I think when men see their wives gain weight, they don’t know what to do. They feel helpless because the subject matter is so off-limits. It seems like there’s no right way to bring it up. So, in an effort to help husbands help their wives, I’ve written this article. As someone who has struggled with my weight my whole life, I know these things are helpful, and after talking to another friend of mine who also struggles with weight and food issues, I’ve decided that many women would appreciate this article as well.
1. If she looks like she’s eating a lot or binging, don’t call her out on it. That only makes her want to eat more.
Don’t tell her to eat slower or stop eating. Don’t tell her, “You shouldn’t be eating while you’re standing up or distracted by the tv!” And DONT tell her that muffin is going straight to her hips/butt/thighs.
All you have to say are the six magical words that make women (most of the time) put down the fork and start talking:
“Is there anything on your mind?” or
“Is there anything you want to talk about, sweetie?”
A lot of the time talking about things is exactly the cure to emotional eating. Why? Because sometimes women don’t want to deal with what they’re feeling. Sometimes it’s even more complex, and we don’t even know what’s bothering us until we sit with someone and talk it out. I know that’s very strange to many men. Men usually know their problems and know exactly what to do to fix them, and that’s why when men usually make the decision to lose weight, they just do it. Women tend to yo-yo with their weight. It’s difficult because emotional eating and stress eating play a huge role. It’s not just a matter of thinking, “Oh I need to eat less and move more.” It’s a matter of thinking, “I need to stop running away from my emotions and stuffing it all down with food.”
2. Give her unconditional love
Nothing causes more change in a partner in a marriage or a relationship than creating an environment of unconditional love. If she knows you will be there no matter what and she knows that you see her beauty and also her great potential, she is more likely to change out of love for herself and for you instead of fear that you will leave or stop loving her, sticking around because you just feel a duty.
3. Do active things together
Evidence shows that having a fitness buddy helps people stick to their exercise routines. How much more if your partner is your spouse! Find activities you enjoy. Nate and I are going to start single tracking! I’m excited! We also do street hockey when the weather is good, and sometimes we play basketball, pickle ball, tennis, or just rollerblade. We also have done backpacking, hiking, biking, table tennis and kayaking.
4. Compliment her every day, especially compliments related to her appearance and her sexiness.
Before any changes are noticeable in her weight loss, focus on complimenting what she already has going for her naturally. “Your hair is so beautiful, touchable, and great smelling…” “Your skin is so soft and sexy…” “Your eyes…” and whatever body parts you love about her. You can also tell her how you love that she is so feminine, sexy or elegant.
5. NOTICE even the smallest changes in her body and encourage her with her progress.
When you are working towards a goal, any bit of encouragement helps propel you forward. It encourages you to keep going, especially if someone notices your progress. Every day, take time to just be attentive enough to notice her. When you see changes in her body, let her know! “Baby your legs look really toned!” Avoid making comments that make a comparison to the past. Instead of saying, “Your face looks slimmer,” you can say, “I love that you’re wearing your hair up more these days. It really shows off your beautiful face.”
6. Make aggressive and daily (if possible) sexual advances and never turn down her sexual advances.
She wants to be pursued. Every women wants to be pursued, not only while a man is trying to capture her at the beginning. She wants to be pursued forever. Your regular sexual advances make her feel wanted and desired. They make her feel like she’s still got it. They make her feel sexy and remind her daily that she has an audience and a man who wants to see her naked. One way to make a woman lazy about her figure is making sexual advances infrequent. If she knows she’s going to be seen naked on a regular basis, she’s less likely to “let herself go.” While she’s trying to lose weight, your sexual advances are like a pat on the back, encouraging her and letting her know she’s desirable.
I also mention making “aggressive” sexual advances. What I mean by this is making your sexual advances feel more like “in the heat of the moment” and less like regular, monotonous, expected “married” sex. Have more “stranger” sex with your woman. “Married” sex starts in the bedroom. “Stranger” sex starts at the door while you’re trying to find your keys. “Married” sex is quiet and mindful of the kids next door. Hire a babysitter if you have to and have “stranger” sex… the kind where you are vocal and don’t care if the neighbors hear. “Married” sex is a slow unveiling of lingerie. “Stranger” sex is so intense you can’t move fast enough to take your clothes off. “Married” sex waits until you get to the bed. “Stranger” sex will pin you against the wall or on the floor just to have you then and there.
The point of mimicking “stranger” sex with your wife is to make her feel irresistible, like you can’t get enough of her and you can’t get her soon enough. This will fuel her confidence and make her feel so attractive and sexy.
Lastly, it’s important to never deny her when she makes sexual advances. Before Nate and I got married, we promised each other we would never deny each other when one of us makes a sexual advance. No matter what the reason, it will always feels like rejection, so we never do it. This ensures that we are always thinking of the other person first and in return we know we will also have our needs taken care of when we’re in the mood. Every time a person gets rejected sexually, the less they want to try again. By always willingly and enthusiastically accommodating your spouse’s sexual needs, you always make them feel wanted. If each partner only had sex when they wanted to, it would only be a selfish act.
7. Look at her daily. Even if you’re in a crowd or amongst family, she needs to feel your gaze and your attentiveness.
Give her the opposite feeling of being ignored. Treat her like you did when you were a suitor. Suitors are always sneaking glances at the women they are “eyeing.” Women want to know that you are still attracted to them and even if your woman has come to the point where she has gained so much weight that you don’t even recognize her or find her attractive, you have to fake it until she makes it. This is your loving gift to her. Your frequent loving gazes will fuel her progress. So many times men don’t even realize that their visual focus has shifted away from their mate. It’s a subtle shift, but one that women notice. Even if she is still your top priority, the less you look at her, the more she will feel ignored, and the less motivated she will be to make any changes. Why should she change if you don’t pay attention to her anyway?
These suggestions may seem insignificant, but I guarantee they will be helpful to your wife!