Don’t Ever Marry Someone Who Isn’t…

…your friend. Overly simplistic? Heard it before? Maybe. Probably. Still. It’s a little harder than you think, actually. That’s if you start off dating without first being friends. You have to force yourself to put aside all those hormonal, romantic feelings you have toward this person, all that sexual energy, and simply ask yourself,

“If I wasn’t attracted to _________ would I even want to pursue a friendship with him/her?”

I’ve heard the same story many times. In the end, someone ends up saying something to the extent of, “After the blinders came off, after I saw past the great sex, I thought to myself, we’re so different, I don’t even like this person!”

So maybe marriage isn’t all about love. Wha–?! Hear me out. Maybe “like” lasts longer than the standard, all-consuming “love,” we all refer to. Take this example. I love all my relatives. Deeply. I would give my life for them. But, I don’t actually like some of them. Meaning, if they weren’t my family, I would probably never associate with them by choice. Ouch.

Come on! You know what I’m talking about! There’s always at least one relative you think is annoying, you don’t like their personality, you don’t like some character traits. Stuff like that.

My point is, you gotta marry someone you like.
Or as one pretty wise guy once said, “You have to marry someone you like when they’re annoying you, when they’re vomiting in the bathroom, when they’re mad, when they’re sad.” A good friend of mine also said, “When looking for a husband, you have to pick someone who you really like and would be friends with anyways.”

Let me tell you, the best way to figure out if the person you are attracted to is someone you would be life long friends with is to hold off on the physical. Diving into the physical really has a way of blurring your vision and screwing with your logic. If the sex is good, you can rationalize a lot. Great sex can blind you, seriously. But not forever. If you really like someone and see the potential for it to go somewhere long term, remember, it’s not a sprint, it’s a long distance marathon to the finish line we call happily wedded bliss. If you marry this person, you have your whole lives to discover each other’s bodies. Now is the time to discover their mind. ‘Cuz really, isn’t that what our person really is? I think of my body as just this vessel that holds my mind; my mind is what really makes me, me. And although I want someone to appreciate and delight in what my physical body has to offer in terms of sight and touch, if they can hold off on that and first seek to value my mind, that is when “like” really has a chance to become “love.” Marriage is the meeting of minds.

“In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind before the body; then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self”

-William Penn

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I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

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  1. Lydia

    Nice- I love it! Words of wisdom for sure. I like the part about sex being blinding- SO true. I like to sit and think about my feelings for a guy BEFORE anything physical happens so that after it does I can look back and remind myself of how he measures up in reality. I think another good test to use after it gets physical is to ask yourself whether you’d still want to hang out with the person if you couldn’t touch them. Oh, and when a guy still wants to spend time with me even when he knows that we’re not going to be doing anything physical, I know he really likes me.

  2. vegetarianqt

    “when a guy still wants to spend time with me even when he knows that we’re not going to be doing anything physical, I know he really likes me,”

    Love it!

  3. Greg

    My wife and I will have been married 26 years next month. She is the best friend I have ever had. Some of the physically-based spark will wax and wane over the years. If you have a deep friendship, all it can do is grow if you let it. Then, sex is a natural outgrowth of a great relationship. I have given my kids the same advice as the title of your posting – it’s totally legit, IMO! 🙂

  4. vegetarianqt

    Greg, thank you so much for sharing! It’s nice to hear from someone who’s tested this out and has proven it through successful marriage. Congratulations on 26 years! You’re an inspiration to us all:)

  5. Relationship advice that makes a difference

    Lots of information to digest. I\’ll need some time to think about this.

  6. Ashley

    so true. its always easier to know what a person really thinks of you when they know up front that you will be holding off on the physical for a little bit. 🙂

  7. Aplus

    I agree there, you want to at least be on the same page, and being friends is a huge plus.

  8. Beka

    This. Is. Awesome.
    And…one of the reasons why I haven’t pursued a sensual relationship with any guy as of yet. As you said, it’s better for that stuff to come AFTER being friends…..

    Great writing!!


    Nice post =) It’s really true.. beyond the physical attraction, it’s really the “mental” attraction that holds people together..

  10. Nicole Boivin

    Couldnt find a place to share this with you otherwise, may be of value to you and your readers as a resource to locate people (dates) across social networks, dating sites etc (search engine) thanks,

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