Dating Advice

Failing is Better Than Quitting


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Have I mentioned my boyfriend is amazing? Nate never starts something unless he really wants to do it and unless he is willing to commit to it until it’s completion. I on the other hand, start things half-heartedly without much thought and quit when things get hard or something better or more interesting comes up.

Yup, I’m a natural quitter. I have a tendency to not finish what I start. Follow through? Not my strong suite.

Right now I’m training to be a ballroom dance instructor. Every week more of the trainees are being asked to leave. We are down to two follows (girls) and two leads (guys). I just found out they are only hiring one follow and one lead. Knowing that I am not the better dancer of the girls, last night I felt a strong desire to quit. I feel insecure about my position because I don’t feel like I’m their first pick.

What Nate made me realize is that I strongly STRONGLY oppose rejection in all forms and in all arenas of my life.

I’d rather quit than fail because in most cases that means I’m the one doing the rejecting instead of being rejected.

As much as this might be a self-preservation tactic, I realize that it’s also an ego thing. A pride thing. I want to be the rejector instead of the rejected….

How does this relate to the dating arena?

Are you like me?

I want to be the dumper instead of the dumpee.

I’d rather walk away than have someone leave me.

I’m afraid of failure and rejection because it feels like what I have to offer isn’t good enough.

These are all just feelings that stem from insecurity and pride.

It takes humility to…

  • Stay and give your best when you can feel that your partner’s heart isn’t in it anymore.
  • Love and keep your heart open when they’ve shut down and have put up a wall.
  • Remember your vows to love forever even when your partner has forgotten.
  • Keep asking women for their phone numbers when you are rejected for the umpteenth time.
  • Give your all when you can tell they want to walk away.
  • Keep pursuing the girl when you know you are competing with an ex or other guys who are vying for her attention.
  • Go for the girl when you feel she’s out of your league.

I learned two things from Nate:

1. It is more respectable to fail than to quit.

Let them be the one to pull the plug. All you can do is give your best.

If they walk away, your pride may be crushed.

Your insecurities may creep up…

But your dignity should remain in tact because you did what you could.

You cannot give a person more than your best. The rest is out of your control.

If your best wasn’t enough, it doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough, it means it wasn’t a good fit.

So stay.

Learn to accept failure as a triumph because you stuck it out. (as long as you did your best)

Learn to embrace rejection as a medal of bravery and courage because you took the leap and for once in your life, took a risk.

Good things happen to those who perservere in the face of rejection and failure. (Look at actors. Many of them earn their spotlight. They deal with rejection regularly.)

2. It’s better not to start something unless I really want it.

Up until now I never pursued a career or job because of the sheer passion of it. I’m thinking maybe I pursued the things I didn’t really have the heart for because I knew that I could quit when it became difficult or be rejected and it wouldn’t be difficult to walk away, I could think–

You’re promoting someone else instead of me? I can’t do this anymore? So what? I didn’t really want it anyway!

I took easy jobs instead of challenging jobs because I knew I wouldn’t fail, thinking–

I may not love what I do, but I’m good at it.

The problem is, as a rule, it’s easier to quit on things (and people) when you didn’t really want to get involved in the first place. If this dance training were one of my previous jobs, I would have easily quit already. This time, I called up my boyfriend and played devil’s advocate. I really wanted him to give me a pep talk to remind me of why I didn’t want to quit. (which he did!) Fear of rejection sometimes takes the form of rationalizations that you didn’t want that job or that person anyway.

You know that saying, follow your heart?

It’s so true. The most fulfilled people are those who followed their passion in their careers and went for the guys/girls who they really wanted.

Be that person who settled for more.

It’s easier to stick around when you are with the person you really want. People would be spared so much heartache if men and women didn’t get involved just because they were lonely, horny, needing to feel wanted, afraid to be alone, starving for attention or affection, or just because that person wanted them.

Don’t go for her just because she’s a sure bet, go for the girl that you really want, even if she is a challenge.

Don’t go for the guy just because he really likes you, judge him by his character.

And, when the odds are against you, do not fear the competition, step up your game and give your best.

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Article written by:

I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

Join the discussion

  1. Dave

    Fear of rejection, eh? How can I work this to my advantage…ah, I will delete your rss feed unless you send me $5.

    Good post, will try to make an intelligent comment when I have some time. Key word being “try”.

  2. Laura

    Nice blog. I agree with wanting to be the dumper instead of the dumpee just because it is less painful. I’ve been on both ends however, and learning from my relationships, I find that giving my all and following my heart is the only way I will be happy. When you Start Love it is important that you are in a relationship you really want to be in. I know so many friends who date because they don’t want to be alone. That’s the worst idea I have ever heard because you never know if the person you date will be all in the relationship and you’re only with them because you’d rather not be alone. So go into a relationship because it’s what you truly want, and think of it in terms of whether you really want to spend your time with someone and invest yourself into them.

  3. MidoriLei

    Great advice 🙂

  4. bruidspaar

    Do you mind if I quote a few of your posts as long as I provide credit and sources back to your website? My blog site is in the exact same niche as yours and my users would certainly benefit from a lot of the information you provide here. Please let me know if this ok with you. Thank you!

  5. MidoriLei

    bruidspaar, feel free to quote me. Thanks:)

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