Oh Gosh. I wish I didn’t have a “type.” You know, I really blame it on my sixth grade crush, Nicholas Dragoo. Caucasian brunette boy with kind eyes. If you ever read this Nicholas, I just want to say, you screwed me over for life! Nah, I’m just kidding. Don’t worry, I also blame it on the media.
The media perpetuates my “type.” One day this thought came to my mind. I looked at the majority of romantic comedies, superhero movies or tv shows out there and discovered that the leading men who are attached to a love interest were usually Caucasian brunettes! To make my point, I’ve made a list of many popular movies and tv shows that have a leading man who just happens to be a Caucasian brunette.
TV Shows (also the ones I grew up watching)
My So Called Life: Jordan Catalano
Heros:Peter Petrelli
Gilmore Girls: Jess Mariano
American Dreams: Scout Calhoun and Hamilton Fleming
Roswell: Michael Guerin
Highschool Musical: Troy Bolton
Dawson’s Creek: Pacey Witter(he gets the girl)
Gossip Girl: Nate Archebald
Laguna Beach: Stephen Colletti
Private Practice: Pete Wilder
Quarterlife: Jed
Desperate Housewives: Tom Scavo, Mike Delfino
Veronica Mars:Stosh ‘Piz’ Piznarski
Men in Trees: Jack Slaterry
Beverly Hills 90210 (90’s): Brandon Walsh, David Silver, Dylan McKay
Beverly Hills 90210 (2008): Ethan Ward
What I like About You: Vince
Party of Five: Bailey Salinger, Charlie Salinger, Griffin Holbrook
Home Improvement: Randy Taylor
Friends: Chandler Bing and Joey Tribiani
Boy Meets World: Shawn Hunter
The Bachelor: Have you noticed almost all of the Bachelors chosen are Caucasian men with light brown hair????
7th Heaven: Matt Camden
What about Brian: Brian Davis, Adam Hillman
Two guys a girl and a pizza place: Berg, JOhnny Donnelly
Samantha who: Todd
Las Vegas: Danny Mccoy
October Road: Eddie Latteka, Nick Garrett
Movies (also the ones I grew up watching)
Flipper
Fantastic Four
She’s All That
Boys and Girls
Summer Catch
Head over Heals
Down to You
Ten Things I Hate About You
What a Girl Wants
Nanny Diaries
Cellular
She’s the Man
Catch and Release
Because I Said So
Just Friends
Good Will Hunting
Catch Me if You Can
Coyote Ugly
Thirteen Going on Thirty
Ella Enchanted
Bride and Prejudice
Perfect Opposites
Penelope
Becoming Jane
Twilight
The Man in the Moon
Titanic
The Beach
Mighty Ducks
North
Win a Date with Todd Hamilton
The Notebook
Spiderman
Batman
Annapolis
A Walk to Remember
Whatever it Takes
Tristan and Isolde
Notting Hill
Music and Lyrics
Bridget Jones
Pride and Prejudice
Love Actually
Two Weeks Notice
Sense and Sensibility
Romeo and Juliet
The Object of My Affection
Clueless
Just My Luck
How to Deal
Mean Girls
Jane Austen Book Club
Atonement
Life as a House
Star Wars
Sydney White
These lists are not exhaustive. Here are just some of your leading men ladies. It’s a conspiracy I tell you!LOL
I don’t know why the western world has an obsession with Caucasian men with brown hair. Don’t think my theory holds up? I’m telling you, if you have this “type” it’s because you’ve been conditioned by the media. You weren’t born with this “type.” Well, one more case in point. Take a look at Jesus Christ. Yup. Always portrayed as a Caucasian man with brown hair and kind eyes. In reality, from what we know of Jesus Christ historically and the region he came from, he probably looked more like Osama Bin Laden than the long haired brunette Tarzan in a robe that we make him out to be in the western world.
This Guy, Jim Caviezel, named in 2004 by People Magazine as one of the most beautiful people in the world, played Jesus Christ in The Passion of the Christ. He couldn’t have looked like this guy. (Isaiah 53:2… He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.)
Now back to Nicholas Dragoo, my first “real boy in the flesh” crush ever. (Because I don’t count my whole Jonathan Brandis Bop and Big Bopper pinup stage. How embarrassing. Jonathan B. RIP)
Anyway, I was in sixth grade and he “went out” with my best friend, Erica Blackburn. (I had a crush on my best friend’s guy! Don’t worry, I didn’t bust out with any moves) Basically I just admired their “relationship” from a distance. He wasn’t just cute. He was super sweet to Erica. Who knew 6th graders could be so sweet? It was the perfect case of puppy love, and I had to watch it on the sidelines:
I remember during recess one time, he colored a dinosaur for her from a coloring book, cut it out in the shape of a heart and gave it to her. He wanted to give her a ring too, so they could pretend like they were married, but because he didn’t have a ring (being a poor, jobless 6th grader and all) he got out one of his lifesaver candies, and get this, he sucked on it until the hole was big enough to fit her little ring finger. Then he put it on her finger really carefully because it was so tiny and fragile by the time he was done with it. Sticky. Yes. Gross. For sure. But, OH. SO. frickin’. sweet. (not to mention creative)
I think that’s when I realized “real boys in the flesh” didn’t have cooties. And that marked the beginning of my “type.” Caucasian Boys with brown hair and kind eyes. Kind eyes, you know, the kind of eyes that don’t look mean, don’t look like they get angry easily. Guys with kind eyes, smile, with their eyes.
My point isn’t to say you shouldn’t like Caucasian men with brown hair, my point is that we should understand that when we have a “type” it’s because we’ve been conditioned by experience. There’s nothing natural or genetic that makes you drawn to your “type.” Your personal experiences have influenced your type. It has nothing to do with who we have the potential to be attracted to. I bet if black men, Hispanic men, Native American men, Asian men, Indian men, or Red Headed/Blond Caucasian men dominated the cinema, my type might be different.
Having a “type” limits you. The good news is that your “type” is a product of being conditioned, and that means you can recondition yourself to look beyond the kind of men you typically date. A “type” might not just be about your preferences in race, or physical attributes, it can also be your preference for a specific kind of man–Maybe you typically only go for business types, or athletic types, or nerdy types of men. Maybe you have a preference for outgoing men, shy men, doctors, musicians, bad boys, or funny guys. My point is, you can be attracted to all sorts of men and shouldn’t limit yourself to just noticing your “type.”
Not suprisingly, the guy who I fell hard for, the only guy who I can honestly say I loved, even in hindsight, wasn’t my “type” at all! He had black hair and was a Filipino Scottish Canadian.
Regardless of your “type,” you should give every guy a chance. Don’t dismiss him at first glace or first conversation. Of course I’m more of a fan of mutual instant attraction (AKA love at first sight) but it’s nice to know that attraction can grow even if there isn’t something initially.
I made this list last year around New Year’s! Enjoy;)
(Note: Because I’m a Christian, it would make sense that some of the best advice I’ve been given has origins from the bible, other Christians or Christian books. FYI: This article is full of biblical references. Apologies to those unfamiliar with the context.)
1. A word on boys from my Mamagrand: If you run they will follow, if you follow they will run. Basically, women, don’t chase a man, let him chase you. The surest way to get your heart broken is to initiate a relationship. Give him time to notice you. Do you think Adam would have appreciated Eve if he hadn’t first named all the animals and noticed that he was missing a helper? Allowing him to lead the relationship is training ground for him to play his role as a leader, and it is training ground for you to learn how to submit. (He initiates, you respond)
How to act: (women)
If you are not interested: distant
If you are interested but he hasn’t made a clear move: warm but distant
If you are interested and he has made a clear move:
Warm and appreciative
How to act: (men)
If you are not interested: warm but distant
If you are interested: warm and attentive
2. My daddy: (three things to look for in a guy) Find someone who isn’t from a broken home, who doesn’t have mental illnesses that run in his family, and who’s good to his mamma. (advice given somewhat sarcastically)
Remember also that subconsciously you tend to look for a man who has characteristics like your dad or a woman who has characteristics like your mom, so be proactive about what traits you don’t want to bring into your marriage.
3. Never date a man who is proud that he doesn’t read. He’s telling the world, “I know it all,” or, “I’m lazy,” or “Learning is not a priority.” A woman can never change a man. Change has to be self-propelled; when you date a reader, you date someone who is open to change. The man who’s proud he doesn’t read will also be the man who refuses to get counseling when your marriage is on the rocks.
4. Be wary of men who don’t have close male friends. This means he only has girl friends (do you want him dishing out your problems to other females?) or he has no friends (In the end you want to marry someone who is like your best friend, and if he doesn’t have friends, there’s a reason).
5. Remember this about men: All men universally want three things:
To find a beauty to save (he wants to feel needed)
To play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure (he wants to have a purpose beyond himself)
To be a hero (he wants to be respected)
(Wild at Heart by John Eldridge)
6. Remember this about women: All women universally want three things:
To be beautiful (she wants to be desired)
To play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure (she wants to have a purpose beyond herself)
To be romanced (she wants to be loved)
(Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge)
7. Be wary of a man who has a history of dating dumb women. When a man accepts a woman who has looks but no brain, what he wants is a pretty doormat. (from my friend John)
8. When you like a guy, tell only your girlfriends that don’t know him, preferably those in a different state. (until you and him are official)Trust me on this one.
9. Date a person who has a full life without you, not men/women who “cannot not be in a relationship.” Remember in the end, TWO shall become ONE. That means 1+1= 1, not ½ + ½ =1 (mathematically that doesn’t make sense but relationally two people need to be whole [fulfilled on their own] before they link their lives with each other)
10. Give people freedom.If you love someone let him go. If he comes back, he’s yours. If not, he never was.
11.Women, wear a scent that has vanilla extract. Allan: “Men are naturally drawn to vanilla.”
Men and women: If you want to be remembered, have a signature scent.That way when they smell the signature scent, they will associate it with memories with you. This doesn’t work if you wear multiple scents.
12. Look for someone who loves to laugh. What’s a good marriage? If after 25 years together, they frequently laugh together; that’s a sure sign. I’m happiest around my parents when I hear them laughing together about an inside joke. They prove that couples can be serious about their commitment to each other, but not take each other or life too seriously.
13. Good catches: A geek who can play sports. A musician with a job. A “bad boy” in love with Jesus.
14. Don’t give it up before marriage.Men have basic needs. God made it this way: To satisfy hunger, he eats. To satisfy thirst, he drinks. To satisfy the sex drive, he gets married. Do not deviate from this plan.
I met him, I liked him
I liked him, I loved him
I loved him, I let him
I let him, I lost him.
Dee: Men give love for sex, women give sex for love. (When you give sex prematurely, you give him less reason to extend the love)
15. Don’t rely on just your looks to get a good catch. Marshall brain: “ …only a tiny population is startlingly attractive. The rest of us have other gifts. Live with it.” Plus, looks fade anyway, so make sure you have more to offer so that when that fades, his/her attraction to you doesn’t fade with it.
16. The worst thing you can tell a man (through your words or your actions) is that he is weak or unrespectable.
17. The worst thing you can tell a woman (through your words or your actions) is that she is ugly or undesirable.
18. Make close friends with people of your own gender. Why? For guys, everyone needs a wingman. For women, unless you marry them, most likely you will be replaced by a girlfriend or a wife. Half the fun of going through a relationship is sharing the details with your girlfriends anyway! Don’t kid yourself into believing that your close relationship is purely platonic. Through the duration of a close male/female friendship, there is always a point when the relationship moves beyond platonic in the eyes of one or both parties.
19. Don’t judge someone by their appearance. (But there should be a spark since you don’t want your wifey/husband duties to be a chore!) Look at their heart.
If God is love, then true love happens when you find God in the heart of another.
20. Refuse to initiate relationships with men: Consider Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord,” or Proverbs 31:10 “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.”
A reminder of who’s the treasure and who’s the finder.
Role check = Reality check.
21. Women, (looking to settle down) never accept a man without a stable job. A man’s primary roles are to protect and to provide. Men, never accept a woman who refuses to let you lead.A woman’s primary roles are to submit and to help.
22. Never tell a man/woman that God told you you two were meant for each other.Don’t use the “thus saith the Lord” tactic. It’s tacky. If he told you, don’t you think he’ll tell him/her too?
23. Treat your body with respect.God will hold you accountable for the things done in the body. Our bodies are never our own. Paul:
If you are single, your body belongs to God (1 Cor 6:19-20)
If you are married, your body belongs to your spouse. (1 Cor 7:4)
Act accordingly.
24. Be different. Coco Chanel: To be indispensable, one must always be different. And remember, by being your authentic self, you are automatically different!
25. The best way to find the person God has for you is to ask him to be your matchmaker.Just surrender this area of your life to him. Ask him to
1. Choose your spouse
2. Make it clear to you
3. Make it clear to him/her
And if he/she hasn’t come along, He’s still preparing him/her for you, and God is still teaching you how to love someone; remember, being PATIENT is the first element of love. (1 Cor 13)
Don’t have time to read it? Take the 30 Second Quiz with her: Here
When she takes the quiz, you’ll find out her top love language. If you read the book, you’ll also find out where the others rank. For example, my top love language is Affirmation, followed Affection, Acts of Service, and Quality Time. Gifts rank last for me:
1. Affirmation
2. Affection
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Gifts
Having this knowledge is a really power tool. See, if I dated a guy who just kept on bringing gifts but never complimented me or verbalized his appreciation, he’d be spending money unnecessarily and I still wouldn’t feel satisfied in the relationship. I’d take adoring words over jewelry. But every person is different! There’s a place for all these love languages, it’s just a matter of figuring out which ones your significant other appreciates the most so you can put more energy into delivering those.
Here are some specific ways you can speak these five love languages: (Most of these are from my former boyfriends! So I know for a fact they will be appreciated!)
Acts of Service:
When you’re walking on the side of the road with her, be a gentleman and move over to the dangerous side of the road so she feels protected. Offer to carry her backpack.
Buy her lunch and bring it to her work, even if (especially if) it’s out of your way.
Help her with a project she has from school or work without having to be asked. Just say, “I want to help. What can I do?”
Gifts:
Surprise her with flowers at her work on a random, insignificant anniversary! My ex chose 2 months! Extra points because he got roses that were yellow with red tips. (knowing I wasn’t too hot on the red ones)
Write her a love note. Written by hand.
Buy her favorite candy and hide it somewhere where she’ll be sure to find it later.
Make her a cd of songs and tell her “I think of you whenever I hear these songs. Now you can think of me thinking of you when you hear them.” If you can sing, make the last track of you singing a song you wrote for her. If you can’t sing, talk to her on the last track and tell her what you love about her.
Affirmation:
Tell her, “You had me at hello.” (If it’s really true)
Whatever you’re thinking in your head, whenever you notice something about her that is wonderful, beautiful, admirable, adorable, sexy, cute (anything positive) or that makes you happy and grateful…. just say it out loud.
You can’t assume just because you think it, we know it. Appreciation is worthless unless it’s verbalized. All our effort to look beautiful and to be amazing is to get your attention. So if you notice, say something!
Tell her, “I love the way your mind works.” (if you really think that way)
Affection:
Surprise her by hugging her from behind and kissing her cheek whenever she’s not looking.
Spontaneously grab her hand in public, bring it to your face, and kiss it while you look into her eyes.
Let her lay on your lap when you’re watching a movie and play with her hair. (EVERY girl LOVES this!!!!)
When you’re in public, whisper in her ear. Believe me, this is affection. The proximity of your mouth to our ears and the heat of your breath…. It’ll make us wish we weren’t in public!
Don’t limit your kisses to our lips. Kiss us on the forehead, on the nose, on our cheeks.
Put on some music, turn down the lights in the living room, and lead us in a slow dance. (We will melt in your arms!)
Quality Time:
Once in a while, when your friends want you to play basketball, tell her you’d rather spend time with her.
Remember you don’t have to be doing anything to enjoy each other’s company. Girls just like to be heard. They like to talk. They like to share their thoughts and feelings. Men don’t feel this way as often or as much.
It isn’t quality time if the tv is on. It isn’t quality time unless she has your undivided attention.
Sit on the hammock together.
Watch the sunrise.
Stay up a little longer in bed and just talk.
You may not have this great of a need to talk or be heard. Part of loving her is acknowledging this need and providing it for her even if you don’t understand it or need it in return.
I guarantee if you find out her love language and start putting these things into practice, she will be happier! And for those of you who are married, you know the saying, Happy wife, happy life!
I guess this post applies to anyone, but I particularly wanted to address my single readers. Some of the time, we can get so caught up in the “hunt” for Mr. or Mrs. Right or even just our next love interest, that we forget (I know I do!) that this “season of singleness,” as some people have dubbed it, has an actual purpose besides just waiting.
When you get into a relationship, that significant other does tend to take up a significant amount of your time and energies, not to mention brain space! Then if you add family to that equation and start popping out the little adorable munchkins, consider ‘free’ time a luxury. This is all good and well. My point isn’t to bash couple-dom or family. I just want those who are single to take advantage of the free time at your disposal!
Let’s learn some skills now that will benefit us in the future when free time is a thing of the past and we have to meet the demands of a family and a spouse.
Here are some great things to learn before you have a family. Some are pretty obvious, but still worth mentioning. I’d love other ideas! Feel free to comment:)
Cooking meals:
I’ve always had this kinda ‘Stepford Wives, Bree Van de Camp” fantasy that my kids think my cooking is so stellar, they actually whine when we announce we’re going out to eat. Like,
Mom, do we have to eat out? Can’t we have your Sausage Putanesca or spinach quiche? I can prepare the Phylo dough for Baklava for dessert and make greek salad! I know you love Kalamata olives and artichoke hearts! Or what about the goat cheese souffle? We haven’t had that in ages!
Okay, so maybe this is just my weird fantasy….but I really think that everyone should learn how to cook at least some basic dishes. Let’s face it. We don’t really know what people put in our food when we go out to eat. The restaurant industry’s goal is making a profit, not making a healthy, sanitary, balanced meal.
And there’s just something about home cooked meals made with love and effort, eaten at home, and around a dinner table with just your loved ones and not a bunch of strangers in a packed restaurant. Have you ever heard a bachelor complain that he hasn’t had a “home-cooked meal” in ages? He eats out every night and you’d think he loves it. But, eating out gets old. There’s just something about having a meal that’s been cooked for a limited number of people by someone who loves you. And another thing that’s wonderful about learning how to cook is being able to share the cooking tradition with your children, passing down a recipe or sharing a secret recipe at a holiday get-together. There’s also nothing like coming home after a long day and entering a home that has the familiar smell of your favorite pot roast just waiting to be eaten, or waking up on a Sunday morning and filling your home with the aroma of fresh bread or cookies. It’s just special.
Turning leftovers into another meal:
In the same genre, but wow, people who can do this well are kitchen magicians. My Mamagrand (grandmother) is an example. One night we’re having Mongo soup. The next afternoon we’re having Mongo patties. The best part is when we don’t even realize we’re eating leftovers. It’s a miracle!
I had to learn how to do this when I worked as a cook for a Natural Health Clinic.I don’t think I’m that great at it, but I had to manage. I made lunches every day and didn’t want to waste leftovers.
One day we’d have black beans and rice. The next day we’d have black bean wraps. If we had leftover plain spaghetti from one meal, we’d have chicken Lo mein the next. If we had leftover avocado from a salad, we’d have guacamole and chips. I remember we had a party and had so many hors d’oeuvres of square cheese and chips left. I decided we’d have chicken nachos the next day. Thanksgiving turkey became turkey tacos for lunch. Seriously, most things can be turned into a sandwich, a taco or burrito, a wrap, or a fried patty.
Leftover steak for dinner? Chop it up in thin strips, saute it with bell peppers and mushrooms. Grill some onions. Toast some french bread. Top it off with provolone cheese and you got a philly cheese steak for lunch. Tada!
It becomes kind of fun actually. Like a game. It’s you versus the leftover dish. Who’s going to win? The leftover wins if it’s eaten the same and not appreciated or gets thown in the trash. You win if you manage to create a new dish! Here’s a leftover website tool you can even use! Leftover Chef
Cutting hair:
(I’m speaking to women here, but of course men can learn this skill too!)If you learn to cut hair and you cut your husband and kid’s hair, you will save A LOT of money. Before I started cutting my mom’s hair and my little brother’s hair, they would get their hair cut at an average of once every month at about 10$ a haircut.
Let’s say you have two boys and a husband. You’d save around $360 a year if you cut their hair.
Not counting your husband, if you paid for your sons’ haircuts until they were 18 years old, you’d save $4320!
This is all without considering the gas and time also involved. You can learn how to cut men’s hair. It’s pretty easy. I actually learned it through trial and error! (My poor brothers!) I recommend youtubing it or looking at a manual instead:)
Massaging:
Besides God of course, and the principle that families who pray together stay together, I would say the number one reason why I’m close to my family is because of physical affection. I don’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t know how to massage because I grew up with parents who massaged my brothers and I from birth.
We’d get massages to help us fall asleep.
We’d get massages when we woke up. (those are the best!)
We’d get massages when we were injured or fatigued from sports or work.
We’d get massages when we were sick in bed.
We’d get massages when we had headaches.
We’d even get hand massages during church.
I remember several times when my mom actually massaged me until I fell asleep. I remember when I was a waitress as a teenager, she’d wait up after my closing shift and massage my tired legs after my long day.(and hers) Even now, when one of us wants a favor done on the computer–looking up an airline fare or googling some information, the person who’s doing the favor will automatically say, “sure, massage,” and the recipient will gladly oblige to trade a quick backrub for some useful information!
Now, before you think we were the only ones benefiting, let’s just say that my parents are very clever, wise folks. The gift of massage that they gave us was a gift to themselves as well! Now my mom gets a massage from me three or four times a week. Basically, you can teach your kids massage so they know how to massage you in the future! It’s a give and take. Win-win. When I need it, there’s always someone in my house who knows how to give it. When someone else needs it, they know they can rely on at least one person being available to provide it. Let me just tell you.
We are a family addicted to massage.
We’ll take it over any pain medications.
Any drug.
Any other stress management technique.
And it’s proven that touch is healing. It’s beneficial to the giver and the person receiving it. Learning how to massage and teaching your family members is one of the best things you can do for them because I believe touch encourages openness, vulnerability, communication and authenticity.
We’ve never been the kind of family who has elephants in the room, and I think it’s directly related to the fact that we so freely exchange physical affection. My mom will hug me in the hallway for more than a couple of seconds. She always says, “Where’s my 5 minute hug?” Massage is healing. Hugs are healing. My mom’s massaging hands are her legacy, one of the best, if not the best gift she’s given me. You can leave that legacy for your kids and start learning now!
Reflexology:
On the same note, if you’re a believer in natural, holistic health, you may have heard about Reflexology. In short, it’s a foot massage, hand massage or ear massage that helps the entire body. There are points on the feet that correlate to organs and parts of the body. I known it sounds like a lot of quackery to some people, but I just know from experience that it works.
Reflexology can help a painful lower back when your lower back is to sore to receive direct massage.
Pressure points on the ear can calm a hyper child or a crying baby.
Reflexology can help alleviate pms symptoms, headaches, and digestive problems.
It can even give you energy when you hit your afternoon slump.
I encourage you to try it out. You can find a certified Refloxologist in your area or look at charts online. Forget about science as proof. Let experience be the proof. It works!
Home Remedies like Cupping and Ear candling:
Again this has to do with holistic health. These practices aren’t known by the general public. Some of them are controversial, but I encourage you to do some research and come up with your own conclusions. A friend of mine just sent me a controversial article about the risks of Ear Candling so I won’t advocate that right now. I will advocate Cupping. It’s weird. It looks scary. But it works! I learned how to do this at the Natural Health Clinic I used to work at. It’s great for releasing the knots in your back. You know, those stubborn knots in the scapula area where your stress piles up? I’ve also used it when I strained a muscle on my upper chest and when a friend pulled a muscle on the back of is upper thigh. In both cases, we experienced immediate relief from the injury or pain. I know I advocated massaging and I still do, but for immediate and precise relief from those stubborn back knots, cupping is The. Way. To. Go. I taught my former roommate in Dallas and now, every time we see each other we do each other’s backs. It’s just amazing how much your back loosens up after just one session. Besides helping with muscle tension, it also has a number of other benefits. You can google the benefits and find out more information online. Mind you, it does leave bruises. Big, gigantic, clown-sized, circular bruises, but it goes away in a couple weeks. Believe me, it’s worth it. You could even tell your boss you have clown measles and get off from work! (so kidding. although, she would believe you if she saw them!)
I have some other ideas like learning how to grow your own vegetables and learning how to sew. My mom has a green thumb. I just haven’t gotten around to learning how she does it. Can you add some skills you’ve learned that will benefit your family in the future, or some that you want to learn?
I’ve only gotten two pieces of actual relationship advice from my grandma… the first one applies to ladies.
“If you run, he will follow, if you follow, he will run.”
Mind games? PRETTY MUCH! This is so old skool talk. You decide for yourself if it has any validity. Let’s just say, they don’t call it the dating “game” for no reason…
The other had to do with how my grandmother felt about my grandfather courting her. She made it pretty clear to me that she wasn’t attracted to him. So her second piece of advice…
“Look for a good man. The love will follow.”
Tying in the first piece of advice to the second, I think the reason she was able to “run” and he “followed” is because she wasn’t initially interested anyway!
Well, she didn’t care what he looked like, or the fact that he had a dictator-like aura about him.
Stern face.
Commanding presence.
Basically she’s telling me, who the heck cares what he looks like! Who cares if being around him doesn’t make your palms sweaty and your heart race?
Yeah. Ummmm… That’s me, raising my hand in the back.
I care.
I can’t help it.
I like cute boys.
I blame it on the privileges our post-feminism world affords. More on that later. Possibly, actually, most definitely the media has had an influence.
(Mind you, my version of “cute boy” doesn’t mean he’s cute to everyone else. My best friends know my type. They can spot him from a distance. And believe me, my “type” surely doesn’t garner the same kind of admiration from their point of view. But I don’t care what they think about how he looks. Heck, I guess I don’t care about how he looks, as long as at some point he does make me nervous… makes my palms sweat… makes my heart race. By that time, by all standards, he’ll fit the “he’s cute” bill in my book.)
Back to post-feminism world privileges. Women can work and take care of themselves physically. So the old adage my grandma was probably used to, of finding a husband who has a good job and a good character, regardless of how you feel about him sexually, regardless of your lack of physical attraction… Well, the only thing that still holds up today as far as her advice is concerned is making sure you’re with a man of good character.
Why? Because women can bring home the bacon. (or for all you Adventists out there… the MorningStar Stripples) And because women aren’t ashamed to admit they actually have a sexual appetite and not just any good-hearted, hard working boy with a steady income can satisfy that hunger.
Sometimes I feel shallow because I only date men I’m sexually attracted to….
Then I remember that men display identical tastes to mine, preferences that tend toward the young and professionally pulchritudinous. Women my mother’s age have told me to find a man who would be a good father and provider, meaning: food, shelter, a steady income—stability. I smile and refrain from telling them that I can afford my own food and rent and that my friends and family give me support and love. About the only thing that I can’t give myself is that flush of excitement upon locking eyes (and lips) with a [guy I’m physically drawn to]. -Min Lieskovsky
Yes, I may have much to learn about love since I’m young and naive… but I don’t think I’ll ever settle for a guy who doesn’t in the least tempt me to have inappropriate thoughts. Those thoughts are pure in the context of marriage, but if before marriage, I’m not even tempted to think them…. it’s a BAD sign! If you’re a Christian, read 1 Cor 7: 4. It’s a command. When you get married, your body doesn’t just belong to you anymore. So, if you choose someone you’re sexually attracted to, at least it’ll be more of a pleasure than a “duty” to fulfill!
You’re at the library working, and the ideas are just rolling…
and then the cutest guy walks in and sits down in a location that’s straight enough in front of you so you can easily stare without turning… but far enough so that it won’t look obvious you’re admiring him like a Picasso….
At that moment, the entire flow of complete sentences and ideas you’ve managed to conjure in your head suddenly become like some jumbled Boggle game….
and it becomes apparent that for the next five minutes you will not be able to work…
or think rationally for that matter…
because a rare piece of manhood just stepped in and beckons to be admired.
So you pretend like you’re typing… but really you’re using your laptop screen as a little fort to hide behind between intense but subtle glances at this living, breathing work of art… chiseled features… square jaw… that whole I don’t even know I look this good aura… and that’s why I just threw on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and why my hair looks slightly shaggy and unkempt.
And to make things worse/better… he pulls out a book and for over an hour… is fully engaged in it.
I know guys like success. Whether we’re talking the board room, stock options or their latest female interest. Most guys wouldn’t propose to a girl unless they’re pretty sure they’re going to get a yes… yet guys ask girls out all the time without first determining if the girl’s interested. You might have seen the funny Mad TV skit called, “Can I have Your Number?” It’s hilarious:
Daryl is mad funny, but he does prove a point. Stay away from the flattery at first.
If she’s attracted to you and you’re busting out with all the flattery she’ll assume you do this all the time.
If she’s not attracted to you and you’re busting out with all the flattery, it’s just plain UNCOMFORTABLE.
You lose points either way.
Guys are most concerned with saying all the right things and being agreeable. That shouldn’t be your primary goal when you meet a stranger you want to get to know better.Your primary goal is to gain a level of trust and make her feel comfortable around you.
Don’t get too busy figuring out what to say and how to say it, that you forget to pay attention to the girl’s verbal and nonverbal clues to sense if she’s interested or not.
The best way to figure this out is to use a “feeler.” You avoid blatant rejection and you find out if the girl is interested before you ask her out or ask for her number.
Here’s a case in point:
The other day when I was at the gym doing warm up shots before playing basketball with the boys, a guy approached me and started chit chatting between shots.
Guys, that’s the first thing you need to do if you’re interested in getting to know a complete stranger. You have to do the small talk. (again, hold back on the flattery) No sensible girl is going to agree to a date with a complete stranger without first building a level of trust. (Unless you’re just drop dead gorgeous, but even then it’s iffy) You can only achieve this level of trust if you talk to her like a friend and maker her relatively comfortable in your presence.
Don’t worry about making a fool of yourself or looking nervous.
Believe me, nervous guys are the most endearing of all creatures!!!!! Nervousness on a guy looks good. Because it shows us that:
1. We make you nervous. It’s a power rush.
2. You don’t do this all the time. It makes us feel special.
After you get a flow in the conversation and she looks comfortable, even laughing, at this point, guys assume the girl is interested.
A girl laughing at your jokes or looking comfortable is hardly evidence that she’s interested!
You could just be funny!
She could just feel comfortable around you like a good buddy!
Or, she could just be a nice girl with good manners and an easy going personality.
This is not your cue to ask her out. Don’t go in for the kill just yet. At this point, if you go straight to the “Can I get your number?” or the “Can I take you out to dinner/coffee/lunch sometime?” the odds are still against you. Now is the time to throw out the feeler.
Which is exactly what this guy did. Right on! After we chatted a bit, goofed around a bit, laughed a bit and played a few games of 21 with some other guys, I was about ready to go. This is when the guy threw out the perfect feeler. He said, “So, what are you doing later on this evening?”
I actually did have plans to have dinner with a friend and give her a massage because she hurt her back at work, so I told him this. I also wasn’t interested in the guy so it was my way of showing him that he shouldn’t proceed further with asking me out on a date or asking for my number. Guys usually think that if they just ask this question, it’s not enough. Believe me, it’s enough. We’ll either say, “nothing,” and then this would be your opportunity to ask us out. If we did have plans but wanted to hang out with you in the future, we wouldn’t miss the opportunity. If I was interested in this guy, I would have said, “I’m busy tonight… but we should get together sometime.” Then I’d give him my number.
Because he threw out the feeler before actually asking me out, we didn’t have to go through any awkward, uncomfortable moments, and the guy didn’t have to leave feeling rejected. Nobody likes to hear a no when they ask someone out. So, by throwing out a feeler first, you can gauge if you should proceed.
Are they one and the same? Does attraction guarantee chemistry? Does chemistry guarantee attraction?
Has this ever happened to you? I can look at a guy and be instantly attracted to him. Then we hang out and there are no sparks.
We don’t click.
No chemistry.
No electricity.
On the other hand, I can meet a guy and not be instantly attracted to him (almost indifferent) and then hang out for more than a couple days and find there’s fireworks.
Isn’t it crazy…
how you can be in a crowded subway and not notice how everyone is pushed up against you…
but when the guy you like even so much as reaches over for popcorn and accidently brushes his arm against yours… that’s ALL you can think about? That’s what chemistry does to a girl.
So what if it wasn’t love at first sight! Who cares about instant attraction?! It doesn’t guarantee chemistry.
80% of married couples interviewed in a survey (over 1000 people) reported they did not feel an immediate attraction to each other when they first met.
You know when you start liking someone and you can feel your heart opening up…It’s equal parts anxiety and excitement…
Before, when you didn’t like anybody, life was not a roller coaster of emotions. You were just walking on the ground. But when you start liking someone and you don’t know how they feel, and you don’t know if they know how you feel…you stop walking on the ground and you’re either on cloud 9 or in limbo, that place between heaven and hell where you’re just waiting…
Yup, one minute you’re high on the chemical rush, the next you feel sick to your stomach. It’s terrific highs and extreme lows.
Even if you haven’t said anything… You feel exposed because your heart is way more invested than the evidence you see of his and you’re sure your cards are showing. And you wonder… how have I let someone… without them even knowing… have so much control over how I’m feeling? Their words (or lack of words) take on more significance than you’re willing to admit. When you like someone you give them power to either break your spirit or lift it up… I’m just not comfortable with anyone having that kind of power over me… I’ve never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s always safely tucked away, hiding, with a fortress around it and bodyguards the size of Chris Farley…
Cuz there’s that point when you feel yourself falling…and that feeling, that feeling of falling, not knowing if there’s someone waiting to catch you… it’s scary. I fear the “Almost lover” song. Of being in that position… Boyfriends, fiances and husbands aren’t the only ones capable of breaking your heart. Crushes can crush your heart as well.
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