Avoid The Passive Man

May 4th, 2007 by vegetarianqt

So many men are passive, just like this sentence. The problem with passive sentences is that they tend to bore the reader and the reader loses interest. The problem with passive men is that they tend to bore women and women lose interest.

Men are passive about:

* Pursuing women – maybe it’s the lack of a “biological clock.” Maybe in an effort to empower women through feminism, women have started pursuing men, and men would rather just sit back and wait. ( We thought we empowered ourselves by taking on their role, but instead we ended up cutting them slack in the dating department and making them passive.)
* Finding what the heck it is they were meant to do in this life – My brother told me once that because a man’s role is to lead, he needs to be clear about his plans. That way, a woman can respond in her given role and say “Yes, I’m willing to follow you in that dream,” or “Adios, good luck with that,” and move on.

Part of a woman’s security and fulfillment in a relationship is knowing that she can support a man in his dreams and that she is proud to back him up. That is why she needs to know what it is that a man wants to do with his life.

Here’s what relationships without a purpose look like:

wedding ducks wrong

We view love relationships like this, but this gets old really fast. You think you’re getting bored with each other, but really you’re getting bored because you are living without a purpose beyond yourselves.

Living just to please each other makes for a stagnant existence, because you’re not moving forward.

Here’s what relationships with a purpose look like:

wedding ducks right

We need to view love relationships like this. This never gets old. You don’t have time to get bored because there is a goal in mind.

Living to serve together makes for an exciting, fulfilling, meaningful existence because you’re moving forward and in the same direction.

As humans, we were meant to bring something to this earth while we are here, not just live to consume. Deep down we want to know that our existence was meaningful. That’s why it feels good to serve.

It’s no wonder my heart shut down when a date told me, “Oh, I don’t volunteer.”

It’s no wonder my heart opened up when a guy told me, “I just want to make a difference…”

The first showed passivity, an existence that lacked selfless service. The second showed activity, an existence that displayed a desire for selfless service. Now that’s hot. The problem with passivity is that women want to see a man in action. That’s why the players get the applause and the benchwarmers get ignored.

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14 Responses to “Avoid The Passive Man”

  1. Fred McDonald Says:

    Complaining about passive people is about as passive as it gets.

  2. Why Active Men on a Mission Are HOT | Dating Advice From A Girl Says:

    [...] He actively initiated interest. By active, I mean he wasn’t passive. [...]

  3. Fred Says:

    You know this made me think of a quote. was something like: “All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” Amerindo Waldo Emerson

  4. Will Says:

    Sorry, I don’t know many ‘players’ that volunteer. But I do know many quiet, emotionally “passive” men that do volunteer. Some wait for women to make the first move and some don’t. Players are good at pretending to care about women until they get what they want from the woman.

    Don’t believe me? Look up the book called “The Game”. It cites a number of other pick-up ‘artist’ books that encourage men to use whatever means they can (including dishonesty and psychological abuse) to get women interested in them

  5. Moteriski kvepalai Says:

    Hi. First of all – fantastic blog! Secondly this article was also good and interesting to read, but I don’t think everything you have said is how it is in reality. I will need to google about few things you have mentioned in your artcile to make sure. But anyway thanks for taking your time to write intresting artciles and good luck on writing other articles. P.S sorry for bad English, I aren’t English native speaker.

  6. LDB Says:

    Passive men, Passive women. Active men, Active women. Which one leads, which one follows? Which one makes things happen, which one waits for things to happen? Which one thinks, “I wonder what they think of me?” Which one thinks “I wonder what I think of them?” Which one moves. Which one sits. Which one has strong opinions. Which one takes whatever comes. Which one is conscientious? Which one is careless? Which one is for you? I know which one is for me.

  7. LoveStory.sg Says:

    Nice post.. according to my female friends, it’s really true. They find men with purpose in life more attractive! =)

  8. bored Says:

    trying to find you, do you have fb?

  9. MidoriLei Says:

    bored, sorry I only sneak around my hubby’s page:(

  10. ask away Says:

    If man is boring and does nothing for women to not lose interest in him, things never work right …

  11. Mike Says:

    I thought the article was good up to this point. It’s no wonder my heart shut down when a date told me, “Oh, I don’t volunteer.”

    It’s no wonder my heart opened up when a guy told me, “I just want to make a difference…”

    The first showed passivity, an existence that lacked selfless service. The second showed activity, an existence that displayed a desire for selfless service.

    I don’t understand how him saying “Oh, I don’t vounteer.” has anything to do with being passive. Wouldn’t that mean he knows what he wants and what he doesn’t want to do? I see a passive person more of a person that cares about someones well being and would volunteer then someone that aggressive and doesn’t care about someones well being. I think you have to two mixed up. As I tend to find people that are very alpha are careless and people that are passive normally want to please people and care about them. So in this I am very confused on your perspective on how you understand people.

  12. MidoriLei Says:

    Hi Mike,

    Thanks for your comment. You make a great point. The article was about avoiding the passive man, but I went on a detour and started talking about why living as a couple without a purpose beyond yourselves is detrimental. You’re right. Some very active men will know what they want to do with their lives and hence they may not have time to volunteer. I want to clarify what I mean by passive men. I also want to share that the opposite is not aggressive, but an assertive and an active pursuer. Aggressive is beyond assertive and has a negative connotation. Aggressive is like being assertive but without caring for how others are affected.

    What I’m asking men to do is switch from being passive ( not taking active control of their lives- taking a back seat in the dating department, waiting for things to happen, or taking the back seat in their professional lives, bobbing around without a focus or direction, just waiting for opportunity.)to being assertive/active (not aggressive) The difference between a passive man (unattractive) and an assertive/active man (attractive) is that the passive man waits. He is reactive. The assertive/active man, goes after his goals. He has goals, is proactive about all areas of his life (women, work, family etc…) He is not a people pleaser(unattractive because people pleasers really “please” in order to make people like them so although it doesn’t seem this way, the goal of “pleasing” people has a selfish motive.) He is not a people pleaser, but he is a gentleman and he is tactful and kind– his motivations are different from the people pleasers. He doesn’t care for people to get them to like him, but to show his love for them.

    Alphas can be careless, but the quality about alphas (they are also assertive/active men) is their determination to reach their goals and their focus and drive. They don’t walk on eggshells wondering if everyone approves of their decisions.(which people pleasers tend to do) Instead they are decisive, firm on their resolve and they move quickly to action. I think there are things that an alpha can learn from a passive people pleaser type of guy and visa versa. Unfortunately, the alphas tend to attract the women so I don’t focus my writing on reaching them as an audience, instead, I focus my writing on trying to help passive people pleaser type of men gain the attributes of an alpha that makes him attractive. (which are the assertive/active traits)

    Let me know if you have any more questions. Hope this clarifies it a bit?

    Also, here are other articles I wrote about alpha males to give you even more clarity:

    Understanding the Alpha Male


    Empower Your Inner Alpha Male


    All Hail the Alpha Male

    Midori

  13. Nancy Says:

    I was going with a passive man. He lets his 2 boys age 22 and 24 control him. And he lets the two boys girlfriends control him. I didn’t go on this trip that one of the controlling girlfriends set up and she got mad because she couldn’t control me and get me to go. I didn’t see any point and going and being in an environment that is controlling. But let me tell you, he is passive with people he sees as friends but with me which he told me he loved me, he was mean. He wasn’t passive at all, we broke up because of this trip and he was sulking because I didn’t go and he let this sons girlfriend control the situation. But yet he can treat me like crap and be verbally sarcastic and pretty much tell me what he wanted to say. He drops me like a hot potato because this sons girlfriend coerced him into it. He tried to start trouble with me and get me to break up with him, but it didn’t work. I made him make a decision. He was saying terrible things to me and for him to be passive and let them run all over them and then be non passive to me has me baffled. But I guess that could be called passive aggressive. I told him when he gets some balls contact me.

  14. MidoriLei Says:

    Nancy, WOW! What a emotional trip you’ve been through. For sure many people who are passive (not just men) also end up being passive aggressive. I know a few people like this. They put up with having people walk all over them sooo much that they end up coming to a breaking point and it comes out very rude and aggressive. Thank you for sharing another reason why passive people need to be honest— to learn to tell the truth in love. otherwise it comes out eventually and the truth comes out in anger and resentment and uncontrolled aggression. Yikes. Sorry you had to deal with this hun.

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