(Photo via Leloveimage)
This is the second part of the question from a reader.
Just wondering how can I be less “possessive?” My girl
thinks I am.
The Girl’s Answer:
The way to not be possessive is to show through your words and actions that you trust her completely. Don’t ask her where she’s going, what she’s doing, who she’ll be with. Let her always volunteer that information. When you demonstrate you trust someone, they are more likely (if they love you) going to follow suite and be trustworthy. When you give people breathing space, they will want to be with you more. Don’t volunteer advice unless she asks for it. Let her make her own decisions and let her know, “I trust you completely. Do what’s right for you. Just know I’m here for you if you need my advice or my opinion.”
I know how a non-possessive man acts because that’s all I’ve ever dated. Never fish for reasons to be jealous. Trust and give her the benefit of the doubt, ALWAYS. Then if she does something wrong, you know you come out the innocent, loving party.
Basically never ask her something out of your fear that she will do something wrong. Only ask her things if you are TRULY concerned about her well-being or just want to get to know her. Let LOVE dominate your words and your actions not a FEAR of losing her or a fear of her being unfaithful.
Also, you can just straight up ask her: What do I do or say that makes me seem possessive? Then correct that action:)
I also want to add this:
The key is not in saying the right things but in first thinking the right things. Your mouth opens to say words but the mouth only reveals the heart’s intentions. I find that people usually act out of love or fear. Possessiveness is acting out of fear. I’ve always cared more about a person’s intentions rather than just what their actions are.
Instead of making it a goal to not appear possessive, start at the root problem. For example, you don’t want to be a person who just says humble things, you want to be a humble person who automatically acts humble as a result.
In the same way, you don’t want to just play the part of a non-possessive partner, you want to be a non-possessive partner. That begins with thinking of your partner as trustworthy, letting her be free to live her own life and make her own decisions, and believing that she wants to be with you so you can be free to focus on loving her instead of monitoring her decisions.
Don’t let your fears (all possesiveness I believe has a root in fear) become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I notice in life people typically get what they expect. Expect that your partner cares for you and has the best intentions. Even in their humanness and mistakes, they wouldn’t do anything to purposefully harm or hurt you. The majority of the time these positive expectations become the reality.