Interacting with Strangers: How to Know if a Girl is Interested Before You Ask Her Out
I know guys like success. Whether we’re talking the board room, stock options or their latest female interest. Most guys wouldn’t propose to a girl unless they’re pretty sure they’re going to get a yes… yet guys ask girls out all the time without first determining if the girl’s interested. You might have seen the funny Mad TV skit called, “Can I have Your Number?” It’s hilarious:
Daryl is mad funny, but he does prove a point. Stay away from the flattery at first.
If she’s attracted to you and you’re busting out with all the flattery she’ll assume you do this all the time.
If she’s not attracted to you and you’re busting out with all the flattery, it’s just plain UNCOMFORTABLE.
You lose points either way.
Guys are most concerned with saying all the right things and being agreeable. That shouldn’t be your primary goal when you meet a stranger you want to get to know better. Your primary goal is to gain a level of trust and make her feel comfortable around you.
Don’t get too busy figuring out what to say and how to say it, that you forget to pay attention to the girl’s verbal and nonverbal clues to sense if she’s interested or not.
The best way to figure this out is to use a “feeler.” You avoid blatant rejection and you find out if the girl is interested before you ask her out or ask for her number.
Here’s a case in point:
The other day when I was at the gym doing warm up shots before playing basketball with the boys, a guy approached me and started chit chatting between shots.
Guys, that’s the first thing you need to do if you’re interested in getting to know a complete stranger. You have to do the small talk. (again, hold back on the flattery) No sensible girl is going to agree to a date with a complete stranger without first building a level of trust. (Unless you’re just drop dead gorgeous, but even then it’s iffy) You can only achieve this level of trust if you talk to her like a friend and maker her relatively comfortable in your presence.
Don’t worry about making a fool of yourself or looking nervous.
Believe me, nervous guys are the most endearing of all creatures!!!!! Nervousness on a guy looks good. Because it shows us that:
1. We make you nervous. It’s a power rush.
2. You don’t do this all the time. It makes us feel special.
After you get a flow in the conversation and she looks comfortable, even laughing, at this point, guys assume the girl is interested.
A girl laughing at your jokes or looking comfortable is hardly evidence that she’s interested!
You could just be funny!
She could just feel comfortable around you like a good buddy!
Or, she could just be a nice girl with good manners and an easy going personality.
This is not your cue to ask her out. Don’t go in for the kill just yet. At this point, if you go straight to the “Can I get your number?” or the “Can I take you out to dinner/coffee/lunch sometime?” the odds are still against you. Now is the time to throw out the feeler.
Which is exactly what this guy did. Right on! After we chatted a bit, goofed around a bit, laughed a bit and played a few games of 21 with some other guys, I was about ready to go. This is when the guy threw out the perfect feeler. He said, “So, what are you doing later on this evening?”
I actually did have plans to have dinner with a friend and give her a massage because she hurt her back at work, so I told him this. I also wasn’t interested in the guy so it was my way of showing him that he shouldn’t proceed further with asking me out on a date or asking for my number. Guys usually think that if they just ask this question, it’s not enough. Believe me, it’s enough. We’ll either say, “nothing,” and then this would be your opportunity to ask us out. If we did have plans but wanted to hang out with you in the future, we wouldn’t miss the opportunity. If I was interested in this guy, I would have said, “I’m busy tonight… but we should get together sometime.” Then I’d give him my number.
Because he threw out the feeler before actually asking me out, we didn’t have to go through any awkward, uncomfortable moments, and the guy didn’t have to leave feeling rejected. Nobody likes to hear a no when they ask someone out. So, by throwing out a feeler first, you can gauge if you should proceed.
October 13th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Hi there Guru, I fell blessed that I found your post while searching for christian online dating services. I agree with you on the subject . I was just thinking about this matter last Tuesday.
May 25th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Some good advice you’ve given!
I’ve got a situation for you, say you’re in a restaurant and you’ve set your eyes on this gorgeous lady with her girlfriend on the next table, and you’re bout to leave and you want to ask her out on a date so badly. As nervous as I was at that time, walked up to them and apologised for the intrusion, casually introduced myself, commented on how attractive she was and handed her my number on a piece of paper and a quick goodbye. Do you think that was a right approach? I can’t think of any other way to engage in such a situation. Any advise from you or the floor would be greatly appreciated. At the same time, fingers x on a text/ call from this lovely person i met.
June 2nd, 2009 at 9:55 pm
That was as good approach as its going to get. The female brain will process information much faster than men. She was very much aware of your approach, sounds as if she may not have been interested at the time, I really don’t know. Statistics say, 1 in 10 women will respond.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:38 am
Aw! It’s hard for shy men like me
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:13 am
Someone, it’s a lot easier to ask ’so what are you doing tonight’ which sounds innocent and not a direct invitation to go out, than to ask for a number or a date directly because the girl can’t blatantly reject you or outright say ‘no i don’t want to go out with you.’ she can just say she’s going to be busy but it’s not as big a blow to your ego because you didn’t actually ask her out.
interacting with women you find attractive can be a daunting task, but if she’s a great girl, she will be worth the hard work!
October 25th, 2009 at 12:23 am
The feeler eh?…So if I were to ask a girl what she plans on doing tonight, and she says she’s staying home to study…that would tell me shes not interested? O_o
Anyways, interesting blog.
October 26th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Not necessarily. At least she said what she’s doing. That leaves it still open for discussion. It gives you an opportunity to either ask her about what she’s studying, where she goes to school… etc… and then you can jump in and say something like, “Wow, you work so hard! You need a break! Come out with me tonight and take a breather!”
January 27th, 2010 at 7:39 pm
I totally disagree. “What are you doing tonight” a) sounds way too booty-call-esque and b) sounds like a stranger trying to figure out if you’re going to be home so he can come over and rob the place. How about a good old fashioned “Can I take you out Friday night?” Seriously, women like to be asked out in advance, we don’t just sit around with nothing to do, and we find it very attractive when a man is willing to put themselves out there cuz they like you. Anything else is just lazy.
January 28th, 2010 at 8:32 pm
Sarah, yeah I can see where that statement could sound creepy. It definitely would need to be said rather nonchalantly and casually to work. But you’re right, a straight up asking on a date is the bolder move to make.