This is a shortened version of a comment from a reader that I feel many men probably can relate with: (You can read the entire comment here as well as my response.)
I don’t even know her besides her first name and where she works. I don’t even know if she is single or not… It’s not fair to her because she doesn’t even know me at all. How does a guy “just stop in” and try to change the situation without being a creep or causing problems for her at work?
We had a good time talking, and shared laughs. She did say to come back. Is it just wishful thinking? How long to wait? … Maybe I’m over analyzing this and should just forget about it.
First Part of My Response:
First, I want you to get out of the mentality that it’s not “fair” for her. When you said, “It’s not fair to her because she doesn’t even know me at all,” you’re not realizing that everyone starts off as a stranger, in that very position, and us ladies are VERY grateful to the men out there who still feel it their responsibility to approach a woman.
It takes the load off of us, and so it’s not a matter of “fairness,” which makes it sound like what you are doing is a bad thing instead of an honorable, good, masculine thing.
If anything, you taking that risk is what is not “fair.”
I just want you to go into that situation believing I’m doing her a favor by making this easy for her instead of It’s not fair she has to be approached by this stranger and be made to feel uncomfortable.
Why? Because if she is interested, she won’t be uncomfortable. She will psyched, excited, happy, elated, and ever so GRATEFUL that you were so bold.
If she is not interested, in that VERY brief moment, she will feel uncomfortable, but so will you. So it is FAIR.
And then you dust yourself off and leave the premises giving yourself a mental congratulations because you did the risky, hard thing. You did something out of your comfort zone. You did something manly. And you are that much closer to feeling more comfortable in that kind of situation just because you have put another solid approach under your belt. You are adding to your experience and therefore your level of comfort.
Best case scenario, she could one day be thinking this about you:
But it won’t happen unless you make it happen. She could never make the move because she works there and THAT would be inappropriate for her, and she could lose her job! That, and a gazillion other reasons why women don’t approach men.
I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but I just want to make sure you are going into the situation with the right mindset, the confidence that what you’re doing is a GOOD thing, you are doing HER a favor by taking the risk for both of you.
All great love stories begin with a man who had “wishful thinking” and just went for what he wanted. The sooner you act upon this, the better it will be for your psyche, and so you don’t develop oneitis. You can read about oneitis here.