You’re right. There are a few other things but I think that these are the most important. Why people wait to ask these questions until after the honeymoon is beyond me. lol
Time spent interacting with in-laws. There is definitely a concept of “too much.”
How much influence they will have with decision making. Meddling parents can be a huge annoyance to an independent partner.
Acceptable proximity, or lack of, when deciding where to live.
And simply “do i like them” and “do they like me” are great questions to ask. They make or break the importance of the rest of those questions.
If parents have ran, influenced, and controlled their child’s life all of his or her life, even if it really was done just to be helpful, it is very unlikely they will stop just because the child is married. It would be very difficult to have a spouse who does not value your opinion above everyone else’s, including parents.
I’m not sure if any of those would be deciding factors, though it sure would be good to know what you are getting into.
Perfect Jason! Thanks for your input. I agree 100%. Those are great subjects to discuss regarding in-laws. I also want to add these:
Holidays– who will you spend them with? Will you alternate family visits or stay at home or decide together when the time comes?
Also, my good friend Gabe added these:
Do both sides approve of the nuptials?
Just remember, in a sense you do marry the family.
Also I’d add, if the family hates you, try to find out why. You really don’t want to play tug of war with your mate and their family. In the long run it can be a major conflict and a huge headache.
It seems like the girl I’m dating right now visits her parents 1-3 times per week (and they live ~30 min away so it’s an hour round trip), which would definitely be too much for me. I like her family..but not that much. How could we come to a consensus if we were having pre-marriage discussions? Would I do something like suggest only seeing them a certain # of times a month? Would it be too controlling to suggest something like that?
And regarding proximity..if she wanted to live in the same neighborhood or something that would be a deal breaker. Wow. I hope that’s not the case but since we’ve never talked about it I don’t know…that would be a deal breaker for sure.
You definitely want to talk about that deal breaker soon Cory. THREE of my best girl friends bought houses in the same neighborhood or within a couple of blocks from their parents! It is not an uncommon thing to do.
I think if you were talking to her about her visiting her family, don’t ever make HER limit her interactions and visits with her family, but volunteer the information that you hope she doesn’t expect YOU to join her every time. Ask her, how many times would be ideal for YOU to join her on her trips? And then if it’s workable for you, you can agree, if not, you can ask her to compromise and lessen the number of trips. You speak as if you have to go with her when she goes. That doesn’t have to be the case at all. But like I said, don’t ever make her feel like SHE has to limit her visits.
Couples have to give each other the freedom to do their own thing:) It doesn’t have to be a conflict.
Ah good advice. And I guess I said the whole “living in the same neighborhood” thing because it would make my commute to work suck..not cause I don’t want her to see her family. But that’s a great point that I wouldn’t be required to join her every time I didn’t think about that. Thanks for the tips.
I think that when dating it’s important to find the right person for you and get your love smiles in order. I was surfing the net to find love and found someone special when a unique site came across my fingertips.. The site was Japanese Friend Finder.Com http://www.japanesefriendfinder.com They had tons of my type which is Japanese women but also they had men and ladies from countries around the world. I found my sweet love in three days. Just wanted to pass on some sweet news straight from my baby’s lips mMmmmmmm
hi sweet my age is 38 i living in spain i am single no married any girrl who are honest only honesty is all in the life eyes colour is green and smart girrl thanks byyyyyyyyyy
March 31st, 2009 at 8:21 pm
You’re right. There are a few other things but I think that these are the most important. Why people wait to ask these questions until after the honeymoon is beyond me. lol
April 1st, 2009 at 9:18 am
What are some specific questions that should be asked or discussions had regarding in-laws?
April 1st, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Time spent interacting with in-laws. There is definitely a concept of “too much.”
How much influence they will have with decision making. Meddling parents can be a huge annoyance to an independent partner.
Acceptable proximity, or lack of, when deciding where to live.
And simply “do i like them” and “do they like me” are great questions to ask. They make or break the importance of the rest of those questions.
If parents have ran, influenced, and controlled their child’s life all of his or her life, even if it really was done just to be helpful, it is very unlikely they will stop just because the child is married. It would be very difficult to have a spouse who does not value your opinion above everyone else’s, including parents.
I’m not sure if any of those would be deciding factors, though it sure would be good to know what you are getting into.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:31 am
Perfect Jason! Thanks for your input. I agree 100%. Those are great subjects to discuss regarding in-laws. I also want to add these:
Holidays– who will you spend them with? Will you alternate family visits or stay at home or decide together when the time comes?
Also, my good friend Gabe added these:
Do both sides approve of the nuptials?
Just remember, in a sense you do marry the family.
Also I’d add, if the family hates you, try to find out why. You really don’t want to play tug of war with your mate and their family. In the long run it can be a major conflict and a huge headache.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:35 am
It seems like the girl I’m dating right now visits her parents 1-3 times per week (and they live ~30 min away so it’s an hour round trip), which would definitely be too much for me. I like her family..but not that much. How could we come to a consensus if we were having pre-marriage discussions? Would I do something like suggest only seeing them a certain # of times a month? Would it be too controlling to suggest something like that?
And regarding proximity..if she wanted to live in the same neighborhood or something that would be a deal breaker. Wow. I hope that’s not the case but since we’ve never talked about it I don’t know…that would be a deal breaker for sure.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:42 am
You definitely want to talk about that deal breaker soon Cory. THREE of my best girl friends bought houses in the same neighborhood or within a couple of blocks from their parents! It is not an uncommon thing to do.
I think if you were talking to her about her visiting her family, don’t ever make HER limit her interactions and visits with her family, but volunteer the information that you hope she doesn’t expect YOU to join her every time. Ask her, how many times would be ideal for YOU to join her on her trips? And then if it’s workable for you, you can agree, if not, you can ask her to compromise and lessen the number of trips. You speak as if you have to go with her when she goes. That doesn’t have to be the case at all. But like I said, don’t ever make her feel like SHE has to limit her visits.
Couples have to give each other the freedom to do their own thing:) It doesn’t have to be a conflict.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Ah good advice. And I guess I said the whole “living in the same neighborhood” thing because it would make my commute to work suck..not cause I don’t want her to see her family. But that’s a great point that I wouldn’t be required to join her every time I didn’t think about that. Thanks for the tips.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
[...] link: 4 Things Couples Should Agree on before Marriage Share Relationship [...]
August 24th, 2009 at 4:11 am
I think that when dating it’s important to find the right person for you and get your love smiles in order. I was surfing the net to find love and found someone special when a unique site came across my fingertips.. The site was Japanese Friend Finder.Com http://www.japanesefriendfinder.com They had tons of my type which is Japanese women but also they had men and ladies from countries around the world. I found my sweet love in three days. Just wanted to pass on some sweet news straight from my baby’s lips mMmmmmmm
September 14th, 2009 at 7:10 am
hi sweet my age is 38 i living in spain i am single no married any girrl who are honest only honesty is all in the life eyes colour is green and smart girrl thanks byyyyyyyyyy