Dating Advice

How to NOT Fall into the Friend Zone While You are Broken Up + The Importance of Having Friends of the Same Gender

Your ex:

    “Why haven’t you texted me back? Why haven’t you returned my calls? I thought we were friends!”

This will be really hard to do, but while you are broken up, you don’t want to communicate at all. A woman has to realize that your friendship is ONLY available if you’re in a relationship with her.

If she complains, you tell her very plainly.

    “No, we were not friends. We were in a relationship, and you broke up with me. This is what broken up people do. They don’t communicate. I made it very clear from the beginning that I’m interested in a relationship with you. You broke my heart. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with me, I’m not going to be a martyr and try to be your friend. I can never see you as just a friend.”


    Are you saying that if I’m not in a relationship with, you won’t even be my friend?


    That’s exactly what I’m saying. You don’t understand what it’s like for a guy. It’s torture to “just be friends” with a woman you’re in love with. I’m not going to put myself through that.


    Fine. I thought you cared about me, but I guess I was wrong. You only care about one thing.


    No, I care about you in every way. Making broad, general accusations- you’re better than that. You know I’m in love with you and I’m not just after one thing. You can’t break up with me and think that things are going to be the same. Because it’s not the same. You’re either with me and you get all of me, or you’re not with me and you get nothing. And you’ve made your choice. But I’ve made my point. I’ve gotta go.

With a woman you make it clear that you’re a guy’s guy.

Last I checked, men don’t think it’s FUN to sit around talking about their feelings.

So when you give emotional support to a woman, it takes effort.

By not communicating with her, you are making it clear that if you’re not in a relationship, you are NOT AVAILABLE AS AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.

That only comes as a benefit of being in a relationship with you.

Why You Need to Have Friends of the Same Gender

It’s not that you don’t have any female friends, but you SHOULD have more male friends than female friends.


Because you have common interests and because sex and attraction don’t get in the way.

When a man has male friends, it has a way of validating his masculinity.

She’s thinking, Oh, he’s respected amongst his male peers. That’s good.

A man’s man is the most attractive kind of man.

He hangs with his buds.

He knows his way around tools.

He’s handy.

She’s fascinated by his love of sports or cars or motorcycles or hunting or computers or fishing.

She’s fascinated by what makes you different from her.

Your masculinity fuels her femininity, her femininity fuels your masculinity and that’s when the magic happens.

If the majority of your friends are female, you’re not surrounding yourself with enough testosterone to bring out your masculinity.

Hanging out with mostly females is NOT going to help you become more masculine.

It’s going to help you understand women better BUT the downside is that you’ll probably be gaining more feminine traits.

Guys need to be surrounded by guys.

You become more like the friends you keep.

So find great examples of alpha men.

Men who are ambitious, loyal, and who have masculine hobbies.

Those kinds of men are only going to help you become more masculine.

A man’s man dates women and he befriends other men. For the most part.

If the majority of your friendships are women, when you’re with a woman, she’ll wonder why you don’t have male friends.

It’s strange.

A woman will start to wonder, Why doesn’t this guy have any close male friends? What’s WRONG with him? Is he a panty waste?

You’d probably feel the same way if you dated a girl who only had male friends.

You’d wonder, Why doesn’t she have any female friends? Do women not like her? Is she a bitch? Is she too competitive with other women?

What if you don’t really have any close friends? You just see your coworkers and your family and that’s about it? That’s another topic for another day.

Here’s male friendship in action:

Have a great weekend everyone!

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Article written by:

I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

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  1. Dorian

    What if a girl reaches out (text/email) to say “happy Thanksgiving” or “Merry Christmas”? Should a guy reply with the same gesture + a “I miss you” attached to it? Is it okay for me to send out those gestures out to her? Or even what about birthdays? Do you think it’s best to still reach out to them on those ocassions when in the post’s predicament?

    • MidoriLei


      What a great question and one that many guys probably have in the back of their heads.

      This might seem harsh, but I WOULDN’T even respond to either of those texts (Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas) and I ESPECIALLY wouldn’t attach an “I miss you.” I would also NOT wish her a happy birthday. Those are things friends do. After you break up, the goal is to show her that if she is not your boyfriend, then you are NOTHING to her.

      See, by even doing those tiny, seemingly harmless things, you are communicating and providing a good feeling emotion outside of being in a relationship, especially the “I miss you.” A girl loves to hear that, but if you give that to her while you’re not in a relationship, then you are giving “good emotions” outside of a relationship. She will be getting the message, “you don’t need to be in a relationship with me to benefit from the good emotions I can bring into your life.”

      If you’re not in a relationship, she should not have access to the knowledge that you miss her. You will be doing more for your case (if you want to get back with her) by NOT communicating on holidays/birthdays. That way she has a chance to sit down and think, “Wow, maybe he is over me. He doesn’t miss me. Do I miss him?”

      But if you do communicate on holidays/birthdays she will think, “Wow, he’s really not over me.” and she won’t even ask the question if she misses you.

      Is it rude not to respond? Not really. I mean, for all you know she could be sending out a mass greeting.

      You have to communicate the message, if you are with me, you are my world.

      If you are not with me, then that’s your choice, but I’m not going to stick around and make you my world if you chose to make me nothing.

      Now if she responds with any kind of, “why aren’t you communicating” or “I can’t believe you forgot my birthday.” or something to that extent, then that’s when you talk about what I mentioned in the article, about your reasoning, that you’re not friends.

      Does that make sense?

  2. Dorian

    Its hard. I think about this girl all the time. We spoke a few days ago after about a week of not talking after she let me go, I saw your previous post and I didn’t contact her during the whole week. Then one day she called me and I picked up. I thought that she had gotten the hint and that she’d finally understood that she couldn’t keep breaking up with me and then making up. 

    She said that she was doing okay, but that she felt kinda sad inside, and that it didn’t help when she would try to get a hold of her friends, but that they were already doing something with their boyfriend or that they already had plans to be with them. I saw that she was on the road to making up again,but I had seen this before from her. I explained much of the stuff that was brought up in your previous article and she stayed quiet for a little bit, but  explained that she understood.

    So I said “yeah, just think about it and let me know. She got defensive and said that  I didn’t give her time in previous cases like this to make up her mind. She wanted time to “figure things out on her end” and would just get back with md shen she thought everything was “fine.” we would still talk during those times. I would also take her calls in an attempt to get her back, and yeah I gave her dmotionxl support, but I didn’t realize until it became a break up pattern that that approach to getting her back wasn’t necessarilly working. She’d just break up with me in a few days time. And that happened over and over. Thats why I was willing to give  her time now. So that she could see my new approach to her and that I wasn’t having it anymore. That she did wrong, and its torture to a guy to do that, and so on. We continued to speak and I thought that I was headed in the right direction do I began to open ul with her a bit more. 

    Maybe it was a mistake after now thinking about it, but we started speaking more casually and she began to tell me how her days went etc.. She was like “man, you always convince me to get with you.” But the thing is she didn’t. I explained to her to only contact me if she wanted to get back together. I thought that I’d be hearing from her soon after that so I didn’t really stress out. She sent me a pic the day afterward of her new decorated room and text along with it “you didn’t say I couldn’t text you.” I didn’t respond. 

    The very next day she sent me a text saying that she had something to tell me, but that I wouldn’t like it. I ignored it, but then  10 minutes later she sent me a text say since I wasn’t responding shed go ahead with it anyway. That since we weren’t together anymore she’s been less stressed out, and been going to sleep a lot sooner (we’d always be in the phone till late night because that would sometimes be the only interaction we’d have for the day (other than texts) because of our schedules).  I text her something that read that if she was with me she would get all of me, and that is she  wasn’t with me she would not get anything. She continued to text that we could have had something really special (which in my opinion we already did and that she missed out on further developing it), but that she was not getting back with me. 

    I went ahead and text Her the same message. She messages back saying that she had received the first one and that I didn’t need to be rude. That she wouldn’t bug me anymore.

    I wanted to call her up and explain stuff to her, but that’s what I’ve been doing for the longest time and it hadn’t worked. 

    It sucks! I think about her a lot, I was looking at past text messages that I still have on my phone and I’m like “how the hell did it come to this?” it was awesome, but then one day she just became stressed out with things around her and it never was the same. I tried to adapt to the changes, but she wasn’t as willing, which is why she’s just leaving me over and over. I guess she doesn’t know what she wants, but I’ve always tried to show her that what she wants is me and what I’m willing to do to have a lasting relationship with her.

    I get urges to just tell her what I’m up to, but I just try to get past it.

    • MidoriLei


      It’s a lot of work trying to “convince” a woman to be with you. It sounds like she just comes crawling back because she’s alone and all her other girl friends have boyfriends, and she doesn’t want to feel lonely. You don’t want to just be the guy who fills that emptiness just to fill it, because ANY guy can do that. You want to be the guy she admires, respects, wants to be around MORE because you make her a better person.

      While you are broken up, is there any self improvement you can do to be more of that kind of man she can respect, admire etc…?

      It’s not a good sign that while you’re broken up she’s actually less stressed and sleeping more. It sounds like a relief:(

      BUT it could also be her just toying with your mind, so you’ll take the bait and feel bad enough to contact her and beg, “I won’t keep you awake! I won’t make you stressed!”

      If she does come crawling back, tell her, “Look, I don’t want to make your life MORE stressful. I want to be the guy who eases your stress. I don’t want to keep you awake at night and steal your sleep. There has to be a way for us to find time during the day to be together so you can get enough sleep and be healthy. I also don’t want to be the guy you’re with just for the moment, just because you feel lonely because your girl friends all have boyfriends. Any guy could fit that role. I want you to see that we are something special together.”

      Examine with her why the breakups happened in the first place so that YOU can make sure they don’t happen again if there is anything on YOUR part that needs to change. Obviously if she’s just emotionally immature and runs at the first sign of any conflict, you can’t do anything about that, but if you’re doing anything that makes her want to constantly break up with you, then ask her honestly to point it out.

      You’re going to man up and NOT get defensive when she talks, right?

      Maturity is the ability to LOVE and be PRODUCTIVE.

      If she finds while she is with you, she cannot be productive, then the relationship won’t ever move forward.

  3. Dorian

    Yeah, I see what you’re saying. It’s just hard not to call her. I feel urged to call her and further clarify think ya know. Telling her how we can work towards being together and that I really care about her while making the phone call not all about me fullfilling her emotional needs as me being someone for her only to vent her emotions out to seems to be the tricky thing.

    • MidoriLei


      I understand if you feel like you want to talk to her to clarify anything. The key is to say what you need to say, making sure your message is clear, but then end with, “I think it’s best if we don’t stay in contact if we are broken up. I can’t deal with this emotional roller coaster. If you want to BE with me, then you’ll have all of me, and you know where to find me, but I can’t just be your friend. You knew from the beginning that I’ve always wanted more than friendship. It’s impossible for me to settle for less because I love you. It breaks my heart to ‘just be your friend.'”

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