Attraction

Decoding Women Speak: What it Means When She Says “You’re Perfect on Paper…I Just Don’t Get Excited About You That Way”

She's Just Not That Into You

Have you ever tried and failed so many times with women, that you started asking them what it is about you that turns them off? Sometimes this can be a fruitful endeavor, other times women are too nice to say exactly what’s on their mind.

I’ve advised men to ask their close male friends as well as former dates, since I can only give advice based on what a reader tells me, and sometimes what’s “wrong” is what they don’t even realize, so they can’t tell me.

Well, one reader gives me this insight from his friends and a couple women he’s dated…

Reader’s Concern:

Well, now I’ve had a chance to talk to some people. My guy friends describe me as “too nice”. They tell me to “expect a girl to pull her own weight and call her out when she doesn’t”. I guess that means I’m supposed to say something when a girl gets flakey instead of just not calling anymore. Thoughts?

I called the last three girls I went out with for a female perspective here, maybe you could translate;0) two of them said that there was “nothing really wrong”, that I was “a hoot and a half” but that they just didn’t get excited about me. The last one described me as “perfect. On paper”. I don’t really know what any of that means but It doesn’t sound horrible.

How do you create excitement without appearing to try too hard?

Here’s part of my response:

(I’ve shortened it as my entire comment had part of a past article inserted at the end)

    I don’t think what your friends said means you’re supposed to say something when a girl gets flaky. I think the key is to ask your friends what “pull her own weight” means.

First Possible Reason She Doesn’t Get Excited about You

    I think that women enjoy your company, but maybe they “just don’t get excited about you” because in the first few dates, you may be focused too much on impressing than on “prequalifying.”

    What do I mean by prequalifying?


    I mean that on the first couple of dates, a woman should not feel like she has you already wrapped around her finger.

    She has to feel like you are there to enjoy her company but also to see if YOU want to take it forward, not just her. If you have the mindset going into a date, I have to get her to like me, then you will send off that nice guy vibe that women run away from. Don’t get me wrong, you don’t want to look like you are putting your date through an interview, so it’s a fine balance. She has to go home wondering and hoping you will call, not assuming, this guy is hooked. Of course he will call.


    You don’t create excitement by trying harder.
    (trying harder is assuming it’s just you there to impress)

    You create excitement by leaving a sense of uncertainty.


    A sense of being unsure makes a girl excited.

    And this is not about playing games. You shouldn’t be sure about a girl after a couple of dates. This is about respecting yourself enough to not just let any woman capture your heart so easily. It always takes time to figure out if a woman is as beautiful inside as she is on the outside. Remember, charm is deceitful and beauty fades…(Proverbs 31:30)

    Again, this is a fine balance because you want to pursue her boldly and consistently, but your interactions need to be two way:

    It’s two people trying to get to know each other to see if they should move forward, not one guy begging and trying to impress and only the woman holding the keys to whether or not it moves forward.

Second Possible Reason She Doesn’t Get Excited About You

    Also, it could be a personality thing. Are you more outgoing or more introverted? If you are outgoing and also try to pursue outgoing women, many times opposites attract so they may be more interested in shy/mysterious types (I know I’m that way because I’m very enthusiastic and talkative) I’m not saying that all women are like this but typically shyer women are attracted to more outgoing and assertive men and outgoing and assertive women are typically more attracted to shy guys who are good listeners.

    The opposite personalities feed off each other. I’m also not saying that you have to go after only shy women if you’re outgoing. I’m saying that you may have to pursue more women than other men if you’re looking for someone who has the same personality. Usually like personalities have a harder time attracting like personalities. Hope that makes sense.

Of course there are other possible reasons a woman doesn’t get excited about a guy. I remember back in college, this one guy pursued me. He was really attractive, but my intuition just kept me from moving forward. There was also one point when I turned down guys in college because I was still in love with my ex.

The point is, you don’t know what a girl is going through emotionally that can block her from opening up to a new romance, but these two possible reasons above are things that are common.

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Article written by:

I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

Join the discussion

  1. hunter

    Women are “feeling” beings. A woman operates off of her “feelings”. Probably the most underemphasized topic in most relationship blogs. If she doesn’t want to see us after the third date, most likely, we as men did not make her “feel” .

    • MidoriLei

      hunter,

      GREAT point! And I’d like to add that part of getting her to “feel” something, is making sure you’re making the effort to ask questions and get to know her. Many men are so concerned about being “interesting” in an effort to impress, they forget that women are more turned on by a man who shows “interest” in her. Women, by nature, need to feel “connected,” and they do this by feeling understood, having good conversations, and feeling like the conversations are personal and relational.

  2. GI joe

    Ya know, I always used to think that as a man I was responsible for shaping the outcome of an interaction to what I thought it should be. And it seems like that’s a popular view. But this idea of “prequalifying” has given me a thought. Maybe it’s not the guys responsibility to shape the interaction, so much as pay attention to the way it flows naturally. She needs to have the same interest in the relationship as you do, so maybe we shouldnt try to help her as much. It takes a lot of pressure off a guy to think about it that way.

    After all, no guy wants to be responsible for her every feeling for their whole life…

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