Get that rush of chemicals from your husband:)

Many people have what I call “Dopamine Addiction.” I know I am a recovering addict. What is this dopamine high I speak of? A person who suffers from dopamine addiction is addicted to “butterfly beginnings,” the early stage of any relationship-to-be. Men as well as women can fall into dopamine addiction, but I fear women are more prone.

Why?

Romantic comedies maybe?
Unrealistic expectations of love?
Disappointments following unrealistic expectations?
Girls just want to have fun?

Butterfly Beginnings

In our society, before the relationship actually begins, most of the time GUYS are doing all the work. They are wining and dining the woman who has captured their interest. They are putting their best foot forward, and they are on their A game trying to make a good impression. Women have more motivation to dress up and look their best. Everything is new and exciting. You don’t know this guy, you don’t know how into you he is, and every time you see him you get that exhilirating flood of chemicals in your body. You flirt, tease, joke and everything is light and fun. You LOVE the way he looks at you, all the attention you’re getting, all the questions he asks. He really wants to get to know you, and you really want to get to know him.

What’s not to love about this stage?

The Comfortable Stage

When you get married, you already feel like you know all there is to know about your better half. You see him day in and day out, and nothing is new. Sometimes you get bogged down with work, sometimes you just want to veg out on the couch. You’re not looking at each other with newness in your eyes. Your partner doesn’t always have your full attention. This is called the “comfortable” stage and guys usually love this stage. They are getting regular sex and can just relax and be themselves. They don’t have to go out to eat all the time. They don’t have to work so hard at making conversation. Silence? It’s comforting.

You may have horrific marital problems and a new guy in your office comes in and is just wowed by you. He’s giving you all this undivided attention and looks at you with that newness you miss.

Or, you could be happily married and just miss that newness because you’re a dopamine addict.

The Consequences of being a Dopamine Addict

The problem with being a dopamine addict is that dopamine addicts, if they give into their addiction, will never find true, lasting love. They become the weird uncle who used to be the player of all players… but now he is alone, still trying his best to flirt with the young ladies, and all his nieces and nephews wonder why he’s never gotten married. Or a dopamine female addict may become that woman you see on the street who’s still stuck wearing the fashion of the decade when she had suitors lining up. Her hair is fried and nothing about her is natural. These two sad characters are people who have let love pass them by to satisfy their dopamine high.

Ok, I’m a little dramatic, ehhh but I’m just trying to paint a dreary picture for you of what could happen.

Next week, I will show you what you can do to find that feeling of excitement you once felt for your spouse. There are actually practical things you can do daily so that you feel those powerful chemicals again, but with your spouse and not with a new crush.

For the purpose of this article, I want to answer this reader’s question:

Hi,

I feel so ashamed of what I’m feeling right now. I am married, and I am happily married at that. I love my husband. I love the security of his unconditional love and the fact that I can be myself around him completely. I am attracted to him and we make love often, almost daily.We also have a great friendship and joke around a lot. This is why I don’t understand why I am so drawn to this guy at work. Actually I have even had dreams about 4 men at work. Some sexual, some not. One man in particular, I’m afraid, gives me butterflies. I look forward to seeing him every day and even find myself putting makeup and perfume on not because I want to look good for my husband, but because I want to look good for this guy at work. I feel like a terrible terrible person for feeling all these things. I guess I have a crush on him. Every time I see him, he smiles at me and it just makes me melt. He recently transferred jobs and when he left, I was so sad. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

My response:

My response to you would be different if you were dating the man you are with. But because you are married, you have to do EVERYTHING in your power to protect your marriage. It’s actually the BIGGEST blessing for you that this man transferred jobs. If he was still at your job, I’d recommend you avoid him as much as possible.

You could pretend its all very innocent, but the more time you spend with your crush, the more he will dominate your mind and heart, and that will leave less and less room for your husband. It is the fallen human nature to want what you don’t have. And the secret to contentment isn’t about “having what you want,” it’s about “wanting what you have.” And what you have is a doting, loving husband.

You need the power of absense to help you through this. Although right now this man’s face and your interactions are probably still fresh in your mind, little by little the idea of him will disappear. And sweetie, that is the best thing for you.

You may be suffering from dopamine addiction, something I am all too familiar with. Before I got married, I couldn’t stay in a relationship long term because I would get bored and I would miss that feeling of newness that comes with every new guy I crushed on. You have to remember that chemical high will always disappear (for the majority of people) And if you ever give into these crushes and commit adultery, you will be sacrificing so much, (a great marriage, a great guy) just to satisfy your addiction… and the sad thing is that soon, the newness with the new guy will wear off and you will be back at square one…alone with nothing. And good men are so hard to find.

The secret to getting over your dopamine addiction is to find practical ways to get that rush of chemicals from your husband. And I promise it can be done!

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Readers, the rest of this letter will be finished next week, when I share these practical tips:)

Have a great weekend!