If I Could Give You Only One Piece of Dating Advice…
.
It would be to get this in your head:
Men and Women are different.
Take Kate Beckinsale’s interview comment from the July 2006 edition of Redbook:
Women feel sexy from feeling appreciated and attractive and desired. Men feel sexy from…having sex. [laughs] If you can strike that balance where the man is having sex a whole bunch and the woman is feeling attractive and desired enough to have sex a whole bunch, then you’ve figured out the secret to a marriage that is totally alive.
Case in point. Men and Women are different.
If you read any dating advice or any books, if this truth isn’t evident in what you’re reading, put the book down. ASAP. Most of the conflict, communication problems and misunderstandings stem from this basic fact that we’re just wired differently. Embrace it. Accept it. Learn about the opposite sex. Then you’ll stop saying things like, ” Isn’t it obvious what I need from him? Do I have to spell it out?” or “Why does she always assume something’s wrong when I stay quiet?”
And here are my favorite books for understanding the opposite sex: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and Mars and Venus on a Date.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Haha! Great quote! I like it because it’s succinct and completely true at the same time.
November 27th, 2008 at 12:26 am
Girls want security and status.
Guys want sex and someone their friends will like.
November 28th, 2008 at 8:32 am
I’d like to add:
Women want love and loyalty
Men want sex and success
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:34 pm
That’s a pretty broad generalization, don’t you think? I’ve known women who only seem to be interested in sex and success. And how many guys are there that would say they don’t want love and loyalty?
Even for a guy, there’s no better feeling in the world than the feel desired. It’s not only flattering, but also a huge turn on (when welcome, anyway). My opinion is that “I want you to want me” is not a gender exclusive sentiment.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Good point, Nathan. I guess I should say that although all those things are not gender exclusive, I think that women want love and loyalty more than sex and success and men want sex and success more than love and loyalty. it’s not so much what one sex wants and the other doesn’t but what we prioritize more? hmmmm
March 6th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I’m with Nathan on this one, sex isn’t on the top of every guy’s list. Maybe that’s what today’s media wants us to think, in the same way it wants girls to think they should want to be super models, it tells guys they should want sex. The desire to have sex is universal, but it’s not an all controlling priority. Honestly I’d rather cuddle up on a couch and watch a movie. You can’t generalize genders in the same way you can’t generalize race. There are differences, but we’re all human. How can any honest, decent, Christian guy seriously put sex and success first in a relationship? It’s revolting to think about. Firstly because success is so hard to define, because in my Book the least are the first, whereas the world deems a successful man one who has everything everyone else wants. And I know a few young women that have pretty much thrown love out the window and they let everyone know where their loyalty is… sex and success.
March 11th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Humans are sexual beings, but to automatically assume guys prioritize that aspect more than women do is still a little unfair. That may appear to be the case on the surface, but on a deeper level, what guys really crave is the intimacy that has unfortunately been substituted with sex. There are similarities and best when packaged together, so that’s why our brains are sometimes tricked into getting the two confused. In a way, sexuality has almost become a shorthand for the full experience of a meaningful relationship, because it’s easier and quicker to present.
Since you love “The Notebook” I will give you this example of why, as much as I enjoyed it, I was also left a bit dissapointed. In the movie, you hardly see any real authentic connection between the young couple. I felt like the audience was really shortchanged with their portion of the story. Where was their relationship, what was it made of? A series of passionate, fiery moments full of desperate energy and hormones. “I can’t get enough of you” is certainly fun and is very healthy in the proper context, but that’s like eating marinara without the pasta. Spice and flavour don’t last without substance.
I understand that in movies, sometimes those shortcuts have to be made to quickly communicate an idea in a brief amount of time. But real relationships are built on the little things that develop over time, personal things unique to that particular couple that may not resonate the same with other people.
That’s why some guys get so mixed up, because they honestly believe that sex and intimacy are the same thing. Not surprising when they are constantly barraged with that idea, even in chick flicks. Men need your help, ladies. Remind them: accept no imitations. Let them see how much more fulfilling you are when they get to experience you as a person.
When a guy finally experiences the full package, he will readily admit how much more amazing it is than just the shallow, surface stuff that he’d been settling for before and was never truly satisfied with. Just ask Neil Strauss.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Very good thoughts, Nathan. You are right.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:39 am
Nathan and Anonymous Guy, you guys make some great points. Very wise my friends. I still believe that men and women are different, but now I’m questioning just how they are. Both sexes have sexual and emotional needs. hmmm…
March 12th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I’d change it around:
Women want emotional intimacy from their partner and loyalty.
Men want sexual intimacy from their partner and to have noble sucess(leaders, father figures, providers, respect etc.).
Now those two types of intimacy have aspects which cross over. They can even (definitely?) mean unique things to their respective genders also, like in fulfilling your partner you obtain fulfillment yourself. But Generally each desire matches its own respective gender more so than the other. (And to be honest I’m probably closer to knowing what men want over what women want :p. So that could be amended further). I think there is nothing wrong with striving after those desires in a marriage and in doing so have a sucessful marriage.
This is important however: none of these desires can be correctly fulfilled within a relationship without the “Godly order of things” being present. Thing such as putting God first, no sexual intimacy before marriage and the unique Godly roles for men and women in a marriage.
One last interesting thought. If we desire anything God-ordained, such as marriage itself, then by definition that desire has to be absolutely crystal clear and defined because that desire is from God. I think there can be room for preferences though.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Jason! Thanks for your comment. I agree with you 100% as far as what men and women want.
March 15th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Nathan, I agree with you about the movie The Notebook! Didn’t hit me like it did other people, and for exactly the reasons you stated. Just wasn’t entirely believable because of the apparent lack of substance between the two throughout the movie. This is why I liked A Walk To Remember MUCH more, and thought of it as more believable and more substantive. This movie portrays love better than the Notebook, IMO. So is this the Nathan from Jefferson Academy way back in the day?
March 15th, 2009 at 9:21 am
And even with the short amount of time a movie has to tell a story, there are plenty of other movies which have developed substance well in that short amount of time. Made of Honor showed the connection between the two very well, and the actors helped translate that out too of course..
March 15th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Jason, no sexual intimacy before the marriage ceremony? That might work, if the couple is past the age of 50. Or, maybe, if you marry someone you are not attracted to, physically/sexually.
March 16th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Hunter.. Statistically, someone who has relations with only one partner over a lifetime is less likely to divorce. Meaning no sexual intimacy before marriage most likely will increase the “marriage bond” if you will, and not decrease it like you suggest.
Likewise this shows that any notion of a “test driving a car” analogy is wrong. It will only serve to tempt a comparison against your lifelong partner all for momentary gratification.
Since sexual intimacy is possibly one of the greatest desires in men it would follow that one should search for this first, but that is a hasty conclusion. If the top of the hierarchy is saught after first then there is no foundation. It’s like the sugar at the top of the food pyramid (haha! thats actually a great analogy). Would anyone not enjoy the entire experience of eating food if sugar did not taste as good? I think not. In the same way, sex does not provide the sustenance to maintain a relationship, its just a perk/gift. Without a proper foundation, and I know from others’ testimony, common sense and God’s word, sex is not fulfilling.
Further, in one particular website I know of, married couples say after 20 years they start having the best sex of their lives because they finally discovered each others’ emotional wavelenghs and proper roles (at the brink of divorce usually). That kinda shows that the connection is more important than the “test driving” when it comes to sex.
March 17th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Wonderful analogy Jason, and excellent point.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Really?….. No sex before marriage will increase the marriage bond. hhmmm…..I have met several divorced women, who said they had no sex before marriage……their marriages did go 20+ years…