Big DON’T: Mentioning Her Body During Initial Stages of Getting to Know Her
You don’t want to get slapped do you????
I have a long backlog of inquiries from readers that I realize are great to share so that everyone can learn and contribute to the discussion!
Why haven’t I thought about this before? (Oh yeah, I did, but I’m too lazy to cut and paste them from my email???? LOL)
I guess I just have too much to say about dating/relationships/love in general. Right now I have 35 drafts in my blog, just waiting to be published.
Writing.
It’s my new addiction.
And I’m loving every moment of it.
So here’s a great email I got.
Scott wrote:
I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It
was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early
thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be
hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “nice, full,
hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she
became deeply offended. She snapped, “Oh really….well perhaps I should do some
plus size modeling!” I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my
comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term “healthy”.
With a look of complete disgust, she slapped my face and departed.I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I
was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgemental stares from
onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment, LOL.She had the classic figure of a 50’s pinup - large bust, narrow waist, shapely
hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning
big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well
proportioned.When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never
a good idea to comment on a woman’s figure, even if I thought it was
complimentary. What do you think about this?
My answer:
I’m so sorry about your experience. Thank you for sharing. I COMPLETELY AGREE with what your friend advised. Especially at the onset of getting to know someone new, it’s NEVER a good idea to mention their body. You lose either way. If you give something complimentary, she will think you are only looking for one thing– to get her in bed. Or that you’re most concerned with physical appearance above knowing her as an individual. (character, personality) (And you already know what happens if she takes a comment as meaning something negative)
See, this is unfair, I know, but the thing is, the media, our society makes women feel like that is all we are worth— that we are the sum of how we look, especially how our bodies look. Everywhere a woman looks, she gets messages that her appearance is somehow not enough, somehow lacking— and she gets the message that that’s what men care about most.
So a woman has to deal with this burden every single day– it’s exacerbated by the fact that our media also places a premium value on women who are modelesque. Being thin is in these days according to the media. (even if men prefer an hourglass figure and some meat on a woman’s bones)
Basically, your nice, meaningful, innocent remark is competing with screaming messages left and right given to women through magazines, movies, television— and perpetuated by our belief that these things are truth.
So within each woman is a desire to feel beautiful and to be known for who she is, not what her body looks like. Funny thing is, it’s always appropriate to mention a woman’s beauty, just as long as a man doesn’t mention it in the context of the way her body looks! (At least at the onset of getting to know someone)
Hope that helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.
Midori
February 28th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Ah yes, as a woman who is sensitive about her weight/figure (even though it’s probably irrational since I have a low percentage of body fat) I’d highly recommend against commenting on physical appearance. There is very little upside and much potential for misinterpretation of your comments.
While I can sympathize with the original poster, who seemed to have the best of intentions, I can definitely relate to the offended woman, since I also have hourglass curves and take a defensive posture when it comes to comments about my figure. Btw, it’s too bad the incident was not caught on camera…it would make a great training film for other men! LOL
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:33 am
I have been searching for sites related to this. Glad I found you. Thanks
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:18 pm
you’re welcome flashy:)