Dating Advice

For Men: How to NOT Appear Possessive

(Photo via Leloveimage)
This is the second part of the question from a reader.

Reader Question:

Just wondering how can I be less “possessive?” My girl
thinks I am.

The Girl’s Answer:

The way to not be possessive is to show through your words and actions that you trust her completely. Don’t ask her where she’s going, what she’s doing, who she’ll be with. Let her always volunteer that information. When you demonstrate you trust someone, they are more likely (if they love you) going to follow suite and be trustworthy. When you give people breathing space, they will want to be with you more. Don’t volunteer advice unless she asks for it. Let her make her own decisions and let her know, “I trust you completely. Do what’s right for you. Just know I’m here for you if you need my advice or my opinion.”

I know how a non-possessive man acts because that’s all I’ve ever dated. Never fish for reasons to be jealous. Trust and give her the benefit of the doubt, ALWAYS. Then if she does something wrong, you know you come out the innocent, loving party.

Basically never ask her something out of your fear that she will do something wrong. Only ask her things if you are TRULY concerned about her well-being or just want to get to know her. Let LOVE dominate your words and your actions not a FEAR of losing her or a fear of her being unfaithful.

Also, you can just straight up ask her: What do I do or say that makes me seem possessive? Then correct that action:)

I also want to add this:

The key is not in saying the right things but in first thinking the right things. Your mouth opens to say words but the mouth only reveals the heart’s intentions. I find that people usually act out of love or fear. Possessiveness is acting out of fear. I’ve always cared more about a person’s intentions rather than just what their actions are.

Instead of making it a goal to not appear possessive, start at the root problem. For example, you don’t want to be a person who just says humble things, you want to be a humble person who automatically acts humble as a result.

In the same way, you don’t want to just play the part of a non-possessive partner, you want to be a non-possessive partner. That begins with thinking of your partner as trustworthy, letting her be free to live her own life and make her own decisions, and believing that she wants to be with you so you can be free to focus on loving her instead of monitoring her decisions.

Don’t let your fears (all possesiveness I believe has a root in fear) become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I notice in life people typically get what they expect. Expect that your partner cares for you and has the best intentions. Even in their humanness and mistakes, they wouldn’t do anything to purposefully harm or hurt you. The majority of the time these positive expectations become the reality.

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Article written by:

I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

Join the discussion

  1. Aurie

    This is sound counsel. I must ensure that I implement immediately after reviewing my own actions.

  2. Pingback: For Men: How to NOT Appear Possessive | Why Are You Single?

  3. Cameron Sharpe

    Confidence is the essence of beauty, at least for me it is. I am learning that the more confident I become, the more inclined I am to continue to want to look my best, to be my best and strive for more. I understand that beauty is individual and does not equate to perfection but rather a trait in which we should all find within ourselves. With regards to make up and the duties in ensuring my hair is presented in an alluring manner, well every one needs a down day or two and yes there are moments when Master appreciates me in all my naturalness.

  4. Shene

    I learned.

  5. amit

    Thanks a ton it helped me but it takes some time to change your thoughts im very possessive to my lover and she is very freedom lover kinda so there are lots of problem with us we got separated but we both still love each other hope i change myself and enjoy my life….. thanks

  6. 24529

    I am trying my best.. thinking abt not being possesive all time.. but finally something or somehow i get into tht.. sometimes unknowingly.. or sometimes knowingly.. May b i have it in me & it cannot b removed how hard u try..

  7. MidoriLei

    24529 You can remove it. Remember that the way we lose our power is by thinking we don’t have any. The way to change is to think about your partner. Think only to bring good into that person’s life. Love, real love is thinking of the needs of the other person over our own. And through that, you will naturally stop trying to protect yourself. Possessiveness is only acting in fear, protecting yourself. Focus on loving, cherishing and pleasing your partner and you will stop being possessive.

    Every time you find yourself being possessive. Ask yourself, why am I doing this? acting this way? What am I afraid will happen? Find out the root fear. If you do that you will realize that no matter what you do, you cannot prevent someone from hurting you. So might as well, do your best to love them.

  8. Lennyx

    Who ever wrote this is a genius I have a problem with my best friend (girl and ya im girl no homo) Ill try to do whatever was written here. Thanks for writing this article or what so ever it is <33 :].
    Peace Out-

  9. MidoriLei

    Thanks Lennyx. Good luck applying the principles:)

  10. Jon-Jon

    Wow, this article really speaks out to me. Now I know, this hasn’t been commented upon for some time, and there’s no telling if anyone will ever read what I have to say, but I really really need to be less possessive and paranoid. You’re absolutely right, there’s this deep fear inside of me that I will lose her or she will be unfaithful to me with her ex boyfriends. This is difficult for me because she is my first lover, and yet she has had sexual relations in the past. What makes it more difficult is that she still talks to them. Obviously not in a flirtatious manner, she still wants to be friends with them is all. I just need to focus on the fact that I am with her and should make the best of it and make her as happy as I can. And I do realize it was wrong for me to get her things or do things for her to “keep her with me,” rather than out of pure affection. I have to stop doing things out of fear and just shut up and love.

  11. MmMmM...

    wow, seriously, da best councellin i ‘ve ever taken, dis onez one amazin article… trust me, i’ll b thinkin it over again n again n surely will make out a gud decision…
    once again, thnks a ton…

  12. manu

    Thanks a ton buddy… I was looking for an article like this.. sometimes I try to be possessive with a fear that I will lose her.. I realized now actions speaks more than stupid “why,how,when,who” questions…

  13. markus

    I’ve read this article for at least 10 times now and each time I read it, I get inspired in a different way.

    My girlfriend and I are going through a rough patch. We have been together for 2 years now and all these while she had been fine with my possessiveness. But stress and interest got better of her and she decided to go for all activities without telling me for fear that we will quarrel (she promised). Found out subsequently and she said she it has always been her interest to join such activities. On the surface, it may seem as her fault but the root of the problem is mine. I’m super possessive, restrictive and if she doesn’t pick up the call, I’ll burst her phone and give her at least 100 miss calls. She initiated a break up and on the day itself, came across this article and reflected on my actions. I guess I’ve been cheated on couple of times and there is the fear that I might lose her. She is sweet looking. Hence became really restrictive and controlling.

    This article helped me a lot. We talked about my attitude and I told her to give me 1 month to show that I can change my ugly attitude away. Now I’m working on it. Talks between us are happier now. I feel happier too when she appreciate me giving her breathing space and her own time.

    This is a second chance for me, and I will definitely cherish her.

    Thank you for writing such an awesome article.

  14. rahul

    Many many thanx for this article….you just saved my relationship from being broken…….thanx a tonn!

  15. XYZ

    thanks a lot!!!!!
    ive had a lot of problem with my girlfriend. she even said it to me once that im just too possesive! i just couldn’t help it! every time i saw her looking at another guy or even saying hi to another guy it would make me really angry and i would take out my anger on her which would make her cry! 🙁
    i really love her a lot and i cant loose her!
    but now il have to stop being so possesive!
    i really should let it go. il have to give her some freedom.
    thanx!!! 🙂

  16. angry yung man

    well ,
    get a another temp affair side by side …..then u wont feel insecure abt her ….lol ….
    it works ….atlst v have got an option ….

  17. Avinash Salarpuria

    Thanks alot

  18. Ash

    i’m a guy, found this interesting reading, thanks alot, only reason there is fear is because of past experiences and trust issues, work past them slowly and all will be well, as long as you have a girl who gives you a chance i.e. works with you and understands and tells you whats over the line cause it’s not always noticed, fear is a reaction not always consciously picked up on.

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