Attraction

Dating Advice from my 85yr old Grandma

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I’ve only gotten two pieces of actual relationship advice from my grandma… the first one applies to ladies.

“If you run, he will follow, if you follow, he will run.”

Mind games? PRETTY MUCH! This is so old skool talk. You decide for yourself if it has any validity. Let’s just say, they don’t call it the dating “game” for no reason…

The other had to do with how my grandmother felt about my grandfather courting her. She made it pretty clear to me that she wasn’t attracted to him. So her second piece of advice…

“Look for a good man. The love will follow.”

Tying in the first piece of advice to the second, I think the reason she was able to “run” and he “followed” is because she wasn’t initially interested anyway!

Well, she didn’t care what he looked like, or the fact that he had a dictator-like aura about him.

Stern face.

Commanding presence.

Basically she’s telling me, who the heck cares what he looks like! Who cares if being around him doesn’t make your palms sweaty and your heart race?

Yeah. Ummmm… That’s me, raising my hand in the back.

I care.

I can’t help it.

I like cute boys.

I blame it on the privileges our post-feminism world affords. More on that later. Possibly, actually, most definitely the media has had an influence.

(Mind you, my version of “cute boy” doesn’t mean he’s cute to everyone else. My best friends know my type. They can spot him from a distance. And believe me, my “type” surely doesn’t garner the same kind of admiration from their point of view. But I don’t care what they think about how he looks. Heck, I guess I don’t care about how he looks, as long as at some point he does make me nervous… makes my palms sweat… makes my heart race. By that time, by all standards, he’ll fit the “he’s cute” bill in my book.)

Back to post-feminism world privileges. Women can work and take care of themselves physically. So the old adage my grandma was probably used to, of finding a husband who has a good job and a good character, regardless of how you feel about him sexually, regardless of your lack of physical attraction… Well, the only thing that still holds up today as far as her advice is concerned is making sure you’re with a man of good character.

Why? Because women can bring home the bacon. (or for all you Adventists out there… the MorningStar Stripples) And because women aren’t ashamed to admit they actually have a sexual appetite and not just any good-hearted, hard working boy with a steady income can satisfy that hunger.

Sometimes I feel shallow because I only date men I’m sexually attracted to….

Then I remember that men display identical tastes to mine, preferences that tend toward the young and professionally pulchritudinous. Women my mother’s age have told me to find a man who would be a good father and provider, meaning: food, shelter, a steady income—stability. I smile and refrain from telling them that I can afford my own food and rent and that my friends and family give me support and love. About the only thing that I can’t give myself is that flush of excitement upon locking eyes (and lips) with a [guy I’m physically drawn to]. -Min Lieskovsky

Yes, I may have much to learn about love since I’m young and naive… but I don’t think I’ll ever settle for a guy who doesn’t in the least tempt me to have inappropriate thoughts. Those thoughts are pure in the context of marriage, but if before marriage, I’m not even tempted to think them…. it’s a BAD sign! If you’re a Christian, read 1 Cor 7: 4. It’s a command. When you get married, your body doesn’t just belong to you anymore. So, if you choose someone you’re sexually attracted to, at least it’ll be more of a pleasure than a “duty” to fulfill!

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I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

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  1. HeatherM

    something that Min Lieskovsky’s quote here leaves out is how important it is to pick a man whom you want to one day be the daddy of your babies. i like a man with good looks too, but instead of needing a provider, i need a partner who wants to co-raise children with me. a whole herd. LOL. these kids will grow up year after year and need a man in their life whom they can trust and respect, whom they can feel loved by. someone reliable, responsible, caring, unselfish, a problem-solver not a problem-starter. somethings about a man i like i can deal with, but in terms of “future father?” it’s a definite NO WAY. so although i agree with you that attraction is very important, i disagree with Min’s quote that the “only that I can’t give myself is that flush of excitement” – i would say, the only thing i can’t do for myself is be a father to my children.

  2. vegetarianqt

    SUCH a great point Heather! So wise my friend, so wise:) thanks for sharing!

  3. Jason

    Awww she’s adorable

  4. Nathan

    I, too, used to think perhaps I was being a bit shallow or had unrealistic expectations. There were times I would feel guilty for being drawn towards attractive girls when everything in me said I should ignore the exterior and focus on things like character. Yet over and over again I kept asking myself, is it really so horrible to stipulate that you must be attracted to a person in order to pursue a relationship? Why it it somehow more acceptable to evaluate qualities like intelligence, when such traits are really no more controlled by the person than how they look?

    Being a male, and especially being an artist, visual appeal influences me a lot. I recognize that fact and accept it just as much as I accept that I am drawn toward intelligence and wit. So, yes, being attractive is one of the things that I would look for and expect in a potential partner. I don’t think that is wrong.

    HOWEVER. Who is to say what I will find attractive? There are many girls that most people might not find quite so pretty at first that just have a certain way of growing on you. Part of the physical attraction does come from personality, and love, I think, has an amazing quirk to it that tends to mold our tastes fit the one we love. The one you desire becomes desirable.

    Therefore, I no longer think it’s shallow to expect an attractive mate. if I do ever end up with someone, I have no doubts that she will be beautiful. No matter what she looks like.

    PS, your grandmother is cute.

  5. MidoriLei

    Nathan— I like this: “Why it it somehow more acceptable to evaluate qualities like intelligence, when such traits are really no more controlled by the person than how they look?”

    I’ve never thought of that, but it’s a good point!

    ps, my grandmother is available:P LOL

  6. LoveStory.sg

    The first quote is so true! Thanks for that! =)

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