I realized that I may have not ever mentioned this. I give dating advice as you all know, but what is this all for? Let me share with you how I found out the point of all this.

I had my first boyfriend at the tender age of 13, when my parents (bless their heart) shipped me off to the Philippines for a year so I could learn my culture, language and appreciate the luxuries and blessings of living in America. Well, little did they know that their innocent little 13 year old would meet a 16 year old boy who would be the first boy she ever kissed, the first boy who would ever break her heart, the first boy who would make her cry in a huddle with her two bestfriends because he had chosen to break up with her in public with all his friends watching.

It was quite traumatic being that young and being introduced to a world where boys could in one moment create an exhilarating heart-pumping, I-can’t-believe-he-notices me high and the next moment bring you crashing down to the extreme polar opposite low where you are scampering on the ground helplessly picking up broken pieces of your heart.

And this is the world that I was introduced to, by the boy we nicknamed “The tantalizer-” his gaze was just that- tantalizing. piercing your heart with just a glance.

I came back to the states a different person, afraid of the power that boys could have over me.

And then I met Nathan.

His eyes were a deep blue, so different from the piercing eyes of the boy who broke my heart. His eyes were kind, soothing like the sea. His presence was calming, steady, and predictable like the ocean’s waves crashing on the shore. He never knew my heart had just been traumatized. I didn’t want to get hurt ever again. All I wanted to do was have fun.

So one day, we sat down and he asked me, “Do you know what the point of dating is?”

Without hesitation I answered, “Yeah, to have fun!”

He smiled and added, “Yes, that’s part of it, but it’s to find the person you were meant to marry.”

And he was right. And he is right. And 13 years later, after 12 years of separation, 4 months of phone conversations into the wee morning hours, and 13 months of dating but living in different cities…

we will finally. finally. finally get to the point of all this…

July 31, 2010- 14 years after we started dating… we will get married.

And THAT is the point of dating. To find the one you want to become one with.

Just in case we start thinking that having fun with the opposite sex is the point…

There’s something much greater in store. Something that God uses specifically to mold men and women into better versions of themselves.

Marriage has such a bad rap in our media.

Yet it is so beautiful.

For men who have to constantly be strong and hard, resilient and capable in the world, a wife is an oasis of constant affection; she is a place of rest where you can finally take off your armor and just be comforted by her tenderness and love.

For women who never feel like they are desirable enough or good enough, or beautiful enough, or smart enough, a husband is an endless source of encouragement, he is a place of refuge, a reminder that you can stop striving. That you already are everything he desires.

And for both husband and wife, marriage is a safe haven where you have the freedom to be naked and known, fearless and shameless. A place to verbalize and try all your sexual fantasies because you have a lifetime to explore your sexuality.

Marriage is a sacred place where you can truly discover and appreciate pleasure because sex will always be readily available and accessible.

So to end with….and to prepare us for this great gift of marriage…

Here are two of the BEST sermons on what our roles are in marriage:

For the women:

For the men:

(note to my future husband: baby I can’t wait to let the whole world know that I belong to you! Thank you for choosing me.)

Thoughts on navigating through the casual dating world…

picture by ugaldew

I used to think it was weird to date more than one person at a time, since I’ve only experienced serial monogamy.

After reading the awesome book, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, I actually think it’s not such a bad idea, if you’re honest and clear about what’s going on and don’t lead people on.

Now I realize that for some people, non-exclusive dating, or dating several people can be a great way to date.

It’s a great way to get to know a lot of different people to learn more about the opposite sex, yourself, and basically enrich your life by engaging in regular one-on-one interactions with the opposite sex.

Here’s how to do it without creating drama:

1. Make it clear to everyone you’re dating that you’re not looking for a serious/exclusive relationship at this time. You’re out dating to get to know people…

You want to do this without leading people on. And the way to do that is to be clear about your intent.

2. This piece of advice was from my coworker Ken, who knows from experience how casual dating works: Don’t hang out with them more than once a week, twice MAX.

The reason for this is because people naturally make this association:

time devoted= level of commitment

Even if you don’t verbalize commitment, someone could still get hurt because they will see that you’re spending a lot of time with them. They might come to the conclusion that you are only seeing them. Of course no one should ever make that conclusion without the other party actually saying something about wanting to be exclusive, but people’s natural tendency is to think, “We have something special here,” aka, he/she couldn’t possibly have this same kind of interaction with someone else!

3. Other than mentioning that you are dating casually/non-exclusively to get to know a lot of people, DON’T mention your other dates!

They really don’t need to know any details about any of the other people you are seeing. Make sure they are your focus when you are with them. It’s just good practice, common courtesy, and respect for their feelings.

4. As soon as you realize that someone is no longer a candidate you would consider pursuing an exclusive relationship with after getting to know them better, STOP DATING THEM.

Don’t lead them on. Let them be free to explore their other options. Maybe you’re not that into her. You don’t know what she’s going through. What you do know is that she still wants to see you, so you can guage from that, that there is still a romantic interest. Let her go.

It’s only fair. If you know you would no longer desire to possibly see them exclusively in the future, let them go. If you are a guy, just stop asking the girl out. If you’re a woman, when he asks you out again, just say, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to pursue this any further. You are a great person, and there is a great person out there for you, but I don’t see this moving forward.”

If they ask, “Why?” you don’t have to answer that question. All you have to say is, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to get into it. Good luck though.”

Band aid approach. WAY better than stringing someone along and then dropping them when they’ve already fallen hard for you.