Controversial topic: Wait for sex

Sex before marriage? BAD Idea

I know it’s a controversial topic: wait for sex.  Who wants to? It’s more fun to just get at it.  Instant gratification is great, but what is the cost?

Case Study

One of my closest friends,  like ride or die, soul sister, the BFF has not had a lot of luck in love. She’s gotten sucked into dick-sand more times than I can count.  When we were teenagers, she would disappear when she got into a relationships and while that eventually faded out, her need for a boyfriend never did.

And now, in her 30s, she continuously picks men that she will not want a long term future with.  Like, good quality men, but ones that don’t have basic attributes that she will need to be satisfied in a relationship, ie. Christianity!

Then she tries to force it. Like a shoe that is too small, but looks perfect with her outfit, she pushes through the pain for the beauty of having a relationship.  I don’t think she has ever spent more than a few months alone, and even when she was alone she was talking to or dating someone.  And now, because of her biological clock looming over head, she is afraid to take anytime off of the dating scene to be alone.

I digress.  This post is about sex.  Not about the woes of my BFF’s dating faux pas and short comings.

Let me make the connection:

She dated a douche bag for the last couple of years.  He was a real piece of work.  In fact, prepare yourself…he had a girlfriend in another city for the first 8 months of their relationship.  AND when the other girl found my friend online and messaged her, my ride or die decided to stay with him!!!



But there was no reasoning with her.  She was going through it on all sides family, work, her home, and then her relationship fell apart.  I get it.  He was her safe place.  She felt like she needed him, like she could forgive and work it out.

She had always been strong.  She had stayed in relationships past their due date, but had never tolerated any type of mistreatment.  And it wasn’t even like the dog was honest.  He was found out, and you all know as well as I do that the first offense is never the only.  And the offenses kept coming, from sexting to lying to spending thousands of dollars on the other girl and nothing on my friend.


When she finally came to her senses A YEAR AND A HALF LATER and dumped him we had a VERY candid conversation about that all pressing question: WHY?!

The only answer that she could give was sex. Not that it was that great.  Not that it wasn’t that great either. But that it was the attachment that the intimacy caused to grow in her.  She was giving herself to someone as if he was her husband.  She did not guard her heart, emotions or body for someone who had her best interest. Because of sex she felt such loyalty to him…because she had given all of herself to him, and he had not even take the most basic step of monogamy toward her.

She’s not the only one

I have another friend who stayed with a swine-boy through him disappearing for days, losing all of their money at casinos and giving her an STD.  Why?  Sex.  She had the same attachment as the BFF.

Sex is powerful.

It makes people do crazy-stoopid things (and not in the “oh so romantic way”).  It numbs and blinds people so they stay where they never should have been.

So, my counsel is to wait.  It’s countercultural and even controversial.  But do it. Wait to give that heart attachment to someone who is worthy.  Someone who will have your best interest at heart, who will pray over you and for you, who will wait with you for the safety of marriage and giving your heart to someone who will stay.

What do you think about waiting?


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I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

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