The girl addicted to chemistry
Do you ever journal and read back at what foolishness you wrote in the past? Well, fortunately for you, those journals are probably private.
My main journal on the other hand, is this little relationship column.
Do you remember when I wrote this article about my grandma’s advice to “Look for a good man, the love will follow?”
I totally slammed that advice, as I was single and naive, always on the prowl for the next guy who could cause a flood of dopamine to surge through my body just at the thought of being near him.
Some people get addicted to drugs.
Some people get addicted to food.
For a long time, I was addicted to feeling that chemical high of crushing on a guy and enjoying the exhilarating chase that would follow. That’s what I lived for.
That’s what motivated me every morning.
And look, there is NOTHING wrong with crushing on guys or enjoying the chase.
Why character trumps chemistry
My point is that when it comes to love, real, forever kinda love, that chemistry, that thrill isn’t what matters most.
Why? Because that high doesn’t ever last forever.
It doesn’t disappear completely, and comes at unexpected times when you find yourself suddenly enamored with your spouse, but for the most part, it is replaced by a deep respect, admiration, and the satisfying feeling that you are companions for life.
BUT, it can only make this wonderful transition IF after all the infatuation induced chemicals leave your body, you end up with a guy who you actually really DO respect and admire as a man. A good man. An honorable self sacrificing, laying-down-his-life for others kinda man.
And so, I’d like to retract my statements written on September 12, 2008, and tell you, I was wrong.
Chemistry is not the most important thing.
Character trumps chemistry.
Because chemistry is fleeting. It is strong in the beginning, and it evens out and comes here and there.
But what you’re left with for a lifetime is who the person really is when no one is looking.
In short, character.
Character trumps EVERYTHING.
BIG character red flags to watch out for
If you have all this amazing chemistry, but he’s any of the following:
selfish
self serving
proud
defensive
angry
disloyal
hypocritical
lazy
etc…
that chemistry will be SURE to wear off, and then you will have NOTHING. Nothing to respect. Nothing to admire. It will be a tragedy, I promise!
My story
I am so thankful to God for allowing me to marry the best man I know.
I am so thankful that I didn’t end up marrying the man who I had the best chemistry with.
Truth be told, that man is not Nate.
Nate and I have chemistry, but there have been other men who I have had better chemistry with, but none of their characters come close to what Nate has to offer.
He is the real deal. The very epitome of what a “good” man looks like.
And I am not the only one of this opinion. All of his friends and family feel this way.
When we were dating, I asked him what a “perfect day” would look like. He simply said, “A perfect day would be a day where I could spend time with you, and we could help people in need.”
And he wasn’t kidding. That’s exactly what he does on his free time. He gives generously of his time and his resources to help people in need.
And it has been SUCH an honor and a joy to join him.
My hope to all the men and women who read this
My prayer is that every woman who reads this will aim to find a “good man” to marry, to know that it’s EASY to fall in love with a man of good character, that love can grow even when chemistry isn’t as strong as you’d expect it to be. I pray that you would put more importance on character over chemistry.
And my prayer is that every man who reads this will aim to be that kind of man.
My lovely readers, those silently browsing, and those commenting, It’s an honor to write for you all. Thank you for joining me on this discovery process of all things related to love.
Great article! What makes it so great is thath there is FINALLY someone out there who can publicly correct themselves and say sorry for being so closed minded about a subject. You (and everyone else) deserves their perfect partner and you hit the nail on the head when you said character trumps chemistry. No truer words were spoken. Well done and thanks for an awesome read.
Aaron Richards,
Thanks:)
From what you say about Nate as a person – and I strongly recognize the type – as a man, he’s someone I aspire to be like. I have one or two role models in my life who are like this. I like the advice you give to men as it comes from real experience and not from second-hand dogma.
Scratch,
I’m sure there are men out there who aspire to be like you! Just the fact that you would read advice on relationships shows that you are meek and humble. Such a great quality in a person.
Thank you for your kind words.
Midori, – don’t be surprised if you find some youngers tagging along. There is someone I know like this, and I make sure to see him regularly to reinforce the internalized image I have of him.