Dating Advice

10 Qualities Women Want In Men – Based On “The Notebook”

the notebookAh, “The Notebook.” (Sigh.) Watched it last night. I don’t watch movies more than once, with very few exceptions. This is one of those exceptions; I’ve watched this movie 3 or 4 times now.

Many would argue that this movie is by far the best love story captured on film. What sets this movie apart from other love stories on film?

Noah and Allie’s love passes the test of endurance.
Unlike a typical romantic comedy or love story, we see beyond the “kiss”; we see what happens after happily ever after. As women, we want to believe that a man will find himself at home in our presence, that he truly means ’till death do us part.’ Even as Noah progressively loses Allie through Alzheimer’s, he states, “My sweetheart lives here. This is my home. She is my home.”

Noah is the prototype of what women desire in a man.
I wish men would take notes while watching this movie. There is so much to be learned from Noah’s character. Every woman I know who has seen this movie notes that Noah at first seems rather plain in physical appearance but by the end of the movie, he’s like a Greek god!

Seriously, you just fall in love with how he loves Allie. So guys, take some notes.

Women love…

1.) Men who are willing to makes fools of themselves to show how much they want to be with you. Ah, the power of the public grand gesture. It reminds us just how brave and courageous you are, willing to take risks and possible/likely rejection. (Think of the Ferris wheel scene when Noah jumps on to introduce himself to Allie and ask for a date.)

2.) Men who are persistent. Unless she is completely turned off by the sight of you from the initial meeting, she will warm up to your persistence. You can tell if an initial “no” really means “keep trying” if she is unable to hide some form of a smile or smirk. It shows us that you are not easily discouraged, that you are willing to work hard for what you want, that you are ambitious, and most importantly, that you really want us.

3.) Men who only have eyes for one woman. I know guys usually face rejection and move on to the next girl with ease, and a lot of guys can like several girls simultaneously. Girls don’t want to believe this, hence the appeal of Noah, who only has eyes for Allie. I guess the least you can do is make us feel like we are it. Don’t flaunt your other pursuits. Think the opposite of the message in the song Mambo # 9. It shows us that you are loyal, and that you see something in us that is different from all the other girls.

4.) Men who keep their promises regardless of circumstances.
Noah said he would build the house with the blue shutters, the wrap around porch, and the painting room. He delivered. It shows us that you have integrity….which brings me to the next…

5.) Men who do the loving thing even when it hurts. Noah wrote Allie for a year without a response. Bravo. ’nuff said. This shows us that your hopes aren’t easily shattered, and even after it all, you are not bitter. Look at Noah’s last letter. Day 365:

My Dearest Allie, I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I’ll be seeing you. Noah

6.) Men who esteem themselves not because of worldly accomplishments but in the accomplishment of loving another deeply.

At the beginning of the movie, Noah says:

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

This shows us that loving others is your greatest priority. That kind of man is hard to find!

7.) Men who really listen. I mean, you can tell he really listened because he remembered her wishes. When she said what she wanted, he looked at her intently, as if he were making a note in his mind. Like Rick Warren says in The Purpose-driven Life, what we really want from people we love is “focused attention.” We want to look into your eyes, and see that all of you is really there, and there is no other place you would rather be. This shows us that we are up there on your mental priority list and that you value our thoughts.

8.) Men who would tell the truth, risk hurting our feelings, and fight with us rather than withdraw and brush issues under the rug to preserve peace. Like this scene:

Noah: Well, that’s what we do: we fight. You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a b**ch, and I tell you when you are a pain in the a**, which you are 99 percent of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2-second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-a** thing.
Allie: So what?
Noah: So it’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.

It shows us that you care enough about saving the authenticity of the relationship to speak out. It shows that you are not indifferent. It shows that you are a man and not a doormat.

9.) Men who are realists.
They believe that it will take work and that it will be hard. Love is work; it isn’t leisure. They don’t buy into an easy, pain-free “happily ever after.” It shows us that you are in it with earthly expectations and that you are not just in love with the high of being in love. It shows us that you are willing to work at love and that hard times will not make you hardened. And lastly…

10.) Men who want us till death do us part.
Forever isn’t scary; commitment isn’t scary. We want to believe that it is natural to want forever, to want commitment because it’s with us. A couple of years ago, I asked a guy I dated what was the number one quality he wanted in a girl. He replied, “forever.” (Sigh.) I guess “forever” is a universal wish of those who truly seek love.

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I love thinking about the intricacies of dating, love and life. I share my tiny lessons in the hope that it helps you as you navigate the dating world.

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  1. Cameron

    I thought this was an interesting article. Ironically, I wrote an article less than 6 hours ago that is identical, except that it’s the opposite. It’s what men want from women. You can check it out here:

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  4. hunter

    “The Notebook” is a movie out of Hollywood where life is sometimes portrayed how it should be. Given, that, over 65% of the population is/or in need of therapy sessions, the average man cannot afford to be constantly arguing and making up. Most likely, he grew up hearing his parents complain/argue at each other(this is why he sits in therapy sessions) and the last thing he wants to do is come home and argue with the woman he is in love with. Men are strong physically, but a woman can be super strong on the inside.

    Hurt your feelings? Are you sure you want a man/husband that hurts your feelings?..That may be fun for a little while…

  5. hunter

    There is a “notebook” type of man out there, it is just that, I think, in a much smaller pool of single men.

  6. Paul

    It’s a freaking movie people. Get out of your fantasy world and welcome yourselves back to reality. If you want that kind of love, become an actor/actress because you’re not going to find it in the real world. It’s scripted.

  7. MidoriLei

    Paul… I did find that kind of love. It may be scripted but someone wrote that script, someone who had to find inspiration somewhere from reality. Love isn’t perfect but neither were those two characters. They skipped their entire life together, all the hardships, but just the fact that they endured to the end is an inspiration.

  8. nichole

    What is your name ? I would like to use your information for an english paper I am writing but I need your name if I want to quote you.

  9. MidoriLei

    Hi Nichole, my full name is Midori Barizo. Good luck on your English paper!

  10. Seamore

    my name is seamore i’m 26, I know kind of a strange name. Well I watch the notebook and usually just poop in my micorowave meals the ones that come with dessert are my favorite ; ) and so I watch the note book at least two times a week in my prefab home off of eightynine a, you know right by the honey mans health just like take a left and stay on that road..i watch the notebook usually twice a week. So is that quote reasonable to use on someone you like. So theirs this girl who I watch come out of Sears at five once the sun is just starting to set and I think I will recite a quote from the movie when she is done with work, which one do you suggest using? Cause i usually watch the notebook twice a week.
    not to say that i’m ugly or anything but I tip the scales at like 279 but lukily i’m tall at around 5’7 and i let nature take its course I mean if i’m destined to have love handles dont you think i should embrace it and just enjoy ? My hobbies are eating beleive it or not and i’ve got good thumbs, thumb wars are my specialty, also I watch the notebook twice a week. I have always been interested in belly dancing.
    your number ten speaks to me
    well my ma just got home makin some meat log which has like.. 6 different meats in one. wish you could try it

  11. Seamore

    Hey its me again i just finished eating.
    write me back

  12. Seamore

    Hey are you there?

  13. nichole

    ok thanks.

  14. Seamore

    nicole !

  15. MidoriLei

    seamore… you wrote “poop in my micorowave meals!” hmmm, maybe you meant “pop?” sorry, that just made me laugh so hard! but what was your question???

  16. Seamore

    oh right, it’s not that funny midori i feel like an moron

  17. Seamore

    How come girls dont like me just because i am who i am.
    they say a fannie pack is gay and call me names like dumbo and frankfurter( which by the way is the most hurtful)

  18. Seamore

    jerry the subway guys my hero i actually met him

  19. Seamore

    hello its me seamore again
    you there
    i cant stop sweating out of my pits ! hah
    do you think a girl would ever find that attractive , kind of cause i mean its a manly quality plus i have a mole located inside my eye lid on the left eye.
    maybe there is someone who will like it you think?
    and i watch notebook usually twice a week.

  20. uhhh

    O_o yes i’m giving you the eye…again. This article was actually good 🙂 I am fully willing to give my all for a girl, even if it means hurting my pride. You hit on good points.

  21. MidoriLei

    Thanks uhhh:) That’s aweseome that you’re willing to hurt your pride for a girl. That’s also very RARE.

  22. Anonymous

    I commend the valuable information you provide in your entries. I�ll bookmark your site and have my friends check up here often. I am really certain they will learn lots of new stuff in your site than anywhere else!

  23. ..,

    Thats funny. Women want men to be realists but they herself don’t want to be- believing that romantic love lasts forever. Nothing lasts forever.

  24. MidoriLei

    why can’t romantic love last forever? I think it can if both parties work at it.

  25. Anonymous

    Nice movie, but i don’t think it’s applicable anymore cause we’re in 2010!

  26. Anonymous

    Thank you for another amazing article. Where else would anybody get that kind of info in such a easy to understand way of presentation.

  27. tommyray

    I agree with MidoriLei. Romantic love can last forever. After all, eternity has been placed in our hearts. I think that you can put this advice in these simple few words, “love her more than yourself”. This was a fantastic entry with advice that can lead a man to a succesful relationship.

    Please continue with these entries MidoriLei,

  28. MidoriLei

    hi Thomas, glad to see some optimistic men out there! that is great advice so much harder done than said. I’ll keep trying to write stuff like this.

  29. Ashley

    after seeing this, i want to find that movie. i can’t belive that i’ve never seen it before! and paul, stop being such a downer. i mean if people want to live in a fantasy world, [not that it is anyway] they should be able to without facing criticism from people like you. to me, honestly, people who want to hurt other people’s hopes and dreams in love, are the people who will have the hardest time finding it themselves.

  30. George

    Sounds like what women want is a gentleman. Check out a cool blog about British gentlemany manners here:

  31. Scratch

    @ anonymous: This is SO applicable to 2010. It’s all about LOVE. I feel like this about someone and behave accordingly. That’s great, but we are just friends, I love her because she saved me from a lifetime of depression (not how you probably think). She lets me adore her, and loves being adored, and she treats me well. The best model for this is she’s like a daughter to me, she’s the apple of my eye, even though she’s a couple of years older. And yes, I feel very well fulfilled as a person through loving S. so deeply.

    But after 25 years of shunning life, thanks to S. I now want to “live”, and of course, finding a nice “wife” would be the icing on the cake.

    My question to all you clever people is, what makes you LOVE a person enough to behave in this ideal fashion? My bacon has already been saved. What could the future Mrs Scratch offer me to make me love her like I love S.?

    Is it because we love life, and living, and we love the person with whom we can do this properly and joyfully? I am a numbskull, please enlighten me.

  32. Pinkfoot

    I like the notes of 10 Qualities Women Want In Men. I believe these men are exist BUT most of them have already engaged (= World is still realistic. Has the good and the bad. Not everyone can meet their Mr/Mrs Right. Im waiting for my turn. Wish I dont wait too long and just watching those happy couples. Intresting one!

  33. Aemilius

    I like just about every song on these. What is the matter with us? Kiss the Girl is a best, however. WE even had that certain on my ipod. Pertaining to, like, heavy lifting along at the gym. Really, that’s just what it was…

  34. Random Guy

    The Notebook is lameass movie. Fake and superficial. It’s emotional porn for dumb women. She’s a slut! Why does he love her so much? He seems to be obsessive in his desire for her. He’s one step away from doing an OJ Simpson. Why don’t he be a real man and give up on the girl when it seems it to be over? If the girl is an ADULT capable of thoughtfulness, she will recognize a good guy and meet him halfway in the PARTNERSHIP. Because a relationship is a decision on both parties. All this bullshit about the man constantly pursuing the girl, is for highschool level girls. Women who find this movie the best love story will set themselves up for a lifetime of disappointment. “When Harry met Sally” describes a way healthier relationship between a man and a woman. For even more adult level relationship “Before Sunrise” and “Before Sunset”.

  35. Random Guy

    After more thought on “The Notebook” I have another point to make regarding Noah’s “love”. He loved her in her old age even when she has Alzeimer’s. On the surface that seems real romantic and what a great guy, but it demonstrates that HE is a “loving” person and got nothing to do with Allie’s personality or character. Why? Well, with her disease, she is essentially “gone”. Her personality, her memories of their history, gone. She doesn’t even recognize him. She is essentially a shell of a person. So Noah is devoted to a shell because he is fixated on her out of duty or out of his loving nature, and she just happens to be the object of his fixation. Sort of like when a man “loves” his car. Spending all his time and energy and devotion to a shell of mechanical parts. And this demonstrates that the relationship is shallow Hollywood fluff. If Noah can be loving to a shell of a person, he could be loving to ANY other person. So their love isn’t really unique and special

  36. Scratch

    But Allie still has needs as a human being, even when she has Alzheimers, and because Noah loved Allie when she was “whole”, he still loves her and cares for her when her personality is disappearing. To my mind that’s not shallow love, it’s very deep love. He must have his reasons for feeling this way. I don’t know what they are. It must be more than just attraction. Maybe it’s true love. One of the most magical things a person, two people, can have. A pinnacle of human existence.

    I would still want to take care of the woman I love even if her normal personality disappeared, because she could still feel pain and discomfort, and conversely, joy. I would still love her. If she died, I would still love her. If she hated me I would still love her. The reason I love her so intensely is because I was the unhappiest person in the world, and she made it possible for me to be happy (…it worked). She loves me too, not in the same way, but that’s her free choice. I don’t demand equal returns.

  37. Random Guy

    I didn’t say the LOVE was shallow, I said the relationship was. Allie didn’t have to be there, therefore, it was all one sided. It showed what a perfect fantasy guy Noah was. He loved her at first sight, then never stopped loving her all the times they were apart and all the way to the end when she had been taken by the disease. That is why I called it emotional porn for women. Women who fall for this fantasy thinks that they don’t have to do anything at all in the relationship and get that perfect love. Dream on, it will lead to bitter disappointment in real life. Just like porn for guys, who think all women are hot and ready for sex without any kind of emotional interaction, pure fantasy that demeans both parties.
    Allie’s needs at the end of the movie were more physical than emotional, she was more like a pet than a person. I apologize to all Alzeimer’s patients and family, it is a terrible disease, but I am just analyzing the movie.
    As for your heroic love, Scratch, I applaud you. Having somebody to love intensely is wonderful, but to place all your happiness in a person is emotionally dangerous. All humans are flawed, so to worship another flawed being is to set yourself up for pain. You should seek happiness within yourself. Because life throws suffering at you. That’s reality. Even if your relationship is perfect, people grow old, get sick and die. People you love gets taken away. You need to protect yourself for that. And as a happier person within, you can love even more intensely without any neediness. Good luck.

  38. Scratch

    I think these 10 points constitute an ideal of love, which is perfectly possible, and really does exist, as in my case. But there has to be a good reason for it.

    I tend to agree with Random Guy about “The Notebook”.

    My love for S. isn’t driven by neediness, it’s driven by gratitude. It’s not heroic, it’s the natural reaction to what she did for me – saving my bacon, five years ago (… not in the obvious way which may spring to mind). She’s already done the job of making it possible for me to be happy. Therefore I no longer need her to do that. If I lost her I would be heartbroken, but I would still be a reasonably strong and happy person.

    Your advice that I should look for happiness within myself is good advice and it is time for me to follow it in earnest. Up until recently I haven’t really looked for it anywhere. Now I am beginning to look for a “normal” relationship, which is possible and desirable since my relationship with S. is not sexual. (We’re both happy that way.)

    I know that S. is flawed, like every other person, but I love her flaws and all. In truth I rarely have cause to complain as she’s such a Perfect Lady, and she knows the proper way to behave and treat someone.

  39. Anonymous

    I watched the notebook long time ago and loved it! It’s interesting to see this post and recognise qualities of a man while recalling the things he did. Looks like it’s a movie to recommend to other guy friends!

  40. Stu

    @Midori: Love the blog – been learning a lot from it and I really think you verbalize the female perspective well.
    I would counter the above listed ideals with advice you gave someone in ‘How to be a Better Boyfriend’:
    “On one hand your grand gestures of love are admirable. On the other hand, you cannot make this woman your world. It will only negatively impact both you, her and your relationship. She can be the one for you but she cannot be your only lifeline…. You need a life outside of her.”
    I think this is one of the things that frustrates me (and hopefully others) about relationships – on the one hand, ideal love is giving everything expecting nothing in return; on the other hand, to try to meet these ideals for many people means losing yourself and what’s important to you. You end up setting up a false idol in the other person when what you really want is to experience God’s love for you through another human being.
    Still, I recognize there’s a lot of truth to your advice in that women want a man who’s passionate and driven in service of the relationship, so I guess there’s plenty for us to work on even if we don’t understand the ideal.

  41. MidoriLei

    Thanks Stu,

    some insightful comments you made! It’s such a hard and fine balance to be able to give yourself completely to another without losing yourself in the process. It frustrates me too. Hopefully the person you choose to link your life with already has the same perspective on what’s important so you’re both already going in the same direction. I think the perspective shift from trying “to experience God’s love for you through another human being” to “being filled to the brim and overflowing with God’s love so another human being can experience God’s love through you…” would be the key shift in thinking…

    hope that makes sense. I think the only way we can pour ourselves into another person completely without feeling drained, needy, losing ourselves and expecting something else in return is use the relationship to give and not to seek, not to gain anything…

    instead, finding our needs met elsewhere: through a fulfilling life (meaningful work), a fulfilling relationship with God and a fulfilling relationship with friends (close social network). that way we see the relationship in terms of what we can give instead of gain.

    any thoughts?

  42. Wes

    Well said. I hadn’t thought of it that way. I’ll have to let that rattle around for a while….
    I haven’t seen this particular movie but I have seen more than my fair share of what are likely similar movies and I think what makes guys roll their eyes at the typical chick-flick male hero is that he gives and gives but you never see him going ‘back to the well’ to get filled up again. I look at it and think – that’s just not me, I couldn’t devote my entire life to trying to keep up with a woman’s need to feel desired! So I guess I am to come to two conclusions:
    1. I am not yet a complete person, not yet “overflowing with God’s love” and therefore incapable of experiencing this type of love – very possibly true
    2. I have not yet known a complete person who is also overflowing, having her own needs met elsewhere and therefore not needing to constantly feel pursued and desired – also very possibly true
    I’m thinking the relationships that really work hit the sweet spot where both people come together at a time in their lives where they are close to this point of completeness and can just enjoy what the other person adds to an already full and fulfilling life.
    Again, great site, thanks for all the advice!

  43. MidoriLei

    Oh Wes,

    I hope that one day you do decide to watch the movie! It is like no other. Seriously:) It’s hard to balance that desire to be whole and fulfilled before entering a relationship and also understanding that even before the fall of man, man felt that loneliness and emptiness. He felt incomplete, like there was something missing until eve came into the picture. or maybe it was just having another human being present besides himself? I don’t know.

    I don’t want you to hear the message: don’t go after love until you are complete. The message is: enter into relationships with the truth and understanding that this person cannot fulfill you. This person cannot be your Jesus, your saving grace. What this person can be is another flawed person who can make you feel less alone in this world. I think we need that kind of closeness and intimacy as humans. You can find it in friends, family, but many people find this in a significant other. It’s one significant way we heal each other from the wounds that life throws our way. To be able to share life together with another in an atmosphere of complete trust and transparency is what makes relationships so sweet.

    I must say it is difficult to keep up with a woman’s need to feel desired… but on the other hand, if you get a great girl, she will also understand your need to feel appreciated, needed, challenged, respected and admired. So it can definitely be a reciprocal meeting of needs. The man who is fed these things on a regular basis is a happy man who also succeeds outside the domain of home life. I truly believe this.

    I am not saying you are an incomplete person. I think a mindshift just needs to take place going into relationships with the mentality of wanting to be sacrificial and seeking fulfillment in God. It’s a daily battle I have to tell you! And seek not the woman who is “complete” because she doesn’t exist, and even if she did exist, she might be too independent and not make you feel needed. Seek the woman who is seeking her fulfillment outside of a relationship with a man.

    God bless! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

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  45. Scratch

    I think that the model where the man does most of the giving and adoring without requiring anything back, is only sufficient in certain very unusual situations such as mine, where the debt of gratitude is extreme and nearly all on my side (where I’ve already won the lottery), and we are not in an exclusive or sexual relationship. I love her so much because she saved me from being a damned soul (and I believe in an afterlife). It follows that this love is very strong, and permanent.

    In most serious relationships, I think that something more is required. Possibly, however, lessons can be drawn from The Notebook and my own, narrower model – such as the need for open-handed generosity of affection and tolerance towards the other person; doing your duty even when it hurts; always trying to find out what will make her happy; and reminding her often that you love her, and why, and why she is adorable and wonderful, in novel and interesting ways including writing letters.

  46. MidoriLei

    Scratch, wow, that woman really changed your life!

    I love this: “need for open-handed generosity of affection, doing your duty even when it hurts; always trying to find out what will make her happy; and reminding her often that you love her, and why, and why she is adorable and wonderful, in novel and interesting ways including writing letters.”

    Amen to that!

  47. Anonymous

    Never seen the movie but i’ve read the book before.. amazing how much things you can pick out from a movie =)

  48. Daniel

    I’ve read most of the comments praising Noah, but what about that poor girl he was with before Allie returned. It was obvious to everyone except the girl that noah was using her and in my opinion is not something a gentleman would do.

    If thats acceptable behavior in the eyes of women, then I am definitely on the right track with my current girlfriend. She’s not the one, may or may not know this, and as soon as i meet my true love, I will leave her just like Noah.

  49. MidoriLei

    Daniel, the difference between what you’re doing and what Noah did is that Noah made it clear that his heart was with Allie and that he had nothing to give her. She was a widow, even given this knowledge, she chose to stick around. When Allie came back into the picture, she invited the other woman in for pancakes, then later on, Noah said goodbye to the woman. Was the woman bitter? No. She knew all about Allie and leaving then she realized that she wanted a man to love her the way Allie was loved by Noah.

    Here’s a part of the conversation he had with martha shaw:

    Martha Shaw: Look, a woman knows when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else.
    Young Noah: Now you know that I want to give you all the things that you want, right? But I can’t, because they’re gone… They’re broken.

    The point is, he was honest. And Martha Shaw decided to stick around. What you are doing is wasting a woman’s time because you are leading her on and not being honest.

  50. saturn

    if a women makes up her mind that you are her target then every mistake you commit will be right for her, she will laugh even if you dont crack any jokes and she will search and find something good in you just to justify her interests in you, women are such a calculators they think 100 times before they say, they love you.
    best way to be chosen by females is to understand where their interests are grounded, which is usually in some benefits which you can give and its never on sex or your looks.

    bottomline is more money and power you gain more females will fall for you.. top list are utter waste of time.

  51. Matt

    Women need to understand that in order to find this kind of love, they need to give as much as they expect to get. Then they will find all that the seek and more.

  52. pepipox

    I believe what women “think” they want and what they really fall for its completely opposite. A guy who shows all the qualities mentioned here will be inevitably thrown into the friends zone, while the “bad boy”, who is 100% the opposite what is written here, will get the girl, get real.

  53. Man0Mystery

    As a 22 year old guy, I actually really liked the movie and I’m not insecure enough to worry that other men will call me gay or any less of a man for it. It has a great story and I feel it shows the man’s side of things a lot more than other romantic movies, so to me it’s not really that much of a chick flick. I really wish things were like in the movie, I do. But sadly in today’s world, it just doesn’t seem possible. First of all because of the feminist movement. All of the chivalry displayed by Noah was very thoughtful in his time and seen as a major sign of respect. Today, women either disregard chivalry, or flat out condemn it. Instead of a smile and a “thank you!”, us men are greeted with things like “I can get the door myself thank you very much”, “Um…I’ve got it”, or just no response at all. Opening a car door for a girl these days is considered weird and creepy. Pulling a chair out for a girl or pushing it in is considered overkill. Women, you have killed your prototypical Noah figure. You stuck a sword right into his heart. Every time I see a girl looking to the stars and asking herself, “Where is MY Noah?”, it makes me laugh. Can you imagine a man these days hanging on a ferris wheel to try and snag a date with a girl? This wouldn’t be seen as romantic, it would be seen as downright creepy and the guy might even end up being psychologically evaluated. These are the times we are living in. Girls now consider the chivalrous men creepy, and the nice men too easy to get or too boring for them. We go to bars, clubs, etc. and ask a girl to dance. She looks to her group of friends and they all laugh at you. “Um…I’m only dancing with my friends here…” she says. These are the times we are living in. A guy with the facial hair like Noah? The feminist culture today would label him as a caveman stuck in the stone age. Everything we see today is how to make guys pretty. Being a man’s man is not valued anymore by women today. It used to be like in the movie, but no longer. Believe me, I personally identify with Noah, I have lots in common with him, but this is not what women want in modern times. These days, we have hookup culture. There are no more little romantic dates where the guy is proper and the girl keeps her legs closed. Feminism has encouraged girls to jump in bed with men at first site, so men treat them like a piece of meat, and then they get offended. Ally is very classy in this movie. There aren’t many classy women left. This generation’s typical young twenty something woman is a big party girl getting wasted at bars, hooking up with random guys they don’t know, throwing up on the floor while screaming the lyrics to Ke$ha in everyone’s ear stumbling around. There are no Ally’s left, or at least I’ve never met one. I seriously wish I could jump in a time machine and go back to those easier days where things were less complicated, roles were defined, and women actually appreciated a man’s company and attention. Today we are but a unwanted annoyance. We are creepy. We are “pervs”. We are “pigs”. We are “cavemen”. We “don’t know how to express our feelings”. We are “too aggressive”. Women launched a war against men, they are currently winning with the establishment of a feminist country and way of life, and now the women have the audacity to complain that men aren’t like they used to be (like Noah). You did it to yourselves ladies, and I know I speak for the vast majority of men on this one. Noah’s cannot survive in a culture like this much in the same way a squirrel can’t survive under water.

  54. MidoriLei


    So true… I’m going to post your comment!

  55. MidoriLei

    in my next article that is:)

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  58. Scratch


    I have never ever been told off for showing consideration towards a woman in public. Women are at a slight physical disadvantage compared with men, and are vulnerable to men’s bad behaviour, and so I believe that men should show special politeness and consideration towards them, founded in the idea of physical safety and good intentions. In my experience, once or twice the women concerned have been a little frosty, on the grounds that I looked like a frigging weirdo, and they may have been legitimately frightened and annoyed with my clumsy approach. That seems appropriate. Otherwise I have had no response or a good response.

    Feminism said that women should take control of their sexual lives. I believe this is a good thing for women’s rights, since men usually try to exercise an unhealthy control over women’s sexuality, for their own ends exclusively – while dressing it up as moral propriety. As a man I have benefitted from the new atmosphere of sexual permissiveness and freedom. No, I don’t mean in that way (…!!!), I mean in the freedom to just be myself, and to find my own ways of having relationships after being seriously damaged (by repressiveness) in my younger days.

    I always find it a bit bogus when men blame feminism for a lack of success with women.

    Feminism has spent 50 years examining and exploring new ways for women to behave – and unfortunately it seems to have stopped with the achievement of equal rights … when it is plain that the whole job is only half-finished, because we don’t know how to live under the new rules. We are all now floundering without guidance. Well, we’ve been taught well, and we all have brains, so let’s use them.

    In all those 50 years, men have done almost no work at all on themselves – and women have left them far behind. Frankly, this pinpoints and shows up exactly one of the main problems with most men. They’re not men, they’re little boys. Spoilt, sulky little boys. At least in the field of gender politics. The traditional macho male cannot share power with, and cannot bear to be challenged or criticised by, a woman. His deficiencies cannot be pointed out, he must be worshipped, his precious ego must be protected at all times. Otherwise his wrath is terrible. A bully. Men have traditionally viewed women as empty-headed sex objects with no rights; not as real people. They tend to get upset when women are successful or have freedom.

    Many men, when faced with criticism from feminism: instead of looking to themselves and asking questions, and looking to women and asking questions, have preferred merely to bleat and whine that they are under attack, and to make a little industry out of blaming feminism for all that’s gone wrong with society and men’s lives. When the reality is that men make up 50% of the population, and should do 50% of the work of improving society for everybody. Which means growing up, and working on themselves, and being a little humble for a change, and remembering that if men need women, then equally, women need men – especially men who are doing a good job of being men.

    Men need to try harder to figure out for themselves what it means to be a “real man” in today’s world of equal rights for women. It would be useful to have some organized, public initiatives. Also, we need more good male role models in the media. In the UK, I can count them on one finger. Peter Andre.

    It seems unmanly for men to try and mould themselves into what they think women find attractive, and then to get cross when they apparently keep changing their minds. Women, too, seem a little unsure about what makes an ideal man, now that all the rules have changed (or disappeared). But they know him when they see him. Women would encounter ideal men a lot more often if men were to try harder. Then we would all have more data about what pleases women. Ironically, when women do try and say what their ideal man looks like, men tend to shoot them down in flames, shouting about gold-diggers, nice guys finish last, feminism, blah blah blah, the usual excuses for blaming women instead of themselves.

    It is a red herring to say that some women behave badly and don’t deserve a good man. Well, duh!!! It is not reasonable to expect all women to be perfect. If someone behaves badly, then deal with it appropriately. Don’t seize on it triumphantly as your big excuse. There are plenty of good women out there, of all different kinds – including feminists. Women are allowed to be complicated and mysterious. Sometimes a local culture can be screwed up. If so, maybe it’s time for a change of scene.

    Noah in The Notebook is an ideal man, a “real man” because he knows how to love. It takes strength and emotional maturity to be as steadfast and dauntless as he is, including through the times when he has no hope. Perhaps love has made him the way he is.

    Here is my recipe for an “ideal man”. I believe, start with these qualities and the rest will follow. At least three of my male friends possess them; and the women fall at their feet.

    The courage and ruthlessness of a knight, the manners of a prince, the morals of Judge Judy, and the gentleness, kindness and humility of Jesus. Also, self-control*

    This is not a tall order. It just requires some learning and re-adjustment of heads, on the part of men. Any little pansy, or hulking brute, can learn these qualities.

    Further reading: Sir Gawain and the Green Knight (recent translation); any of Raymond Chandler’s detective novels

  59. Bagder

    This is the best ever article in my romantic searchings. The tips are well relevant to reality on board. Am gona make a move in my unsuccessful attempts ever experienced. Thanks to all!

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  62. Pam Smith

    You have got to be kidding me?
    You think it’s okay that a guy write to a girl everyday for a year straight with NO response? That is what a guy is supposed to do? Are you really that self absorbed that you think you can live your life doing whatever and whomever you want and Mr Fantasy Land Notebook guy should beg for you everyday for a year?
    You have got to be kidding me!
    You Twilight/Notebook generation chicks need to step back into reality. There is no way you would be happy if a guy did exactly what is outlined above. You would say he is a stalker, a loser, obsessed, and unable to provide for all of your financial needs. Grow up girls!

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  68. Scratch

    But surely every woman wants to find ardent, unconditional, permanent love.

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  71. Scratch

    This is a great site. Thanks Midori.

    @ Pam Smith: The book/film was based on a true story, so presumably “Ally” was happy about getting a letter every day for a year. You wouldn’t be, but she was. I can see what you’re saying though – it does look a bit like a fairy tale, because in the fictional version, there appears to be no good reason for Noah to dedicate his life to Ally. It doesn’t ring true that he would do this after just laying eyes on her in the street. However I know from experience that those 10 points are spot on, and it need only take a moment to set the whole thing in motion. I believe that in real life there must have been a very good reason for Noah’s behaviour. I think the author has not experienced this kind of love, or else he would have known to include that all-important reason. I am guessing that Ally did something for Noah that he very badly needed and that no-one else had done. Somehow, she saved his bacon, and he loved her forever in gratitude. Sad and beautiful at the same time.

    Some women have a deeper need than most for real love. It looks like Ally loved being adored.

  72. MidoriLei

    Thanks Scratch,

    maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic and I do believe in soulmates, but I feel like Allie didn’t have to necessarily “do” anything for Noah to be hooked. I think that Noah felt something so strongly for Allie, not because of anything she did in particular, but because he was so drawn to her in a way that he’d never experienced before… and later on we find out he couldn’t experience again.

    I’m not saying that Allie was perfect, but Allie was the perfect match for Noah. This story of the Notebook is very personal to me because it is my story with Nate. We dated in highschool, my parents separated us. We didn’t see each other for 12 years. He dated others, and even dated a woman for TEN years. They never got married.

    He told me that he didn’t marry her because he was waiting to feel something. A gut feeling that it was the right person. But it never came.

    And when we started dating he realized pretty early on, THIS is the feeling he had been waiting for, the confirmation. He felt it in high school and he remembered it. And we got married.

    Again, this has nothing to do with me doing anything for Nate. It has everything to do with the fact that 12 years ago, Nate and I met and we were the right match. We just belong together, and that’s why it was easy for him to do everything and be everything that this list talks about. When it’s right, you will do whatever it takes to win your woman’s heart. And it won’t feel like work at all.

    I feel like to some people writing every day for a year is just too much work. But to Noah, it’s all he had, and it didn’t feel like a burden to him. It was love that was compelling him, so it wasn’t work at all.

    If she’s the ONE, guys, you will find yourself being everything on this list.

  73. Wes

    What a great movie, not from an entertainment standpoint at all but from a position of identifying something none of us understand about ourselves without trying to explain it away. I’m really enjoying the discussion – gives me some insight into why women would think it reasonable to search for a man with Noah’s dedication and then just accept it, seeing no responsibility for dedication to him in the same way. And if someone slightly better comes along, all the less her responsibility.
    Of course, none of us are capable of understanding this completely, even if we have experienced passionate love or even the more permanent form of long-lasting connection that seems to be so rare now. Personally I’ve taken a step back and begun to enjoy my ignorance of the topic. What comes to mind immediately is the Woody Allen quote “the heart wants what it wants” – come to think of it, I think he hit most of the above 10 ‘qualities’.
    Allie’s goal in life seems to be to test the limits of Noah’s love for her – to keep him at arm’s length and enjoy the warm feeling she gets seeing how far he’ll go for her. Pure narcissism if you ask me. But this doesn’t make what Noah is doing necessarily wrong – man is made to pursue; but what is Allie made to do?
    There’s no formula, and although you can identify what that type of passionate love looks like as done above you can’t ‘earn’ it by trying harder to be those things. It is beyond our understanding, as it says in Proverbs 30:
    “There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock,
    the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden.”
    It’s great to read about this but also reassuring to know that this type of love is a gift, not a reward.
    Thanks again, Midori.

  74. MidoriLei

    Thanks for your input Wes:)

    I LOVE that verse! I like that you’re not overthinking it as most men do, and as you know I do very regularly for the sake of this blog! I think accepting aspects of love as just plain mysterious and not trying to figure it all out but enjoy it is a great way to go about it, as long as this doesn’t hinder you from pursuing women, but instead pushes you to go for it.

    I’d have to disagree that I don’t think that Allie’s goal in life was to test the limits of Noah’s love for her. Several things were not in her control. She wanted Noah to communicate with her. Her mother kept the letters away. She anticipated the arrival of his letters and kept hopeful for some time as well. She also made the giant leap of faith by actually going to visit Noah after she hadn’t heard from him in years (not knowing about the letters of course) And in her old age, again, her getting alzheimers was out of her control. I thin she only tested his “like” for her at the beginning of their courtship when she wasn’t even sure she was into him. And because it was so early in the game, I don’t hold that against her as she didn’t know anything about him. They argued just as all couples do, but in the end she always defended him in front of her parents.

    Man is made to pursue… Allie is made to respond if she is interested:) and she did eventually give in!

  75. Scratch

    Hi Midori,

    that’s a lovely story. Now the “mystery” of Noah and Allie is cleared up. True love is a wonderful thing, and, it seems, comparatively rare, as are men like Noah and Nate (and me). I completely agree that it’s no work at all to make a loving gesture, whatever the effort involved. Rather, it’s a joy. The alternative, to do nothing instead, would be excruciatingly painful.

    Wes, I appreciate your open-minded questioning approach. What does Allie have to do? All she has to do is be Allie. That’s it. She is Noah’s elixir of life.

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  77. MidoriLei


    “She is Noah’s elixir of life.” That’s exactly it! You’re brilliant.

  78. Scratch

    Oh gosh! *glow*

  79. Scratch

    I love this picture: “Rambo flower” (copy and paste address:)

    I don’t know where it came from. I have re-hosted it.

  80. MidoriLei

    Scratch thanks for sharing! Lol!

  81. Charline Moine

    Excellent article and easy to understand explanation. How do I go about getting permission to post part of the article in my upcoming news letter? Giving proper credit to you the author and link to the site would not be a problem.

  82. Random Guy

    Wow! this discussion is still going strong. One thing…Noah’s name. Just like the Bible, Noah’s divine obsession was to build an Ark to rescue the animals. So could the house be the ark? And Allie the animal (helpless creature) that needs to be rescued? Does not seem very equal in the relationship, disrespectful to the character that is Allie. And Noah’s motivation was divinely inspired, not really in his control. Guess that is what love is.

    • MidoriLei

      Random guy… Wow what a metaphor! I think every girl wants to be “saved” in some way whether they want to admit it or not. Maybe Allie is more like Noah’s family who he saved and less like the animals? But I do agree with love being divinely inspired… That’s how men know when they want to marry a woman. It’s that sureness that comes from your gut.

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  84. Amanda

    This article is awesome!!!!! 5 out of 5 stars!!! Though I haven’t found or experienced the type of love Noah and Allie encountered, it would be wonder to have a love so strong. Just to know that someone is going to love you unconditionally and irrevocably through anything would make my heart melt. I pray for a guy like Noah and I’m patiently waiting. I won’t accept anything less. I didnt find Noah weird or anything. He was spontaneous and persistent. He told her the truth even when it hurt her feelings. He was loyal to her. (sighs and smiles). He treated her with the greatest respect. I also commend her mother for stepping up and telling Allie that she once had a guy similar to Noah. She didn’t love Allie’s father. She cared about him of course but her heart was burning because of the choice she made and she’s been unhappy every since. Watching that movie gave me hope and I am going to get my Noah.

    • MidoriLei

      Amanda, thank you:)

      You are wise for waiting! Don’t settle for anything less. I was single for five years (no dates or anything) before I met my “Noah.” and boy he was WORTH the wait!

      Be hopeful, he’s out there.

  85. just a guy

    hey what do you do if a girl thinks your perverted(on phone), but in real life your really shy, and you want to be a gentlement to her but not sure how.

  86. Chris

    Great article – made a lot of sense. EVERY woman has this listed as her favorite movie on I think the hard part for men that we really hate is that every woman is not like Allie who finally figures out what she has. A lot of women have deep issues and past wounding and can’t receive the kind of love they want & don’t recognize it when they do have it…..even years later. There are a number of men out there who do love with similar devotion and passion but end up being cheated on, divorced or abused. What we would love to find is a woman who has prepared herself and is emotionally ready to receive this kind of love. The weight is just on men to deliver this kind of love, which I realize is an issue, but also on women to be emotionally healthy enough at some point to receive it. Men are human too and fortunately in the movie Noah reaped the fruit of his love as he was moving on. Most guys aren’t that lucky in real life – which is a shame too.

  87. Alphan Njogu

    Well articulated. I loved the way you expounded on # 7, and it’s a reality that a woman wants to have a man who can listen. And listening can be far apart from hearing. She doesn’t need a man she’d keep shaking or screaming for attention. She rather wants to be close to a man who looks intently at her face during conversation, a man who nods his head even when he doesn’t agree with all she has to say, a man who doesn’t always interrupt with solutions but one who waits patiently and at least asserts “I get your point” at the end of an expression.

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  89. CougarLife

    I’m gone to convey my little brother, that he should also pay a visit this website on regular basis to take updated from newest news update.

  90. matt

    The notebook is possible its the kind of man I am but it takes the right girl to brin

    g out the right guy!

    • MidoriLei


      that is soooo true! When it’s the right girl, you’re willing to be that kind of man Noah was. Anyone else, it just seems like a lot of work.

  91. Ben

    have you ever gone to the club or hit the bar and see women throw themselves at some playboy who’s there just for pussies? sometimes more than one at the same night? if you’ve seen that then you will understand as a men that the reality is different than what you wrote here. However, deep down i still do want to belief in this fairy tale, it’s just that the reality is knock me out of this fantasy more than once.

  92. bilew


  93. Scratch

    On the subject of role models for men in the UK, I’d like to speak up for Russell Brand. He may be completely disreputable, a “good-looking outsider who plays by his own rules”, but more than most men, he genuinely loves women, and from what I know, is a perfect gentleman to every single female he meets.

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  95. Jamie

    Intriguing article. I’m gearing up to get back out into the dating world so this is a very handy article to come across.

  96. Sarah Kelly

    Really good article! Thank you @datingadvicefromagirl

  97. Lola Humphrey

    Great post. I learnt a stack of really good things from this. Keep up the good work

  98. Jim Nema

    Thank you for these excellent tips!

  99. Xjona

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