(Picture via tumblr)

To the girl who’s wearing a smile on her face when her heart is broken,

You know what just happened? You got sucker punched.

When I was in high school, a boy threw a basketball into my chest so hard, it knocked the wind out of me. I had never experienced this before. I didn’t know what was happening. I couldn’t catch my breath. It was so painful and shocking, all I could do was stare at him in horror as I held onto my chest for dear life and fell to the floor.

He ran to me horrified and felt terrible.

The same thing just happened to you, but heartache feels 100 times worse. Instead of some guy running toward you horrified and feeling terrible, it’s some guy running away. Nothing is worse than finding yourself so emotionally close to someone and then having to act like strangers. Instead of a moment of intense pain that goes away after a few minutes, it’s agonizing day in and day out.

But you already knew all that.

I make this point because heartbreak is not only shockingly painful, you go through it alone. You don’t know if tomorrow is going to feel any better. That’s why you need a game plan.

So here it is:

Game plan for getting over a broken heart

Phase One:

Give yourself 30 days to grieve. Seriously mark it on your calendar. No more, no less.

A leader in the bible named Moses died. People wept and grieved for 30 days. Then they moved on. You need to do the same.

You get 30 days to think of him, all the good, all the regrets, and all of the would have beens. All that shitty reminiscing we do anyways that never moves us forward but brings us to tears.

Yup, you get to wallow. Not allowing yourself to grieve only draws out the process longer than need be.

The difference between this plan and what people typically go through is that THIS is an actual plan. You know there is a phase two just around the corner. This time, you make the decision to grieve, and when 30 days is up, you make the decision (in advance) that enough is enough.

It’s not you waiting around hoping it will get better tomorrow. It’s empowering you to take things into your own hands. So on day 30, brace yourself because it will be your last day to grieve. Tomorrow will be phase two.

Phase Two:

You only get 30 days to grieve. No one died for heaven’s sake. Grieving for too long holds you back; you’ll get stuck living in the past. You gotta move forward.

After day 30, the next step only has ONE RULE:

Do NOT allow yourself to think of him in any POSITIVE light.

When I read this part to Nate, he was like, “What if it wasn’t his fault?” To that I say, it doesn’t matter who’s fault the breakup was. For your well being at this point, you have to think of only the negative aspects of your ex. Why torture yourself and focus on the good of someone if you can’t be with them?

A lot of things in life you can’t control. In this situation for instance, you can’t control what thought pops up in your head about your ex, BUT you can mold it so as to make it a negative thought about his flaws.

You can choose this. It’s empowering.

Don’t be a martyr by dwelling on his positive attributes!

It’s not realistic that you never think of him again, but whereas grieving time was all fluffy marshmallows, unicorns and rainbows, aching, missing him kinda thoughts, now the focus should shift. It doesn’t matter if he was God’s gift to women, he is still a flawed human being. Now is the time to focus on those flaws.

Now he is officially in the ex files. Now you are ready to take off the blinders.

While you are at it…

NOW is the BEST time to envision your IDEAL guy because you aren’t blinded by your feelings for the former guy.

In order to stop thinking of the old guy in a positive light, you have to believe there is someone better out there for you.

Be honest with what didn’t work. Focus on the qualities that were lacking and what you want instead.

You see when you you are in the thick of a relationship, you feel DISLOYAL admitting things that you don’t like about your partner…

BUT AFTER, it is the PERFECT time to give yourself permission to assess everything wrong with him!

Actually, besides falling into a rebound relationship, this is truly the only way to move forward, and actually it is the more positive way so you refrain form making the same mistakes over and over.

If you never assess, then how can you be mindful next time you fall for a guy?

And don’t just THINK about everything you don’t like about your ex, actually WRITE it down. Like this:

I actually did this for all my ex boyfriends. It was therapeutic. And when Nate finally came along, after a long 5 years of being single, it was so obvious he was the best man I’d ever known or will ever know, I knew I wanted to marry him!

My next post will be about women who date down. What do you think?! How have you coped with heartbreak in the past? I’d love to know!

Nate and I are going to do the 10 day marriage challenge! Wanna do it with us? Great for anyone who is in a long term committed relationship. You know you think you already know everything about each other, but chances are you’ll find something new through this challenge. I got the idea and all the questions from here. Start 10 days before your next date night so on day 10, you can discuss the last question together on date night. Have fun!

Assignment: Spend an hour or so going over your nightly “Top 10″. No matter how much you think you know about each other, this process is enlightening/shocking/humbling all in one. The way to go about this is to set a time (which could be “after the kids go to bed”) and discuss your answers for an hour or so. You can either write your answers down right before you meet or throughout the day. But they have to be written down before the scheduled time.

Day 1-

What are your Top 10 favorite characteristics about one another? Why? (wife writes 10 for her husband. And the husband will write 10 for his wife)

Day 2-

What are your Top 10 favorite characteristics about yourself? Why? (Wife writes about herself. Husband writes about himself)

Day 3-

Where are 10 places you have never been to but would love to go? Why? (again, these are individual lists. You each write your own)

Day 4-

What are 10 of your biggest pet peeves? Why? (in general, not necessarily with one another)

Day 5-

What are your 10 things you hope your kids learn from you? Why?

Day 6-

If you won $100k tomorrow… what 10 things would you buy yourself? Why? (you cannot save it or spend it on anyone else. You MUST spend it all on yourself)

Day 7-

What are 10 things that you would like to improve on personally? Why?

Day 8-

If you could invite 10 people to dinner, alive or dead, who would they be? Why?

Day 9-

What are 10 things that your spouse can do for you, or does for you, that you really value/appreciate?

Day 10-

***Do this one over a date-night dinner*** What 10 things do y’all want to accomplish in the next year? Do this list together and once you are done talking about it and putting the list together, put it in an envelope and store it. Then make a point to open it in a year!