How to Cure Oneitis

My last article talked about oneitis, the tendency for men to fall too hard for one girl before they have a chance to gain mutual interest. This article will go into detail about how to stop yourself from liking a girl too much and too prematurely.

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1. Act sooner rather than later.

When you meet an attractive girl, you should make your move ASAP. Why? Because when you notice her, that is when you will start thinking about her.

And the more you think about her, the more you will like her.

The more you like her, the more you will be nervous.

The more nervous you get, the more insecure you will be.

The more insecure you are, the less confident you appear to women.

And the less confident you are to women, the less attractive you are to them.

Knowing this is how it plays out, the moment you meet a woman is when you like her the least (until you get to know her).

This is why you have to strike it while it’s hot! When it comes to women, the clock is a ticking bomb. If you don’t act quickly, you will just find yourself daydreaming about her beauty. You will idealize her and put her on a pedestal without even knowing it. You’ll start thinking silly things like, “I wonder if she has a nice laugh. I bet she has a sexy laugh…”

And then every time you see her again, you get more nervous. You may be nervous the first time you meet her, but that is the least nervous you will be compared to if you wait.

Acting sooner rather than later helps to cure oneitis because it doesn’t give you the chance to dream up this ficticious character. You get to know the person immediately. And the more you get to know a person, the more you will see they are flawed just like everyone else. People seem less intimidating, the closer you are to them.

Distance creates intimidation.

So close that gap!

guy talk

2. Don’t talk to your friends about her.

This is not a hard and fast rule. At the very least, you shouldn’t be talking to your buddies about her more than you are actually talking to her.

This rule is to get you in the right mindset. If you have the time to talk to your friends about her, it means you missed your opportunity to dive right in. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this term “Kamikaze.” When I was in school, if a guy was about to approach a woman, his buddies would be behind him before he made his move, chanting “Kamikaze! Kamikaze! Kamikaze!” As you may know, kamikaze is an honorable death. That’s what the buddies were implying, that their friend was about to approach a woman, a painful rejection akin to honorable suicide.

Most of the time, your buddies can’t really help you out, just because they can’t make the move for you. If they can help you out, the value your friends can offer you does not compare to the value of approaching a woman immediately. When you approach her immediately, you don’t have the added nervousness of waiting in anticipation. You just go in immediately. You will still be nervous, but you won’t be unnecessarily nervous because you haven’t been planning it out, deliberating and psyching yourself out.

The more you talk about a woman to others, the more you will like her.

This is just a fact. Especially if your friends don’t know her and they are just going by what you say. Because you don’t know her, all you see is perfection, no flaws. So your reality is distorted and you start to like her more and more.

If you are talking about her more than talking to her, this is when you know you need to go cold turkey and stop talking about her.

Talking about a woman less helps to cure oneitis because the less you talk about a woman, the less you think about her, and the less you think about her, the less you like her.

franklin and amanda meet cute

3. More action, less planning.

What guys don’t understand many times is that you need to approach a woman early on because the process is usually not a one time thing. Many times you have to keep approaching her over and over. This is the reason why you have to control your thoughts. If you’re not going to approach her early and often, STOP thinking about her. Why give her a place in your mind? When you give her place in your mind even before you start dating her, you’re making her bigger than she is. You’re “big dealing” her. Because it’s a difficult task to stop thinking about someone, I just advise men to stop planning and do more active pursuing.

There’s no reason to plan. Planning makes you look more staged and less natural. You have to go with the flow of conversation. Because it takes two to make that happen, you really can’t practice anything before hand. You just have to make the approach. Introduce yourself. Ask her how she knows the host. Talk about family, jobs and what she does for fun. Keep it light. Compliment her. Bonus points if you can make her laugh. Just take this information and go for it. No planning. Planning will cause you to overthink it, and overthinking it will make you nervous.

4. Don’t overthink it.

My brother was telling me about the girls he liked and didn’t like in college. He noticed that the girls he liked didn’t like him back, and the girls he didn’t like were the girls who actually liked him! Or he’d notice that when he stopped liking a girl that’s when she started liking him. Can you relate? The reason this happens many times is because a man is usually able to be himself around women they are not interested in. They have nothing to lose, so they don’t even think about it. They are natural and easy to talk to.

When a guy likes a girl, it’s harder for him to be himself. He has more to lose so he thinks about what he’s doing. He overthinks everything. My advice is to think of women you are interested in the same way you think of women you aren’t interested in. Here’s the caveat. You think of them in the same way, but you treat them differently. Your mindset and thought process needs to be:

I’m getting to know a new friend who could possibly be a romantic interest.

That way when you talk to her, you are comfortable BUT you are still complimenting her and flirting with her. Eh!!! Seems hard! It is, but with practice you can do it.

guys talking to the ladies at malecon in havanna, cuba

5. Meet every beautifiul woman with a discerning attitude.

She does not get the green light just because she is beautiful. You approach her not to convince her to go out with you, but to chat her up a bit, paying attention to any red flags.

Your goal in getting to know her is not to make her be with you but to see if there is inner beauty to match her outer beauty, to see if you want to be with her.

See how the tables turned? Realize that all you’re going by is looks when you first approach her, so if she rejects you right then and there, you’re only missing out on a hot chick. There are plenty of hot chicks. And she’s only rejecting you based on your appearance. She’s not giving you a chance at all, and her rejection is not personal. She doesn’t know you as a person, so she’s not rejecting who you are. It’s humbling to be rejected, but humility makes people attractive. Just embrace that you are attracted to only certain people and that’s the same with women. Dust yourself off and move on.

The whole point of prequalifying is in addressing that beauty is not all that is valuable in a relationship.

As you already know, dating can get expensive for men! Why not prequalify women before you take them out on dates? That way, you’re not just trying to take out women merely because they are beautiful. Raise the bar! You work hard to make a living. Remember, beauty is just beauty. Attraction is important, but in the long run, external beauty fades. You need a woman of inner beauty. That’s why you have to prequalify her.

Of course you’re not going to get to know her very deeply with just introducing yourself and having a couple of minutes of small talk, but at least you’ll be able to weed out women who already show you red flags in those few minutes.

Maybe you’re new to prequalifying. You have no idea where to start, or what to start looking for. Click here to read an article about what to look for in a woman. That will be a great starting point to help you be more discerning about the women you date.

Why women value being prequalified:

  • It shows you want them more than just for their looks or their body.
  • It shows they are not just a piece of meat, that you care about their non-external traits as much or more than their external appearance.
  • It shows you are being attentive, paying attention to what she is saying.
  • She’s not getting a free pass just because of her appearance. She feels challenged to prove she is worthy of dating.
  • She sees that you’re confident and not begging.

"A Day at North Ave. Beach" Chicago IL

6. Pursue multiple women

You’re not a player unless you tell a woman you want to be exclusive but you still date other women. When you’re pursuing a woman and neither of you has brought up the subject of exclusivity, you are free to date other women!

3 Benefits of Pursuing Multiple Women:

  1. Pursuing and dating multiple women helps you not be so nervous with the one you really like.
  2. It makes women not so intimidating.
  3. It gives you experience talking to women.

I asked my husband (one of the most confident men I know) why he was so confident when he met me in high school. He said, “Well, all I knew was that you were attractive.”

And that’s it guys!!! That’s exactly it! When you meet a hot girl, you have to have that mentality, that they have MORE to prove than just being beautiful.

All Nate knew was that he was attracted to me. It didn’t carry a lot of weight in his eyes. He told me he’s met many attractive women, but when you get to know them, sometimes they lose their attraction.

Basically, if you just look at beauty as only one factor next to other many things you want in a woman, then when you approach an attractive woman, you won’t be so nervous.

You will take more chances, take more risks because you don’t have much to lose. All you know at that point is that they are attractive on the outside. If they don’t give you a chance to know more, then you lose very little.

You can’t be confident and have oneitis. It’s like the stock market. It’s hard to feel confident if all your eggs are in one basket. If you know you can diversify, then you have greater confidence. It’s the same thing with women. If you have oneitis and only this one girl will do it for you, you have so much to lose! So pursue multiple women until one of them (that you also like) shows mutual interest and you want to only see her.

If you want private, personal advice on your specific situation, I offer email and phone consultations. Click here to learn more.

Good luck guys!

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Article written by:

I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

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  1. Justin

    Oh my goodness! Your incite is great! And you are totally right! I had/have oneitis! I did the exact thing you described! I saw a cute girl and talked to my friends about her until I psyched myself out and psychoanalyzed her until I was a flaming ball of nerves. I waited til the last day of school to talk to her, and that was just to give her my number. I was so terrified! I wish I found this article sooner! You are brilliant! Thank you!

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