my interest in you. You’ll just have to somehow automatically know that I am interested in you.
Yeah, it would be awkward to go to the same library if I approached her and she shot me down, but I would still go. I would just keep my mouth shut, unless she just wanted to talk to me about something. I mean, yeah I would feel awkward around her, but I wouldn’t be rude.
I also don’t know why women think that men don’t feel just as embaressd and just as foolish as they do when they get rejected.
I also think that maybe we are talking about two different things. You say ‘just do it’, but my question question wasn’t should I or shouldn’t I ‘do it’. It was basically:
How Do I Know if a Girl is Interested Before Me Before I Ask Her Out
because the title of this article is:
How to Know if a Girl is Interested Before You Ask Her Out
Haha. =D
I really don’t know if she is sending me signals or not. There are some people that read things between the lines that aren’t even there, and they assume every polite person must have a crush on the. I am the exact opposite. When someone is a lot more than just polite because they are interested in me, I just never pick up on that for some reason. This is what I mean when I say that I just must be dense. I am always just totally clueless.
I think I won’t just ‘Do it’. At least not right now. I mean, this situation I am in is partly my fault as well. I haven’t been sending her clues that are easy to pick up on either. I probably really need to do that before I can make a fairly accurate assesment of the sitution.
Thanks much for the reply.
David,
Fair enough. I did write the article about “How to know if a Girl is interested before you ask her out.” 🙂 But that being said, There is no way to know without taking some kind of risk. I’m afraid that men who read this article are looking for a way to be 100% sure that a girl is interested before they take any kind of risk, and that is not the point of the article. Even throwing out a feeler is taking a risk, albeit a small one.
The girl who is thinking: ‘I really like you, but I am to shy to give you any clues or actually show my interest in you.’ She isn’t expecting you to somehow automatically know she is interested. She is hoping that you are interested and are willing to take a risk to find out if she is.
The girl who is thinking: ‘You’re not my type, but I am still going to see, flirt and and be touchy feely with you as much as I can’ She just wants attention from any man who will give it to her. She probably has daddy issues. I would stay away from her.
David,
I’m afraid you are very risk averse, and this will not help your situation with any woman your are interested in.
I’m sorry to say, there are no tell tale signs. And I don’t know where you got the impression that women think that men don’t feel embarrassed or foolish when they get rejected. A woman who rejects a man with dignity and in a gentle way, she knows what men go through. The woman who does it in a way that is humiliating has not experienced any heartache or brokenness in her life to humble her. You don’t want to be with that kind of woman anyway.
In your situation, when you come up to the checkout lane to have your books checked out, you can start up a conversation, saying something like, “It’s such a beautiful day outside! I hope you get a chance to take a break and enjoy it.” In your situation, I can’t think of a way to really throw out a “feeler” without just asking her out or complimenting her.
Complimenting her would be a way to somewhat “throw out a feeler.” You could say something like, “You know that hot librarian stereotype?” “You definitely fit it.”
See how she reacts. She will automatically be taken aback, (so expect it) but if she at all smiles, it’s a good sign. Again, throwing out that feeler involves taking a risk, but it’s a smaller risk than just outright asking her out.
I feel like you have the wrong idea about women. You said that “approaching someone you like is a no win situation.” You compared it to calling a woman on the phone. You think there is no “right” time to call her.
Not every woman thinks that if you call her the very next day you’re going to appear desperate and she will lose interest in you as a result. Some women would LOVE for you to call them the very next day. You would be a welcome interruption to their rather monotonous day. Some women would take a call back the very next day as being very considerate, thoughtful, and a true gentleman who doesn’t want to play games. They would read it as, “Wow, he really likes me! He knows what he wants.That’s hot.”
It’s more likely that if you don’t call the next day, she thinks you’re not interested or are playing games.
If she doesn’t like you, she may think you desperate if you called the next day. If she does like you, she may think you are not interested if you don’t call the next day.
Basically, Interest or lack of interest does not change based on a call or a no call the next day.
I think the first thing that needs to change is your belief about approaching women. Most women would be flattered to be approached. They may be taken aback but that doesn’t make it a bad thing. How is that a “no win” situation if it’s something that could possibly lead to a woman saying yes?
I guarantee that if you send mixed signals, you will get mixed signals. You will get no definite “no” or “yes” because you haven’t asked a question and you haven’t taken a risk.
Women are taught to protect their hearts. We are the ones that can get left pregnant. We are the ones who are more emotionally wired. We have many reasons to be on guard, and many reasons to not “show our cards” before a guy is willing enough to take a risk and make his intentions crystal clear.
You are reading the dating advice column of a traditional girl, and because of that, I always promote that men not wait for evidence that a woman is interested to initiate something.
Again, if you haven’t read this article, it would explain even more what I’m talking about, especially towards the end:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-number-one-mistake-nice-guys-make-and-what-you-can-learn-from-a-pick-up-artist_1822/
Here’s an excerpt
The guys who get the girl are the ones who don’t expect the woman to be interested at first. This wise guy knows that it’s his job to convince the woman that he’s worth getting to know. It’s his job to make her interested.
Men and Women Crush Differently
Why is it this way? What you have to understand is that men and women are wired differently. Whereas men can start crushing HARD for a girl, just because she is attractive and mysterious, for a woman to fall hard, it usually takes a man’s persistence and demonstration that he WANTS her and is going to win her over that ACTUALLY makes a woman fall.
She takes into account looks, charm, humor, personality, etc… but it is a man’s pursuit of her that sends her over the top. So to try and think that a woman is interested right off the bat, just based on the way you look…. is a pretty lost cause unless you’re in the league of Denzel Washington or Brad Pitt or on the small chance that she has a very specific type and you just happen to be her type.
Because there are sooooo many other factors beyond and sometimes even greater than looks that plays into a woman’s “interest” in a man, it’s really pointless to try and figure out if she is interested off the bat. The most likely answer is NO she is not! Your interest in her will make her more interested in you than you trying to figure this all out, trying to avoid taking a risk.
Sometimes women are interested initially also because of looks and mystery, but a wise woman knows that she should protect her heart until a man voices his interests, so she will not show her cards.
Midori,
There’s this girl who works as the drive-up bank teller at my bank. For about seven months we’d seen each other once a week when I’d stop by to make a deposit. She’s always been very sweet to me, eventually calling me by name (as it is listed on the deposit slip), excitedly smiling when I show up. A couple months ago she asked how my weekend was and if I worked weekends. After some chit-chat, I took the opportunity to apologize in a light-hearted way for calling her “Ma’am” (I’d been ending our weekly interactions with that in lieu of knowing her name). She said very smiley, “That’s ok! You can call me (name).”
About 10 days later I decided I had to ask for her number so I included a note with my deposit saying I didn’t want to get her into trouble by asking over the loudspeaker for her co-workers and passers-by to hear but is it ok to get her phone number. She wrote back on another slip of paper that she’d “love to have your (my) number” but that she’d just ended a relationship and that she’s so sorry. In the two months since this we’ve continued to be very friendly and at ease with each other, and she addresses me by my name every time I see her.
I’m crazy about this girl but I know that all I can do is continue to be friendly to her and talk to her where possible. I feel like I have to just wait this out to see if she’ll reach out when she’s ready. Where do you think I stand?
Byrnes,
I think it would be wise to wait it out, but don’t wait for her to make the move. Instead,I would suggest asking her in a month, “so how long do your suitors have to wait until you’re officially on the market again?” Say it with a teasing smile. It’s flattering, implying she is attractive enough to attract multiple suitors while showing your interest, without being annoying and pushy.
If she gives the Answer or the impression that her suitors could be waiting a long time, that’s a clear sign she’s not interested and just trying to let you down gently.
Hey there,
I met this girl in a nightclub last Friday. She came up to me and my friend, with one of her friends, and we went for a drink and a smoke together.
After that it’s just us too and we for another couple of drinks around the nightclub and talk, we then head back to the dance floor, dance and make out.
We then get one final drink and asks if I want her number (I’m thinking “Winner!” and this point) but my phone freezes (shitty old Samsung) so I have to give her my number. I tell her to text me and she says she would and she leaves to go home with her flatmates.
It’s Tuesday now and she still hasn’t texted, she seemed so keen! I’m praying I didn’t give the wrong number and that she’s just nervous and holding out a while.
I remembered the stuff we were talking about, her surname, home town, uni course she was doing etc. so I Facebook her using that info and she’s the first result.
Now do I message her on Facebook or would she find that creepy?
(fml)
Any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
Matt,
I would go bold and Facebook her. Yes, it might come across as creepy but most likely since she was interested it won’t. You really have no other way of contacting her SOOO… Here’s what you say:
Hey _______, At the risk of this looking creepy, Me finding you on Facebook with very little information I have of you, I just want to let you know I’ve been waiting night and day sitting by my phone waiting for your call. Lol just kidding:) (kinda)
I’m hating my phone right now for crapping out on me right before I was about to get the number of the hottest girl in the bar who just happened to also be amazing to talk to.
So here I am asking for a second chance to make things right and properly ask for your number:)
Sorry, I kinda rushed the first message.
Hey there,
I met this girl in a nightclub, last Friday. She came up to me and my friend, with one of her friends, and we all went for a drink and a smoke together.
After that it’s just us two and we went for another couple of drinks around the nightclub and talk for a while. We then head back to the dance floor, dance and make out.
We then get one final drink and she asks if I want her number (I’m thinking “Winner!” at this point), but my phone freezes (shitty old Samsung) so I have to give her my number. I tell her to text me and she says she would and she leaves to go home with her flatmates.
It’s Tuesday now and she still hasn’t texted, she seemed so keen! I’m praying I didn’t give the wrong number and that she’s just nervous and holding out a while.
I remembered the stuff we were talking about, her surname, home town, uni course she was doing etc. so I Facebook her using that info and she’s the first result.
Now do I message her on Facebook or would she find that creepy?
(fml)
Any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
MidoriLei, really want your take on this:
There’s this girl who works as the drive-up bank teller at my bank. For about seven months we’d seen each other once a week when I’d stop by to make a deposit. She’s always been very sweet to me, eventually calling me by name (as it is listed on the deposit slip), excitedly smiling when I show up. A couple months ago she asked how my weekend was and if I worked weekends. After some chit-chat, I took the opportunity to apologize in a light-hearted way for calling her “Ma’am” (I’d been ending our weekly interactions with that in lieu of knowing her name). She said very smiley, “That’s ok! You can call me (name).”
About 10 days later I decided I had to ask for her number so I included a note with my deposit saying I didn’t want to get her into trouble by asking over the loudspeaker for her co-workers and passers-by to hear but is it ok to get her phone number. She wrote back on another slip of paper that she’d “love to have your (my) number” but that she’d just ended a relationship and that she’s so sorry. In the two months since this we’ve continued to be very friendly and at ease with each other, and she addresses me by my name every time I see her.
I’m crazy about this girl but I know that all I can do is continue to be friendly to her and talk to her where possible. I feel like I have to just wait this out to see if she’ll reach out when she’s ready. I am a Christian and I’ve believe God has been dealing with me in terms of timing and not putting this desire above Him. Where do you think I stand?
Whoops, sorry for the double post!
Hi Midori,
In my last post, I had been on my way to a third date with a lady I had been dating (or at least trying to) for the past 3 months. However, she had cancelled at the last minute, telling me she forgot about dinner plans she had made with her mom at the time. She asked to reschedule but never responded to any of my calls or texts. I was naturally disappointed and felt rejected, but later accepted this as her way of saying she was no longer interested. So I decided to move on.
Since then, I have been dating two women whom I met under different circumstances: girl A I had met through an online dating site, girl B through a male friend. I have gone on at least two different dates with each of them so far within the past 2 weeks, and must say that I clicked with both of them almost from the beginning, in terms of chemistry as well as physical attraction. In fact, I was almost so sure of girl A until I met girl B, and I must say that I am now more decided to continue dating girl B (we have been on four dates so far) and I feel that she is the one that I would eventually prefer to be exclusive with. My dilemma is how to tell girl A that I am no longer interested in dating her? Or should I even tell her at this time? Is there a “right” or proper way to do this? Girl A is still maintaining interest in me, and we continue to text / talk/ flirt with each other, but I don’t want to lead her into thinking that I’m still interested in pursuing her by continuing to text and communicate with her, and I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with girl B whom I want to continue pursuing (we haven’t officially declared exclusivity to each other yet, but we both “know” it’s getting closer). I just don’t want girl A to feel the kind of rejection I felt with the first girl I had dated a few months ago, but I know I have to be honest no matter what. Does any of this make sense at all to you?
By the way, I must say that I have learned so much so far in regards to dating by reading and applying your advices and suggestions. The texting tips also worked like a charm :). I would have to say that the most important factors that have been instrumental in improving my dating skills are the 3 C’s: Confidence, Compliments, and Consistency (i.e. persistence). Girls just love compliments! which is what I had not paid enough attention to in the past. When my dates above told me stories about the other men whom they dated and why they decided not to continue seeing them, I laughed to myself realizing that I understood where those men were coming from, and I was also reminded of the article you posted about why those nice guys finish last 🙂
Thanks.
Jimmy
Jimmy,
I’m glad it’s all been working out! And I commend you for putting the principles of the articles into practice. I also want to commend you for wanting to do the right thing in your situation.
Now for your situation. I think any way you put it, it’s going to be hard to take for Girl A. But the golden rule applies here. Do unto her what you would have wanted done to you by the last girl.
I would call girl A and tell her, ” ________, I met you around the same time I started dating another woman I met through a mutual friend. I think you’re an amazing woman, and as sad as I am to have to stop texting and talking to you, I have always found myself to be a one woman kind of guy, and things have just been progressing with this other woman and I want to see where it can go from here by taking it to the next level and seeing her exclusively. I just wanted to let you know so you don’t look back on this and think, “He was just another jerk who fell off the face of the earth and didn’t have enough courtesy to let me know what was going on.” So, I wish the best for you. I have been honored to have the chance to get to know you these last couple of weeks/months.
Good luck!
Midori
Thanks MidoriLei,
It worked a treat! I’m now texting and talking to her on Facebook.
I’ll ask her out soon to a meal or something and keep you informed.
Thanks again,
Matt
Matt, great! Glad to hear it:)
Thanks a ton, Midori! Really appreciate your perspective.
Saw her again today and got to chat a bit longer than usual. Went very well. As I mentioned, only God knows if this is all a matter of timing or if I’ve simply been lied to in that ambiguous “no hard feelings” sort of way. Just trying to beat back the thought that this’ll somehow slip through my fingers. I’m sure other guys know the feeling – it’s really tough to want to go forward when you feel rather powerless. It’s unsettling to feel that you have to be the organ grinder’s monkey while the woman gets to control the guillotine. It’s a sense of stumbling through a pitch black room, half assured and half wary of breaking something, blind all the while.
This is more of a rhetorical question but I still don’t understand a woman’s sense of “letting a guy down easy”. Because they never actually do that. We know what they’re doing with the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine in its many forms and they do it for their own benefit, so THEY don’t feel like garbage, not to be kind to the guy. In that scenario, in the end, the guy sees right through it and doesn’t walk away feeling good but rather feeling lied to/misled/insulted et al.
Perhaps that a tinge of cynicism in me talking in the midst of my situation. I’ve got to look to God, and not to this girl or anyone else, to bring the right outcome to pass.
Byrnes,
Remember that a woman’s rejection is God’s protection. Not that she is some kind of monster you need to avoid, but that God has ONE special girl for you and when one woman rejects you, it’s because she wasn’t your “Eve.”
All you need is one woman, the right woman to say yes:)
Hello again Midoril,
and thanks for the lengthy reply. It looks like that took some time just to address my issue, so I really appreciate that. I got all about what you were saying about taking a risk and I knew you were right about that. I figured that it had be one of us and who says it didn’t have to be me. So I thought I would try to talk to her about something like you said, and I had brought the book I picked up to check out. Well, I didn’t even have to think of something to say because she seen the book I picked. It was a manga (Japanese comic in paperback novel form, basically) called Angelic Days, which is a spinoff of an anime (Japanese animation) called ‘Neon Genesis Evangelion’. Well anyway, she says
‘Have you seen Neon Genesis Evangelion’? I said,
‘Yeah. That’s why when I seen this book, I thought it would be an interesting read’. To which she says
‘I still haven’t, but I’ve wanted to’. I thought great. I’ve got something to invite her to now also. So I said
‘I’ve got all of the DVD’s. Maybe if you want, come over some time and we can’t both watch it.’ Then so as not to make her too uncomfortable about that, I added
‘Sometimes my sister is there too. If you decide to come over and she is, maybe all three of us can watch it.’
Okay, everything went okay so far, but this is were it gets weird. To this she says
‘I’m married.’
I never seen a ring on her finger, and it’s not like I didn’t watch out for that. I even noticed that she seemed a lot nicer, and personality a lot different with me than with others she checked out. So I don’t need to say I was a little surprised about this. But that would have been okay, had she left it at that, but then she goes
‘I have had three other guys ask me out since I’ve worked here’.
Well this was definately a side I had never seen of her before. To which I reply
‘First off, I’m not three other guys. And second, married women aren’t expected to actually do anything with another guy anyway, but even so, most are usually somewhat flattered at least, when another guy ask them out, but you act like you are just annoyed. I wasn’t trying to insult you. Sorry if I bothered you.’
Well, she said nothing else, so that was that. But I am glad I went ahead and took the risk like you said. I actually don’t feel as bad as I thought I would. Well, not depressed or anything like that, but I do still kind of feel a little embarressed.
David,
Happy to help. I’m so proud of you! Don’t feel embarrassed. It’s not anything personal at all– the fact that she’s married. And the fact that she’s also an arrogant turd. Like omg, I’ve been asked out three times since I’ve worked here! I’m so hot!
I mean that was TMI, you didn’t ask, you know?
Had you not taken the risk, you would have never found out that she was married or that she was full of herself. I think the more you do this, the easier it gets… and some guys have even said, it becomes enjoyable.
Great job. Again, I’m proud of you:) Sometimes the scariest things are just scary because of the unknown factor. Now that it’s out of your system, and you have unveiled the “what if I do it” consequence, it’s not so bad! Yay!
So true, Midori. You’re 100% on that.
I consider myself pretty keen on reading people, particularly women, since I’ve reached my 30’s. Any negativity I’ve felt in this instance is chalked up to me doing what I tend to do, which is when there are blanks to be filled in or things look to not be moving at the pace I want them to, I assume disaster.
No, God’s holding this whole thing back on purpose. There’s something yet to be worked out. A huge revelation I’ve gotten recently is that either God’s going to work on this or I am but we both can’t. What I mean is that while we have a part to play in the playing out of God’s will, there are things only He can do, partly so He gets the glory, partly so it’s done right.
Whatever the outcome, I’ll be fine because I’ve relinquished control. But I’ve learned to not auto-write off certain things just because they don’t unfold how I envisioned. For Christian guys out there, I’d recommend that any time you feel discouraged or things “look” bleak, immediately refocus your thoughts on God and praise Him for being in complete control and working to make the right thing happen at the right time. But what if you don’t get what you want? It’s a reality that you simply have to acknowledge living in a fallen world. Keep your eyes on God and you’ll keep your sanity.
Oh and Midori, you have a special gift for writing and sharing relationship advice from a common sense, Christian perspective. Keep on! Thanks.
Thank you Byrnes!
Okay, Thanks Midori.
Yeah, I guess ‘full of herself’ is right also. I know she definately came off as very annoyed as well. I mean, yes, it was my mistake, but then again, like I said before, it’s not like she every wore a ring. I mean married women usually do. I think less of them do than used to in the generations before. Married women would always wear a ring, as a way of telling everybody else “I’m taken”, because that’s exactly what it means.
Now days, I don’t think a lot of women now even knows what the ring is for other than laying on their finger. They don’t even know that it has a meaning or what the main purpose of wearing one is, so I think there are more of them that don’t wear their ring than used to. Call me old fashioned, but I know there was a time were if you were married, wearing your ring is just what you did. No if’s, ands or buts.
The whole being annoyed attitude was the real kicker though. I still can’t understand that. I mean, even married women that I have seen get asked out by someone, still seem kind of glad that they were approached, even after turning the guy down. I mean it’s not like when a woman gets married, the ‘compliment’ switch gets turned off and they now get irritated at every comment a single woman would be glad to hear.
Women usually like compliments whether they are married or not, and there is no law or commandment that say ‘thou shall not listen to compliments once thou are married’. To most women, being asked out seems to be a compliment, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.
I think guys are even worse about that. Even if someone they aren’t interested in them approaches them, it brightens them up like all get out. Some are even like they don’t hear anything else for the rest of the day they were so glad they were approaced. Sometime I think us guys are really suckers were this is concerned. =D
But I think you are right and I am glad I found out about this part of her. I don’t think I could get along with someone who got that easily offended at me or at other people.
Midori! yo I don’t get your advice..in the article body you suggest this conservative approach, and then in the comments you do a 180 and suggest this be bold approach. Im confused! I thot from the article you thot the conservative approach was better..can you clarify ma’am? Thanks
Patrick,
I’m SOOO glad you pointed this out! I’d love to share what has happened in the process of writing this article and responding to the many comments….
The article is one approach to help the guys who want to make it a little less risky. It’s just something that happened to me and I thought it was a sneaky way for the guy to find out if I was interested before making the big leap of just blatantly asking me out…
BUT, I always ALWAYS prefer when guys just take the boldest risk. For the most part, riskier is always sexier. It shows confidence. It shows you just don’t give a damn, you’re going to go after what you want no matter what. You throw caution to the wind. That’s manly, brave, daring, and it’s confident because you’re willing to make a fool of yourself, dust yourself off if it doesn’t work out and go to the next girl.
I got a bit frustrated with this post, because with the number of responses I got from it, I realized that there are many men who prefer this approach to the outright daring approach of just going after a woman and NOT trying to figure out if the woman likes you. The truth is, unless you happen to just be her “type” (odds are not in a man’s favor) she won’t be “interested” initially. Part of a woman’s attraction COMES from the pursuit, so trying to figure out if you are her “type” is a futile endeavor. So I guess I kinda kicked myself for writing this post, because many guys are just looking for the magic fool proof way to approach a woman without a risk.
That’s not my intention in writing this. I was just pointing out like I said, something a man did to me which I thought was pretty clever… but BOLD, DARING, COURAGEOUS, RISK TAKING always trumps clever for me. I wrote this article to showcase a way to approach a woman, not the only or the best way to do it. Just one that works to get your foot in if you want to make the jump a little less daunting.
I’d rather give men this advice than not– as it is better for men to make the approach with a “feeler” than not at all. But given the option of throwing out a feeler and just going for it, I still prefer that men just go for it. It does more for their confidence to not even think about if the woman is interested. So in response to your question… The conservative approach is NOT better, just one way for those who are feeling gun shy.
Later on I wrote this article because of my frustrations at the response of this article.
I understand where you are coming with the “feeler” question. However, I think it is a more suitable approach to suggest hanging out. Something along the lines of “My friends and I are heading out this friday, you should bring some friends out to party too!” People like power, they also dislike what they can attain easily. The key is to make the girl question your interest in her. This may seem like a twisted game, but it is a surefire way to build attraction. By positing a suggestion of friends meeting up, she doesn’t know what your intentions are. Quite frankly neither should the man at this point. A group setting will allow for chemistry to flow more fluently. It also takes away from putting women on a pedestal. The minute a man asks you to hang out he has devalued himself in the social interaction. Once again suggesting, “Hey you should exchange numbers, so I can beat you in basketball again” is a much better approach. This keeps is playful, light and most importantly uncertain. Curiosity may have killed cats, but it has also sparked relationships.
Jordan,
I can see your point. It’s valid. A woman can’t know that you are in check just because she happens to be attractive. But at the same time, I prefer the straight forward approach. It always comes across as more self assured and confident.
I’m just talking about my personal preference. A girl can read right through that, “Hey you should exchange numbers, so I can beat you in basketball again.” It sounds like a pussy move. The girl knows the guy is interested, and him just not being willing enough to just make clear his intentions is really cowardly. When I was single, I hated when guys asked me to “hang out.” It sounds too casual, like the guy is too afraid to move it beyond being a platonic thing. I think it’s key to the friend zone, all that non committal, non-risk taking “hanging out.” Or it also get interpreted that the guy is not at all interested in a relationship, just a non-committal physical thing.
Why can’t guys just put themselves out there? When a girl tells her girlfriend, “oh, I’m not sure what we’re doing, I don’t know if we are dating… We’re just ‘hanging out.'” To all the other girls, it sounds like a booty call. Or a friends with benefits thing.
You said, “the key is to make the girl question your interest in her.” That sounds like a bunch of games. I don’t know, it’s never worked for me. I was always more likely to fall for the guy who just went for it, the guy where I didn’t have any doubt that he was interested.
Not knowing your intentions is the way to build attraction? I think the opposite. I take the stance that attraction builds by a strong pursuit and a very clear intention, as long as it’s done with an air of confidence like if she says “no” it won’t break you.
Your interpretation of “uncertainty,” I interpret as cowardly insecurity, a guy so afraid of rejection, he can’t even let a woman know clearly that he is interested.
MidoriLei
There is nothing wrong with a guy putting them self out there. You say that it is cowardly to beat around the bush, well here is the problem, most people (not just men) are cowards. They are too afraid to face any of their fears. The fear of rejection hovering around the top.
I am all for being straight up and to the point with someone. Though I feel like in today’s dating game things have changed a bit. Asking a girl out in a traditional manner, taking her to dinner, dropping her off before 11…It’s all out the window. Mind you my perception of dating may be skewed as I have spent the last 5 years of my life at University. Either way, I think it’s ultimately the fear of rejection that is the big killer.
As much as I wished the guy who went for it got the girl, he doesn’t. Every girl in their mind wants to fall for the guy in the pg 13 movie who has these redeemable qualities, but in real life they go for the jackass.
I agree with what you’re saying and how it should be done, but guys can lack serious self confidence, especially around females. You may enjoy this piece I did on how Nice Guys Finish last, Bad Boys Finish Second and Real Men Finish First. It touches on a lot of what we have discussed.
http://www.cavemag.com/good-guys-finish-last-bad-guys-finish-second-men-finish-first/
Thanks for sharing Jordan! I’m sure my readers would be interested in that. Very catchy title. It strikes my curiousity:) check it out guys!
I think the girls who fall for the guys who beat around the bush, making them question the man’s interest are the women who are insecure and really need the “chase,” the uncertainty. They are like, “Wow, this guy isn’t making it easy. How is it that I’m not getting his attention 100%? How is it that he’s not all over me and making it clear? Every other guy wants me.” And so she goes with the game in order to prove that she can attract this guy too…but it’s all to feed her insecurity. There are a lot of hot, insecure women like this. So it’s the scared guy playing mind games going for the insecure girl, and it’s magic.
What I want to see is confident men (those who put it all out there honestly and forthrightly and boldly) going for confident women (who don’t have to prove anything to themselves so they appreciate that bold approach and don’t need to “chase” the guy who they are not sure likes them) But maybe I’m just dreaming? LOL
MidoriLei
I guess the verdict is: Most people are insecure so they have to put up fronts in order to get anywhere in relationships.
Once people begin to realize that they have something to offer to another person, then they can throw their neediness out the window.
On a side note, glad I stumbled across this blog!
Jordan,
I agree.
Thank you! Glad to have you here:)
Hi, when i m in pub i hv noticed couple of time tha their are girls which look they r intrested in me as we r hv a regular i cntc , but when i ask them for a dance or drink, they simply refuse, Any suggestions.
Hi, when i m in pub i hv noticed couple of time tha their are girls which look they r intrested in me as we r hvng a regular eye contact , but when i ask them for a dance or drink, they simply refuse, Any suggestions.
deh,
I would suggest approaching other women. If you have regular eye contact with these women who refuse your drink/dance offer, are they smiling at you? If not, they may just think it’s creepy that a guy is constantly looking at them.
I love the post. I agree totally with the whole coming on to much with flattery isnt a good thing. I think approaching with sincerity and confidence is the best approach. I am going to share this page with our members at http://www.mytampadating.com.
Midori,
I haven’t been sleeping much lately. I am glad I stumbled upon this post, however. You are right on about the guy being bold and just going for it by letting the girl know that he is genuinely interested. At least then the woman isn’t left wondering about his intentions. This is the type of confidence that is the draw for women, not the ‘jackass’ type.
What I found so interesting about your advice is that you gave exact things for your readers to say in certain situations. Many others give advice to guys about being confident or just going for it, but the reader is still left wondering, “What the heck does that mean?” You clear that up with great advice that is right on.
The reason I haven’t slept much lately is that I recently met someone at a store who absolutely captured my mind. She helped me to find something and was so positive and a good sport. It didn’t take me long to realize that she was a fun person. I teased her about her sales ability by asking, “You haven’t worked here very long have you?” In fact she had only been there for about a week. We shared a laugh about that then later I did say that I was just teasing her because I could tell that she was a fun person blah, blah, blah. She seemed interested in my project and said to come back later to show her when I was finished. I said to not be surprised if I do show up. I did go back later that day, but she had already left for the day. I had wanted to tell her that she was the most fun woman I have met in 10 years, but I think I should wait on revealing that…
Two weeks later I was at the same shopping center so I swung in to the store where she worked to see her. I could see that she was not happy that day, but when she finally saw me and recognized me, she lit up and her demeanor changed dramatically. I showed her pictures of my project and she seemed to like how it turned out. We chatted for a while, and again she made sure to tell me to stop in again.
I don’t even know her besides her first name and where she works. I don’t even know if she is single or not – What not many “girls” believe is that, although she is extremely pretty, I don’t care. She is the most fun woman I have met in 10 years and I want to know more about her. There are only a few women out there that just “get it”, and she is one of them. It’s not fair to her because she doesn’t even know me at all. How does a guy “just stop in” and try to change the situation without being a creep or causing problems for her at work? Because… the trouble is that it’s a store that not many guys ever go into – an interior decorating store. I really have absolutely no reason to go back in there.
We had a good time talking, and shared laughs. She did say to come back. Is it just wishful thinking? How long to wait? I don’t care if she is single or not. I don’t want t make up an excuse to go back in there. I do want to know if she would be interested in getting to know each other away from her work. I haven’t been sleeping much lately. Maybe I’m over analyzing this and should just forget about it.
Any thoughts?
Hi Spencer,
Thank you for your kind words! I hope my sometimes very specific advice to readers doesn’t leave them with no position to get creative on their own when it comes to approaching women. I have ideas from men who have approached me, some of them doing it oh so cleverly(those stick out in my head) and I probably watch too many romantic comedies:)
I think I know exactly what you mean when you talk about this woman being fun. I wrote this article about that very quality. Here’s the article if you’re interested: What Makes a Woman Beautiful
First, I want you to get out of the mentality that it’s not “fair” for her. when you said, “It’s not fair to her because she doesn’t even know me at all,” you’re not realizing that everyone starts off as a stranger, in that very position, and us ladies are VERY grateful to the men out there who still feel it their responsibility to approach a woman. It takes the load off of us, and so it’s not a matter of “fairness,” which makes it sound like what you are doing is a bad thing instead of an honorable, good, masculine thing. If anything, you taking that risk is what is not “fair.” I just want you to go into that situation believing I’m doing her a favor by making this easy for her instead of It’s not fair she has to be approached by this stranger and be made to feel uncomfortable.
Why? Because if she is interested, she won’t be uncomfortable. She will psyched, excited, happy, elated, and ever so GRATEFUL that you were so bold.
If she is not interested, in that VERY brief moment, she will feel uncomfortable, but so will you. So it is FAIR. And then you dust yourself off, and like you said, you never have to see her again.
Best case scenario, she could one day be thinking this about you.
I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but I just want to make sure you are going into the situation with the right mindset, the confidence that what you’re doing is a GOOD thing, you are doing HER a favor by taking the risk for both of you.
All great love stories begin with a man who had “wishful thinking” and just went for what he wanted. The sooner you act upon this the better for your psyche, and so you don’t develop Oneitis. You can read about oneitis here.
Now for details. What to say. possibly??? remember, these are just ideas to play with. Something that comes off as “charming.”
I just have to say that you really have an infectious/magnetic personality, and this store is lucky to have you here. With that enthusiasm, and that smile, I’m sure you get asked out a lot. (always precede with a compliment before the close!) I bet your boyfriend doesn’t like that…. or straight up- Do you have a boyfriend? (If she hesitates you can joke around- ‘Or do you wish you could lie right now and say you do?) (laugh! It makes the tension less at this point)
IF she says she doesn’t have a boyfriend, you can tease, “Is that an invitation for me to ask you out?” (jokingly) or “Ok, here it comes! I’m going to ask for your number and you can say yes or no. If you say no, there won’t be any awkwardness after this very uncomfortable, but very brief moment because you’ll never see me again. And if you say yes… you’re going to have to not look out the window when I leave so I can do my happy dance:) (leave her something to laugh about!)
Here’s another idea I copied and pasted from another article I wrote:
DO:
Also, I did some revising of this my comment response and created an article that will be posted tomorrow if you want to see the revisions/additions.
good luck!
Midori
Thanks for reply, Midori!
I did read your post from today too and it was right on again.
I agree with the above comment as you were worried about, that one shouldn’t use something exactly as you or anyone might write or suggest, and not be creative. Twisting things slightly and being creative about it and making it your own should be fun. This should also endear the person of interest, in my opinion, provided they are able to see that you are genuine. And, it should separate you from the players. As far as what to say so one doesn’t freeze on the spot and look pathetic, cue cards would be wonderful, but are probably out of the question. One should still at least have a little idea of what to say.
When it rains, it pours… I ran into someone just this morning that I haven’t seen in a very long time. I’ve been kicking myself because, although I went for it long ago, I didn’t do it in the, “I ‘desire’ you” mode, but instead in the “I want you to like me” mode. She declined at the time, but didn’t totally shut me out. It seemed as though she was disappointed about how I went about it. As though I let her down by not being a man about it and making her feel desirable. I was intimidated and it showed, unfortunately. The problem has been that I didn’t see her again until just today. I am wondering if someone is just putting me right where I was supposed to be all along, or are they teaching me a lesson about my recent inquiry…? I know the answers to those questions, and now I just have to follow through.
Spencer
Spencer,
The great thing is now you are armed with the knowledge of what women want, and you can change your approach:) Good luck!
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I know this is for guys but I need a males opinion! So there is this guy I see almost everyday and haven’t met. For weeks he was just staring at me outside before he left every time I’d see him. When we’d walk past each other we’d make great eye contact..but he wouldn’t smile so I wouldn’t either. Finally one day he smiled and I smiled back. Then the next day he quietly said how’s it going..and I just smiled. I know he’s seen me staring at me too. Once we get outside I wait by my car smoking a cigarette( he smokes too) to give him the opportunity to approach me but he just doesn’t! I really feel like he’s attracted to me. We live near each other because we’ve left at the same time and hed stay behind me. On the way home I turned into a gas station and he kept driving. When I got to the register I saw that he was pulling through the gas pumps and then just left….what does this mean?? Was he going to come talk to me and just got too nervous? Some days he will stare and make amazing eye contact and some days he won’t. Should I just approach him? I don’t know what to say…I don’t want to just stop him in his tracks when he’s walking back to his car…
Guys, Trixy needs your help!
In the meantime, I’ll give you my two cents even if I’m not a guy. Hope this helps.
I think he needs some encouragement, more hinting through smiling. Approach him, sure, but don’t let him get off the hook by asking him out. Just approach him to make conversation. (Let him ask YOU out or get your number). Just go up to him and introduce yourself. “Hey, I’m Trixy. What’s your name?” and extend your hand to offer a hand shake. Do it with a flirtatious and confident smile.
Where is the location where you guys are always seeing each other? I’m asking because I want to help you strike a subject in your initial conversation. If it’s at a coffee shop, you can ask him “What’s good here?” or “Have you tried the coffee cake? Any good?”
The point is you want to be friendly and inviting and not intimidating and standoffish. You want to be approachable. So approach him, sure. Just don’t ask him out or ask for his number. If he really is interested, he’ll take the opportunity and ask you out/ask for your number. If he’s not interested, you will leave the situation without getting rejected.
Trixy,
He is interested, but he may be intimidated by your beauty. I think you may need to reeeeeeally reassure him that it’s ok for him to speak to you, or simply speak to him first, but be prepared for him to shut down because he may feel like you are way out of his league. A laugh is the best way to defuse that, I feel. Is there anything close by that you could make fun of get a kick out of, or can you poke fun at yourself and let him know that you are human?
He may not be able to read the subtle signs that you are sending that it is ok for him to approach you. Sometimes a guy just needs to be hit over the head with an unmistakable sign (or several) that it is ok to approach, and even then his brain may not believe his eyes. So, I think you should stop him in his tracks and simply ask his name and say that you have seen him before and you just wanted to introduce yourself. You could maybe even throw in that you have been waiting for him to talk to you, but that might be over the top. Then he would instantly be reassured of what his eyes have been trying to tell his brain this whole time. Then a real conversation can start because he will feel a little more at ease. You may even share a laugh about it because it will be such a relief for the both of you.
He will feel a little more at ease because – I don’t believe he is scared of rejection – I believe he is scared of being a labeled a creep. Walking up to a stranger and starting up a conversation can be difficult for anyone. Walking up to a pretty girl that catches a guys eye and talking to her and saying something like, “Hello. I’ve seen you around here before. I’m XXXXXXX. What’s your name?” can be the most difficult thing ever next to actually going for the big, “Can I have your phone number so that I call and ask you out on a date like a real gentleman?” question. The reason he may be worried about being a creep is that he may be thinking the girl would be thinking…, “This guy has been spying on me..” or “Who is this creep?” something along those lines, especially when the girl is particularly pretty. Even though that is how people actually get together. – People see people. People like what they see and they smile (if they really like what they see then they stare – I think that is a way for us to “see” signs that it it is ok to approach). The smile is a way of saying from a distance that someone likes what they see. Guys sometimes don’t understand women because they don’t understand themselves. They don’t realize that it’s ok to be a man and let themselves be male and be attracted to someone and actually try to go after them and be the one that pursues. They want to be a nice guy and not be a creep. So instead of letting their “maleness” show and going for what they want they don’t want to be a creep (or risk rejection) and don’t bother even approaching.
I believe guys are attracted to certain qualities – feminine qualities, or a female being female. I have read it a billion times that women are attracted to “confidence” and I think that is false. I believe women are attracted to males going for what they want and pursuing it, or a male being male. We put this “confidence” label on it, but in reality males are just doing what they are supposed to be doing to win the girl. This ties in with the whole “playing hard to get” thing with girls. They want to see the boy pursue what he wants because that is what she wants. She wants to be pursued, or the object of his desires. Midori, please help me if I’m way off on this.
I think you should try to stop him and talk to him. It seems clear that you have both noticed each other. You are practically old friends already. He may just be worried that he will stumble over his words and not be able to spit out something clever to say (like many people might advise) and end up sounding like a complete idiot then get spit on by the girl that he fancies. However, I think that once the tension of not knowing each other is out of the way, you will both be able to converse with each other fine. Then you can each start to really size each other up to see if you want to take it further. He may turn out to be one of the nicest guys you will ever meet.
Good luck.
Since you wrote that you are both smokers you could try the oldest trick in the book and pretend your lighter doesn’t work and ask him for a light… I suggest this be the only time you try to trick him though.
Hopefully he realizes during your chat that you are a fun gal and he throws caution to the wind and asks you to dinner.
Good luck!
Hi Guys
hope you can help me, Im a bloke who has fallen in love with a bi female who has a girlfriend / is in a relationship, for me she is the most beautifull woman ive ever seen. I really want to ask her out or tell her how beautifull she is. she always passes my house at the same time as I depart to work. Always at the same time, im sure she does this to see me as you can set your clock to her passing when I leave for work. Please help me. is it intuding if I tell her im crippled by her beauty
thanks
mr shyman
I’m so sad and upset that this question was even asked. I’m sad that our society has come to this point where people feel it is appropriate and morally right to “ask out” other people who are already in a relationship.
I can’t give advice as to what to do besides, move on. She’s in a relationship.
Doesn’t that mean anything anymore to anyone? Where are the boundaries? Two people making a “relationship” should tell the entire rest of the world that they are off limits.
What ever happened to the golden rule of “Doing unto others what you would have done to you?” If you were the “other” person in the relationship, you wouldn’t want anyone “asking” out your girlfriend. Asking out this person is disrespectful. It’s inappropriate. There’s no going around it.
I’m a believer in the principle that you reap what you sow. In non-Christian cultures this is called Karma. Basically, for the most part, whatever you put out into the world, that’s usually what you get back. If you put out faithfulness, goodness, loyalty, honesty, kindness, generosity, that’s what’s most likely going to come back to you. Of course natural disasters, calamity, disease and bad things happen to good people, but for the most part, this concept of reaping what you sow is true.
Most people think my husband is “lucky.” He always wins games, and gets “lucky” breaks. He has never been laid off in a profession full of layoffs(construction). A part of it is God just blessing him, but the other part is that he is the kind of man who puts good out into the world. He has the best work ethic, and his company has learned they can depend on him. He has integrity in all his work and in every part of his life. He is generous with his time and resources. He has helped countless people with home projects, whether that meant creating a path for a friend’s wife’s wheelchair in her last days of battling breast cancer, building a deck for a clueless friend, or fixing a roof for his widowed step mom. If someone asks for help, and he is able, he is there, on weekends, after work, whenever.
One day we were on our motorcycle driving to Leavenworth. We were probably more than 50 miles away from home, and we were speeding. Nate also realized he had left his wallet at home. Next thing we knew, we were being stopped by a cop. I was upset because he was speeding when he knew he didn’t have a wallet. As soon as the cop got out of his suburban, he recognized Nate, put his hand up in the air and said, “Man, get out of here.”
I was so confused as to what was going on. It turned out that the cop that pulled us over more than 50 miles away from home was a guy that Nate had built a deck for years back.
When Nate was in a committed relationship before me, he found out through his sister that I was on myspace, but he didn’t even add me as a friend out of respect for his girlfriend. Years down the road, after they had broken up and now that I’m married to Nate, I trust him implicitly because he proved to be faithful and trustworthy even when we were not together.
When you put good into the world, people remember. Goodness or evil will follow you wherever you go based on what you put out there.
The man who does evil is always having to watch his back. The man who pursues a woman who is already in a relationship and manages to secure the relationship will forever be wondering if she is trustworthy because if he manages to secure her and cause her to leave her committed relationship, he knows she is capable of leaving commitments in the face of temptation.
So to answer the question: “I like a woman who is in a relationship. What should I do?”
You should leave her alone. You should respect that she is in a relationship and leave her be. You should trust that if you were meant to be together, they will break up and you will have your chance, but in the meantime, you have to be respectful. If you were meant to be together, it’s not going to happen because you break up a relationship. What a terrible way to start a relationship! (by destroying another)
mr shyman Says
Hi MidoriLei, I just want to say thank you for probably the best advise ive had on this subject. Its crazy having feelings for someone I dont even know anything about. On top of that the fact that she is in a relationship speaks volumes, I am a good person, and generally dont try to rock the boat with things. Feelings can be so weird, but I think your advise has helped me overcome mine. I am truely attracted to this lady, but to hurt her or someone she has had or has still got feelings for or is in a relationship with is not the way. It doesnt portray me or what I am about. Thanks in kindness again. shyman
You’re welcome mr shyman.
Good luck with your future endeavors with women. You won’t regret this decision. I promise. Doing the right thing always works out best in the end.
A really helpfull article – Thank you very much I wish you dont mind me writting about this post on my website I will also link back to this post
karen millen,
Thanks! Sure! you can write about it.
Midori
How do I know? Easy! she will give of this feeling an her eyes will show an the body Language will be so loud you’d have to be hard of hearing to not hear it! That is why most men are stupid in that area! So yes I can write about it because I’ve lived this long to see it smell it & feel it! And if the woman really has her shit all there, she will just say it, that is what you call communition an yes I mess up typing , but you get what I mean! & if spelling is one of her peaves well she ethers gets over it or talks about an the answer will be the same! I’ll say fuck it then This is not going to work for you because of spelling, well then you have a big problem an I guess you may have to go play with your pussy some where, or I’ll do it for you my DARLING! Then we kiss an look out the fucking is about to start! Now that is what you call a real man Talking or writing.
I need advice there is a woman that livesnear me I always see her on my way to the cornerstore when I walk by her place ive never really talked to her before useally jus say high to her but this morning I got up early to walk to the store n she was outside she said high and that she never sees me up this early so I go to the store on my way back shes outside still and says hey I would of put in an order if you were going to the store I said sorry she said let me know next time and she began to have a long conversation with me being really nice when parting ways she said if you ever want to hang out I live right here I answered by saying same to you if ur ever bored I libe in 28 what im wondering is are these signs she may be interested in me shes obviously noticed me more than I her please any advice would be helpful im very shy and have been single for a year and a half so im not sure of the signals
Steven, she sounds interested, but you won’t ever know for sure unless you ask her out:)
Read this for more encouragement:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-number-one-mistake-nice-guys-make-and-what-you-can-learn-from-a-pick-up-artist_1822/
Hi MidoriLei,
You have been so helpful! I thank you in advance.
Hello all,
I am basically 24, in University and has rarely dated or had any relationship. ( i don’t count my teenage days of party flings as anything serious at all. they lasted less than 1 month ). I have a heavy work load in school (major in physiology and biology) and I am working 2 jobs.
Recently, met this really smart and wonderful girl through a simple request. Within that same day, manage to have lunch with her, send her home and also she gave me her number at the end. I didn’t quite read the signs until the end of the day, where i called her saying i’ve got free movie tickets and like to take her. So we planned for the following evening (friday), but she informed me she had a party at night too, so she’d get back to me.
She said sure, but had some plans for the night so it can’t be a late movie. So picked her up, and we watched the movie had lots of connection in terms of talking. Felt like bonding of friends. I didn’t pull any moves during the movie, just sat there and enjoy it – but never really notice her (movies are bad idea to me so far as I concentrate on movies alot). At the end, i asked if we could grab a coffee, but she said she had to go home first as her friends were meeting up for girls night. Sent her back, i always made it a point to walk to her gate. Every time though, I always don’t do anything just smile and say we’ll see each other again and leave. So she’s replied me she had fun.
Now its the weekend, and I don’t know if I should ask her out again or plan something at least? I cannot read this carefully, if she wants a friend first -> boyfriend or should i just man up and call her later today and tell her what i think and what i’d like to do taking her for dinner or something. During the movie, i was kinda all over the place, but always opened the doors and kept talking.
I also feel she is wayyy over my league and i have just been lucky to have gone out with her 2 times in a row. Also we both are in a hectic university with intense course loads. Alternatively, I can just remain cool, and just casually ask her after one of the classes. I don’t wish to be in the friend-zone.
Hope i can get some opinions and advice!
b1663r,
Go for it! there is no such thing as someone who isn’t in your league unless you believe it to be so. Plan something. Women love a man with a plan. Ask her out again. Strike it while it’s hot! Most girls will want a friend first, but that is the FASTEST way to fall into the friend zone. Make sure you don’t just have good conversation next time. Make sure there is an element of flirtation, some affection ( try to kiss her or put your arm around her or just touch her cheek and pull her hair away from her face, or hold her hand a little longer than is necessary any chance you get).The point is to make sure she feels something more than friendship and make it clear that your intention is more than friendship. Mediocre pursuit will result in mediocre reaction. Trust me. Go for it. Also, make sure you aren’t doing all the talking, make sure you are doing more listening next time so she feels that you are not only interesting but INTERESTED in her life. Forget casual. Casual gets friend zoned. Go for the bold, make sure you throw in compliments, and make sure she gets the feeling that you desire her. THAT is the hottest thing.
Thank you MidoriLei!
I will do that! I did asked her over the weekend to meet. She said yes then said no due to heavy work load. But she did agreed on a day after classes. She also initiated a text, but it was more of a question to find something, but i called immediately after to talk to her and ask her stuff.
Would it be a good idea to tell her how I feel? Face to face of course, i avoid chatting online, over text messages. I am also not very fluid with the touchy thingy, so… it would be hard? During the first day she shared many things with me, about her life and stuff. So i am still getting mixed signals, but I do have strong feelings to know her better and intimately also. I cannot have more friendzone girls.
Again thank you. Really like your advices and I am working towards being a positive person and going ahead with meeting people who i find interesting.
b1663r,
you’re welcome! What would you tell her in person?
Well we spent the afternoon doing work. Sent her home, picked up a slight bad vibe (she was in a rush + had some sore throat). I guess I did ask at the wrong time, so she was rather flaky in her answer and I knew I was just a back-up of sorts.
So I’m done moving on. I am learning that it is like such, though maybe is because we are in our 20-25s and in university, we have the ability to be choosy? So it is great to get it out of the way, know where one stands rather than thinking about it and just hoping. I am excited to project a new vibe and positive attitude to meet more beautiful ladies!
Thanks again MidoriLei. You made me understand about Going For It! I guess playing it slow and being the friend first technique will never be the right approach for an individual like me.
b1663r,
Or for any guy!
You’re welcome.
MidoriLei,
I would really like a personal perspective from you. So this girl, seems to enjoy my company and I always offer her a ride home. She does seem genuinely shy about me offering such stuff, and my reason was its along the way, which it is!
Again, i haven’t made any moves physical contact wise ( which i think why i lost her). So the window of attraction is totally over. Right now its just glances in class, she does’nt show any effort to sit beside me (nor do I), and also usually after our last class, she would linger around – but i don’t know if its because she wants to use me for the free ride or she is still interested to know me more. Our conversations face to face are always expanding.
So since the message i email you above ( 18th) I asked her face to face if she was seeing anyone. Her response was kind of flaky, she said Yes, sorta of..kinda. But everytime i try and set something up to hang out she has excuses – busy, but i never really interrogate (after 3 different day/time its a lost cause). So after that, she texts me immediately thanking me etc. all the time, so i texted her the truth which is I think she is smart etc, and i could still give her rides home since its on the way home etc. Her response is its good to know where we stand. So where is that? FriendZONE?
Should I even bother to pursue this – or is this a lost love? Its been awhile since i had such feelings for someone, and there are many girls out there who show interest in me, but I seem to be hesitant.
So judging from what I tell you, how should i proceed here? Should I tell her upfront I really like her – or wait and really go into that friendzone (and get alittle more touchy – perhaps hugging point?) I believe at this age, it seems the datings are going REALLY FAST and guys are trying all kind of sleek moves and girls enjoy it – but they seem to forget the genuine people who are trying to get close through the long route… I’m so confused. She does reply my texts relatively fast and also ask questions. I feel she is also kinda holding back – but I don’t know – should could just be friendly, a player or sincerely shy. Hope to hear from you!
b1663r,
First, you never want to tell a girl she’s smart and you’re willing to do favors for her (give her a ride home) just for no reason especially if she’s been flaky. That’s you INVITING yourself into the friendzone to be used and abused and NEVER get a date. I’ve actually heard this a lot from guys. It’s so hard for guys to wrap around their heads that some girls are just “users.” They are cute and they take advantage of men to get what they want(free stuff, free meals, free rides, free handy services).
A guy needs to call this kind of girl OUT. I don’t think it’s gentlemanly to “make physical moves” on a woman when you haven’t even asked her out on a date. That is doing things out of order. Just because you didn’t make physical moves doesn’t mean the window of attraction is over. A girl just starts losing respect for a man who obviously likes her (believe me, she knows you like her) but won’t man up and ask her on a date. Do you ask her to “hang out?” That’s not the way to do it. You need to tell her. “Look, I like you and I want to take you out on a proper date like a real gentleman, because that’s what I am, and that’s what you deserve. BUT I’m not digging all this flakiness. You either are seeing someone or you’re not. You’re either interested and want to go or not. Let’s just skip the flakiness and excuses. I’m a big boy. I can take a “no.” Just tell me “no, I’m not interested.”(smile) BUT, I’d like to try to convince you that you won’t be disappointed if you say yes. I know how to show you a good time. You won’t regret it.”
You gotta say it confidently, like you don’t give a DAMN if she says no BUT you’re hoping she says yes. You gotta call out a woman on her flakiness and excuses. You’re going to be up front and honest and you want the same from her. But if you’re not up front and honest (asking a girl to “hang out” instead of telling her you’re interested in her and you want to take her out on a real “date”) then can you really blame her for ALSO not being up front and honest? (being flaky and making up excuses)
You only have to put up with women’s shit (excuse my language) if you want to be put in the friend zone FAST.
Guys in the friendzone? They don’t get a woman’s respect. They may get a woman’s time, but they won’t get a woman’s affection.
A woman can only fall for a man she respects and a woman will only respect a man who calls her out on her bullshit.
It doesn’t have to be a lost love, but if you’re going to pursue her, do it right. Give it to her straight. “Coy” does not befit a real man. Getting affectionate and trying to get physical in the friend zone is the most cowardly thing to do, and it can come off as creepy because a woman isn’t expecting it. DONT do it. That’s not how to get the girl. If she says “yes” to a date, then she can “expect” that you might try to make a move.
Why take the long route? It doesn’t look “genuine,” it looks cowardly.
Sorry to be tough on you, but this is tough love. I want you know the truth so that you are propelled to move to action.
So, there’s this girl at work. I only time I see her all day is in the morning in the parking lot Monday-Friday and we park a couple spaces away. I don’t have her name and we’ve never had a conversation because we work in 2 completely different parts of the building. I think she’s REALLY cute and she’s smiled at me a couple times. I’m going to ask her out soon. What if I approached her and said “Hey, can I ask you something? My name’s Joe. What’s your name? Jane, well I hope this isn’t too forward or makes you feel uncomfortable but, I would be honored if you’d let me take you out on a date sometime.” <<Got that from your site 😉 Would that be an ok approach? I have absolutely no other way of approaching her other than the parking lot..
ImaShyGuy,
That’s almost perfect! EXCEPT, before you go in for the kill, you MUST give a compliment. It’s the preamble to the “asking out.”
“Hey, can I ask you something? My name’s Joe. What’s your name? Jane. Well Jane, I have to say that you’re very beautiful and I wish there was a way to connect with you that isn’t so abrupt like this, but this parking lot is really the only place I ever see you. Anyways, I hope this isn’t too forward or makes you feel uncomfortable but, I would be honored if you’d let me take you out on a date sometime. Do you like Italian?”
Well um… I’m kinda busy…
“How about coffee? I know a great place.”
If she says yes, make sure you have a time and place already in mind.
If she says no, walk away with dignity and tell her as you leave, “Well Jane, I’m sorry to have interrupted you, but I hope you have a great day!”
Hey, my name is Justin and I’m having some trouble. I’m kinda shy and im trying to break out of my shell a little bit. I’ve been going to social events and trying to get out of the house more. The problem is I’m starting to get real frustrated with rejection.. I get rejected EVERYTIME if I talk to a girl and try to get her number. I want a relationship but more than that I would actually like to make some female friends! Me and my friends go to a club or the mall or any public place and girls instantly run up to them and try to talk to them. Now when I try to talk to a girl they either just keep walking or when we are conversing they have a bored out of their mind kind of look and they’ll start talkin to one of my friends. What am I doing wrong? I KNOW I’m not ugly but I feel like I am from the reactions I get from women.. I don’t get it and I can’t win! I need some insight if you have any for me.
J,
Oh Im soooo sorry you’re having to deal with this! Ask your guy friends if they didn’t know you, what would be their first thoughts of you? Do you seem approachable? Charismatic? Do you seem grumpy? Do you look like you have a chip on your shoulder? Do you look awkward? If you look awkward, what is it that you do that makes you look awkward? Do you seem too eager? Do you stutter? It’s nice to get some insight from other close friends/family. Also you can record yourself talking on camera to get an idea of what you look like, how you sound, what your mannerisms are.
Also, I do free image consultations if you want to shoot me an email with a picture or a video of you talking. It seems like this is a problem with first impressions. That’s why I’m making this suggestion. I promise to be honest but also to be kind.
Hello, I enjoy reading all of youг article post.
I ωаnted to write a little comment to suppoгt
you.
SEE IT IS EAZY TO TELL IF A LADY LIKES YOU. JUST REALLY LOOK AT HER AN REALLY SEE HER! IT’S ALL RIGHT THERE. GUESS A MAN REALLY HAS TO LIKE HIM SELF FIRST. THEN HE CAN SEE THE SIGN OF THE OTHER PEOPLE, . GUESS YOU HAVE TO BE AT PEACE WITH YOUR SELF TOO! I CAN TELL WHEN I WRITE TO A LADY AN READ THERE NOTES OR MESSAGE, IF THEY ARE FOR REAL AN INTERESTED IN ME. SO IF YOU LADYS HAVE TIME AN LIVE IN THE HAYWARD , CA. AREA, STOP BY THE BISTRO PUB AN HAVE A PINT OR WINE OR WHAT EVER AN ASK FOR GRADY AN BE READY TO SIGN THE OUR HAT TOO! OH WHAT THE HECK HERE IS MY EMAIL AN CELL #. IF YOU FEEL LIKE GETTING A HOLD OF ME! TILL THEN GRADY LOUIS RANDLEMAN JR. OF HAYWARD , CA.! CELL 510-706-6026, AN EMAIL IS dody1082@att.net. look forward to hearing from you!
Did I read that right? Some guys asked the lady to just HANG OUT WITH HIM? wOW THAT GUY IS A REAL CHUMP! SEE YOU ASK A WOMAN, PLEASE AN THANK YOU. AN YOU LOOK THEM RIGHT IN THE YES! YOU MUST REALLY TALK TO THEM, SAY WHAT WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND. LISTEN TO WHAT THEY ARE SAYING TOO. See I always tel a woman that I tell the truth an never lie! So there if they don’t like the truth then I don’t have the time for them! I most of the time ask if they like the coast an if making a beach chair out of sand an people watching. An if they read what I’m writing an they don’t like my spelling . I say well then come over an please give me a hand. Most if not all the time they smile an come an set with me an next we are going out to get a shake or a bite or we just go to a motel an “LETOM! Now right there some have said to them self’s, he is an nut! Well thr best it msde them stop an look at me in away they never would have before an say what is a letom? I reply motel backwards. Most will smile an laugh! And if I can get you to smile well we are going out soon! No I’m not VAIN! I just like to make people laugh! Pluss it feels good too! Well bye for now Got to go buy some sex toys for a party. What you never? Well it is High time you did!
This is in reply to Trixie’s June 29th comment and in response to Spencer’s June 30th reply as well.
Spencer is probably right when he says the guy is nervous because you are way out of his league. Guys seem to get a lot more nervous and insecure about this than women for some reason. Women don’t seem to have a problem approaching the Sean Connery or Brad Pitt studs the way men do about approaching any female bomb shell. Don’t know why that is.
Here is the thing I can’t understand though. I keep hearing a certain myth. This myth says that beautiful women never get approached by men because of the reason above, and so they have little social life.
As nervouse as most men go get around beautiful women, I find the above myth to be jus that. A myth, and total bull. The reason I say this is because all half way good looking to gorgeously beautiful women are all taken. This would not be the case if they has a terrible social life.
So, it would be my guess that this is another reason my men are so nervous around pretty women. That any pretty woman they see is way out of their league, and on the odd chance that woman would even give the guy the time of day, the women is most definitely probably spoken for.
So MidoriLei, Is this pretty much the way it is with average guys vs pretty women, or am I just way off base here? Does anyone else have an opinion on this?
David,
I think that having a small social life has little to do with being approached often or not often. That woman who may not be getting approached may have a bustling social life with friends. I think that men definitely OVERESTIMATE how often beautiful women get approached, and although many good looking to gorgeously beautiful women are taken, there are always women who are in between relationships. There are still plenty of single women who are gorgeous/beautiful maybe due to busy work schedules, focus on school etc… It is definitely a myth that beautiful women do not get approached. Guys are either thinking they get approached to much or not at all. In reality they get approached sometimes but not as often or as little as guys think.
I think that average guys get nervous around pretty women because they don’t think they have the “cookie” so there is automatically a feeling of an uneven power distribution from the get go. Read about it here. No pretty woman is out of a man’s league because beauty is not all there is to finding a great partner.
I’m not sure what your question is, or if I answered it. Let me know.
MidoriLei.
My problem is little bit different. It did happen almost a year ago.
I was seeing somebody(her) for several months once a week on public transportation. Have talked to her several times. I think I fell in love on first sight but she was already taken. We have never established a smooth and natural conversation (talk)
Just for now I do have one dilemma. During our last talk I offended her unintentionally regarding her occupation which she took it very emotionally.
I am just trying to be brief: She invited me to work place, however she totally ignored me.I left place ashamed. Next time I tried to talk to her and she told me
” I do not want to talk”.
This is not whole story and obviously without details it is not possible to understand what happened.
I may write here story in more details but not everything. Even this is somehow unanimous I cannot write everything.
This is my question. Should I send letter to her and with apology and some explanation? But I do not want to sound like crazy person or lover.
p.s. We do not see each other because she changed the work schedule.
SlavicBoy,
I don’t see the harm in sending a letter with an apology and some explanation. You’re not going to sound like a crazy person. Even if you never see her again, you don’t want to end it on this negative note. I suggest even some flowers with the note. That’s always appropriate. Feel free to comment here again if you want to run the letter by me and get a second opinion. If it’s too private I understand. I also do private email and phone consultations too if you’re interested. You can learn more here.
Hello again MidoriLei.
It’s been a while. My question is about your reply to SlavicBoy. When you tell him that you even suggest sending this girl flowers, did you forget about the part where he said that the girl is married? No matter what these two think or don’t think of each other, do you really think it is a good idea to be sending a married person, flowers?
David,
Thanks for reading that more closely. You’re right, NOT appropriate. No flowers SlavicBoy. A letter of apology would be okay but nothing more, unless she is no longer taken.
Okay, SlavicBoy said taken, not married, but still, same principle. Flowers still not a good idea, no?
MidoriLei and David,
I just was about to write about flowers and than saw what both of you wrote.
She is in LTR. However the problem was much more complex.
I think that is not appropriate to send flowers to her,too.
MidoriLei you said
“A letter of apology would be okay but nothing more, unless she is no longer taken.”
Well, even she is no longer taken, other requirements may not be there.
Something in general addition. As an immigrant from SE Europe I noticed these things in US.
1. Sending letter or flowers is considered as both weird and creepy.
2. The same thing with small gifts. It is considered as a manipulation,buying her(him)or putting some pressure or her(him)
This is not just my opinion, I have been told by my friends and “friends”.
All of us here are talking what should be or what should be done but real life is something else, it is much brutal.
MidoriLei
I may post here more, however after some preparation I may use what you suggested in your previous post( contact you directly ).
SlavicBoy,
I think that receiving flowers or a letter is only creepy if it is from someone who you deem creepy. The acts themselves are not creepy. It is the sender who is either creepy or not creepy. One exception I can think of is if a woman received flowers/a letter from someone who has not been really forthright– someone who just stares a lot but doesn’t even approach with actual words, charm etc…
Here’s another article that might be able to shed some light on what the difference is between creepy/stalker-ish or attractively persistent:
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/the-difference-between-creepystalkerish-and-attractively-persistent_1790/
Some of your friends might think it’s creepy because men just don’t do it as often anymore. Because it’s uncommon, it may not always be received well.
Small gifts are only considered manipulation if you are pressuring someone to do something in return for those gifts.
Do you have her number or email? If you do, maybe a text or email may feel like a more modern, less creepy approach. The best way to make an apology though, is in person. If there is a way to communicate with her to get her to meet you in person, that would be best and least creepy.
Also, remember that a proper apology involves these words:
1. What I did was wrong
2. I feel badly that I hurt you
3. How do I make this better?
Here to help,
Midori
1. and 2. apply even in same case you were or you are in relationship
Thanks MidoriLei,
I think I will send long email with description and my perception what happened.
Just need some time to do that in effective way. It would give better idea.
MidoriLei: “The best way to make an apology though, is in person.”
Me: “I am just trying to be brief: She invited me to work place, however she totally ignored me.I left place ashamed. Next time I tried to talk to her and she told me ” I do not want to talk”
So, I am not sure do I have courage,energy and knowledge to that? I do not have her email and phone number, never asked for it.
It almost has been for a year we do not see each other on regular basis. Last time I saw her was two moths ago.
Also she accused me for couple more things but I do not want to apologize
to her about those things, she only can get an explanation.
Probably, one who have read this can ask what is the purpose of what I am trying to do. You said it in brief way.
MidoriLei:”Even if you never see her again, you don’t want to end it on this negative note.”
I did something wrong , I saw her eyes were so sad, not only because what I said but also because of her life as well something about me which are both some kind of puzzle and mystery to me.This is my perception and it may not be accurate 100%.
I do want to close “the case”, clear my consciousness and move on.
Therefore I would like to make sure my letter will be very accurate
in a sense not to offend her again. I must be an apology, explanation with the facts and maybe what I think, in brief and neutral way what was her mistake
without any accusation or offense if it is possible and if is not then I may skip the last one.
I think I should stop here until I have sent email to you.(in one-two weeks)
Thanks
SlavicBoy,
Look forward to your email. I’d love to read an apology letter you wish to send her, but how will you email it to her if you don’t have her email?
Here to help,
Midori
Send a letter to her work place.
No good idea?
SlavicBoy,
Sure, if you know where she works and she knows you know. If not, it would seem creepy that you know where she works and have the address.
MidoriLei,
It seems we are not on a same page regarding my questions(problem).
I have already decide what to do. Will take responsibility and consequences
for my future actions. Then, whatever is outcome it will make me happy
because it was me.
Thanks
SlavicBoy,
Good luck!
Midori
Hi. First of all, I never just friend request strangers on FB? I saw an acquaintance in a photo with this girl I thought was attractive. Out of curiosity, I friend requested her. I didn’t believe she would accept, but she did. 🙂 I am in my mid 30s, a divorced father of an amazing son.
I have been wanting to private message this girl for a few weeks, but not sure what to say. I honestly just want to introduce myself and hopefully at some point ask her out. I have nothing to lose, but for it to seem creepy to her. I really don’t think it would. I live a pretty normal life with nothing but family and friends on my FB.
What should I message her since we really do not have a mutual friend?
Brian,
If you’ve never met this girl, the email should say something like, “You might be wondering who I am, friend requesting you out of nowhere. I just saw a picture of an acquaintance/friend of mine, _______, and she was standing next to this beautiful lady;) How do you know ___________? Hope you’re having a great day, Brian.”
What you have going for you is that you have a mutual friend/acquaintance. The most important thing is to establish this because you want to build a level of familiarity and trust. It’s gotta be short, sweet, casual, and flattering (hence the compliment that she was standing next to a beautiful girl).
Also, if you want to transition it from a FB friendship to an actual face to face date, I suggest you follow the rules of texting when you email. Focus on logistics and light banter. Leave the getting to know each other stuff and deep stuff for face to face interaction. Here are the articles to understand more clearly:
The Rules of Texting a Woman Part 1: The Why and How
The Rules of Texting a Woman Part 2: Do You Have the Right Mindset?
Good luck!
No matter how you slice it, asking someone out is always tough. When we do it, we are putting ourselves out there, making ourselves vulnerable and risking a lot. The irony is, however, that girls like guys who are not afraid to be vulnerable. In this situation, the guy handled it perfectly and the outcome was effective.
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What is the best thing to do if she says she’s not dating right now because she’s recovering from someone? I thought at first that might be just her way of letting me down easy, but then I asked a mutual friend and he said she had gotten hurt and decided not to date for awhile. He said it might be worth trying again eventually, but not now and not for at least a couple months. So what should I do in the meantime?
William,
In the meantime, why not just hang out and stay flirtatious? Always keep it in the front of her mind that you’re interested in her romantically. But be friendly and flirty and find ways to make her smile and ways to hang out with her.
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All girls are different. Is she shy or outgoing? Does she act like this around other guys? Look at her body language. Leaning in, uncrossed legs, nervous voice, and dilated pupils (especially), are all signs she likes you.
Another sign is if she laughs at your boring, stupid jokes.
She may not be able to look you straight in the eye. She might smile and laugh a lot because she is worried about giving too much away.
Check for the smile. A girl that’s interested in you will usually immediately smile when you start a conversation with her. The smile may disappear quickly if she’s shy, but it’s hard to hide an unexpected strong emotion. If she’s not romantically interested, she’ll likely look at you inquisitively, but she won’t express any particular interest.
Thanks for sharing Alec!
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Simply put: You are awesome!! I am a mid-aged male, raised w/o a father (he passed away at age 5) by my mother and grandmother. I’ve got a female brain/mindset trapped inside a hetro guy’s body; trust me, not as great as ANYONE would think!, lol I have known for SO long, everything you have written here, that it was a true revelation to stumble upon this post and see that not only does someone TRULY ‘get-it’, but that it’s a girl/woman!! You have made my night in that I see you have both the knowledge AND more importantly, the WISDOM to see through the whole charade of BOTH sexes on initiating a relationship, much future success my friend. “Knowledge alone is not wisdom. Wisdom is the REAL life APPLICATION of knowledge gained.” Scott Z.
Scott thank you so much!
Great advice. Some guys just do not know how to handle rejection. One thing we need to realize (and not just guys) that a person has “the right” to not be interested in you. No need to get offended or offensive when someone isn’t. Just move on to the next without burning a bridge.
You mention being nervous as good because it shows we don’t do this all the time. I ask a stranger for her number about twice a decade but I am considering doing this a lot more. Would this really be a turn off?
I have been searching for someone for a decade and nothing has worked out. I’ve tried several online dating sites. A friend of mine from up north tells me that the town we live in – the woman are a lot less friendly than those in other towns. I didn’t believe him until I began going to other towns and trying to chat with other women. They were a lot more friendly, especially in an area an hour north of me. They were much more open, friendly and even take the initiative to talk. Several friends who have lived in my town and up north of here agree with my assessment 100%. I have tried to get a job in this area for years with no success. I am about to the point of just taking an entry level job up there, cutting my pay check in half, just so I can be in an area with a lot more singles and where the woman are a lot friendlier.
OR I am thinking of taking trips to that area and walking around places like shopping centers just to try to meet someone. Any thoughts? I’ve been on plenty of dates and had plenty of women show interest, and they still do. I’m just not finding someone in this area.
Will,
I agree with this point by Jane Austen to apply to men as well, ” If adventures will not befall a young lady in her own village, she just seek them abroad.”
Go where the friendly, receptive ladies are! Choosing a career and choosing a wife are the two most important decisions you will ever make– they are the two factors in life that have the most impact on your happiness IMO.
i desperately like a girl at my apartment …. bt the sad part is i dont even know her name as she is new in our apartment …. n i cant even interact with her as she is always accompanied by her little cousin n she’s too small to ask anything …. any tips regarding this ?
Sumeet, what do you mean she’s too small to ask anything?
Hello MidoriLei, i know this post has some time but i would love to ask you something in private is that possible?
DayDreaming, feel free to email me a private email. You can check out my email consultation page for a private response.
http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/just-think-of-me-as-a-sounding-board/
If you want a free response feel free to ask your question in a public comment. Thanks!
My case is damn complicated as the girl(mysterious girl) i have a crush on is a friend of my best friend who(my best friend) also has a crush on me and is quite desperate about me …
The girl i have crush upon also knows this fact that my best friend has a crush on me and i m afraid that, this might make things a bit complex as i think that she might not accept my proposal just because she doesn’t want to ruin her friendship with my best friend …
She is a real quite person who doesn’t talk much in public although we have chats over social network sometimes also she is always surrounded by her friend circle so dont get the chance to talk to her in personal ….
also she has praised over my profile pics and looks sometime before in private chat box and often pays attention when i am around ….
the complication is that one of my friend who is a boy is also having a crush on her and is quiet desperate about her and is in a verge to propose her soon although I have strong ground over him….
but still my gut is allowing me to take a step forward …
please help me out of this real quick …
How do I approach her ??????
Hi Vishu,
The best way to approach a woman is to be forward and direct. You can say, “I know this may complicate your friendships and my friendships, but I like you too much to not let you know how I’m feeling.” Regardless of how complicated things are with friends involved, it’s always worth it to pursue the one you really want. It may help to tell your best friend first so she knows and out of respect for your friendship. Same thing with your guy friend who is crushing on her too. It’s fair to just lay it out there that you are going to pursue this woman and out of respect for him, you are letting him know. He is free to pursue her too, and may the best man for her win. Tell both of your friends that you hope that it doesn’t create any tension, and you’re doing your best to go about this in the most respectful way possible, but regardless, you feel you have to pursue her.