Dating Advice

How to Be a Better Boyfriend/Husband


Find out how she likes to be loved by reading this book with her:The Five Love Languages

Don’t have time to read it? Take the 30 Second Quiz with her: Here

When she takes the quiz, you’ll find out her top love language. If you read the book, you’ll also find out where the others rank. For example, my top love language is Affirmation, followed Affection, Acts of Service, and Quality Time. Gifts rank last for me:

1. Affirmation
2. Affection
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Gifts

Having this knowledge is a really power tool. See, if I dated a guy who just kept on bringing gifts but never complimented me or verbalized his appreciation, he’d be spending money unnecessarily and I still wouldn’t feel satisfied in the relationship. I’d take adoring words over jewelry. But every person is different! There’s a place for all these love languages, it’s just a matter of figuring out which ones your significant other appreciates the most so you can put more energy into delivering those.

Here are some specific ways you can speak these five love languages: (Most of these are from my former boyfriends! So I know for a fact they will be appreciated!)

Acts of Service:

When you’re walking on the side of the road with her, be a gentleman and move over to the dangerous side of the road so she feels protected. Offer to carry her backpack.

Buy her lunch and bring it to her work, even if (especially if) it’s out of your way.

Help her with a project she has from school or work without having to be asked. Just say, “I want to help. What can I do?”


Surprise her with flowers at her work on a random, insignificant anniversary! My ex chose 2 months! Extra points because he got roses that were yellow with red tips. (knowing I wasn’t too hot on the red ones) All you need is her work address and you can send FTD roses in minutes.

Write her a love note. Written by hand.

Buy her favorite candy and hide it somewhere where she’ll be sure to find it later.

Make her a cd of songs and tell her “I think of you whenever I hear these songs. Now you can think of me thinking of you when you hear them.” If you can sing, make the last track of you singing a song you wrote for her. If you can’t sing, talk to her on the last track and tell her what you love about her.


Tell her, “You had me at hello.” (If it’s really true)

Whatever you’re thinking in your head, whenever you notice something about her that is wonderful, beautiful, admirable, adorable, sexy, cute (anything positive) or that makes you happy and grateful…. just say it out loud.

You can’t assume just because you think it, we know it. Appreciation is worthless unless it’s verbalized. All our effort to look beautiful and to be amazing is to get your attention. So if you notice, say something!

Tell her, “I love the way your mind works.” (if you really think that way)


Surprise her by hugging her from behind and kissing her cheek whenever she’s not looking.

Spontaneously grab her hand in public, bring it to your face, and kiss it while you look into her eyes.

Let her lay on your lap when you’re watching a movie and play with her hair. (EVERY girl LOVES this!!!!)

When you’re in public, whisper in her ear. Believe me, this is affection. The proximity of your mouth to our ears and the heat of your breath…. It’ll make us wish we weren’t in public!

Don’t limit your kisses to our lips. Kiss us on the forehead, on the nose, on our cheeks.

Put on some music, turn down the lights in the living room, and lead us in a slow dance. (We will melt in your arms!)

Quality Time:

Once in a while, when your friends want you to play basketball, tell her you’d rather spend time with her.

Remember you don’t have to be doing anything to enjoy each other’s company. Girls just like to be heard. They like to talk. They like to share their thoughts and feelings. Men don’t feel this way as often or as much.

It isn’t quality time if the tv is on. It isn’t quality time unless she has your undivided attention.

Sit on the hammock together.

Watch the sunrise.

Stay up a little longer in bed and just talk.

You may not have this great of a need to talk or be heard. Part of loving her is acknowledging this need and providing it for her even if you don’t understand it or need it in return.

I guarantee if you find out her love language and start putting these things into practice, she will be happier! And for those of you who are married, you know the saying, Happy wife, happy life!

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Article written by:

I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

Join the discussion

  1. New York Times Bestseller List

    I think we all need a little bit of the 5 love languages. It’s just if one of them, the most significant one to the individual, is significantly absent will we be unable to feel love from a partner.

  2. Ivan

    What do I do if I’m feeling jealous when my girlfriend spends time with her friends

  3. MidoriLei

    Well Ivan, ask yourself, what is the reason behind your jealousy? Are you worried that one of her friends like her? Are they male friends? If that’s not the case, if they are only females, then ask yourself is it because you feel like she puts them as a higher priority than you? It’s important to find out the WHY behind the jealousy so you can sort these things out. I have a friend who’s boyfriend gets jealous when she hangs out with her female friends even and it’s sad because she’s really in love with him. He has no reason to feel jealous. The thing is that he doesn’t have any other friends beside her so that’s why he feels jealous. He needs to expand his social circle so she’s not his entire world. Couples need to have friends besides each other.

  4. Joseph

    I am concerned about my own actions! I am a college student who is attending school in MO from NY. I dont have any ties to this community that the school is in. The last few weeks of the spring 2009 semester I met an amazing girl. She took my breath away the second I met her. However it was the last few weeks of the semester. The summer months I spent here at the school and she went home (an hour away), we hardly saw each other because niether had a car at this time. We text msg (thousands of times a day, literally), and chatted online when we were not texting. We did see each other during the summer). I have never been in a relationship of this caliber where I want nothing more than to be with this woman. Yet I often feel like the feelings are not reciprecated, even though I think that they are. I got so insecure during the summer months that I keylogged her computer (a program that monitors the keystokes), and because I can not lie I told her about it. I read(past tense, and kind of present tense) her text messages behind her back and in front of her. I did find somethings that suggested unfaithfulness, but they did not fan out. I invaded her privacy and yet she is still in a relationship with me, she has forgiven me of my inequities.
    For my part I have done sooo much for her, I even sat out the fall semester so that she can attend the university in my stead. I have tried romance, horseback riding-something she has never done before and wanted to do-, getter her gifts, and the smalls things, like a note or a video clip to bring her mood up, flowers just because, I even ran 20 miles one time just because she was not feeling well and I wanted to cheer her up (in a storm).
    I hardly get these little things
    I lost friends and even family during the summer, and dont have any other connections anymore here in MO except her.
    She and I are great Monday through Friday, but when she goes home on the weekends I seem to get crazy. We fight when she tells me she is out with her friends, or out with others. I think we fought just about everytime she has gone out with, or stayed in and drank!
    Is there something wrong with me?

  5. MidoriLei

    Hi Joseph, there is nothing wrong with you. On one hand your grand gestures of love are admirable. On the other hand, you cannot make this woman your world. It will only negatively impact both you, her and your relationship. She can be the one for you but she cannot be your only lifeline. You need friends of your own. You need a support system besides the woman in your life. You need a life outside of her. When men make their woman their only social outlet, they become possessive, controling, jealous… None of which are attractive. The women they are with start to question, “Why doesn’t this guy have friends?” Believe me, it is hard to date a loner. I’ve done it before. It was draining. At first it was flattering. I felt like he had let me into his world, a world that nobody else had been able to penetrate. But the problem is that once I entered that world, I could not bring my community into it. I lost friends in this process. A significant other should ADD to a person’s life, not take away from it. Time apart is healthy and necessary. It will make the time together that much more special. A girl need her time to be with her friends, family and coworkers without having to feel guilty or like she’s doing something wrong. You cannot be her everything. And she cannot be your everything. It is unhealthy and dangerous for your relationship to isolate yourselves from the world.

  6. Bret

    What do I do if I’m always getting mad when she leaves for a few days to go see her family?

  7. MidoriLei

    Hi Bret, read the comments above because they deal with the same principle, and as I will reiterate, it’s about finding out why you get mad. That would be the starting point. Unless you know why, it will be hard to fix the problem. What about her leaving to see her family makes you upset?

  8. tyler

    i’ve been dating my girlfriend for 4 years now… im 20… but now my girlfriend goes to college and lives there. we both have very busy lives and can only see each other maybe once a week, and when we do see each other, its with her friends or her family. i feel like im not important in her life anymore. we do not do anything romantic anymore. sometimes i wonder if she only dates me because we’ve been togeather for so long and shes just used to me, and i don’t know if i feel the same way or not. we both have different plans for our future, but i love the girl and i knows she loves me but i dont know if we’re in love. i don’t know what to do… please help me!

  9. MidoriLei

    That’s a tough one, Tyler. Have you opened up to her about this? My boyfriend and I only see each other on the weekends, so I know it can be done. Maybe just tell her that you want to spend some time with just her when you do see her because you feel like you guys need some quality alone time together. When you’re with other people, you aren’t able to put all your attention and focus on her. Then PLAN some fun things to do together. Check out some ideas here:

    And you can be the one to change things. You can be the one to initiate things that are romantic. You can sweep her off her feet. See, it’s really up to you guys if the relationship is going to be more “friendly buddy buddy” or “hot passionate” or “romantic and sweet.” And it can be ALL those things but you have to be the one to make it happen since you are the one that is aware of the problem. I commend you for bringing this up and wanting to make a difference. That’s AWESOME.

    different future plans, that doesn’t have to be a negative thing. (unless you guys are never going to live in the same city) my boyfriend and I don’t have similar plans at all, but we are here to support each other in our perspecitive goals and dreams. I want to be a dancer and make an online tv show, he wants to invent something and get in the genuis world of records.

    Lastly, remember, it’s up to you to keep the spark. This article will be really helpful I think:

  10. John

    I’ve been having a relationship over the internet with this wonderful lady but she always seems to want to flirt with other men who are both of our friends in front of me, i try to play it off on her firtascious attitude but sometimes it just feels like she likes to have more fun with them because i dont usually flirt with her asmuch as they do.
    Then when i say something about her flirting in front of me she tends to get angry with me and say that they just want her for sex but i want her because i love her and thats why shes with me. How do i convince her to stop flirting with me and prevent her from getting mad at me at the same time?

  11. MidoriLei

    Hi John,

    If she is your girlfriend and you have both decided to be exclusive, you can tell her frankly, “I know you may feel differently but I feel disrespected when you flirt with my friends. And you even do it right in front of me!” Let her know you want her but not at the expense of being disrespected. And make an effort to flirt with her! She wants to feel desired and wanted. Flirting helps with that. You don’t want to make her stop flirting unless you can provide that interaction with her yourself. By doing this, you are showing her that you are not wanting to take something away from her, but that you can provide that same kind of interaction.

    You can tell her, “look don’t be angry. If the tables were turned and I flirted with girls in front of you, you wouldn’t appreciate it either. If you know they just want you for sex, why do you flirt with them? YOu’re just teasing them and making me feel disrespected.”

    And stick with your guns. If she’s not willing to change, MOVE on. you deserve to be respected.

  12. Pingback: Part I: How to be a Better Girlfriend/Wife

  13. Pingback: Part I: How to be a Better Girlfriend/Wife «, meet local singles for online dating

  14. Gabe

    how do i get her to talk to me more? on a deeper level?because when i try, it seems not to work…

  15. MidoriLei

    gabe, have you read this article?

    Let me know if it helps or if you need more info:

    also, it’s important to ask deep questions to get a deep conversation… what questions have you asked her?

  16. luc

    hey ive only started a relationship with my girlfriend this may sound crazy but we met over the internet and we just ” clicked” we felt like we’ve known eachother for years and talked on the fone for 5 or 6 hours she even ran down the shops to buy credit to call me cause i ran out and at the end i asked her out and she said yes and we’ve been goin out for 6 days now and we live like 2000 kms apart wich is really gay. now i just got this feelin i dont matter to her she always tells me that she loves me and she wants to be with me forever but it just feels like she doesnt and now i really dont know what to do can u help??

  17. MidoriLei

    luc, how did her actions change? What changed to make you think she isn’t feeling it anymore?

  18. Dean

    I’m 18, just turned. I recently dropped out of school, and don’t have a job. I have a gf who will be turning 16. She accepts me, even though I’m sorta a loser. I’ve lost a lot of friends, and feel like I’m needy of her attention. I’m very jealous, I’m her first serious boyfriend. I have been in a few relationships. One for a year and a half. My gf is really loud, and seeks attention. From other guys. She tells me everything she does, like when she does it. She says sorry, and she doesn’t know why she does it. What does this mean? She tells me she loves me, she wants the same as me, and when we are together its perfect. We both agree that we are so alike. I’ve never met a girl with so much in common. I am getting back into school, and looking for work. For us. Her parents don’t know I’m not in school. We plan on being together for a while, but what to tell her parents when they expect me to graduate in June? So much is wrong here I know, but I feel so strongly about her, she’s all I got. She never calls, or likes to talk on the phone. I do. I bitch about it often, but what do I do? Do I just let her go? I don’t think I can. I’ve tried once, she cried in my arms, this is so weird. I’m so confused. HELP ME!

  19. MidoriLei

    Dean, if she doesn’t like to talk on the phone, hang out in person. As far as letting her go, you don’t have to let her go if she still wants to be with you…. just tell her you feel disrespected when she always wants attention from other guys. And shower her with attention… then maybe she won’t need it so much from other guys. Girls just want to be wanted. They want to be desired. Make sure you verbally express your feelings for her and compliment her often. Don’t say you’re a loser! You have to set the bar for your own worth. the world will not raise it! If you think you’re a loser, your girlfriend will think so too. and nobody wants to be with a loser:( Whatever you think makes you a loser, do something to change that. Make the most out of your life for yourself and for the people around you that you love. Also if you’re jealous, a girl can feel trapped. nobody wants to feel trapped. So love her without being possessive. Show her that you are there to make her life better, not to bring her grief. That is love… looking out for the needs of the other person, not just what we can get out of them. Good luck!

  20. antonio

    hello miss midori, im writting you from potugal, i justa started arelationship with this girl, we been together for 5 months, and its been great, i love her, i never felt what i feel for her before, but there is two things that bothers me.

    1 – almost every 2 or 3 weeks we argue, sometimes for stupid can we work this out??

    2 – there is this one guy, one ex from her, that keeps calling and texting her,trying to get back to her, i have already told her that this bodders me, and that he is really trying to get back, she insists in telling me that they are just friends etc etc.the thing is, that this behaviour/situation, creates a litle bit of insecurity in me, im really loving her and im afraid to loose can i deal this?? should i accept that they are just friends and trust her more??im very insecure and i dont know how to deal with this.

    thank you for your tim, im waiting for your answear.

  21. MidoriLei

    Greetings from Seattle to Portugal antonio!

    Let me ask you, do you like to argue? If you don’t like to argue over stupid things remember that the key to stopping an argument BEFORE it starts is to remember that it is more important to be kind than it is to be right. It is more important to hear out the other person than it is for you to be heard. Seek FIRST to understand before being understood.

    Don’t nitpick, meaning, sometimes we just have to let the little things go. It’s not worth messing up your relationship. Ask yourself, is opening my mouth about this little stupid thing worth all the effort it is going to take to undo all the damage I’m about to do? If it’s not worth it, forgive. Forbear. Let your unconditional love cover a multitude of imperfections and flaws she has. Ask yourself, how will ignoring this situation affect me in 10 minutes? 10 months? 10 years? If it doesn’t have long term consequences beyond just 10 minutes, maybe it’s not worth arguing about.

    About the ex, tell her, regardless of whether or not HE’S trying to get back with her or not, that isn’t the point. His intentions are not the point. The point is that her communicating with him is making you uncomfortable. Ask her,

    “I’m asking you to give him up for me. If his friendship means that much to you, then I ask you, what is it that he is giving you that I am not able to give? If it was any other male friend, I wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable, but just because you have a past with him, a romantic/sexual past with him, it makes me wonder. Maybe in the future I will feel more comfortable, but at this time, I’m not and i’m asking you, for the sake of our relationship, for the sake of making me feel respected, I’m asking you to choose me over him.”

    Be bold. See where she’s at. Ask her to try to put herself in your shoes. Be loving. Be gentle. Be kind. Don’t say this in anger but as a plea. As something that she would be doing for you, a favor that can strengthen your relationship. Tell her if the tables were turned you will do the same for her and in the future she can count on you to do that for her– to be willing to give up something for her if it made her that uncomfortable.

    then hear her out. Let me know if I can help you any more! Midori

  22. dakota

    I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for over 6 months…. And everything has been perfect till about 3 weeks ago… She and i have started arguing and its over stuff that ant even worth it….

    When i first meet her i was determined to get with her and she was the same about me she use to tell me how much she loved me and that she wonted to be with me forever and all of that… Well now she dont… And i am so scared of looseing her that all i think about is how i am going to loose her and all the negitive things how can i keep from doing that? I no that she wouldnt but i am always worried about it.

    The most important thing is we argue over stupid crap and when i try to talk to her she gets mad i get mad and it ends up so much bigger than what it really is… I dont know what is wrong but when i see something that bother me and i say something about it she takes it to heart everything i say she takes it to heart playing or not. Then instead of talking about it she gets mad and it goes way out of hand when all i did was ask her to try to help and fix the problem. And really i dont no what to do i have tried everything posible… i have told her that she is right and i am wrong that dont work just to prevent it. But when she says something to me i fix it without getting all mad.. now she has got to where she will not talk to me about anything she just wonts to drop it and i wont to talk so that we can get it fixed ya no…

    i love her alot and i am willing to do what ever i have to prevent this stupid arguing for happenning

  23. MidoriLei

    Dakota, read the above comment I wrote in response to antonio from portugal. It applies to you to, the part about how to stop arguing about petty things. Good luck!

  24. Dustin

    Hey i need some help Me and my GF have been dating for alittle over 3 years we are both 21. But about a week ago she got mad at me because i get jelous when she is around other male friends that are single. Out of nowhere she broke up with me and wont give me a reason she just keeps repeating i need time and space im so confused i have no clue what 2 do. I love her so much and she tells me she loves me 2 im just confused.

  25. MidoriLei

    Dustin, It’s really hard to date a guy who is jealous. That’s the truth. She loves you, she says so, but she doesn’t want to feel like you are controlling who she is hanging out with just because you’re dating her. Why do you get jealous around other male single friends? All they can do is look, she was yours. If you want to get back with her, your jealousy needs to stop.

  26. DB

    So,I’ve been having a lot of similiar issues with my lovely girlfriend like most these other people.We’ve been dating for almost two years now,knowing each other for almost 4 years.We love each other,there really isn’t anything we’d do for one another.Recently I got back from being in Colorado for 2 & a half months;We we’re supposed to move down there together,but she wasn’t ready to move so far away from home,when its her first move.We’re both still pretty young,her just 20 & myself almost 22.We’ve argued and fought in the past over stupid things,and in your other responses I’ve found really good advice about dealing with that. However,since I got back,I feel myself becoming really jealous.She went to prom with some 17year old she works with,”just as friends” but when i first asked about it,she lied to me and told me she didn’t go.I had to find out when I saw the album of pictures on her computer.And she also wrote a bunch of stuff in her journal,which I shouldn’t have read because it wasn’t mine and I don’t like her to read my journal.But she wrote about being drunk and messing around with other guys,and another entry about how much she loves her ex and how much he’s changed,she even wrote she had sex with him.He has herpes,so I’m pretty sure she didn’t sleep him.But when I confronted her about this stuff,she told me it was just her thinking and writing about her life if I weren’t in it,and that she was just crazy.What do I say to that? I got upset with her,but quickly tried to calm myself and believe what she had to say about it.I love her very,very much,& i know she loves me,but why would she do those things?Everything you’ve replied to everyone else,has been very helpful to me on certain issues,but I’m really not sure how to handle this one.
    I GREATLY appreciate any advice you could give me! Thanks!

  27. MidoriLei

    I’m terribly sorry about your situation. Your situation greatly differs from others because it looks like your woman lacks one very important trait: Integrity. Just from your post, you have mentioned:

    she lied about going to the prom
    she lied when she got caught- flat out even! (even though you shouldn’t have read her journal)
    she went to prom with another guy without even telling you about it or seeing if it made you uncomfortable
    She has cheated on you with other guys (multiple!!!)
    She’s still in love with her ex but hasn’t told you
    She’s cheated on you with her ex

    Sweetie, if she is writing these things and then trying to cover them up just by saying “that was just me thinking about how my life would be without you in it,”

    THAT IS JUST WRONG! You shouldn’t be with someone who is even CONTEMPLATING acts of cheating with random guys or being with her ex who she’s in love with.

    Respect yourself. If she really loves you she wouldn’t be writing that she is still in love with her ex. She wouldn’t be going to the prom with some guy without making sure you are okay with it. She wouldn’t have messed around with other guys or had sex with her ex. She wouldn’t lie even after she got caught. Instead she would be repentant, and truly sorry. BUT SHE TRIED TO COVER IT UP.

    You want a kind of love that speaks through actions NOT just words.

    Through her actions she is proving she really does not love you. And maybe it’s not even you. Maybe she doesn’t even know what it means to truly love someone else unselfishly and sacrificially. I’m sorry you have to hear this truth from me, a complete stranger. But it’s a kind of tough love that in the long run you will be grateful for if you heed it.

    Many men have fallen into the trap of a deceitful, dishonest, malicious woman and their end is ruin. Do not be one of them!

    Please read this article about integrity:

    Good luck! I’m here to help!

  28. DB

    Well,as far as the prom thing goes,she metioned to me a few months back before I left to Colorado.She never said if she was going to go or not,but I did express my discomfort.
    As far as her cheating on me,at least with her ex,I’d like to believe thats a lie because he really does have a VD.And she is very aware of this.
    I just don’t understand at all.And the ex she was writing about is from a few years ago,high school stuff,but he cheated on her left and right,so why would she even think about him like that?
    If she really loves me then no,she shouldn’t be doing any of those things.
    And I’ve clearly expressed how I feel about,but she refuses to discuss it anymore than what she already told me,thats she’s just crazy and thinks about her life without me.
    I mean she threatened to break up with me if I just didn’t leave it at that.If her answer weren’t good enough for me then too bad.
    Half of me wants to believe,and the other half of me doesn’t.
    We’ve both given each other so much of our time and feelings and affection.
    I don’t know how I can just throw it all away.I should respect myself,but I don’t know what to do when I’m torn in two directions.

  29. MidoriLei


    Please heed these words of wisdom. You must not lose hope that there is someone out there who is better. This woman was cheated on… and now she has become the cheater. Be wise and do not think that you must continue on with this person just because of all the time and effort and emotions you have already put into it. You are young and you have a whole life ahead of you if you make a fresh start…

    Proverbs 5
    Nothing but Sin and Bones
    1-2 Dear friend, pay close attention to this, my wisdom; listen very closely to the way I see it.
    Then you’ll acquire a taste for good sense;
    what I tell you will keep you out of trouble.

    3-6 The lips of a seductive woman are oh so sweet,
    her soft words are oh so smooth.
    But it won’t be long before she’s gravel in your mouth,
    a pain in your gut, a wound in your heart.
    She’s dancing down the primrose path to Death;
    she’s headed straight for Hell and taking you with her.
    She hasn’t a clue about Real Life,
    about who she is or where she’s going.

    7-14 So, my friend, listen closely;
    don’t treat my words casually.
    Keep your distance from such a woman;
    absolutely stay out of her neighborhood.
    You don’t want to squander your wonderful life,
    to waste your precious life among the hardhearted.
    Why should you allow strangers to take advantage of you?
    Why be exploited by those who care nothing for you?
    You don’t want to end your life full of regrets,
    nothing but sin and bones,
    Saying, “Oh, why didn’t I do what they told me?
    Why did I reject a disciplined life?
    Why didn’t I listen to my mentors,
    or take my teachers seriously?
    My life is ruined!
    I haven’t one blessed thing to show for my life!”

  30. shawn

    hi, me an my gf have been together for about 5 months, and shes pregnant. i found out that she told some other guy on the internet how sexy he was. Would you consider that cheating? i asked her about it and she played it off as no big deal. she said its not like i was asking for his number or giving him mine and wanted to hang out with him. she still hangs out with her ex, but i know he wants her back. she texts her an says hey sexy or hey baby when you gonna come see me i miss you. she says she only goes over there to see his daughter wich i have no problem with, i just dont know if i should be trusting enough to be ok with that. what should i do? sometimes i just wanna pack up an go but ino im still in love with her.

  31. MidoriLei

    i’m so sorry shawn. Even though it is not “technically cheating” her actions make you feel disrespected. I would approach her about this and ask her to turn the tables. If you don’t have someone who is willing to make changes in how they speak to people of the opposite sex because it makes you feel uncomfortable, then they don’t care enough about your feelings and you are in a relationship that is really one sided. but it is important to voice out that you feel disrespected and to explain yourself and give the other person a chance to understand your point of view. speak the truth, but do it lovingly.

  32. joel

    hi, I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend over 8 months now. I love her very much and she’s everything to me. Sometimes we fight for stupids things but we always work it out. I found her very attractive, very beautiful, nice, caring, etc…. I know she loves me, and I love her too. But when she tells me that she’ll be hanging out with other people tonight, even hanging out with only girls, why I feel weird, uncomfortable, jealous but I know that I’m a very jealous man but still, I know I should not be like that and i know a should not feel like that but, it just stronger than me. It’s not that I don’t trust her…. i really don’t know why I’m like that… can you please help me with this?

  33. MidoriLei

    joel, does she say or do anything to make you not trust her or to make you feel this way? Or have you been cheated on in the past?

  34. joel

    hi, yes I’ve actually been cheated on in the past. And no not really, she does normal and ‘okay’ things that I should not be jealous of it but I am. When she’s with her friends or something like that, and she talks to me on the phone or I see picture of it later on, she seems to have so much fun when I’m not with her, and I put in my head that she is actually having more fun when I’m not there. And every other guy is like flirting with her and teasing her all the time, believe me she’s very attractive all every other man that know her will say that too, but this makes me so jealous. Like other guys commenting on his profile pic on facebook and says, wow you’re hot, right after my message who says : you’re too beautiful babe, love you forever my love <3. I know I should not be jealous but… Also her ex started to text her and said that they should hang out sometimes, I heard that one from his girlfriend who accidentally saw his text messages. When I heard it, it was like, 100 conclusion in my head, (he’s falling back for her, she’s falling back for him, etc). But yes I’ve been cheated on the past,

  35. cele

    @DB – read and re-read what Midori wrote on June 30th, 2010 at 12:52 am.

    yes it is hard to swallow and accept because you want it work so much. the signs are there – take heed. consider this – in your darkest hour, at your worst, would you ever do those things to her ? if yes, then i guess you two are meant for each other. if no, then realize that she is doing these things because you are not important in her life right now. its great that you are around and she probably recognizes a lot of good qualities in you but she does not value you enough right now. the way you feel about her is probably the way she feels about her ex.

    so, if you are a glutton for punishment, stick around – she may eventually give up on her ex and if you are still around she may then decide that you are now the man in her life. the operative word here being “MAY”. she may also NOT choose you even after she has moved on.

    i would suggest that you start dating other women. this does several things for you:
    1) you eventually stop focusing on her so much because you start to see other great women out there.
    2) you start to improve your sense of self worth as you discover other women who actually appreciate you
    3) even if you eventually end up together with her, you will no longer accept being mistreated
    4) she will value you more as she realizes that there are other women who want you – you will now be worth fighting for
    5) you may actually meet another woman that will outshine her into a distant memory of a low moment in your life

  36. MidoriLei

    cele, you give wise counsel:) thanks for your input!

  37. TJ

    Well, my girlfriend says I don’t treat her like she’s my girlfriend. And, she is my first serious relationship, so I kinda need advice on how to do that and get more serious. She says I’m too immature, and everything I do ticks her off. She says I treat her like a friend, or a friend I have a crush on, or a best friend, or something of the sort.
    Help, please?

  38. MidoriLei

    TJ, I would ask her more specifics… ask her, what can I do to treat you more like a girlfriend? Please excuse me since this is my first serious relationship. Tell her that, and tell her that you want to please her but just need to know more details.

  39. Johnny


    I’ve been married for 10 years (almost 11 next month). Just a few days ago I had to find out why my wife was “pushing me away”. To have me leave when she’s feeling confused about love. I’ve even asked if she had someone else but I got a no answer. The next day she finally shared her password to her email account (everysince we been together we have always shared) to build our relationship based on trust. I discovered that she had feelings for this other male, and has tried to meet him occsionally (but failed after all 3 of us talked). Now that I know the truth, it has been hard for me to accept their friendship for which they want to continue. My wife and I have scheduled an appointment for a marriage councelor. Let me know how I should approch my feelings approprately. My wife says they just got off the wrong foot at the start. The concerns I have is if they continue their friendship then their so called “loving” relationship builds, and possibily I’d lose everyone. Thanks!

  40. MidoriLei

    Hi Johnny, sorry to hear about your situation. What I would do is ask her the following questions with love and a real desire to know her and her reasons for her wanting a close male friend other than you:

    1. Ask her what made her grow to have feelings for this other man. This can be the key to showing in what way you are lacking in the way you are relating to her.
    2. Ask her what she means about how you got “off the wrong foot at the start.”
    3. Ask her what could you do different (stop doing this start doing that… etc) in your relationship so that she will find the relationship more satisfying

    The key isn’t to take away her freedom from having this male friend or acting like the jealous husband. The key is acknowleding that her wanting to stray is directly related to something you are not providing her. A man will own up his end and take responsibility. Then make the changes once she opens up to you.

    What you want is for her to be the one who lets the friendship with this male go. You want her to feel so loved that she does not need to or desire to look for male frienships. You want it to be her decision to love you and choose to be with you.

    If she is unwilling, there is nothing you can do, but if she is willing to go to a counselor with you, it shows a desire to work through the relationship.

    I’m here to help!

  41. Johnny

    Thanks MidoriLei!

    I wished that I had recieved this before our talks yesterday night. I did some research myself and relized that I dont normally give complerments to my wife. Even the little thoughts that I had (how she looks, smells, etc.) , but never really thought it was a approprate time to express them.

    Last night, we had a talk and giving comlerment or showing apprications seemed to be the key reason why she “started off the wrong foot” with this guy. It is hard for me to accept their friendship, although I did talk to the guy on the phone as man we understand eachother now. So, I’m willing to try and trust their relationship even though I think it really sucks to gamble with love. I notice one thing that I need is a female friend for help, I hope you’ll continue this blog and be a friend.



  42. MidoriLei

    It’s never inappropriate to give her a compliment; even in public you can whisper it in her ear. What it sounds like is that she is missing feeling desired and wanted by you. Women need a lot of attention! It’s true! Think about it, even as little girls, girls are different than little boys. Boys want to wage war and shoot at things and get in fights. Girls just go up to their daddies, twirling around in a pretty new skirt and say stuff like, “Look at me! Look at me!” Then daddy will say, “Wow, you look beautiful!”

    This need doesn’t go away. I haven’t written in awhile as I’m tending to my new marriage:) But I am here to be a friend and be helpful in any way I can!

  43. Adamlh


    On November 7 will be mine and my girlfriends one year anniversary I am in the army reserves and we are 3 years apart I live in Nebraska and just got back from military training she lives in Virginia and I am planning and moving to be with her she left a month before I did for training and ever since then we fight a lot I love her and I wish to marry her when we were both together in Nebraska sexual things seemed to happen a lot and it made our relationship crumble she calls me constantly and gets mad when I don’t answer I don’t do it to hurt her I do it because we seem to fight a lot on the phone I am an extremely jealous guy because I feel unattractive and I know that she is extremely beautiful its hard to think that with the way she dresses she isn’t getting hit on by other guys in school I have done things to her that she does hold against me and made her lose trust for me and I regret doing them I don’t know what to do and I’m finding myself lying to her about not Answering the phone I can’t lose her she is the woman of my dreams and I know she feels the same she just doesn’t feel loved or like I care or that I want her and she’s told me this please please please help this soldier out

  44. MidoriLei

    Hi soldier,

    Start over. Ask her how she feels loved, how she feels cared for and then do those things for her. For example, for me, my love language is quality time. Alot of talking, listening, sharing of feelings etc… find out what her love language is and cater to it. Also STOP lying. there is no place for dishonesty in a relationship where trust is key. Stop the sexuality outside of being in a committed marriage. Go down that route. When you do it the right way, you will be blessed. Tell her you want to marry her if that’s what you want to do. And then tell her that you want to and are willing to work on your relationship so she can trust you and feel loved and cherished. Before my husband and I got married, we did long distance for five months. It can be done, although it is difficult. But it can’t be done without utmost trust.

  45. TJ

    Well, I’m back. You helped with the last problem, so here’s the new one. My girlfriend doesn’t like my dad. Why? Because she thinks he doesn’t like her. He says he like her, although I’m not totally convinced. My dad has a problem when I let her use my phone. He thinks it’s some big thing to give up. That we don’t have good boundaries, and that we’re too serious. We’ve been on and off for 3 years this December, but things only started getting more serious in March. Then we took a break in May, and got back together in August. She recently came over to our house for the first time. That night we went to a movie, and she came over again the next day. Except we watched a movie at our house. That’s when he said we’re going too fast, which I think is ridiculous.
    Anyways, my question is, how do I prove to her that he likes him
    And how do I prove to my dad that we’re going at a fine pace?
    As it is, she refuses to go anywhere with me if he’s there.

    Keep in mind, sophomore in high school.


  46. MidoriLei

    TJ, first I think you should have a heart to heart with your dad. He loves you, and it would be wise to take his counsel. Ask him, “Dad, is there anything about ______ that you think I should be worried about?”

    “anything about her character or who she is as a person that bothers you?”

    “What do you mean when you say that you think we are getting too serious?”

    “how would things be different if you could change my situation with her?”

    Tell him “I value your opinion dad and take these things to heart. I want to be wise about her because I really do love her and in my opinion I feel like we are going at a fine pace because I see her in my future. Does this concern you?”

    Whatever he says, let me know so that I can help you bring these things up to your girlfriend in a loving and truthful way. Because if she is someone you see in your future and things are getting serious, then she definitely wants to be in a place where she feels not only comfortable around him but actually enjoys him.

    There’s no way that you can prove to her that he likes her if he says one thing but his body language around her is distant or closed off. The first thing is that you need to talk to your dad honestly as a son seeking guidance so that you can get to the bottom of what’s going on.

  47. Rob

    Hi, I’ve been dating my gf for the better part of two years. I’m a sophmore in college and she’s a freshmen this year. Things were great in the begining but now I feel depressed all the time about it. I do great things for her, things that I don’t really have to do. I live at home and drive to class (about twenty minutes away with no traffic) and drive to work (about thirty minutes away with no traffic) i work a part time job so i dont make that much money and most of it is spent on her and gas. I buy her stuff she needs for her dorm, such as chips water and ink for her printer. I also drive her around when she’s home. But when I feel guilty when i ask her if she could pay for stuff. i have low self confidence as it is, because she’s like the most amazing woman ever, and i dont think i deserve her and at times she acts like she’s better than me. Is there something wrong with me for thinking that something is wrong with everything, or do i just need to man up and deal with all this issues?

  48. MidoriLei

    Hi Rob, I’m sorry your relationship is bumming you out right now. Why do you say you don’t think you deserve her? Also, what do you mean “she acts like she is better than me?” I can better advise you if you can give me some more details about these comments you made. It sounds like you may be feeling frustrated because you are giving so much and the feeling of care and devotion are not being reciprocated?

    here to help!

  49. nick

    okay well me and my girlfriend have been together for a little over a year and she is best friends with her ex and I don’t like him but I deal with him cause I would like to see her happy but he trys to make moves on her and she says she still wants him around and i don’t know how to feel about it I mean it makes me angry at times because it seems like she doesn’t consider how I feel I mean I tell her exactly how I feel but idk if it affects her at all. please some advice would be greatly appriciated thanks.

  50. MidoriLei

    hi nick, have you tried gently asking her to turn the tables? “how would you feel if my I had an ex girlfriend and you knew she liked me and would try to make moves on me? I don’t mind you having male friends, I just feel like your ex disrespects me because he still hits on you.”

    another thing to consider is why are they not even together? Her and her ex? If she has not broken ties with her ex, and they are best friends, It means they have sexual chemistry and have a great friendship together too. Why are they not together?

  51. nick

    alright well I did try that already. and I tried to ask her that stuff too and she won’t talk about it. she just says leave me alone even though I put it gently. so idk what you can. tell me to get it straight I tried everything you said already before you even told me.

  52. MidoriLei

    nick, if she is unwilling to give that information to you, it’s just so disrespectful. She tells you to leave her alone? Maybe you should leave her alone and break it off. If you want to be in a good relationship, a good relationship is transparent and both parties are willing to do what it takes to make the other person feel secure in the relationship. She obviously isn’t doing that. You need to question her devotion to you. Does she care more about you or her ex? From her attitude and her response, it looks like you are competing with her ex and her ex may be winning. Sorry to give it to you straight. I know it’s hard to hear, but I don’t want you to be in a situation where you are caught between two people who care deeply about each other who obviously haven’t broken off ties with each other. There’s still something there. I want you to be loved singularly by a woman who only wants you and who puts your feelings first. Above her own, above that of her ex or her friends or anyone.

  53. nick

    I honestly don’t know who she cares about more. I guess I should just break it off i really dnt want to but if it’s not meant to be it’s not. she told me that if I want us I have to change completely and I don’t think that’s right at all. because it makes it seem like she just wants me to be a “yes man” and I mean Id do anything for my girl but Idt I can change who god made me and idk if it sounds rude but I told her. if you can’t accept me for who I am and respect my feelings I’m sorry but I don’t think it will work because I need someone who loves me for who I am.

  54. MidoriLei

    You’re right Nick! someone once told me (a teacher) that people don’t really change. They just become more of who they really are. So I’m sure you could “change” for a girl but it will only be temporary. Eventually you can’t help but be yourself. It takes too much work to be somebody else. Might as well find someone else who:

    1. Loves the person you are.
    2. Isnt’ stuck on their ex.
    3. Wants to make you feel secure in the relationship.

    You may not “feel” like leaving her, but when your logic knows you are getting the short end of the stick, you have to listen to your logic. Your heart may feel something strong for this woman, but that doesn’t mean it can’t feel something stronger for someone else in the future. Settle for more. Allow yourself to be free to meet a quality woman.

  55. Brian

    I have been dating this girl for almost four years now. We have a son who is almost two. We have lived together practically ever since we met each other. I have a tendency to complain about the things that she does not do around the house. I do not think that she pulls her weight around the house. She always says that I never commend or recognize her for the things that she does do. I know that I could be better at doing that. Mhy job has me working from 5:30am to 4-5pm monday thru friday. Her job has her working Monday thru Saturday with one day off during the week. Her hours are 12pm-9pm Monday thru friday and 9-630pm on saturdays. I do get jealous or irritated when she wants to go out with friends after work or whenever because I feel that we never get see each other. SHe is sleeping when I leave for work in the mornings and I go to be about 10 or 11 pm because I have to wake up so early for work. I just feel like we dont harldy ever get time together for us and for our son. What do you think? Another issue is one of her guy friends. He just got a job where she works and they have been txting a lot lately. THey have been friends for a long time now and she says that that is all they have ever been was just friends. Well I know that I should not have done this but I went through her txt messages and I found a txt that said something about them flirting. She txtd him and said something to fact that people my percieve hopw they act as flirting. That did not go over well with me. I confronted her about this ande she said that she used the wrong word or something like that. FLirting was not the right word for what she was trying to say. I told her that if how they act towords one another could be percieved as flirting that it was inappropriate to do and that I did not like it. I asked her to stop txting him and hanging out with him if I wasnt there. Her and him and some people from their work sometimes goes out for a drink after work. She also told me that since they are good friends and have been for a while that they sometimes exlcude themselves from the group conversation and go off into their own world of conversation and laugh and joke around. Well after I read that txt message I asked her to stop hanging out with him period if I wasnt around even if there were other people around. Is this wrong of me? Any advice or critisism is welcome.

  56. MidoriLei

    Hi Brian,

    I completely feel for you and the situation you are going through. I understand your frustration about the guy friend and your feeling that your girlfriend is not helping enough around the house. From the information you gave me, you work about 55ish hours? She works about 54ish hours? Is that correct? I think that is the first big issue. You both work too many hours. There are 168 hours in a week. If you minus sleeping time, (about 8 hours a night) that leaves you with 112 hours. Lets minus work time= 57 hours. Let’s account for an hour commute a day- to work, groceries, errands etc (time in the car)= 50 hours. Let’s deduct 3 hours a day to eat and prepare food (3 meals)=21 hours left. That leaves you about 3 hours a day give or take with free time… and that’s probably going to be eaten up easily with chores, spending time with your daughter, bills, tv or internet time etc…

    The big thing is that you both don’t have margin in your life. Without that time for your relationship, time specifically set aside each day to be together, communicate, enjoy each other’s company, even just do nothing together, what do you really have but a life that’s all work and no play? With three hours left each day (give or take), is it no wonder that she wants to spend that time not cleaning house?

    I know this is a crazy idea, but if there is any way you can downsize your life, lessen your monthly bills and rent/mortgage, pay down any debt you may have… so that you guys can free up time in your life to dedicate to your relationship, you will both be happier. I’m a big believer in the one income household, with the wife only having the option to work. Then she can be the queen of your home, raise your daughter, manage the affairs of your household. If you both love your jobs and cannot conceive of this kind of world, is there any way to reduce the amount of time you spend at work to devote to your family? How would she feel about these possibilities?

    All I am saying is that the answer to your situation is not going to be easy. It’s going to take a drastic lifestyle change. why? Because you cannot create more time in a day. You cannot conjur up more energy than what your body has. You are both depleting your energies by allowing work to dominate your time.

    In regards to the “guy friend:” I don’t believe it is wise for women in committed relationships to have these guy best friend types. There is always a flirtatious element in male and female friendships especially if both find the other attractive. There is nothing you can do about this. Nonetheless, as the man in the relationship who is affected by this close friendship, forcing her to stop texting this man or stop hanging out with this man will take away her freedom, and the natural response to having your liberties taken away is for you to number 1: rebel or number 2: desire more that which has been labeled as prohibited.

    What are your options then? You must woo your woman back into this flirtatious relationship with you. You must help her transfer the closensess she has with this man and channel it to your relationship. and the only way to do this is to give her freedom, (but you can let her know that it makes you feel uncomfortable) and work again to win her affections. You can only win the affections of a woman through romance, love, tenderness, attention, an eagerness to care for her, never through demands.

    Basically, be for her what this man is trying to be for her. Be that man and you will remove his role from the picture.

    See, you have to acknowledge that there is not blame in this relationship. She has failed you in ways. And you have failed her in ways. If she is seeking this exciting connection with a guy friend, it means she is not receiving this from you. I know your time demands are a large part of the equation, but you must own and take responsibility for the role you have taken.

    Even if you feel let down with her lack of taking household responsibilities, this message you are sending to her is giving her the message: I am disappointed in you. I am only happy with us and with you when you deliver.

    Show your love is unconditional and that even if the house is a mess, you still love her. That this partnership isn’t about her working equally to you both in the home and outside. Show that you are a team and that this situation is both your problems, not just hers. Show your care. Show understanding that you are both working too much and that your relationship is suffering.

    Here to help!


  57. Harrison

    I had an argument with my girlfriend the other day, i wish i could take back all the stuff i said to her back. I tryed sorting everything out with her today but i just feel like she doesn’t wanna go out wif me anymore. i love her to much to let her go, i dont wanna loose her. i tryed making this relationship work before but we just keep having arguments. i wish i could just say something to her to make everything alright. all im asking is, i need some advice, how do i make it up to her? how can i win her back?

  58. Harrison

    never mind now, doesn’t matter, i’ve sorted everything out.

  59. Harrison

    Dont worry now, i’m sorry for waisting your time. was just feeling abit down, didn’t know what else to do! sorry, won’t waist your time ever again.

  60. Harrison

    can you just delete these messages and forget i ever wrote a comment on here. thankyou.

  61. MidoriLei

    Harrison, well I’m here if you need me! I’m glad it worked itself out!

  62. hunter


    Tell us more about listening. How is a woman convinced that I heard her thoughts and feelings?

  63. Anonymous

    This is very nice! I read about the 5 love languages some time back.. good to read them here again and remind myself!

  64. Saeed

    I’m with a nice girl,,, we have been together since 2 years ago, but there is a problem!!!
    when i tell her, i love you,, or sth like this,,, or whatels,, she does not believe me…
    what shoud i do?

  65. MidoriLei


    ask her why. genuinely probe her and try to get to her heart. Ask her “What do you mean?” “What keeps you from believing this?” “Is there something I do or a way I act that contradicts what I say?”

    let me know what she says!

  66. jonathan

    dear MidoriLei,
    i just happened upon this website because i seek advice that i may not be able to get anywhere else. my Girlfriend and I are going though a problem…well I am the one with the problem. she wants to go to college to further improve herself and i am all for that, but in the back of my head i have those thoughts of prople making those “once in a life time choices” and she and i get into arguements about it and in the end it sounds like i am trying to hold her back (but im really not trying to). she says if we are meant to be we will make it through these hard times. i want to be supportive of her choices because she is being supportive about my firefighting career or soon to be career. we love each other so much and i would just die to see her slip from my arms because of a mistake (that she may never do) i just think it is late at night and i am just going crazy now haha. well i think i just answered my own problem now, but if you have any advice that you would like to share with me please tell me because i dream of the day where i get on my knee and ask her to marry me, but i also saw you wrote down some Bible verses in a response and i have/had a faith but i have slipped away a little bit but im trying to get back into it but if you have any other useful Bible verses (even though they all are) i would love to hear them. thank you for your time and sorry if i have waisted it.

  67. MidoriLei


    Welcome:) good luck on your firefighting dream! My husband was a firefighter for 6 years before he retired from it. Let me ask you, what keeps you from wanting her to go to college? Will she be far away? Is it the choice of the career she wants to pursue? I’d love to help you further, just need more details and clarification. Also, you are not wasting my time! I’m here to help:)

    Also, what keeps you from marrying this girl now and making your dream a reality?

  68. MidoriLei

    jonathan, also…

    what is this you are talking about?

    “i would just die to see her slip from my arms because of a mistake (that she may never do)”

  69. jonathan

    hello there again, she wants to go to ODU and thats not that far away from me about an hour and a half to two hours, but my biggest fear is that there will be guys there that might be better then me in many ways that sweet talk her into doing stuff or they are just better and win her over from me. i know this is wrong for me to think this because we do love eachother its just always in the back of my head and it is for a career but she said she doesn’t want to go through with the marital stuff until after school and the only reason she gave me for that is that she doesn’t want to be held back…and held back from what? i don’t know what it is and my fears get the worst of me and i always think she wants to have “fun” you know what i mean? and that one mistake is if she goes to a party at college because they always happen theres the mistake of letting a guy sweet talk her and he as just one thing on his mind and it wouldn’t be the unfinished homework on his desk. ever since i have started a relationship with my angel i have become full of fear of the “what ifs” and its not that i don’t trust her its just that i DO NOT want to lose her. i have never been scared before, i walked into a cage (ufc fighting cage) wieghing 152lbs and fought a grown man wieghing 185lbs and i got the crap beat out of me i was sent to the hospital because the medics thought i broke my neck and my brother was there but my parents had no idea i was fighting and when they told me not to move or i might become perilized the only words that came out of my mouth to my brother as he had tears coming down his face (as did mine) was “call Amber please call her and tell her i love her!” and that is when i became scared and scared that i might not see her again and all that bad things, i could not think of anything else and as the brought me out of the building a woman layed hands on me and prayed and thats when i realized that this could be serious and i just wanted to hold my girlfriend :'( it brings tears to my eyes still because i could have been perilized. what im trying to get at is the feeling that i get when im with her and the pain i get when im away from her is sooooo freakin great it is indescribable i love her so much and i don’t want to lose her :'(

  70. Hell Heart

    Never mind I kno what to do, I found out what’s really goin on.

  71. Hell Heart

    She says she just want them as a friend. She says she’s friends wit all her x boyfriends and loves me on top. She had lots of shit down on her life but she felt safe wit me, she says she can trust me but hate when I so called wine when I feel somthing is wrong. Idky she dnt ever just want to talk to me about it and when I get to the point she laughs at me wit that I dnt give a fuck atatude. And I hate that. And I dnt trust her wit that x cause. He once stole her from me, and till this day, I remeber that pain in my heart that burt to hell, my mined went lose and my body sences want to be hurt my brain wanted every drug that hurt it. And waking up that next day hopping it was back to normal, pray and all, but yet it really happen. It happen to me. A true Hell Heart I was so fucked in the head that it hurts my feet. And after that I realized love isn’t 100 percent sweet. Its 50 50. Hatechered and love. My heart was only able to take that one more hit and it did. I have no armor , my heart is opened for attack.

    And yet they say girls apose to be emosional but I dnt see much. All I see is lies and hate. I’m so in love wit this girl but she just dnt show me much. Idk how I could trust it. My friends say just let her be and shell come to u. But I never broke her heart as she did me so what I need to kno. Is who’s rite her or me? Tell me asap

  72. My middle name is Keoni

    It has taken me over two years to finally make the move to win the girl of my dreams. Everytime I tried before I was met with obstacles or my own cowardice. And it was in my cowardice that my EX-best friend asked her out, I understood it was fault for letting her slip away once more and so I was a good friend and supported him. This year she broke up with him and I knew this would be my last chance to confess my feelings for her. But alas, my “friend” still had feelings for her and I tried to withhold my feelings but the pain was too great. With the help of a mutual friend I finally gained the courage to ask her out and I’ve never regretted my decision. It’s almost been four months now and I want to know some ways to show her I love her with all my heart. I’m a junior in high school and I see her in my future and I want to do everything I can to show her how much I love her. She’s an incredible girl and she deserves the best I can give her. Please Help

  73. MidoriLei

    My middle name is Keoni,

    How about writing her a beautiful, sincere heartfelt love letter professing your deepest feelings towards her? Read my latest post. You can get the book on cd and be inspired by “Love letters of great men”

    Just remember that a woman’s greatest need is to have a partner who can meet their emotional needs. A woman needs a man who can listen to her talk about her feelings, who will romance her. That is what women mean when they talk about wanting men to be romantic. Romantic has to do with reaching her at a heart level. This is something that takes practice, it takes learning how to ask questions and being interested in her life and her thoughts.

    A hand written love letter will do this grandly!

  74. My middle name is Keoni

    Thank you so much for your advice, I will let you know how it works out ^_^

  75. hunter

    “Love letters of great men,” who wrote it?

  76. Anonymous

    Really wonderful advice! Never really realise all these until now.. will let my friends know about this as well!

  77. SJEAN

    I will love to read an article on how to be gf and wife or better woman in general.

  78. John

    i dont understand my girlfriend at all. ive been with her for 5 months. and i love her. if i even think of breaking up with her i start to tear up…gay right. anyway, its not like we are dating, its like we are bestfriends who hook up and love each other. so we tell each other how we feel. but she never opens up to me. ever. and idk what to do. i only learn about her ‘past’ after/during fights. and lately ive felt like im not even good enough for her. like i feel lke i can never do anything right. i love her, and honestly would marry her if i coulddddddddddddddd. but yeah. i just wanna know how to get her to open up,

  79. MidoriLei

    John, it will take a lifetime to understand a woman. That’s so sweet what you wrote and it’s not ‘gay.’ It’s sincere and heartfelt. What do you want her to open up about? In order to help her out, you have to “draw it out” of her. What do I mean by that? I mean you have to ask her the questions, give her the reason to say something. What is it that you want to know? Have you asked her questions and she doesn’t want to respond?

    why do you feel you are not good enough for her? We are all flawed humans. No one is better than another. We all make mistakes. You are on equal footing as her.

    Here are some questions that can help the ball rolling onto deeper subjects:

    I can also help you think of other questions based on what it is you want her to open up about… let me know!

  80. mike

    hey there…i do everythin that u have told but i have 1 problem which she hates n i supoose all girls will hate…i get jealous fast…. i mean its because i love her i want to protect her n be there for her…but i know being like that is not very good…help me…i want to change for her sake

  81. Peter

    What if I try all of these things for two years and she still doesn’t appreciate me. Every time I try to be sexy, which I thought girls liked, she shuts me down and is like “Don’t go there”.

  82. MidoriLei

    Peter, what do you mean try to be sexy?

  83. Kishore

    Hi MidoriLie,

    I am feeling quite relieved when i read your replies to various posts.

    I have a girlfriend. We love each other a lot. I have often quite possessive of her. For around last 3-4 months, i had never shown her my possessiveness. But one day when i told her, she was very hurt and later i said sorry and she forgave me as she could not stay away from me. I feel possessive when she is out for a dinner with friends or gives time to her friends or with coworkers.

    In one of her posts as you have said that a girl needs time to spend with her family, friends and coworkers. I think that is what was making me feel insecure. I will try to work on your points. But i still need few more words of guidance from you so that i get out of my current situation and be a good lover to her.

    I liked your point that i am just a part of her life and she does not need to leave everything else for me. And also it is healthy that we do not become each other’s world.

    Also tell me how can i take care of her if i feel that if not she, then some else might take her away from me? I know this is a feeling of insecurity. I trust her a lot but to practice trust what do i need to do/show?


  84. MidoriLei

    Kishore, possessiveness always traces back to insecurity and a fear of losing your beloved. I know it’s a scary thought that another person you care about so deeply and can’t imagine your life without has the freedom to be with you… or leave you alone. A lot of things in relationships are out of our control, for example, you don’t have any control of the other person’s decisions to stay or go, and you don’t have control of if they become attracted to another person.

    The secret is to not focus on the areas you cannot control. Focus on the areas that are within your control. You can not force someone to stay, to love you, all you can do is be the best lover for her and prove to her through your words and actions that you are the best choice she can make, that you are the man who she can trust, who will always be there for her.

    If you show that you are possessive in an effort to keep her, in actuality, you are sending the message that you are not the best choice for her. You will make her question why she is with you, and you will send the message that a life with you means that she LOSES HER FREEDOM, freedom to hang out with her friends, coworkers, family. If the tables were turned, you would be turned off right?

    to practice trust, you have to give your partner freedom. You have to always believe in the best, not the worst that can happen. You expect the best from her and not the worst.

    There’s this quote I read that reminds me of what I’m talking about:

    “It’s a funny thing about life: If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”

    Meaning, in your situation, if you expect her to be faithful and loyal and trust her, that may be exactly what you get. On the other hand, if you are possessive and controlling and make her feel like you think she is untrustworthy, it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and maybe she may do the very thing you fear (cheat on you?) just to spite you, just because she’s tired of trying to convince you that she can be trusted.

    It does no good to be possessive just like it does no good to worry about things you cannot control. Again, focus on being the best partner for her so that if anyone ever does take her away (not as likely if you’re being the best partner for her) you know you did EVERYTHING in your power to be the best man you could be for her and then you will live a life of no regrets.

    You DO have what it takes to keep a woman happy. Read my latest post called “What it takes to make her happy for the long haul”

  85. baidu123

    You are right the material is the most important thing when writing blogs, secondly if people like it they will spread the word for you!

  86. jr.s

    Hello…well I’ve been with this girl..she just got out of a Marriage I march..we met in July..we caught eyes and became friends…good friends.I sleep over and we do things as couples but we are not together…we tell each other that we love one another and we care for each other…she even took me to her parents house..and they all love me..I asked her be my girl?and she said not yet..she still trying to heal..which I understand and that’s why I’m still here for her..her ex did her really did her bad…and sometimes I think she treats me like I’m the bad guy here.I’ve been by her side since its close to Xmas…should I stay and hope she’s done healing and can finally be with me,or should I leave…I don’t want too because I love her so much..But is it worth the wait???

  87. MidoriLei

    jr. s,

    The right girl is worth the wait. It’s up to you to decide if she is the right girl. I might ask her “I’ll wait for you… but give me hope that my waiting won’t be in vain.” And then I would see her reaction. If she gives you any encouragement, then you have hope. If not, I would move on.

    Also, since you only gave yourself 4 months between your divorce and your new pursuit, have you looked into what went wrong in your past relationship? What you need to change? How you contributed to it’s downfall? Are you over your past hurts? You don’t want to be moving into a new relationship so quickly if you haven’t dealt with what happened in your past. You don’t want to repeat the same mistakes on a new woman.

    Good luck.

  88. billy

    well my girlfriend and me have been dating for a little over two months and shes older than me. im only 16 and shes 18 and getting ready to graduate this year. i know its only one year she has to wait for me, but shes worried about the strength of our relationship when were away from eachoth
    for me, im terrified to lose her. sometimes, when we hang out at school, i feel somewhat like a child to her. and i really want to be the man she deserves.
    i have a job and i can take her out on dates on weekends and me and her family get along great. but we have a very little to talk about. i love listening to her when she does have something to talk about, but im not very good on elaborating on her topics.
    we’ve been very good friends for two years and we both knew we liked eachother, but one day she came over to my house to watch a movie and we decided to take things to the next level and have been together ever since.
    i just want to be a better boyfriend in everyway possible so i can put her worries to rest.
    shes absolutly amazing and i dont want to screw it up cause we dont have anything to talk about or cause of graduation.
    please help?

  89. MidoriLei

    Hi billy,

    You seem very mature for your age, coming onto this site seeking guidance and wisdom, and for that I commend you! Not many men your age would do something like that. I would ask your girlfriend what she is afraid of. Ask her to be honest. When she says she is “worried about the strength of our relationship” she is either referring to herself (not feeling the strong connection that will last through separation) or she is talking about you (fearing you may lose interest or find interest in someone else while she is away). If she is concerned about the herself, there is nothing you can do about that. But, if she admits that she’s worried about you, then this is your chance to really take her fears away and give her confidence that you are devoted to her. Sometimes a girl just needs to hear it. That you are so crazy about her and that distance won’t ever be a factor.

    Now on the other hand, ask her honestly if she feels like she’s young and needs to see what all is out there when she goes to college. Knowing this up front, will cause you some pain initially but it is better than being sorely disappointed in the future because of failed expectations.

    All you can do is be the best boyfriend you can by being attentive, being supportive, being a great listener… basically being a good support and also making sure you guys have fun together- do things where you laugh and have a good time.

    Read this article about a woman’s greatest need:

    and this article has some great questions to get you talking about some deep stuff that matters:

    I have been married for almost two years and sometimes it seems that there is nothing to talk about. That’s okay. You come to the point where you know so much about the other person, so you’re having to find new things to engage in conversation. I’ve found that it’s important to have separate hobbies and friends so that when you are together, you do have stuff to talk about: the latest news with your friends, the stuff you’re learning with your new hobby, that kind of thing.

    sometimes during the course of my day if Nate and I are apart, I will write down keywords of things i want to remember to talk to him about. A little cheat sheet for later on in the day so I don’t forget exciting or newsworthy or just any little thing I thought of during the day that I want to share with him whether funny or silly or just informational.

    When they say relationships take work, it means that things don’t just fall into place. To get conversations going, you work at it. To make things exciting, you work on it, and you plan new things to do together.

    You could also read a book together and bond over that, have discussions. I HIGHLY recommend the book the Teenager’s Guide to the Real World. Something I feel you both can really sink your teeth into and glean a lot of wisdom:

  90. MidoriLei


    Also, remember that you can always fawn over her. Girls never get tired of hearing compliments. Women never tire of hearing how into them you are. All that romance stuff, it never gets old:)

  91. Billy

    Hello again, thank you for the kind words! I asked her what she was scared of and she said that she is just scared how are relationship will turn out after she goes to collage. And i promised her that when the time comes, well deal with it together. She told me shes “living in the moment” which i took as just going day by day with our relationship.
    The weird thing is, we talk when were alone together and no one else is around. I can take her on dates and we would go to dinner and conversation is limited for some weird reason. Same at school. She doesnt like p.d.a around other people and i really dont mind for a little bit, but eventually i think she just doesnt want to even hold my hand anymore.
    I really do love her and i just need some tips to open her heart

  92. MidoriLei


    does anybody else know you’re dating?

  93. Billy

    Yes. All of my peers know. And i know her parents very well and she knows mine.

  94. MidoriLei


    That’s great. Reassure her that your relationships is not something that just “turns out” a certain way. You two created the relationship, and you two can determine the way it turns out. If you’re committed and she’s committed, then what’s there to fear? She is forgetting that “the relationship” is within the control of both of you, not something that just takes on a life of its own.

    If you’re having more of a hard time communicating and holding conversations in public, around people and not necessarily while you are alone, I think the key is just to know how to engage people around you…

    Ask about people’s week, if there was anything new or exciting that happened. Ask about people’s family, what they did for fun that week. If they have any plans for the holidays etc… this is just mastering the art of small talk.

    Have you ever asked her why she doesn’t like pda?

  95. Billy

    Yes i did. She just says she isnt comfortable in public. I told her i understood and respected her boundries.

  96. MidoriLei


    I think that the thing you need most is to be confident in your ability to be a good partner. I feel that you have great doubts in this.

    I fear this is the case because you have many fears.

    You fear she will not want to hold your hand anymore.
    You are terrified of losing her.
    You fear she thinks of you as a child.
    You fear your lack of having things to talk about will cause you to separate.

    You really cannot force someone to be with you, all you can do is provide the best environment for them to feel loved and for them to thrive. You can do as this article says and find out her love language and make sure to love her in that way.

    But ultimately, you need confidence so that you are operating in love and not fear. Those two cannot co-exist. Perfect love for someone casts out fear. You ask me how to open her heart to you. How do you know that her heart is not already open?

    If you want to be the man she deserves and not be viewed as a child, the first step is for you to stop second guessing yourself. Children care too much about what other people think. Men stop caring and start living not to please everyone and try to be liked by everyone, but instead they choose how they want to live and live in a way that aligns with their morals and beliefs.

    Maybe the best way to love her is to stop trying to please her and just enjoy the time you have together. Show her you are the man for her by being confident in that and by loving her the best way you can. Internally you know what this is. Your gut tells you when you are being kind, considerate, thoughtful. You know when you are treating people well and when you’re not.

    There are too many factors in love and in life in general that are beyond your control and when you focus is set on the things you cannot control (will she leave me? What does she think of me? Will she stop holding my hand?) then you are bound to be worried and stressed and fearful.

    But, if your focus is on what you can control, (You can love her as well as you know how, you can make sure she knows how you feel, you can make her a priority, you can keep things exciting by planning dates and not just letting things “happen,” you can be a good listener) that is when you feel like you hold the reigns in your life. That is when you will gain confidence to live your life without so many doubts.

    Once your mindset changes in this regard, your confidence will show. And I tell men and women, there is NOTHING, NOTHING sexier or more attractive than confidence and someone who is self assured. It’s a belief thing. Your belief will cause others to believe.

    So the first step is for you to BELIEVE you have what it takes to be with this girl. She is just a girl. You are just a guy. Don’t elevate her to this pedestal she does not belong on. Bring her back to earth. She is flawed just like you are. You are lucky to be with her as much as she is lucky to be with you because you are on equal standing.

    Do you believe this?

    Good luck!

  97. MidoriLei


    one more thing. I read this somewhere and find it to be true:

    “Stress is the perceived sense that you’re not in control”

    So, to not be stressed about the outcome of your relationship, the answer is to focus on what you can control, not what is out of your control.

    Good luck!

  98. Josh

    Hiya, me and my fiancee have been together for 3 years now, and over the last couple of months have started to drift apart. Neither of us are really sure why this has happened but it has… When we first got together everything was perfect, nothing would stop us but now its the opposite. I still love her very much, more than anything in the world in fact… She says that im not exciting anymore because I have just taken on a new job and requires me to work ridiculous hours. We’re both young and she wants to go out and have fun all of the time but im too tired from work and when I try and tell her this she says to me that we’re young and only live once, i would love to go out with her and have a good time, i just dont have the time or physical energy… So after all of this we have decided to have some time apart and start things off from the beginning, it was something we both agreed on so I have moved back in with my parents. I’m scared that she is going to find someone that is more exciting than me and someone who works normal hours and can be there for her all of the time when she needs. Im sooo stuck, please can you help me?

  99. MidoriLei

    Hi Josh,

    I wish we had all the time in the world, you know? But it looks like your life needs some kind of margin. There is no such thing as a “low maintenance” woman. If you ever meet a woman who says she’s “low maintenance,” she is basically admitting that she is a doormat. All women need time, attention and care. If she’s not having fun with you, even in the down time, she’s not going to want to stay, you know?

    My husband works crazy hours too. Yesterday he nearly worked 14 hours. Before when he’d come home with that look of “tiredness and exhaustion” in his eyes, I’d associate this with him “not being excited” to come home to me. But it was truly just tiredness and exhaustion. I used to have a hard time with the idea that most days if not all the days after he works, we are not going to go out. We are going to relax at home. (what I call vege in front of the tv) This used to be a huge conflict for me, but I’ve realized that I need to be the one to change. I need to be understanding. He is an amazing provider and works so hard and I want to cut him some slack and be loving!

    I think the biggest thing might be not that she’s wanting more excitement from external sources. I think that the biggest thing is that maybe she’s feeling less connected to you. Nate, my husband and I started playing scrabble after work and even though we still watch tv, he always makes time for the tv to be turned off so we can go to bed and cuddle and just connect by talking about our days and what’s been on our mind. It’s the way we stay connected. It is the struggle to stay “one” that all couples have to deal with. She might just miss you, you know? She just doesn’t want your job to steal all your energy, the best of you. She wants to be your priority and if your job is getting the best of you and she is getting the leftovers, she’s not going to feel valued, prioritized or loved.

    If her deal is really that she wants to go out every night, then she needs to grow up!

    On the other hand, do you make an effort to take her out on dates if you do have a day off? Do you have at least one or two days off each week?

    When you do have a day off, what do you do? Do you guys spend time together? What hobbies do you both enjoy?

    On your days working, what do you do after work?

    The focus needs to be on doing stuff that requires you to interact. TV does not require you to interact so there is no feeling of “connection.”

    I’d love to get more details as far as your situation goes so I can better advise you. I’d love to know the answers to the above questions as well as this one: What exactly do you mean by “working ridiculous hours?”

  100. Josh

    I do have one day off a week and it is the same as hers, we do spend the time together but we dont always go out and do things, im not too sure what things we can do together because when we first started going out i took her everywhere and did everything so i want to surprise her but im not too sure what else to do.
    With work i start at 5 in the afternoon and finish at 11 and dont get home till 12, so this means im going to work as she is getting in and then on the weekends i work 12 or more hours on both saturday and sunday so im not in on the weekends either.
    we both enjoy going out for dinner but as i said before ive taken her to every reataurant in town. and we enjoy going to the cinema and we do that sometimes but not as much as we used to.
    i really understand your thing about the TV, we spend alot of our time watching tv so we never connect anymore, i knew there was something but could never really put a finger on it. was quite obvious really.

  101. MidoriLei

    Hi Josh,

    So I can see her disappointment because whatever you guys did while you were trying to win her, that’s the same stuff she’s expecting you will do together, you know? Otherwise it’s kinda like false advertising. I tell this to women about their looks. They shouldn’t do anything with their looks that they’re not willing to maintain or keep up long term. That too would be false advertising.

    The biggest thing is that she needs to feel that youre being attentive. Even if you are exhausted, it shows you are making an effort. It’s less about surprising her as it is coming up with ideas with her to see what she would like to do too. That way she can tell you want to do things.

    Also, is there any way you can do things in the mornings or is she out of the door while youre still sleeping?

    Here are some great ideas for stuff you can do together:

    1. Putt-putt golf and then browsing through a local chocolatier shop.

    2. Going to a carnival or state fair. You can win her a stuffed toy!

    3. Playing pool and darts at a bar and eating burgers.

    4. Going bowling and getting pizza

    5. Playing frisbee at the park and having a bottle of wine on a blanket on the grass

    6. Playing a two person board game or cards and eating wings at a public clubhouse

    7. Cooking a meal together to give away at a nursing home or shelter. (if this works out, suggest using her place so she feels safer) (a girl loves a humanitarian man who knows how to cook!)

    8. Grabbing a coffee and browsing through the humor section of a bookstore. Find a spot on the floor and read jokes together. (Another great date book is Would You Rather.)

    9. Picking up some healthful snacks at a specialty health food store and going to a petting zoo and feeding the animals. Bring the snacks for the two of you. Don’t forget hand sanitizer!

    10. Rollerblading through a park and getting ice cream.

    11. Going to a shooting range and then grabbing some tacos on the way home.

    12. Walking through your town’s downtown cobblestone paved mainstreet and checking out local shops.

    13. Going on a bike tour of your city and grabbing some sandwiches after.

    14. Any local festival that your city sponsors that is outdoors and has music, food and/or games- (Wine festival, Greek festival, Strawberry festival, Art festival, Fall Festival)

    15. Go to an arcade, order some burgers, and be a kid again!

    16. ziplines: women love zipline courses!

    And here’s actual stuff my husband and I have done:

    rock climbing at an indoor rock climbing gym
    back packing
    taken a trip to the San Juan Islands
    mountain biking
    ballroom dancing
    taken an Argentine Tango dance class
    danced at a bar with live funk music
    gone to a comedy club
    gone to church
    grilling outdoors
    tried new restaurants
    checked out the drums and guitars at a music store
    tried on costumes at a party store
    made breakfast together
    played the Wii
    played pickleball
    gone to a French bakery
    gone to the library together
    gotten boba tea
    shared a bowl of Pho
    driven stick shift
    gone to a dog park
    played street hockey
    ice skating
    played pool
    played ping pong
    played card games
    taken a weight lifting class
    ridden dirt bikes
    gone berry picking
    played basketball
    tried raquetball
    karaoked at his brother’s house
    gone running
    done henna tattoos on each other
    made burgers
    walked on the beach
    watched fireworks
    gone grocery shopping
    gone to garage sales
    gone rollerblading
    gone to another island by ferry
    tossed around a football

  102. Josh

    hiya, thanks for the great advice. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently and a lot of it is with your help…. Ive realised that i need to make more of an effort and make her feel special… I think I just took what we had for granted… I am usually asleep when she goes to work, but im now going to make more of an effort and wake up with her just to spend that extra half an hour to an hour just to be with her… Thank you for all of your help. You’ve given me lots of ideas for us to do as a couple and im sure once i start think more promptly of my own ideas. Once again, thank you

  103. MidoriLei


    you’re welcome! Glad to help! Here if you need me:)

  104. Pingback: Are You Confident in Your Ability to Maintain a Woman’s Interest Long-Term?

  105. Cobi

    Hey, I have been with my girlfriend for over a year and she says she doesnt love me anymore and we have both changed. She says that we’re a lost cause and she wants to break up. I am trying so hard and nothing is working. I have had 3 chances trying to clean things up and this is my last one… I feel like she is putting a lot of blame on me because she says things like “You dissapointed me before, why should I trust you now?” and “I am used to you dissapointing me”. I believe that we can make it through this, but she won’t see it… What can I do or say? Any advice would be very, very apreciated!

    • MidoriLei

      Cobi what has happened in your relationship that makes her question her trust in you and has made her disappointed?

  106. Cobi

    I tried to fix it and I couldn’t do it. Behavior too, I guess.

  107. Cobi

    I didn’t do anything bad, like drinking or anything illegal, she said I was rude and immature when I tried to get guys to stop flirting with her.

    • MidoriLei

      Cobi, not a hassle for me at all! It’s my job:) and I’m happy to help. I’m a little confused. Was he flirting with her and being an a-hole to her at the same time? What did you say and do in the situation?

  108. Cobi

    It didn’t seem too rediculous to ask because the guy was an a-hole to her, other girls, and my friends and I.

  109. Cobi

    I’m sorry if this is bothering you, I don’t want to make this a hastle for you…

  110. Cobi

    Well he was flirting with her and he was an a-hole to me and everyone else, not her. I told him off and then she said I was being rude and immature. So I am really not sure what to do. Then she told me that my behavior dissapointed her so…

    • MidoriLei

      Cobi, what did you tell her when she said that you were being rude, immature and that she was disappointed? Here’s what you can say, “I’m sorry I reacted that way. I was highly offended, disrespected and acted out in anger– because he was being rude to me and hitting on my woman. I don’t want to disappoint you. What do you think I should have said or done in the situation?”

  111. Cobi

    Thank you very much for the advice, MidoriLei. I have high respect for you. I have a new problem now. She says we have changed and that we are still a lost cause. What can I do or say to fix our relationship? Its used to be great, and she says she misses what I used to do, like hanging out and doing things. I try my best, but I am too busy with my training. I train at least 3 hours a day for cage fighting, and I am not giving it up inder any circumstance. What should I do to save our relationship?

    • MidoriLei


      You train three hours a day to achieve your goal to be a cage fighter. There are 24 hours in a day? What do you do the rest of the day? The question is, do you have time for a girl friend? I really believe there is no such thing as a “low” maintenance woman. Every woman needs and deserves daily care and attention. To maintain a good relationship, you have to give her quality time. Do you have that time?

  112. Cobi

    I guess maybe my best just isn’t enough. I am sorry to waste your time, MidoriLei.

  113. Cobi

    Is my time up with her? I am so confused.

  114. John

    Hey, I need some advice!
    I’m pretty sure I’m not doing anything wrong, and my girlfriend doesn’t seem to have a problem with how I act, but on the inside, I just feel like I’m not being a good enough boyfriend. We’ve only been going out for just over a month, but I feel like I haven’t done enough with her, and that I don’t make enough of an effort to be affectionate, or to just make her happy. I’m 16, and this is my first ‘true’ relationship, so I don’t really know if I’m doing anything wrong, and by wrong I mean not good enough. I don’t go out of my way at all to talk to her, I don’t kiss her enough, I don’t do anything on this list. I’m definitely going to try harder, but we don’t get to see each other a whole lot, just at school. We talk on the phone for hours sometimes, and I feel like I’m a good listener always. I don’t know if I’m just being self-conscious for no reason, and I don’t even know specifically what I’m trying to improve or change. Well that’s my problem, I just need any advice you can think of. My main question I guess is, given my situation, what are some things I should do, things I should not do, and whatever else you think of. Thanks!

    • MidoriLei

      John, I think the most important thing is that you need to have confidence in your ability to keep her happy! Do all those things you said, kiss her more, be more affectionate, continue being a good listener… but at the end of the day, know that your beliefs become a self fulfilling prophecy. If you are self conscious and fearful and lack the confidence of believing you can be a boyfriend worthy of a woman sticking around, then ultimately, that’s EXACTLY what’s going to happen. It’s great that you care, but make your changes not out of fear of losing her, but out of love and care for her and because you just want her to have the best. Acting out of fear will not produce the same kinds of results. Why? Because ultimately, confidence is the MOST attractive thing a person can possess.

      Like you said, you just feel like you’re not good enough on the “inside.” It’s not real. It’s only a feeling. Trump feeling with FACT. You are doing what you can, what you know to be good, and you are paying attention to her when you are together, being a good listener.

      Here’s what I wrote to Billy, someone else who commented on this post, and I think many of these things apply in your situation:


      I think that the thing you need most is to be confident in your ability to be a good partner. I feel that you have great doubts in this.

      I fear this is the case because you have many fears.

      You fear she will not want to hold your hand anymore.
      You are terrified of losing her.
      You fear she thinks of you as a child.
      You fear your lack of having things to talk about will cause you to separate.

      You really cannot force someone to be with you, all you can do is provide the best environment for them to feel loved and for them to thrive. You can do as this article says and find out her love language and make sure to love her in that way.

      But ultimately, you need confidence so that you are operating in love and not fear. Those two cannot co-exist. Perfect love for someone casts out fear. You ask me how to open her heart to you. How do you know that her heart is not already open?

      If you want to be the man she deserves and not be viewed as a child, the first step is for you to stop second guessing yourself. Children care too much about what other people think. Men stop caring and start living not to please everyone and try to be liked by everyone, but instead they choose how they want to live and live in a way that aligns with their morals and beliefs.

      Maybe the best way to love her is to stop trying to please her and just enjoy the time you have together. Show her you are the man for her by being confident in that and by loving her the best way you can. Internally you know what this is. Your gut tells you when you are being kind, considerate, thoughtful. You know when you are treating people well and when you’re not.

      There are too many factors in love and in life in general that are beyond your control and when you focus is set on the things you cannot control (will she leave me? What does she think of me? Will she stop holding my hand?) then you are bound to be worried and stressed and fearful.

      But, if your focus is on what you can control, (You can love her as well as you know how, you can make sure she knows how you feel, you can make her a priority, you can keep things exciting by planning dates and not just letting things “happen,” you can be a good listener) that is when you feel like you hold the reigns in your life. That is when you will gain confidence to live your life without so many doubts.

      Once your mindset changes in this regard, your confidence will show. And I tell men and women, there is NOTHING, NOTHING sexier or more attractive than confidence and someone who is self assured. It’s a belief thing. Your belief will cause others to believe.

      So the first step is for you to BELIEVE you have what it takes to be with this girl. She is just a girl. You are just a guy. Don’t elevate her to this pedestal she does not belong on. Bring her back to earth. She is flawed just like you are. You are lucky to be with her as much as she is lucky to be with you because you are on equal standing.

      Do you believe this?

      Good luck!

  115. Cobi

    I go to school from 7 in the morning to 2 in the afternoon, do homework, chores, go to the gym, come home, cook and eat dinner, and then train until 10 every day. I spend all the time I can with her at school, and outside of school. I talk to her on the phone, skype, and text whenever I am not around and I have a few minutes. I give her everything I can offer, day in and day out. It might just not be enough.

    • MidoriLei

      Cobi, you’re not wasting my time. I don’t know if it’s over between you and her. I think it’s a matter of you having a really important conversation with her, telling her how much you care for and love her and how much you’re willing to do anything to make it work. At the same time, it looks like you are giving it your all given your schedule’s demands. Tell her that it won’t always be this way, but that your training is your dream, and that you’re asking her to be patient. Is there any way you can put aside school while you are training? Or is there any way you can ask her for suggestions on what you can do to make more time for each other?

  116. Cobi

    Thank you for your help and time, but she still left me. I admire you for trying.

  117. Cobi

    Can you please send a link?

  118. Reese

    Hi. I’m 27 and I’m back with my ex who is also the mother of my child. I’m extremely happy because I love this woman with all my heart. Without her, there is no me. But I fear I’m on the brink of losing her, no matter how hard I try to assure her that I want to make this work. I don’t wanna lose her again. What do I do?

    • MidoriLei

      Reese , that’s not very much information for me to work with. I think the best thing you can do is ask her what you can do to meet her needs. Ask her if she is happy with your relationship. Ask her what she would change about your relationship if she could. Ask her if she trusts you. Ask her if she respects you- your choice of a career, how you are as a father, how you lead your family.

      These are humbling questions, but they show just how willing you are to make it work out.

      Also why do you feel you are on the brink of losing her? How did you lose her the first time?

  119. Bert

    I’m 20 and have been with my girlfriend for about 16 months. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs but all in all I know that no matter what she is my goddess. She is absolutely amazing. But, I fear that I don’t do enough. And I do plenty, but I know I can do more. I kiss her forehead and cheeks, I’ve written letters and dropped them in her mailbox. I’ve given massages, I’ve put on frank Sinatra and danced with her under Christmas lights. I’ve cooked, cleaned, talked, comforted. I’ve taken time from my friends and my band practice to text/call her. I’ve done romantic evenings with candles and dinners. I’ve taken her to her first metal concert and many other concerts. We’ve gone hiking. The thing is… I’m running out of ideas and I don’t want her to get bored. She’s a Gemini so she’s constantly in need of stimulation of her mind. I need to do things with more of an impact than just a letter or a walk or other cliche things. What can I do to really knock her socks off? Prove to her that she means everything to me. (she knows already, and she treats me great. I just want to continue the awesomeness.) any suggestions as to how I can make her melt/cry/or brag? Hahaha (cry as in just being overwhelmed with joy, I would never want to make her cry because she’s sad.) she deserves nothing but the best of me, and I want to deliver. Thanks. -Bert

    • MidoriLei

      Wow Bert! You have done so much already! You sound like a wonderful boyfriend! That’s great that you care enough about pleasing her that you want to do even more. Before I give you any more suggestions, remember that the grand gestures are nice, but even nicer are the daily things you do or don’t do. Do you know her love language? Do you meet her needs using her love language?

      My husband isn’t one for grand gestures, and I’ve never missed them. Every day he does things to show me he loves me. He always opens the door for me (cars, buildings etc), he puts me first and is always willing to pause/mute/turn off the tv if I want to talk, he is a great listener, he is honest but always kind when he speaks to me, he makes sure I have all my needs met (he’s a great provider), and he brings me flowers or chick flicks when I’m having a sad day. He is patient with me, gives me freedom to hang out with friends, and trusts me implicitly. He is never possessive or jealous. He never lies, and he is always considering my needs and wants. He always gives me preference (he puts my wants before his own: where to eat out? What to do? What I want?) and I try to do the same for him.

      Without these kinds of things, the grand gestures will excite but for a moment, and then you are back to the reality of who your partner is on a day to day basis. Also, remember that what makes you attractive to her isn’t all those sentimental things. Those things are nice, and they make a woman go , “Awww….” but if you want to keep her for the long haul, remember what attracts femininity is masculinity. Think about what that means. It’s very powerful. If you need examples of masculinity, here are a couple of articles:

      What Makes a Man Attractive

      Five Ways to Show a Girl You are a Gentleman

      All Hail the Alpha Male

      Feminine traits to avoid:
      being a worrier
      Nervousness and being anxious
      Being coy
      panics in the face of danger
      risk averse

      Masculine traits to develop:
      taking action instead of worrying
      Courage and fearlessness
      Being forward
      risk taker
      Is brave and courageous in the face of danger

      Now to make her melt, cry or brag…

      You could:

      call up a radio station and have a song dedicated to her.
      take her to karaoke and dedicate a song to her.
      take her on a surprise trip or cruise (if money isn’t an issue)
      Send her surprise flowers at work for her birthday.

      Pay attention to conversations you have. Notice if there is something she’s been wanting to try, something she’s always wanted to do that she’s never had a chance to do, and then make it happen:) Maybe you’ve her heard talking about how much she loved zip-lining when she was a kid and she hasn’t done it in forever. Maybe she has a secret wish to be a fashion designer and one of her life goals is to go to a New York fashion show. Maybe she’s never seen snow or the ocean. Maybe she’s always wanted to go sky diving. Find out what she’s been craving to do, and then make it a reality. You get bonus points not just for making it happen, but for being attentive and listening to her.

      Those are just a couple of ideas off the top of my head. Lastly, if you do anything, don’t do it because you are afraid to lose her. You said, “I fear I don’t do enough.” This is you acting out of fear, and she will know it. Instead, act out of a desire to make her happy. Fear makes you do things so something will or won’t happen. In your case, you want to do it so she won’t get bored and leave you. Love does things without expecting anything in return. Change your motivation, and everything will be more sincere and selfless.

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  121. Bert

    Well, that’s puts things in a different light. But, I don’t nessecarily do things out of fear. I do them because making her smile is my favorite thing to do. She’s awesome. As beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. I know she’s not going anywhere anytime soon. We talk about it. We’re both very open and understanding. And we thrive off of it. So, honestly, things are pretty great to begin with. thanks for the tips, though. 🙂

    • MidoriLei

      That’s encouraging that you don’t do things out of fear:) Happy to help. I’m happy you’re the kind of man who cares enough to want to make her happy and think of making her smile.

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  123. Javier

    Yesterday my gf told me that she feels like i treat her like a friend. This is not the first time she has said this but its the first time in a long time. I dont know what i was doing right and now what im doing wrong. I do everything i can to make her happy and smile cuz her smile brings a smile onto my face. Me and her have been together for almost 2 years already and although she does get mad at me for the simplest things i do like send a text message late or go to sleep early i still love her alot. As far as treating her like a friend i dont know what i am doing to make her feel that way. In my opinion i feel that she just brought this up because she got mad at me for my text message coming to her late. I know me and her think exactly alike we always finish each others sentences and we laugh about that constantly. Every day we are together i go to her college and bring her lunch and we eat together and i walk to her next class as well then i go to work and at work she comes and visits me and after work i go over to her house. Like any relationship we do argue from time to time but never ges out of hand and usually i just pick her up and kiss her forehead and we make up and laugh about it after that. All this i do to make her smile and not be mad at me and both of us happy. With a little bit of what i do what do you think could make her think that im treating her just as a friend?

    • MidoriLei


      That’s gotta be really frustrating. “Women speak” can be really vague. I recommend asking her to elaborate and explain what she means that you treat her like a friend. From what you mentioned, it sounds like she doesn’t feel prioritized, like you’d return a text hours later with a friend and it wouldn’t matter, but with a significant other, it’s nice to get a quicker response? Or if you go to be early, I can totally understand her frustrations with that because when my husband goes to bed and falls asleep right away, I sometimes feel like I don’t get my “quality time” which means talking to each other without any distractions (while driving, while eating, while watching tv does not count). Women need plenty of attention and quality time for a woman looks very different from quality time for a guy. For a guy, usually you’re just happy to have her by your side regardless of whether or not there is conversation. For women that’s not the case. It’s all about feeling CONNECTED.

      You guys may think exactly alike, but don’t kid yourself, your needs are very different. She needs to feel like she is your number one priority.

      That, or it has something to do with not pursuing her enough with physical affection. But it sounds like you’re already doing a good job at that.

      Let me know what you think.


  124. kim

    My name is miss kimberly I am from u.s.a, I was I a relationship with samuel and we loved and cherished ourselves for 3 good years and every thing was going on smoothly but August 29, 2012 a day I can call a lovers day we both had misunderstanding because I answered a call from a guy that is asking me out for a date but I refused, and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and I begged him because I love him so much but he refused me I was so down cast and I felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back, a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first I was scared but I have to give this man a trial because I love samuel very much and I am not willing to loose him to any woman, so I ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all my ex came back to me with much love and a caring heart…i am testifying to this great spell caster priest azula spell temple. if you need his help you can contact him on

  125. CB

    I’m not really in a relationship but I need advice on figuring something out. I like two girls and they both like me. One of them I have been friends with for a long time and if you asked me if I loved her, I wouldn’t hesitate to say no. But one of my best friends likes her a lot. And the other girl is really into me and I’d like to get to know her better but I don’t know if I’d like to date her. I’d appreciate any help I can get its kind of a tough situation.

    • MidoriLei


      I think the first thing you need to do is talk to your best friend. I think that it should be fair game. Is he pursuing her too? Does he know she likes you and you love her? Tell him,

      “Look, I know you really like her, but I like her too, and I’m starting to get the hint that she returns the feeling. But I think that it should be fair game, with no harsh feelings between us. Nothing should change in our friendship because of her, but if we both pursue her, then she can make the decision who she wants to be with. Basically, we’ll let her make the decision. What do you think?”

      It sounds like you know which one you really want. One girl you “love.” the other girl you “don’t know if you want to date.” I say go for the one you really want! If she chooses your buddy, THEN see if more feelings can develop for the other girl.

      Don’t give up a girl for a friend unless she chooses him. Don’t make the decision for her. I think that’s fair for everyone involved.

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  127. Julie

    sounds very beta

  128. Jeff

    hey there im in los angeles CA and i have been in love with the most beautiful woman i have ever seen in my life, no joke. I do tell her this by the way, so she knows. I do everything for her when she first moved here from out of state. She was the new girl in town and a gorgeous one at that, so i had to swoop on her before some else had the chance to cause her harm and making the wrong choice. So i went to her house after the party i met her at and stayed the night with her. And ever since that day i have been in love with her. I love the way she looks, talks, pleases me, and everything. So my dilema is that its been 3 years and i still havent gotten things together, meaning a decent job, house, and working a career. Im working at the same place for 5 years making pizza, and going to college that i probably wont finish. Basically i want to be able to take our relationship to the next level and live together and just have it be us in a house living our lives in beauty. But im at my parents house still and im 25 years old bout to be 26 she is 21 and im worried that if i dont get things together that someone else will fill the position in taking care of her.When thats what i do, and im really good at it she says, tending to her needs emotionally, and physically. Its hard to imagine my life with her not in it, she has done so much for me and i her. i have done things with her or been plces she has never been with before. any way if this does get read by anyone and you accually do give a shit then let me know what to do because my heart is on the line, and im a soldier fighting for many things amoung them is laying in bed next to her holding her as we sleep is my most favorite thing to do with her, just holding her kissing her and telling her she is the most beautiful woman i have ever seen in my entire life, as she sleeps. some times she hears me and she giggles in her sleep, it so addorable. thank you, who ever you are for letting me type this on your page.

    • MidoriLei

      Hi Jeff,

      Time for tough love. You know that feeling you have, that you want to provide for her and you want to be self sufficient? It’s that same feeling that toddlers get- that “Lemme do it” phase. It starts when a boy is a toddler, and that feeling never goes away. That desire to be self sufficient is there as a survival mechanism. There’s only one thing to do. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Force yourself out of your mother’s house and forge out on your own. It’s time to launch Jeff, to push yourself to see if you can make it on your own, and you can. I know you can. What is it you want to do? Choose what you want to be, and go be it. Plan. Make concrete goals. Set deadlines. Tell your woman about it. Let her be your cheerleader. Don’t let life just happen to you. Do you want to make pizza forever? If that is your calling, embrace it and figure out how you can make a living doing it. And be the best damn pizza maker you can be. If it is not, figure out what you want to be, and run towards that direction. Align your whole life to be able to pursue that which is your calling. Good luck and God bless you Jeff.

  129. India

    Go out on date nights, take her to the movies, go on fun vacations, tell her when she looks nice, buy her clothes, etc.

  130. Relationship Goals

    Really its a big help for me. Its my first relationship and sometime i feel like idiot who doesn’t know what to do for her girlfriend on special days. Thank you for your thoughtful share

  131. Kellee Bernier

    Thanks for making this list so easy to use! Basically i want to be able to take our relationship to the next level and live together and just have it be us in a house living our lives in beauty.

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