This was written back in June 2007.

I think it’s all the crazy rain we’ve been getting here in Texas. Rain makes me think of dim lights, romance, candles, and cuddling. Tonight I hit a pretty low point. I felt all needy. I went through my phone list and looked up all the guys I’ve dated seriously in the past.

You know that thing people call a “booty call?” I wasn’t looking for that. They should make up another one called a “heart call.” Corny, I know. It’s just that I felt this sudden intense need to be emotionally intimate with a guy. With a booty call you feel like tearing your clothes off. With a heart call you feel like tearing the masks off and just getting on a deep level with another human being of the opposite sex who you feel chemistry with.

I just wanted to be vulnerable, unmasked, emotionally naked. We call it intimacy. It’s baring your soul and feeling understood. Tonight I just felt alone. I was alone and everything around me was still, but my mind was racing with thoughts.

So I dug into my past. I called one ex. I got his voicemail. I contemplated calling a potential guy who I’m kinda sorta almost maybe intrigued with but then realized getting too deep too fast with a new guy is the quickest way to scare him off. All the other guys on my phone list were taken, married, engaged or just friends I never had chemistry with.

I ended up calling my little brother, not for any kind of emotional intimacy, just to whine.

Me: I want to talk to a guy!!!!

Him: Are you feeling a “sudden rush of emotion?” (referring to a Grey’s Anatomy moment with Addison that involved acupuncture)

Me: Yessss ! Why don’t I have more exes? What if I call that guy who I almost hooked up with in college but he was too young… he’s not too young now…Crap. Crap. Crappity Crap. I’m desperate.

Then he said something so profound, it made me jump up and write this post:

“The deeper you reach into your past, the deeper your desperation.”

You yearn for the good in your past when you’re discontent with the present.

Now that I’ve learned the hidden meaning of my madness, I’m writing this and it’s distracting me well enough to the point where now I’m just sleepy. From needy to sleepy… goodnight.